freakygal78 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Hi! I posted my situation a while ago about a MM at my work whom I was involved with in an EA. I have since started dating a SG at my work and thought I was home-free in getting over my infatuation with him and things were looking up. Although I am still very fond of my SG, it seems that since MM came back from vacation and I thought I had some kind of emotional 'force field' to resist his influence on me, I was sadly mistaken. It is a rather difficult situation still as MM thinks we can just pick up where we left off i.e. familiar emails and exchanging 'meaningful' songs. I have to admit I have caved somewhat and resorted to emailing him back and having casual 'incidental' chats in the tea-room and what-not although I have tried my darndest to keep it business. I am still quite sure he would never wish it to become physical however he craves the attention I used to pay him and I have shown a lot of restraint in an effort to avoid falling back into the old patterns of the 'dance'. He has implied indirectly that I have 'cut him off' and I have abstained from sending him music I thought he would like etc. I just think he is just as attached to me as I used to be (still am) to him. I know I don't owe this man anything - he is attached and he has no right for criticising me for having a R of my own (with someone available!!!) but damn that connection you tend to have with someone that is so irrational and so strong regardless of marital status. Please help me here - I feel like I'm being sucked into the vortex again and don't wish to say things to him I may regret or be disloyal to my partner who I am become increasingly distant to. It's such a pathetic situation. I want to get past him but while I'm still working here it's hard to avoid his influence. What should I do?
BUTAFLY Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I chuckle at your post because I was you not so long ago. I too worked w/ mm. and i know the vortex oh so well. But you have to be mentally ready to make a firm decision to stop and stand by it. I have tried pretending his marital status didn't bother me and kept engaging him w/chit chats in the breakroom, but there was no denying the sexual tention and attraction. He was using our chats to suck me back in. It almost worked, until I decided I had to make a choice either keep torturing myself or just stop. I stopped cold turkey. He use to come to my desk at the end of the work day and park himself down, set his car keys down, undo the top botton on his shirt and talk for up to an hour until I was done and we would walk out together. He use to email me, call me....NO MORE. I don't answer his calls, when he comes to my desk I say I'm busy and "Go home your wife is waiting for you", I walk out with a group of other coworkers. And yes he gives me the puppy dog eyes and stares at me from across the room, unneccessarly walks past my desk 10x's a day but, the key is don't make eye contact. You have to be honest with yourself and truely ready to quite him. When you are you will tier of him using you and I trust you will stop. Do you have an EAP (employee assistance program) at your job? If you do I would utilize it. It is completely confidential and maybe they can do something about mr. wonderful. Mine did. MM is now working out of a different office 20 miles away form his home. He left a message on my vm telling me he was transfered(he thought I would be worried HAHA) and hates it because he just bought a new 'Utilility Assult Vehicle' and the gas is hell. he has no clue it had to do with me.
inarut Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Hi! I posted my situation a while ago about a MM at my work whom I was involved with in an EA. I have since started dating a SG at my work and thought I was home-free in getting over my infatuation with him and things were looking up. Although I am still very fond of my SG, it seems that since MM came back from vacation and I thought I had some kind of emotional 'force field' to resist his influence on me, I was sadly mistaken. It is a rather difficult situation still as MM thinks we can just pick up where we left off i.e. familiar emails and exchanging 'meaningful' songs. I have to admit I have caved somewhat and resorted to emailing him back and having casual 'incidental' chats in the tea-room and what-not although I have tried my darndest to keep it business. I am still quite sure he would never wish it to become physical however he craves the attention I used to pay him and I have shown a lot of restraint in an effort to avoid falling back into the old patterns of the 'dance'. He has implied indirectly that I have 'cut him off' and I have abstained from sending him music I thought he would like etc. I just think he is just as attached to me as I used to be (still am) to him. I know I don't owe this man anything - he is attached and he has no right for criticising me for having a R of my own (with someone available!!!) but damn that connection you tend to have with someone that is so irrational and so strong regardless of marital status. Please help me here - I feel like I'm being sucked into the vortex again and don't wish to say things to him I may regret or be disloyal to my partner who I am become increasingly distant to. It's such a pathetic situation. I want to get past him but while I'm still working here it's hard to avoid his influence. What should I do? Freakygal - I am right there with you. I thought I was done with my MM too until I ran into him a couple weekends ago. I was so ready to tell him off for the things I heard he said about me and the way he treated me but he said a couple of things that made me feel good and I was right back to where I was a couple months ago. Things are very strained in my M so I so wanted his company. This time we just kissed but made plans to meet the following weekend. He was supposed to call me and set up the plans but HE NEVER CALLED and I have not heard from him sense. Why do we do these things to ourselves?? I wish I had the answers but if I did then I wouldn't be posting here right now. My solution is easy. I know where he hangs out so I just shouldn't go there. Yours is a little more difficult since you work together. If you are REALLY serious about getting over your MM I think you need to find a new job. You owe it to yourself and your new R. Let someone WHO IS AVAILABLE treat you like the princess you deseve to be treated like. I wish I could take my own advice but it's always easier said then done right??? GOOD LUCK SWEETIE!
