Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 My boyfriend and I have lived together for 4yrs. now. He has made no effort to get a divorce. This really bothers me. I am in no hurry to get remarried any time soon. But I would feel a little more secure in our relationship & happy if he were a free man. What can I do? I have tried to impress upon him how important this is to me. And how it makes me feel. He is with me and don't believe he has been with her since we have been together. But feel she is like a safety net... if we don't work out. He has lost nothing and will work his way back to her. Which he had done once before... before I came along . I am so confused.
Marielle Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 If I was in your place I would really not worry about it, I know it's a concern, but at this point he's been living with you for 4 yrs...I think that 's his personal decision between him and his EX. I would only worrry about it if I absolutely need to get married. Just enjoy he's love. I wish my boyfriend was living with me. He loves me like crazy, but he is still at home with wife and baby...He wants to move out but not yet, he wants me to be patient:mad: :mad: Hope it helps you a bit
Jazzy Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 My boyfriend and I have lived together for 4yrs. now. He has made no effort to get a divorce. This really bothers me. I am in no hurry to get remarried any time soon. But I would feel a little more secure in our relationship & happy if he were a free man. What can I do? I have tried to impress upon him how important this is to me. And how it makes me feel. He is with me and don't believe he has been with her since we have been together. But feel she is like a safety net... if we don't work out. He has lost nothing and will work his way back to her. Which he had done once before... before I came along . I am so confused. Sweetheart with much compassion, You knew this going in (when you met him). You continued to date him and "settled" for these terms. So who's to blame? What you need to do now is figure out if you're going to continue to settle for this and enable him to treat you as such. Did you think you could change his mind or what? Because after 4 years...I would be doing some changing, It's up to You! It's decision time.........Good Luck Sweet!
maoserr Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You should wait til you're ready to get married before asking him to make that decision, or else it would be kinda selfish.
crazy_grl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Just to clarify things a little, you started dating him after he and his wife were seperated right? Your post gives me that impression. I can completely understand why you'd want him not to be officially married to someone else. But ultimately it's his decision. You can't make him do it. I can't really see much that you can do other than decide to leave if he doesn't want to.
crazy_grl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You should wait til you're ready to get married before asking him to make that decision, or else it would be kinda selfish. I couldn't disagree more with this.
Island Girl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You should wait til you're ready to get married before asking him to make that decision, or else it would be kinda selfish. Selfish? Maybe. -- I don't think so AT ALL. You are living with this man. You are involved with him and planning a life with him. In the meantime - he technically belongs to someone else. He is still someone else's husband. There is no excuse to still be married. A safety net? - If he is secure with you and that he is happy with you, why would he need a safety net? If he isn't secure with you after 4 years he has serious issues with commiting to you and you should put him in a position where he can be alone and work out his life or move on with you. I am assuming eventually you want to get married. At least have the option. The declaration that the two of you are commited to each other only. Well, that can't happen as long as he is still married to someone else. You also said he has gone back to her on occasion. So there is a very real problem with him leaving that door open. That can't make you feel very secure at all. Like he is leaving that option so if he just wants to make a switch he can and it would be so easy for him to just up and go. I say this having been in this situation. I didn't know he was married initially - when I found out he told me his wife would not give him a divorce. I had a very frank conversation with his wife so I could figure out if he was lying to me or her. He wasn't lying. She told me he had been telling her he did not want to be with her and hadn't lived with her for almost a year. I told him to clean up his life and deal with his crap. I told him we had nothing to talk about and there would be no 'us' as long as there was a 'them'. I let him know I wouldn't sit around and wait either. Boy, that got him in action! He had a few lengthy discussions with her and she finally consented when she realized he was in love with me. They got divorced and she married another man the same month we got married (4 years later).
