Crimson107 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I had the stupid fling. The worst turmoil I could have ever caused myself. Dumb ego. I have confessed, cut contact and focusing on my wife. She is going through it all and I don't have a clue how to help or show her how much I love her. She keeps asking me to do more than care for her and show her love. At this stage caring is all I can do. Sure, I would love to be intimate with her but at the same time I don't want to force her into it. It is such a rock and hard place. She wants me but then she doesn't. The rubber band is stretching. She compares herself to the OW but how does that help? She really didn't do anything better than my wife. My wife is awesome compared to the other woman. All I had was curiosity but then that is what killed the cat? I haven't been with anybody like I have been with my wife. I can remeber being with the OW and thinking "It was better with my wife". Of course, All my wife can think of is if we are together am I thinking of her- the opposite. I think of my shame and want to love my wife deeply again. It hasn't been a month since confession so is it too soon? Greiving, sadness or all those other things have to happen first right? I shouldn't fall back into the old ruts. I want show her my love stronger than ever but I feel so defeated with my shame and her grief. . . Sorry, was I rambling? How do I show my wife I really love her? The simple things just seem to say I care. She wants passion that she thought I was giving the other woman. She was just easy and a terrible mistake. . . Maybe I am thinking wrong. Some say forgive myself but I don't want to yet. That seems just as selfish as having the affair. I need to be doing things for my wife. I want to go back to being the giver. But then is that become smoothering? I just don't know how to relax and not overthink everything. . . Need a good counselor too - fast. . . Trying to be intentional and not saying I will never do it again. But she is right in think I never thought I would do it in the first place. No I will probably never do it again but I can't say I will never be tempted again. I am still human and not the husband god she made me out to be. I have failed everbody.
catgirl1927 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 This is going to be rough, and if you really want her to take you back you just have to suffer through it. At this point, the amount of discomfort you're experiencing is NOTHING compared to what she is going through. NOTHING. She's a lot more forgiving than I am, I would never have spoken to you again. As far as showing you that you love her, you've done something that is definitive proof that you don't, so I would think it's up to her to buy into that idea again. It's a huge risk for her. I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help, she's alone on this awful road.
daisyflo Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I have been where your wife is now and i think i can give you some insight(only how i felt).Right now her life as she knew it has gone and she is scared,angry and betrayed by the one person that she thought she could rely on she doesn't know you any more or even think she wants to hurts to the bottom of her being .To show her that you mean what you say is going to take alot of talking and reassurance and by showing her that you care.There is hope but be prepared to take a lot of harsh words (i was pretty verbal on occasions)but i loved my husband and the words' love conquers all 'does sometimes come true good luck and make her proud x
luvstarved Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Sigh! You sound very sincere in realizing that you made a terrible terrible mistake and I do feel for you at some level. I am also one that is absolutely not forgiving of this behavior, though, so you are doing pretty well that she didn't just leave you. I can't give you very good advice. I think that you have a lot to make up for and that the best you can do is continue in your words and actions to convince her of what you said in your post. We all make mistakes. But, we all are responsible to pay for them, too. Sorry I can't be any more upbeat than that.