lover's rock Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Another good idea would be to change your routine. Switch things up and hang out with your SG more often. Talk to him more often. Involve him in your life. If you can, go out to lunch with him so you have a midday break from your "vortex". Create a life that doesn't include this MM except for business purposes...and when the opportunity comes along, change that too. Good luck and best wishes.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Frakygal, vortex is still sucking me in too. I'm completly ignoring MM at work and pretending that he doesn't exist. Not even bothering with "hi" and "bye". Just walk past him like he is not there. Today on my way out, he shouted my name and I was forced to turn around and have a conversation with him. He was trying so hard to make me laugh. I was just giving him cold "yes" and "no" answers. It's just so hard, especially because today he wore this shirt that makes him look so sexy and my favorite cologne. Damn.
HennyPenny Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Sigh. I was a guest who identified very much with you. And yeah, the vortex. It sucks. For me the big weakness is the eye contact and the touching. I can't seem to make myself back away from him at times because there is all this attraction and affection between us. He is higher on the ladder than me and has pulled strings continuously to keep me right by his side. I am so damn weak in my head, but I'm keeping up a good, strong front. My weakness lies in dumb hope. He acts like he is completely delighted to be in my company. He looks at me like I'm The One. You have to see this man's eyes to believe it. I feel like holding a cross up to him sometimes to ward off his evil (like Dracula.) The dumb hope and the sexual attraction override common sense sometimes, but I still am holding firm that I will continue to ACT as if he's not getting to me and that NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS. What he wants is for me to be the aggressor so that he can be "weak" in the face of my bewitchery and will be able to convince his wife that I'm a whore and a Jezebel should he get caught in the act. He is pulling out all the friggin stops. The long, love-sick gazes into my eyes. Constantly running his hand over my back telling me how wonderful I am. He has let me know (or tried to make me think) that he has feelings for me, without incriminating himself. It's all up to me now, so no. Nothing is happening here, other than sleepless nights with my hands under the sheets. Bastard! I get my feelings out by writing and am constantly reminding myself what a jerk he is. He has a wife and child. And no matter how many sob stories I hear, I'm pretty close to positive that his wife has no clue how "bad" their marriage is. I tell myself that realistically I will never get what i want from this man (love) and that likely if he did leave his wife I would most likely find myself in the same position (being portayed as Bitch From Hell to some other schmuck who he's trying to get in the sack.) In other words, in my mind I am weak and I adore him, but I will not be encouraging any monkey business and I certainly will not be making any moves, be they physical, verbal or what have you. Someone here once used an analogy that was so right-on: His eyes to me = booze to an alcoholic. Best to avoid it altogether because I'll never be able to take just one little sip - I'll end up puking in a gutter somewhere. So true. All I can do is heed this advice (which I have been - mostly ) and remain strong. We need to be strong! These guys are b@stards.
