My girl hangs out with guys

[ViNtAgERiFF]

Some background information first.. both me and my girlfriend are in the Navy, and she's on a 6 month deployment and wont be back till March timeframe. Also, me and her broke up last March because I couldnt handle the distance between me and her at the time and i kept accusing her of doing things with guys because when I left Pensacola, FL she started to hang out with guys and girls alike. Im better than before, now realizing that she will have guy friends in her life and i will have girl friends in my life. She is not the cheating type and I trust her not to.

 

Me and her started talking about a month and a half ago for the first time since that march we broke up, and everything just seemed to click and we realized we still loved each other. We got back together, and now that im on the West coast (where she's from) I was able to meet her parents for the first time. She flew up to her parents before I did, I was to arrive later that week. Her best guy friend, Mike, and her went to the movies alone with each other. I got upset with her and she apologized, case closed. She also told me she hung out with her most recent ex, Alex, at starbucks to "catch up on things" and she says she does this because her mom says she should be nice to him. I got a lil mad at that, never told her, but i dismissed it because i really felt it was harmless, but ive always wondered if it was. Secondly, I'm not a huge drinker, but ill drink occasionally. When I flew up there later that week, her and her best friend, Lashane, got completely smashed on some brandy and I got a lil buzzed. Lashane wanted to drive to some guy's house so she could get some midnight nookie, and at first my girlfriend said no but was talked into it later, and so they preceeded to ask me if it was alright. I, above all, do not condone drinking and driving, and I felt they put me on the spot considering I was trying to impress her best friend (it was the first time I met her, too). I walked out the house, they never went, and my girl apologized. She knew how I felt about drinking and driving. The reason why i bring this up is to present two different kinds of trust: I trust her to never cheat, but I dont trust her to make the right decisions. As of right now, me and her consider each other engaged, but i havent asked so its a weird situation. Here is me and her current situation:

 

 

I have a problem with her hanging out with guys. To me, there is no reason why she should hang out with guys without me. However, there are exceptions... like visiting with them when she goes home, or hanging out with them in mixed company, but never alone and definately not hanging out in places that could be interpreted as a date, like the movie theatres. I do not like the idea that my girlfriend appears available to guys when she hangs out with them, because as a guy i know first hand that when a girl says she has a boyfriend, that doesnt necessarily mean she isnt available. Unfortunately, the world isnt perfect, and thats why us men think that or get that impression from some women. Like i said, i would never think that my girlfriend would cheat on me however I feel that as her boyfriend that she should respect my feelings on the matter. I believe she understands where im coming from, but here's the problem. I bring it up a lot, and it drives her bonkers. I try to confide in her as I should, but she gets mad at me for bringing the guy situation up because i come up with hypothetical situations and I ask her what she would do in that situation, and when we dont see eye to eye, we argue. My pov is im trying to fix a problem before it happens. She has a lot of guy friends, and I'm not trying to keep her away from her guy friends, but I want her to understand that I should be her only male influence, if thats the word. She sees guy friends as "friends", and thats what makes it alright to hang out with them. She has no level of whats appropriate or not. I see her POV, but I feel mine has more strength. Also, because I am underage, I cant go to certain clubs or bars with her and her friends, and Ive asked her before if she would go to the bars and clubs without me and she said yes, and the way her and her friends are, they go quite often, so I got upset with her and told her that I wouldnt like to feel left out. So here's my question...

 

Am i controlling, am I an extremely jealous person, or do you think I'm being a normal guy who looks a lot into the respect and appropriateness of dating? Am i right, is she right, are we both wrong or are we both right?

 

Please let me know, I think she might be dumping me today which i may of posted this a day too late but I really need to know if im losing it.

[Winfield]

She also told me she hung out with her most recent ex, Alex, at starbucks to "catch up on things" and she says she does this because her mom says she should be nice to him. I got a lil mad at that, never told her, but i dismissed it because i really felt it was harmless, but ive always wondered if it was.

 

Ah, the old "seed of doubt", it never fails! But, what business does your girlfriend's mother have in telling her daughter to be "nice" to her exes? Fair enough, being nice and saying "hello" in passing and all...but surely her mother was aware that you are her boyfriend now?