outofdarkness Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I had the stupid fling. The worst turmoil I could have ever caused myself. Dumb ego. I have confessed, cut contact and focusing on my wife. She is going through it all and I don't have a clue how to help or show her how much I love her. She keeps asking me to do more than care for her and show her love. At this stage caring is all I can do. Sure, I would love to be intimate with her but at the same time I don't want to force her into it. It is such a rock and hard place. She wants me but then she doesn't. The rubber band is stretching. She compares herself to the OW but how does that help? She really didn't do anything better than my wife. My wife is awesome compared to the other woman. All I had was curiosity but then that is what killed the cat? I haven't been with anybody like I have been with my wife. I can remeber being with the OW and thinking "It was better with my wife". Of course, All my wife can think of is if we are together am I thinking of her- the opposite. I think of my shame and want to love my wife deeply again. It hasn't been a month since confession so is it too soon? Greiving, sadness or all those other things have to happen first right? I shouldn't fall back into the old ruts. I want show her my love stronger than ever but I feel so defeated with my shame and her grief. . . Sorry, was I rambling? How do I show my wife I really love her? The simple things just seem to say I care. She wants passion that she thought I was giving the other woman. She was just easy and a terrible mistake. . . Maybe I am thinking wrong. Some say forgive myself but I don't want to yet. That seems just as selfish as having the affair. I need to be doing things for my wife. I want to go back to being the giver. But then is that become smoothering? I just don't know how to relax and not overthink everything. . . Need a good counselor too - fast. . . Trying to be intentional and not saying I will never do it again. But she is right in think I never thought I would do it in the first place. No I will probably never do it again but I can't say I will never be tempted again. I am still human and not the husband god she made me out to be. I have failed everbody. Time, time, time...THAT is what it will take....As well as much MC and IC for Both of you...I might also suggest, if you all can do it that you surprise her with a short trip, just the two of you. It might help just to have a change of scenery and be alone together. Sure, you'll still have to face up to what you did, but healing can and does happen...You need to give her the answers and reassurance that she needs right now...Be careful not to cry, whine or beg too much...This always got on my nerves after a time. Just continue to love her, to SHOW her that you love her and try writing a "no contact letter" to your OW...Have her; if she's willing watch you put it in the mailbox...Show her your cell bills, let her listen to your work voice mail...buy her a pretty piece of jewelry or dress and tell her how beautiful she looks...Keep reassuring her that you only want her...It takes patience...Good luck...Just some suggestions that helped me...mabey they don't work for everyone...
Guest Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I had the stupid fling. The worst turmoil I could have ever caused myself. Dumb ego. I have confessed, cut contact and focusing on my wife. She is going through it all and I don't have a clue how to help or show her how much I love her. She keeps asking me to do more than care for her and show her love. At this stage caring is all I can do. Sure, I would love to be intimate with her but at the same time I don't want to force her into it. It is such a rock and hard place. She wants me but then she doesn't. The rubber band is stretching. She compares herself to the OW but how does that help? She really didn't do anything better than my wife. My wife is awesome compared to the other woman. All I had was curiosity but then that is what killed the cat? I haven't been with anybody like I have been with my wife. I can remeber being with the OW and thinking "It was better with my wife". Of course, All my wife can think of is if we are together am I thinking of her- the opposite. I think of my shame and want to love my wife deeply again. It hasn't been a month since confession so is it too soon? Greiving, sadness or all those other things have to happen first right? I shouldn't fall back into the old ruts. I want show her my love stronger than ever but I feel so defeated with my shame and her grief. . . Sorry, was I rambling? How do I show my wife I really love her? The simple things just seem to say I care. She wants passion that she thought I was giving the other woman. She was just easy and a terrible mistake. . . Maybe I am thinking wrong. Some say forgive myself but I don't want to yet. That seems just as selfish as having the affair. I need to be doing things for my wife. I want to go back to being the giver. But then is that become smoothering? I just don't know how to relax and not overthink everything. . . Need a good counselor too - fast. . . Trying to be intentional and not saying I will never do it again. But she is right in think I never thought I would do it in the first place. No I will probably never do it again but I can't say I will never be tempted again. I am still human and not the husband god she made me out to be. I have failed everbody. She is also human and not the wife god you make her out to be. It can go both ways. Just be on your best cause she can rebell.