stillhere Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Sigh. I was a guest who identified very much with you. And yeah, the vortex. It sucks. For me the big weakness is the eye contact and the touching. I can't seem to make myself back away from him at times because there is all this attraction and affection between us. He is higher on the ladder than me and has pulled strings continuously to keep me right by his side. I am so damn weak in my head, but I'm keeping up a good, strong front. My weakness lies in dumb hope. He acts like he is completely delighted to be in my company. He looks at me like I'm The One. You have to see this man's eyes to believe it. I feel like holding a cross up to him sometimes to ward off his evil (like Dracula.) The dumb hope and the sexual attraction override common sense sometimes, but I still am holding firm that I will continue to ACT as if he's not getting to me and that NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS. What he wants is for me to be the aggressor so that he can be "weak" in the face of my bewitchery and will be able to convince his wife that I'm a whore and a Jezebel should he get caught in the act. He is pulling out all the friggin stops. The long, love-sick gazes into my eyes. Constantly running his hand over my back telling me how wonderful I am. He has let me know (or tried to make me think) that he has feelings for me, without incriminating himself. It's all up to me now, so no. Nothing is happening here, other than sleepless nights with my hands under the sheets. Bastard! I get my feelings out by writing and am constantly reminding myself what a jerk he is. He has a wife and child. And no matter how many sob stories I hear, I'm pretty close to positive that his wife has no clue how "bad" their marriage is. I tell myself that realistically I will never get what i want from this man (love) and that likely if he did leave his wife I would most likely find myself in the same position (being portayed as Bitch From Hell to some other schmuck who he's trying to get in the sack.) In other words, in my mind I am weak and I adore him, but I will not be encouraging any monkey business and I certainly will not be making any moves, be they physical, verbal or what have you. Someone here once used an analogy that was so right-on: His eyes to me = booze to an alcoholic. Best to avoid it altogether because I'll never be able to take just one little sip - I'll end up puking in a gutter somewhere. So true. All I can do is heed this advice (which I have been - mostly ) and remain strong. We need to be strong! These guys are b@stards. If you haven't hooked up with him yet, or crossed that line, please don't. It only gets worse from that point on. I've thought about what he'd say or do if we got caught, and although he is a cheater, it's not like him to blame it all on me. And, if he wants to play that game, i have MANY voicemail messages, videos, etc. that i can fork over as proof that he is in love with me. Not sure i ever would use my arsenal (that's not what it is at the moment really, but it can be turned into that if it's a must) to hurt him, but if he does go that route, i can play the game too!!
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Jeez, I think I've got problems but like Inarut, I could avoid my ex-MM if I really wanted to. It must be a total nightmare having to work with him for those of you who do. Like someone else said, find another job! Easy for me to say but that would sure be a big step to letting go. Of course, you have to be emotionally ready to do this but I'm sure you will get there. Let the R with SG help. Even if he ain't the big love of your life, you're doing this for yourself. Just have fun as much as you can!!!! Ignoring your MM and showing him you've moved on should make you feel empowered if nothing else. All the best!
Author freakygal78 Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Thanks guys for your advice, support and stories. Things with SG are going well although last week I started to think I had lost the plot and been emotionally vacuumed by MM again. I was having thoughts of breaking up with him because if I was still so distracted by MM to the point that I could not give my R w/ SG my total effort, then it's not fair on him right? Wrong - it's a choice I have to make. Unfortunately I can't leave my job as I have 2 months left on my contract and a large bonus if I stay - if I left, I would have to forgo this. So grin and bear it - it is! *Sigh* It is so hard. He is trying various things each day - conversation in the tearoom, chatting to other females, indifference - just to see what kind of a reaction he can get from me. I am pleasant to him but try to detach myself from him - seeing him for what an arrogant bastard he is - remembering all the pain he's caused me. I have also got rid of mementos, notes etc - this helped me let go. Thanks for all your words and I especially feel for those who have to see the forbidden objects of their desire daily...they are more addictive than crack...