Guest Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Selfish? Maybe. -- I don't think so AT ALL. You are living with this man. You are involved with him and planning a life with him. In the meantime - he technically belongs to someone else. He is still someone else's husband. There is no excuse to still be married. A safety net? - If he is secure with you and that he is happy with you, why would he need a safety net? If he isn't secure with you after 4 years he has serious issues with commiting to you and you should put him in a position where he can be alone and work out his life or move on with you. I am assuming eventually you want to get married. At least have the option. The declaration that the two of you are commited to each other only. Well, that can't happen as long as he is still married to someone else. You also said he has gone back to her on occasion. So there is a very real problem with him leaving that door open. That can't make you feel very secure at all. Like he is leaving that option so if he just wants to make a switch he can and it would be so easy for him to just up and go. I say this having been in this situation. I didn't know he was married initially - when I found out he told me his wife would not give him a divorce. I had a very frank conversation with his wife so I could figure out if he was lying to me or her. He wasn't lying. She told me he had been telling her he did not want to be with her and hadn't lived with her for almost a year. I told him to clean up his life and deal with his crap. I told him we had nothing to talk about and there would be no 'us' as long as there was a 'them'. I let him know I wouldn't sit around and wait either. Boy, that got him in action! He had a few lengthy discussions with her and she finally consented when she realized he was in love with me. They got divorced and she married another man the same month we got married (4 years later). Thanks... I have decided to do a little tough love approach of my own after reading the replys. Four years is long enough to know where his heart is. If he still has issues and indecisions ...he needs to figure it out. So I packed up his belonging & He can move out for a few months. If he still even remotely has feeling for his wife and is unable to let go and move on ...so we can move on. He needs to figure out just what it is he wants. Or what it is ... get together with her talk, see what kind of feeling are still really there . His children are grown, so kids are not an issue. My children are grown as well. So it is just the two of us. It hurts, but I think I am doing the right thing here. I could just sit by and live with him and let it be. But I can't. I need to do this ..get past this limbo state . So time will tell. Hope he will find ,whatever it is that is hidden in his heart for her.. or find that he wants a future together with me and is ready to let go. Thanks again. will let you know how things go down the road.
Guest Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You should wait til you're ready to get married before asking him to make that decision, or else it would be kinda selfish. I am in no hurry to get re-married. But I want us to be just that...US. Not a third wheel. I would like to be able to continue to build our relationship..with the hopes of a future maybe even a lifetime together. It's time to figure out what he wants...so am giving him a chance to sort out just what he wants . Either let go and lets move on. Or figure out why it is you can't let go of her, if there is something still there in his heart. He now has a chance to maybe start working his way on back. But one way or the other...It can't be both..not for me. I just can't live in limbo. I am 48 , he is 52. But thanks for your in put. We will see what happens. I would rather move on into another stage of my life and do it now .
maoserr Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Well, I have no experience with this scenario, but I wouldn't feel threatened if someone I was dating was not divorced as long as they are ready to divorce if we ever felt like marrying (it just really seems like a technicality to me, but then again, I don't really know). Um... yea, if it's really bothering you, talk to the guy, ask him why he does not feel like getting divorced. And sort out your own feelings about this with him. Just have a nice long talk with him. You said you tried to impress upon him, well beat him over the head with it, maybe he's just a little dense ;-). Don't give him an ultimatum, however, until you know what he's thinking; then you can decide if he's worth it or not.
reneet Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You can read my very firt post. It'll give you some background about my situation. Close to yours actually. Together for 6 yrs & living together for 4 years. He's still married. I am divorced. He has all kinds of excused for not getting divorced ie to expensive, too much to lose (boat, shore house etc...) now it's his son who is sick with leukemia. He doesn't want the added stress. Hmmmm. He's got stress:lmao: I am not wanting to marry him. It would be nice for him to get divorced only for the fact that she is seeing someone also & there is no relationship there anymore. (Am I making sense here?) All I'm saying is don't hold your breath for the divorce. It's been a long time now for me. I'm still waiting after 6 years.