Author Crimson107 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 Time, time, time...THAT is what it will take....As well as much MC and IC for Both of you...I might also suggest, if you all can do it that you surprise her with a short trip, just the two of you. It might help just to have a change of scenery and be alone together. Sure, you'll still have to face up to what you did, but healing can and does happen...You need to give her the answers and reassurance that she needs right now...Be careful not to cry, whine or beg too much...This always got on my nerves after a time. Just continue to love her, to SHOW her that you love her and try writing a "no contact letter" to your OW...Have her; if she's willing watch you put it in the mailbox...Show her your cell bills, let her listen to your work voice mail...buy her a pretty piece of jewelry or dress and tell her how beautiful she looks...Keep reassuring her that you only want her...It takes patience...Good luck...Just some suggestions that helped me...mabey they don't work for everyone... Trying no to beg and cry are difficult. But I know that is not anyway to romance someone back. Buying things and taking short trips are hard to do without a job and 4 kids. Trying to give her the right space to her self but don't want to be distant. It is a hard balance to keep. I fall asleep putting the 4 kids to bed and she get's put off when I can't shake the fatigue. She sees it as me regecting her. I am not trying to put the kids inbetween us but I need to uphold my father duties. I let them down too with my pigness. I can handle the harsh words cause I deserve it. What I can't handle is if let her down again. My Wife got to talk to her on a day W and I were trying to reconnect. It runied the day but it made a clear message of NC. I have upheld and the OW has not tried. The focus is on my marriage. But the damage is done and repair is difficult. I'm in it as long as she is, not gonna quit trying
LakesideDream Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Crimson, Wife and 4 children, and you are having a "fling". Amazing. "Buying things and taking short trips, hard to do WITHOUT a job?" Meaning you don't work and support your family? How did you have the time and money for a "stupid fling"? Clairify those points please.
outofdarkness Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Crimson, Wife and 4 children, and you are having a "fling". Amazing. "Buying things and taking short trips, hard to do WITHOUT a job?" Meaning you don't work and support your family? How did you have the time and money for a "stupid fling"? Clairify those points please. yeah...I'd be curious about that too...
Author Crimson107 Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 yeah...I'd be curious about that too... Crimson, Wife and 4 children, and you are having a "fling". Amazing. "Buying things and taking short trips, hard to do WITHOUT a job?" Meaning you don't work and support your family? How did you have the time and money for a "stupid fling"? Clairify those points please. As a family, we moved to Florida so wife could fullfill dream of being a teacher. I stayed behind to get the house in order and have my job longer so we have overlap of income. Then I got house rented to come find my job down here. I was still a noble husband trying to support my wife. I am looking hard to find something but finding a job is a job in itself. But I talked with an internet friend, she knew a lot about my sitiuation and we flirted about meeting. Then it went to a planned time to have sex. We started at just sex and the OW knew I was leaving to be with family. She was using me in a sense too. She started to enjoy it because we had more than one encounter. Wish I could have just had my ego boost and forget about it. But the nice guy in me doesn't understand one night stands. (even though I could forget my promise) I was stupid to think I could play with fire. My wife is the only woman I had been with. I knew sex was really more of a gift. I tried another woman and it was empty and costly. So to make my point. I had time not money to let another woman come over and give me a booty call. The OW made it easy. It didn't cost extra money and at the time I was a Temp Bachelor(idiot Husband). Like a long business trip. I ruined it all for my wife. So I am looking for a job and marriage help at the same time. Yes it does say something about my character. I am corruptable. I have power to hurt others. So I need to be careful and intentional in loving my wife the best way possible. I am sorry. So what if I can be a lying cheat. I don't like being a hypocrit. I have exposed my dark self and trying to not let it hurt my marriage anymore.
Freedom Now Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 You are human. I respect what you are trying to do now. I hope she can forgive you. You seem like a decent guy, albeit, a human one.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Yes it does say something about my character. I am corruptable. I have power to hurt others. So I need to be careful and intentional in loving my wife the best way possible. I am sorry. So what if I can be a lying cheat. I don't like being a hypocrit. I have exposed my dark self and trying to not let it hurt my marriage anymore. It means you have to get some one on one counselling and figure out why you reached out to someone who wasn't your wife. I can understand being lonely without your family around, anybody would be! But honestly, dig down deep inside and ask yourself this...IF an opportunity came along again in the future, once your marriage was fixed and the same circumstances were presented to you (being home alone for a length of time) would you feel the need again to find someone else so you wouldn't feel lonely? You say you've exposed your dark self...Has that darkness always been there, or was it kind of like a crime of opportunity...Cuz to me, it just seems you didn't think at all, only thought about yourself and what you wanted. Temp.memory brainfreeze which made you forget that you have a family, building a new life, waiting for you to join them. The insecurities your wife probably feels now are uncontrollable, so be as understanding and patient as you can with her. Be completely honest about everything, even if the truth hurts, she needs to hear it. NO hiding anything, lay it all out for her when she asks the questions, and wants answers.