Author freakygal78 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 Well I have been 'forced' to leave my job because of continuing bullying and harrassment - some because of the MM situation (everyong knew basically I had a crush on him / something was going on). Apart from that a lot of the men at work basically got it into their head that I was the whore of Babylon and nothing more than a target of their derision and vitriol. Ironically, it was some of these MM that hit on me initially asking me out for dinner and informing me 'subtly' that their wives were away - I had to dodge the gauntlet daily. It wasn't until I actually fell for someone who WAS attached that they started to get nasty. Of course I tried to keep the attraction discrete but these things have a way of becoming apparent when you interact with each other daily. I had to put up with these filthy 'side door' comments for months on top of my longing and pain pining for MM whom I thought I adored infinitely and the thought of living without his presence in my life albeit only at work gutted me! Man, the weekends I would wake up with tears trickling down my face because I knew I could never be with him!!! It was so torturous to me. Also, I would immerse myself in his music some nights with his songs on repeat play whilst drinking till I past out. I really ****ed myself up over him - and for what? He however got off on toying with my head, doling me out these suggestive songs and emails perpetuating the feelings I had for him for his own twisted gratification. I was basically offered my bonus early and it was suggested that I leave as I lost it and snapped at my supervisors last week, telling them they were not doing anything to remedy the harrassment after a final crass comment in the lift one morning which was the last straw. I guess in the end I left because I realised I had contributed to the situation and just wanted to leave the sorry miserable mess I found myself in. I only had 9 weeks to go but I just couldn't endure it anymore. Oh well, so now I am free of MM and his influence - I will never see him again likely and I still have my SG whom I adore and is making a huge difference in my life. To bring it home just how little regard MM held for me, I have to tell you all - I DID email him a good-bye and thanked him for having been a 'good friend' to me and that I will remember him fondly etc. (I guess it was just something I had to do) and I got a response back saying, 'you too, all the best' and he signed as his nickname for him that we'd shared. That is all I meant to him in the end, a two-line email. Hit the nail into the coffin for me anyways - now I can put his ghost to rest and realise just how pithy those 'very real' feelings that haunted me daily really were. Hope this helps some of you realise that intense romance you think you have is nothing but a fantasy and a HUGE ego boost for someone very unworthy. I have tried to gain something positive from all of this and explored myself quite deeply to realise why this attraction happened in the first place and hopefully I learn to value integrity, intimacy, honesty and loyalty in my relationships a lot more in the future because of it. Sorry for the long post - I guess this is sort of like the obituary for my attachment to MM... Some song lyrics I had to share which I listened to during this time of self-exploration/longing: We always have a choice Or at least I think we do We can always use our voice I thought this to be true We can live in fear Extend our selves to love We can fall below Or lift our selves above I'd love to give my self away But I find it hard to trust I've got no map to find my way Amongst these clouds of dust Fear can stop you loving Love can stop your fear Fear can stop you loving But it's not always that clear. - Fear and Love - Morcheeba.
lovernotafighter Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 woah..freakygal.. I am sorry you had to go through all this BS at work..but hey your out of that hellish situation once and for all and total NC can begin. I don't understand his e-mail..but I wouldn't be surprised in a month if he tried like hell to contact you. I noticed reading these boards and others,heck even my own MM at the moment..that these guys start flaking out well after the ow/om starts to get over them..it like catches up to them or something. my MM and I have been broken up for 2 months and though we still chatted once in a while..I felt heart broken..yesterday he tells me he feels like we never broke up..can't quite wrap my my mind around that but that's the MM logic for ya. anyway, glad to here you'll be moving on to better and greater things..good on ya :-)
Author freakygal78 Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 Godammit! Why do I keep dreaming about him? His country of birth - all and sundry - seems even though I am not working with MM anymore all this subconscious stuff is surfacing in my dreams - thought I would be OK with not seeing him again after I left and of course I have SG with me almost constantly but dang it, all these thoughts plague me in my dreams! Of course I would never try to contact him - I would be mortified to but I wish this would all stop - any ideas? Is it just a matter of time - do I need to let thoughts of him fade eventually? I don't purposely dwell on him in waking moments - I keep myself busy and entertained.
kellyp1 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I found myself thinking so much the other day, I forced myself to go out with friends. Then he sends me a message! It sucks but you have to chose your fate. Make it a point to get out and about and don't take any calls or look at any text messages. Let yourself get caught up with having some enjoyment in life without allowing yourself to think about him. Provide your own distractions and stay away from sappy movies and sad songs. That is my only advice. It is hard but friends make life that much better and they are there to help you get through this tough stage. That way, when he does come around again, you can be stronger and resist what you seem to know is wrong anyway. Good luck!