Island Girl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Don't give him an ultimatum, however, until you know what he's thinking; then you can decide if he's worth it or not. I guess there lies the difference. To me, I don't care what he is thinking. The only thing that matters is how I am feeling and what I am thinking. I don't want anyone talking to me, or sleeping next to me who is technically (or otherwise) somebody else's. I know I deserve it all - without questions, without doubts, and definitely without fears that he could just go running back to her when it suits him. If I am willing to put in the effort to build an intimate, honest, loving, and devoted relationship, be with him and building a future together - in no way hindered from any decision about us, our future, or finances then HE BETTER BE TOO. If not he is simply not worth my time or effort. And I couldn't care less what he thinks or feels about it. If he loves and wants me, he has to do the work to be worthy of me.
Guest Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I guess there lies the difference. To me, I don't care what he is thinking. The only thing that matters is how I am feeling and what I am thinking. I don't want anyone talking to me, or sleeping next to me who is technically (or otherwise) somebody else's. I know I deserve it all - without questions, without doubts, and definitely without fears that he could just go running back to her when it suits him. If I am willing to put in the effort to build an intimate, honest, loving, and devoted relationship, be with him and building a future together - in no way hindered from any decision about us, our future, or finances then HE BETTER BE TOO. If not he is simply not worth my time or effort. And I couldn't care less what he thinks or feels about it. If he loves and wants me, he has to do the work to be worthy of me. Island Girl.... You couldn't have put it any better!! You Nailed that one. You are so right. Well Said.................. We are worth it... He wants to keep what we have , now is the time to make it or break it! Thanks.
Island Girl Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Absolutely. We are worth it. Too many times women (and men sometimes too) are willing to settle - take less and justify being with someone. Usually that is defined by using a lot of 'buts' when describing him or the relationship. He yells at me all the time, but, he has a really stressful job. He isn't affectionate, but, he was brought up that way. He wants to be with me, but, he is still married. He would get a divorce, but, he can't because of kids, etc. I don't want the buts. I want it all. I am willing to give it so I deserve to get it. That doesn't mean there aren't problems but at least if there are I know I am with someone who is just as commited to staying and working them out as I am. Good luck to you. You'll be suprised how much can happen for you when you demand and expect it all.
Guest Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Absolutely. We are worth it. Too many times women (and men sometimes too) are willing to settle - take less and justify being with someone. Usually that is defined by using a lot of 'buts' when describing him or the relationship. He yells at me all the time, but, he has a really stressful job. He isn't affectionate, but, he was brought up that way. He wants to be with me, but, he is still married. He would get a divorce, but, he can't because of kids, etc. I don't want the buts. I want it all. I am willing to give it so I deserve to get it. That doesn't mean there aren't problems but at least if there are I know I am with someone who is just as commited to staying and working them out as I am. Good luck to you. You'll be suprised how much can happen for you when you demand and expect it all. Thanks Once again... Your words give me strength and the encouragement I needed. My feelings are justified and I am not foolish in wanting more...wanting it all. That I just shouldn't sit back and except things the way they are. Granted he treats me fine, even took me on a wonderful trip to Europe. It was wonderful until the wife found out... But We should be past all that.. Our life together should be just that, ours and not to be concerned otherwise. But I would give up a hundred trips to europe just to have him give me this one thing. That's all I ask. The Ball is in his court now.. I had everything thing of his packed up. And threw him quite a curve ball when he came home. He insisted he wasn't going anywhere! He would take care of it... then left. I thought he was really going to do something..right. What did he do just went off and got himself something to eat. When he came home I told him to get his dads truck and load it up . To make a long story short...he agreed to contact his wife and get things moving ..talking anyway about doing up the seperation papers. Told him if he meant what he said...then prove it or the stuff goes out the door. HE MADE THE CALL. So it is a start. And he is still here with me. I just I made the right decision in letting him stay. Tell ya what though... not to much time will pass. I had better see and hear of progress being made . Or next time there won't be a second chance... All or Nothing Baby. GET R DONE ! So I wait...very impatiently mind you. Thank you again for the strength and encouragement.
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