wellwithitall Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I can only tell you how I dealt with my H affair. My H had an affair that he told me about June 2 2006. According to him and our cellphone bills it only lasted a few months with the last month turning physical it was more emotional. I like I'm sure all the other spouses who have been cheated on went through a lot of different emotions. Each one a step and a necessary one to heal each person does this at their own pace. I chose to forgive and try to move on. We have been back together for 2 months. He looks at me and will tell me how beautiful I am, or how much he loves me. He listened to how he made me feel...how he ripped me apart. Now I am in a great place. But as I said we all do this on our own time. As far as what he is doing.....Sometimes he'll just say "I'm so sorry", or what was I thinking. It's not what he says but how he says it and most definitly his actions. Unfortunately for him he has a lot to prove and trust to gain. He is willing to do what it takes to gain those things from me and our 4 kids. He has been open with me about the affair when I have questions. And boy do I. I couldn't stand when he wouldn't share and that it was still a secret...well now it isn't and it makes me feel better. He now will give me his cellphone to hold or I answer it(their main way of communicating), I have met and got to know more of his coworkers (she was one of them during the affair). We get away by ourselves for a weekend or just for the day for a walk in the park, for a drive just for some US time. Remember that before you had kids you were a couple take time to be that couple. Give your W time. Don't give up on trying, don't get frustrated with her. As was said before her world as she knew it has been turned upside down. The one person who she loved the most has hurt her the worst. It's still a fresh wound. I do honestly believe that our marriage is on it's way to being better and stronger then before. I wish you luck and hope that she can truly forgive you...now that you know how much you've hurt her and your kids I hope that it will detour you from even thinking about doing it again.
Guest Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I had the stupid fling. The worst turmoil I could have ever caused myself. Dumb ego. I have confessed, cut contact and focusing on my wife. She is going through it all and I don't have a clue how to help or show her how much I love her. She keeps asking me to do more than care for her and show her love. At this stage caring is all I can do. Sure, I would love to be intimate with her but at the same time I don't want to force her into it. It is such a rock and hard place. She wants me but then she doesn't. The rubber band is stretching. She compares herself to the OW but how does that help? She really didn't do anything better than my wife. My wife is awesome compared to the other woman. All I had was curiosity but then that is what killed the cat? I haven't been with anybody like I have been with my wife. I can remeber being with the OW and thinking "It was better with my wife". Of course, All my wife can think of is if we are together am I thinking of her- the opposite. I think of my shame and want to love my wife deeply again. It hasn't been a month since confession so is it too soon? Greiving, sadness or all those other things have to happen first right? I shouldn't fall back into the old ruts. I want show her my love stronger than ever but I feel so defeated with my shame and her grief. . . Sorry, was I rambling? How do I show my wife I really love her? The simple things just seem to say I care. She wants passion that she thought I was giving the other woman. She was just easy and a terrible mistake. . . Maybe I am thinking wrong. Some say forgive myself but I don't want to yet. That seems just as selfish as having the affair. I need to be doing things for my wife. I want to go back to being the giver. But then is that become smoothering? I just don't know how to relax and not overthink everything. . . Need a good counselor too - fast. . . Trying to be intentional and not saying I will never do it again. But she is right in think I never thought I would do it in the first place. No I will probably never do it again but I can't say I will never be tempted again. I am still human and not the husband god she made me out to be. I have failed everbody. Been there mate. Go to couple therapy! you must! They will guide you through but it will take time and talk about it often. Let her ask what she wants when she is ready. You have to open up to her completely. Do special things with her....................keep it up until she is healed!!! Be strong, you have damaged her and you should fix her.
Guest Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Be an open book at all times and ask her what she needs in order to heal. I hope things work out for you both. People make mistakes and it sounds like you really are sorry.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 ... It hasn't been a month since confession so is it too soon? Reverse the roles. If your wife had the A how soon would you want to sleep with her after finding out about she had been screwing other guys? Me, probalby never. And for me, it would only happen after I had affairs of my own with some hot women.