HennyPenny Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I find myself doing the dreaming and dwelling following a breakup. That's basically what it is. He sucked you in emotionally, but did so in such a way that his hands stayed clean. Since I'm currently fighting madly against the vortex, the only real advice I'd have is to remember what a real piece of work he is. It works for me (usually) but I'm still stuck having to deal with him everyday and that can be rough. This is what I do. If he's anything like my MM he portrays himself as this great person, this invaluable employee, this model husband/father. I think - what kind of upstanding, moral husband continuously fawns over another woman, manipulates another woman, and puts various parts of his body on another woman? Everytime I see those giant gorgeous baby blues goo-gooing at me in my peripheral vision I think - what the hell does he think I'm getting out of this, besides carpal tunnel syndrome? He is the only person who benefits at all from this situation. What would his wife think? What if I was married to a man who acted like the truest and the bluest and I caught him behaving this way around another woman? Since you're already out of the situation, remember how he manipulated you and how he kept you hot and bothered for no other reason but to stroke his own ego. That sucks, and it's shytty. He f*cked with your head, and that's wrong. He did it in such a way that he came out on top, which is rotten. You have a new guy who feels that you're worth more than an ego boost, and he deserves your attention. Screw MM. He's not a good person.
Author freakygal78 Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 Thanks Henny Penny and others for reminding me what a piece of sh*t he is and that fawning over such an ********* is fruitless - maybe I need a night out with some gals to realise what a dumb thing it is to be thinking about him in my sleep even though the 21yo guy sleeping beside me who loves and adores me validates that every day - still it's so stupid to be haunted by old ghosts such as this. Sad songs just make me fall apart - I even had ideations of putting my two favourite CD's I used to listen to and think about him in his letterbox but then that's just opening a can of worms. There is a work Xmas party I am most likely still attending with my SG so I'll no doubt see him then again with his wife in tow - I guess my best revenge is to look hot and happy with my new man I'm sorry seems a prick tease is all I have left in my closure bag. It's sad and pathetic - just want to make him feel bad for f*cking with someone who is so much more worthy than what he dealth me. I'm not sure about those dreams - I'm sure it's just subtle subconscious stuff resolving itself - I just hope it doesn't continue...since I really have no out. I really want to look hot at the Xmas party though in a month to just have that over him. Hehe! and I'd get to see his poor wife for the first time too - vindictiveness is not my best side but this bitterness brings it out in me. I'm sure I'm on the right path now though....thanks guys!
PoshPrincess Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Thanks Henny Penny and others for reminding me what a piece of sh*t he is and that fawning over such an ********* is fruitless - maybe I need a night out with some gals to realise what a dumb thing it is to be thinking about him in my sleep even though the 21yo guy sleeping beside me who loves and adores me validates that every day - still it's so stupid to be haunted by old ghosts such as this. Sad songs just make me fall apart - I even had ideations of putting my two favourite CD's I used to listen to and think about him in his letterbox but then that's just opening a can of worms. There is a work Xmas party I am most likely still attending with my SG so I'll no doubt see him then again with his wife in tow - I guess my best revenge is to look hot and happy with my new man I'm sorry seems a prick tease is all I have left in my closure bag. It's sad and pathetic - just want to make him feel bad for f*cking with someone who is so much more worthy than what he dealth me. I'm not sure about those dreams - I'm sure it's just subtle subconscious stuff resolving itself - I just hope it doesn't continue...since I really have no out. I really want to look hot at the Xmas party though in a month to just have that over him. Hehe! and I'd get to see his poor wife for the first time too - vindictiveness is not my best side but this bitterness brings it out in me. I'm sure I'm on the right path now though....thanks guys! You're doing good, gal! Dress up for the Christmas Party but you don't need to prove anything to him. Do it for yourself, to make you feel good. That's what it's all about!
Author freakygal78 Posted November 2, 2006 Author Posted November 2, 2006 Yes you are right Posh Princess - it would be for me!!! Not sure how seeing him again after a month will be. The best I can do is try and ignore him and enjoy myself with SG! What a loser! Wonder how his wife would feel knowing the emails he sent me (not denying my part in this also) but what a duplicitous fool!
Recommended Posts