 

Your post reminds me of a dating issue I had to deal with a while back. I once dated a girl who had one particular male friend, who she spoke about...a lot...during the time we dated. How did it make me feel? Second best OK, so she'd known the guy for years (they'd met through work), and over the period of me dating her, in comparison to her "friend", I'd only known her for about 5 minutes (a figure of speech - we dated for about 4 months). The question I kept asking myself though when she spoke about him was "who am I to come between their friendship"?

 

They went to gigs together, bought presents for each other's birthdays, etc...I must say, it really made me wonder at times...but after months of having this play on my mind, I decided to end the relationship.

 

My advice is to just go with what you feel comfortable with. The impression I get from your post though is that you're not OK with her meeting up with guys, therefore it's making you feel a bit uneasy...and to me (speaking from experience), that's understandable.

 

Maybe it's time to look for a girl who's only got the time for one guy in her life?

[Guest]

I had a similar problem and i was so pissed off at my ex all the time for it. Sure i trusted her but that wasnt the problem. Its just something you dont do to a boyfriend if it really makes him mad. But anyway, i told her about how i felt and we got into an argument. The argument ended up getting worse and since that day, it just went downhill. mroe arguments, some over the same thing, which led to others. I regret so much arguing with her over it. an now its over.

 

Im not saying thats the main reason y we broke up but it started a long chain of arguments. anyway, if u really love this girl, and u dont wanna lose her, u will regret arguing with her over this. u gotta get over it. i couldnt do it and i still dont think i could now. But id like to go back in time and try. so if u love her, let it go, or else only baad things are gonna happen to you. if shes not cheating on you, let it go. And if u dont think u can sorta like me, i suggest u talk to her about it but NOT in a controlling type of way. becasue chances r she will win that argument, and its not worth it.

[Guest]

Really tough situation -

 

I've been through the exact same thing, except I was the girl who hung out with other guys. I don't know what your girl is like but in my situation I did not look at these guys as opportunities. They were there to pass the time or just hang out with, even talk about their girlfriends with and try to help encourage them with whatever they were pursuing. I wouldn't ever look at them in a sexual way.

 

However...a girl can't be naive. If a guy is hanging out with an attractive girl for any length of time it's because he likes her. Sure, he might respect her relationship, but if it goes south, he'll be around the pick up the pieces.

 

I think the thing that bothers boyfriends so much is the fact that your girl is making it seem like she is available even though that may be the furthest thing from her mind. Girls need other people to talk to and, if your girl is like me, it might be hard to find female friends. Especially because she's in the Navy (My boyfriend and I are both in the Army).

 

So - girls see other guys as sounding boards and that is why we think it is okay for us to hang out with them. We don't look at their ass, pecs and packages lusting after them while wearing a sweet platonic smile. Guys though KNOW that if their girl is out with a guy he is probably looking at her boobs and ass. Sad, but true.

 

My point in all this is you might not be mad at your girlfriend for wanting friends and being mature enough not to let sexuality get in the way of it, but you're uneasy at the fact that other guys see her as more available than you would like.

 

I tend to think you both need to compromise. Maybe she should curtail her solo outings with male friends at the movie theatres and other date like locales, but you need to work on your own issues as well. Talk it out. Tell her what makes you uncomfortable and work with her. If she isn't willing to listen or work with you then she's just being selfish and probably not ready to be in a mature relationship. I know it took me a while to realize that by making myself seem more available that I should have been really hurt my boyfriend and I took steps to tone it down. He also realized that I wanted to work on things and allowed me to still be an independent person. We were able to work things out and we're happy with things now. I hope you can work things out too.

 

Good luck.

[skimmy]

I've always been more comfortable around guys, they tend to be straighter with me, not as much bullsh***ing or manipulation, and I get along better with them, both as friends and as co-workers. I'd rather work for a male boss than a female one, although I have met some cool chicks to be friends with. I tend to be more on the tomboy side in my personality(though I do think it's important to look nice and feminine)...maybe this girl of yours is like that. Some girls just find it easier to talk to guys, cuz other girls play too many political catty games. Just my 2 cents...