Guest Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 im in the same boat i cheated on my wife with a married woman it was only a couple of months she seen on my cell bil ive been talking to someone so she called her house and talk with her husband at first i told her she only a friend but it was eating me up inside and told her everything she started to fight with me trying hit me kicking me she even bit the **** out me she even went to my car brought my gun back in the house so i called the police be fore they got there she cut my tires busted my windshield back glass headlights she was arrested i could not get her out because i was the victim so spent about 3 days in jail before i got my neighbor to get her out and i met with the grand jury and all charges were droped that was 3 years ago but a year after that we got in into it she called the police on me and lied so they would make me leave so stayed at hotel went to work from there and came home the locks were changed and she told her kids to call the police when i got there and they gave me a restraing order saying i could not even come in the neighbor hood so they let me get some clothes and that was it i stayed with friend for about month when we had to go to court and the order was droped i stilled stayed with my friend for few more weeks she called and ask me was i coming home i thought u did not want me there i just wanted u see how it was out there so we talked for a week or so and i came back home was not sure i was ready not because i didnt love because we fuss all the time mostly her at me always bring it up still to this day when she fuss at me she gets so mad about nothing i just take it the name calling the yelling i tell myself thats what u get for being a dumb ass for cheating the problem we having now is that we dont have sex thats one of the reason i got mixed up with another woman she never wanted to have sex i would go 3 months with out sex the when she give it to me tell to hurry up the other woman made feel like i was wanted needed made me feeel like a man again but now i dont have any sexual urges i dont if its waht we been through or what but i love her and hated what i did to her i never intended to hurt in any way HOW CAN I FIX THIS MESS I CAUSED
Guest Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I have been in your wife's shoes. She is devestated. The person she loved and trusted with her love has betrayed her in a very traumatic way. It hurts to the core and messes with your sense of security and self esteem. To compare yourself with the Other Woman is very normal, men do it also when the table is turned. All trust is damaged after something like this. Obsessive thoughts and mental images are very common for the betrayed spouse. So, what can YOU do? First, be completely HONEST with your wife. No half truths at this point. ANY deception that she finds you in will set back rebuilding that trust. Answer her questions openly and honestly with compassion. She might want to know all kinds of details. Don't think you are protecting her by keeping secrets, cause what she imagines is SOOO much worse! Her life is one big puzzle now with many missing pieces. You know what happened. She is just trying to make sense of all this mess. Comparisons can be hurtful. Be careful that you don't say things to her in anger or defensiveness that throw this at her. Then, make your life an open book. Be totally accountable for your time and communications. Give her all your passwords, all email, IM accounts, profiles, whatever. Give her access to your voice mail. Offer her complete access to check if she ever feels the need. As she keeps finding nothing, she will look less often. Make this an open thing, not something she has to go hunting for. If you had profiles or memberships on the internet that gave the OW access or were inappropriate, then show them to your wife and close them all. Give her your schedule and let her know if something changes. This is not the time to be concerned about your PRIVACY! You are the one who severely damaged the trust, it is up to you to do the intensive work to earn it again. Right now, your word is NOT enough. Show her through your actions. She is going to have intense emotional 'triggers', may be very sensitive to anything related to your affair or things associated with affairs. Movies, TV, its all over the place. Keep this in mind and be willing to offer to change the channel or even just give her a hug and tell her that she will never have to face something like that again. That includes sex for some. She may struggle with mental imaginary images of you with another. But, at the same time, may really need to see that you want and desire her. It's a messed up subject, but don't be affraid to show her just how much you desire to be with her. Any perceived rejection is hard to take. Be patient, this does get easier and it gets easier for the betrayed spouse to push those thoughts out of their head once they feel more secure in the relationship. Then, your wife needs to know just HOW you are going to prevent something like this from happening again. Just saying you will not do it again is not enough, as that was the case before. You changed the rules, not your wife. Work on personal boundaries, protective boundaries for yourself, think about the earliest stages of stepping over those lines and protect yourself there. If that means NO internet chats, etc, without your wife, then do so. A book I found helpful for us in this area: "Hedges, Loving your marriage enough to protect it". I suggest that you get the book "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass. Read it together. There is an internet ebook written for the former wayward spouse that can help you understand what you need to do and what your wife is going through. Cheap at $10. http://aftertheaffair.net/ I hope that you have found a good counselor, who is certified with couples therapy and experienced with infidelity. Sometimes, you have to try more than one to find someone right for you both. Marriages can survive this trauma, it will take intensive effort on both your parts and time. There is no quick fix. The average couple takes around two years to feel like they have really rebuilt. There will always be a scar from this experience. So, are you up to this task? Your affair was a selfish indulgence. Now you have some really hard work ahead of you. Take care, Joy
outofdarkness Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I just wanted to add that you don't need any money to take a day trip to enjoy a different city or just go somewhere to look at the pretty fall colors...Take her on a picnic...free concerts, etc...Not everything costs money...Also, some of the most beautiful and meaningful pieces of jewelry came from my kids hands or the local crafts fair...just some thoughs to add to my earlier post...blessings
Author Crimson107 Posted October 29, 2006 Author Posted October 29, 2006 I just wanted to add that you don't need any money to take a day trip to enjoy a different city or just go somewhere to look at the pretty fall colors...Take her on a picnic...free concerts, etc...Not everything costs money...Also, some of the most beautiful and meaningful pieces of jewelry came from my kids hands or the local crafts fair...just some thoughs to add to my earlier post...blessings We scrounged up the money to send my W home for the weekend. It was rough for the oldest child because she is homesick too. Anyways, she got back home for the weekend. I get her at the airport tomorrow. Before she left, she put our rings back on at the airport. Needless to say I was over joyed. We have been on some dates and I scheduled my 1st cousneling next Mon. I had to endure this growing up. My dad had to pay child support. Not sure how my Mom endured it. In fact, I told my dad before I told my wife. He didn't judge or try to stop it. I wish he told me what an idiot I was then. So I am glad the momentum is still going for fixinf the marriage. I am reading the "not just friends" book already. I am trying. Now when I am out, I still can't stop the girl looking. I know maybe it is human but I fell guilty about that now. I don't want to hurt my wife again. I really feel like the old cartoon of an angel and a devil on my shoulder. I scare myself that I can push triggers in my wife by just being human. It tough. When I do think of the OW, it is only regret. Sorry for using the OW and Sorry for hurting my wife. I liked the flattery of it at first, but in the end it has only left me as half the man I used to be. I hate being tainted. Giving to my wife is a joy. I just hope I don't get complacent again. I love the butterflies I can feel around my wife again. Still sorry but excited as well. We have been intimate and I was tested non-reative to any STD's. The road is still long but I am blessed to say I have more hope. Of course, every now and then, I get worried that she will do it back to me. She has made her mistakes and had a brief cheating. Nothing as blatant as my transgressions, however, I worry if I have to endure her saying, "hey you did it to me!" We have always had great sexual chemistry. Hence, 4 kids but we experiemented with swinging. I still think she is interested. I am too for hedionistic reasons but Morally clashed harshly that it might have been part of the reason I did wrong. I worry that we might open pandora's box again. So yeah the marriage isn't healty. Still no more gaurentee than ever. Trying to focus on being in love with my wife all over again. It's great to hold her hand. Hope someday she will feel that no woman can replace her. It's true, the OW didn't have anything on my wife. It was a crime of opportunity. Thanks for the post everyone. I appreciate not feeling so alone. Cheers for loving your spouse...
outofdarkness Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 That was such a great post...You really sound remourseful and eager to get back in your W's graces. Retaliation cheating; I have heard, is pretty common..You mentioned that she too, had cheated. It does sound like some good things will come out of this as horrible as it seems right now. I know what you and your W are going through. My H and I are still in MC and IC and all of this came out over 2 years ago! I am so happy that you have an appt for MC! This is a huge step and the fact that she is going should send a really positive message to you. As far as your history; ie., experimenting w/ swinging, if it's over, it's over..You can now start fresh and my opinion is that you need to stay away from that sort of thing. The girl watching is something that my H has always had trouble with, amoung other behaviors along this line. It could be a precurser/sign of an addiction, in my opinion. In addition to the MC and IC that we both now attend, my H has been attending SA meetings for over 2 years. I don't know if this applies to you because I really don't know you or her side of the story. I'm not implying that you are being dishonest, but it's hard to give advice on such a personal level withour knowing someone in another capacity then an online forum. I will say that one of the things my H says helps him alot when it comes to the girl watching, is to maintain eye contact if you're talking to a female and staying away from places that are old hangouts or part of your ritual.. Also, regarding your W's past cheating...The fact that your's wasn't as blantant does not mean that her's was not as bad. Yes, it is more hurtful when it's more open, but it is no less harmful to the marriage.. I say good for you for trying to save your M and keep your family together. Patience and time are the words of the day for you all right now! Blessings
stargazer12 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I had the stupid fling. The worst turmoil I could have ever caused myself. Dumb ego. I have confessed, cut contact and focusing on my wife. She is going through it all and I don't have a clue how to help or show her how much I love her. She keeps asking me to do more than care for her and show her love. At this stage caring is all I can do. Sure, I would love to be intimate with her but at the same time I don't want to force her into it. It is such a rock and hard place. She wants me but then she doesn't. The rubber band is stretching. She compares herself to the OW but how does that help? She really didn't do anything better than my wife. My wife is awesome compared to the other woman. All I had was curiosity but then that is what killed the cat? I haven't been with anybody like I have been with my wife. I can remember being with the OW and thinking "It was better with my wife". Of course, All my wife can think of is if we are together am I thinking of her- the opposite. I think of my shame and want to love my wife deeply again. It hasn't been a month since confession so is it too soon? Greiving, sadness or all those other things have to happen first right? I shouldn't fall back into the old ruts. I want show her my love stronger than ever but I feel so defeated with my shame and her grief. . . Sorry, was I rambling? How do I show my wife I really love her? The simple things just seem to say I care. She wants passion that she thought I was giving the other woman. She was just easy and a terrible mistake. . . Maybe I am thinking wrong. Some say forgive myself but I don't want to yet. That seems just as selfish as having the affair. I need to be doing things for my wife. I want to go back to being the giver. But then is that become smothering? I just don't know how to relax and not overthink everything. . . Need a good counselor too - fast. . . Trying to be intentional and not saying I will never do it again. But she is right in think I never thought I would do it in the first place. No I will probably never do it again but I can't say I will never be tempted again. I am still human and not the husband god she made me out to be. I have failed everybody. I will say one my wife cheated for three years or I don't know how long, Twenty-Five Years ago. She is gone, passed away, I thought I was over it years ago, never hardly thought of it, she never really volunteered information. She never did it again, least I think so. She was so jealous, made me sick, but she treated me like king, we had another two children, soon as this affair was over, think now it was security to keep me. Only now do I think , I was so manipulated by her I and didn't realize than. When I think of all the deceit, I wish would have left than, I do feel badly for thinking like that way , she truly was sorry, after a while, but she really, really treat me badly. I feel some anger even now, because we never never resolved, it. Actually these feelings years later are not so uncommon, they're history and will never change, what has occurred has been committed. This is not to that you can't be happy in your marriage, I actually was but, deeds are there and there, they will remain forever.
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 "Now when I am out, I still can't stop the girl looking. I know maybe it is human but I fell guilty about that now. I don't want to hurt my wife again. I really feel like the old cartoon of an angel and a devil on my shoulder. I scare myself that I can push triggers in my wife by just being human." Please don't make excuses for your behavior. Yes, we all have 'urges', but we also all have the ability to make CHOICES. You can CHOOSE to advert your eyes, to look away by choice. Yeh, we are 'human', but humans have a wonderful freedom of choice. We can choose the life we wish to live, we can choose to make personal boundaries. Nothing makes you openly 'look' at other women. So, it maybe 'natural' for a man to notice an attractive woman. But, what he does at that point is totally up to him. Not every man makes a public turn of the head or such. Your wife's self esteem is fragile right now and she will react if she sees you looking and checking out other women! It's up to you to consciously curb that behavior. Yes, you CAN do that. Maybe you cannot completely stop the urge, but you can control how you respond, heck, you can FLEE, run like hell if you find yourself in a situation that you feel you cannot control! Many a cheater will rationalize that it is 'Natural' for them to want other partners. Well, then they should not make promises to another that they will be faithful, but stay single. Again, that is a free will choice, and we humans are completely capable of controlling out behavior if we choose to do so. So, take FULL responsibility for this. No more excuses or claims that you just cannot control nature. You wife will never feel comfortable with that one. Channel all that energy toward your wife. You blurred the lines in the past. Instead of working to make your marriage more exciting, you looked outside the marriage. Now, you worry that your wife may do exactly what you have encouraged in the past and done yourself. Sounds like you both need to reexamine what you really want. Do you want to have a committed, faithful marriage? Just what does that mean to you now? Make sure you are both on the same page as far as to what this means. Religious or not, a vow/promise is the same for all. Your children deserve a stable home with a Father who loves their Mother. I hope that you two can recommit to a better marriage. Stronger in the long run. Put all that energy that you put into an affair and invest that into making your own marriage exciting. Did it ever occur to you that your wife may have been feeling VERY neglected for quite sometime while you were giving all your efforts at being romantic online and to another woman? It's not just the wife's job to spice things up at home. If things had gotten boring at home, well, could it be that your wife is working and dealing with the kids? We get busy being parents and forget to woo and seduce our own spouse! Can't tell you how many women will say that the biggest turn on for them is to have their husband pitch in and take over dealing with the kids for an evening, allowing her to relax. He just might find a wife with some energy left for later fun. Your wife may want to see all that effort put into keeping up an affair given to her! I know that I really resented that aspect. There I was, loving him, available, willing, supportive and being neglected while my H spent time and energy on someone else. It hurt like hell. I would have been one very happy woman will just a small portion of that effort. Look for a counselor that has certification with couples. An individual counselor does not necessarily have the training for the complex issues of a couple. Peggy Vaughan has a list of counselors that are involved with her BAN group. So, it's up to you to take those extraordinary steps to help your wife feel more secure with you. Maybe we'll just get you some blinders! It's a difficult road. Consider another book: "His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley . It helps us understand the emotional needs of our spouse, what makes them feel loved. You might discover a few things about yourself also that may help your wife also. They have a marriagebuilders weekend for this series also which has gotten good reviews. Another weekend retreat: Retrouville. I know a few couples who did this one and had good results. Good luck, there are going to be good days and bad ones in the months to follow. Joy
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 ... Of course, every now and then, I get worried that she will do it back to me. She has made her mistakes and had a brief cheating. Nothing as blatant as my transgressions, however, I worry if I have to endure her saying, "hey you did it to me!" We have always had great sexual chemistry. Hence, 4 kids but we experiemented with swinging. I still think she is interested. I am too for hedionistic reasons but Morally clashed harshly that it might have been part of the reason I did wrong. I worry that we might open pandora's box again. Well why wouldn't she want to "do it back to" you? And explain the swinging thing and her cheating? I mean if you two were into a little extra on the side why on earth cheat? What were the rules for swinging? ... Retaliation cheating; I have heard, is pretty common..You mentioned that she too, had cheated. revenge, for revenge for ... ??? As far as your history; ie., experimenting w/ swinging, if it's over, it's over..You know nothing is really over until you're dead. memories linger. The girl watching is something that my H has always had trouble with, amoung other behaviors along this line. It could be a precurser/sign of an addiction, in my opinion.:lmao::lmao: Yeah, I'm addicted to watching women... why the F not? There isn't anything nicer to look at than women.
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 ok...thanks for the respectful reply..I am not posting after today on this or OW forums...It's just too upsetting. I wish you luck w/ your W...
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