atm2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 So, my husband of two years left. We have been together for four years and married for right at two years. We are both young and we have two children back to back, a little boy that is 16 months and a little girl who is 4 months. He just decided one day that he would leave, he wasn't happy anymore, didn't love me anymore, blah blah blah. He wants to pay for the divorce and do everything but he can't hold a job. He literally stopped trying to support our family, jumped from job to job we had to move in with my parents because we couldn't pay the bills and he refused to let me work. Anyways, he is gone and I had to go file for divorce because everytime something isn't going his way he wants the kids for days. I just don't agree with them going for long periods of times, i understand and agree that they need time with him too. They are babies and he isn't known to be very responsible, it just scares me to know that i'm not there with them. So I have filed for divorce and a TRO to protect my children. I miss him and I still love him, I know we could make it work... it has only been two years and I was pregnant most of it. I feel betrayed and unloved and I have to be tough and go on day by day like nothing is wrong for my children. He calls and cusses at me if I have plans for the kids to go somewhere or do something and he all of a sudden wants them. He demands to know where i am and what i'm doing if i don't answer the phone. I didn't leave him he left me, why do I still have to deal with him if he doesn't want to make it work. If he doesn't care why does it seem like he still does. I don't have time to deal with his up and down emotions, i have two babies to take care of. I guess i just dont know what to do or know how i'm supposed to feel. I've always been a strong independent person, but he was really pushed me down. There are so emotions, and it seems like he is happy at time but miserable at other times. It seems he only calls me when he is miserable and he pretends like everything is fine. I don't even think he misses me or anything about our relationship or our family and it hurts so much. How can someone say the vows and just walk away when times get tough? And what am I supposed to do, sit around and wait for him, go on with my life, pretend like it doesn't matter? and am i doing the right thing by filing first even though i wish it would still work out?
anna13 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 was your divorce finalized? well if you are not living together and not really together at this time , you should not inform him of any plans thatyou are making in your personal life that doesn't pertain to him. also things about the kids... if you are going to the movies withthe kids or the park or wherever youdont need permission from your ex spouce weather you can do these things or not. even if you were still married or together you shouldnt have to answer for every thing you and your kids do together. maybe the first thing to do is agree on a visitation schedual ( legally on paper) that way there is no stress and no arguments about it. just because you do this does not mean it is the end of the road for you two ,,, it will just give order to your situation rightnow. he is sounding close to becoming a stalker ,,, i would be very carefull because his obsession with what you do with your time may increase . before that happens nip it in the bud. if it has been so long since a seperation you shouldnt be so in on each other's lives . only the kids visitation and child support that's it . you do realize he is controlling your life when he isnt really in it . be carefull with him. he sounds like he could go off the deep end soon ok . go find a attorney or someone to create the visitation agreement. if you already have had a TRO on him i would say hurry and get this out of the way . like I said before it gets out of hand. like i said in another post you think it is bad now till the situation gets worst. also i fyou still love him and miss him there isnt anything wrong with that for now because he is confusing you , his controlling is making you feel like he cares but it might just be a controll issue for him . anyway hope i helped. you will find the support you need here.
Author atm2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 thanks for your reply, i never thought about him turning into a stalker. it's just so hard to believe this is happening, i mean i know that it is and there is nothing to do about it...it just happened so suddenly. Today was a pretty good day, no angry calls since i told him yesterday to stop talking to me so ugly because i dont have to listen to it or deal with it anymore. My plate is already full with two little ones that i'm trying to take care of and I don't need to worry about him if he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I want him to be with the children's life but it seems that right now his own life is more important to him then his life with his children. I know that I can't make him love me and I can't make him be in his children's life....but i'm not going to let him see them only when he wants b/c sometimes he wants them for days and days...they need a stable life with a stable home and a schedule. I'm working on getting a visitation schedule started i'm just waiting for my lawyer to contact me back... and as for me i know that time can only heal me...it just hurts so much. thanks again for the reply i will be careful from now on.
anna13 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I know things move so fast and it is almost hard to keep up but i remember a friend I used to have , she divorced her husband and he would always call her , she thought it was cause he still cared . he always wanted to know where there daughter was what were they doing ect. one day she was at a club with her friends , and she was dancing with a guy she told me ( i wasnt there) that the guy stoped dancing and backed off a little and she didnt understand why .. but when she turned around her ex husband was standing there right behind her and stared at her , not one word and walked out of the club a few minutes later she was leaving and her friends followed her back to her car . some of her tires were slashed. next few weeks things got worse he would come by the house without a call and bang on the door claiming to want to see his daughter now and then he would ask for my friend too who would sometimes be at work . after a TRO and a few months he moved away to another state . and they were able to agree to a visitation schedual and after years went by he found someone else and doesnt bother her anymore. she notices that if she talks to him too long he gets controlling again . that is a super long story but trust me you have to watch things so things dont go from bad to worse so quickly . you know what i mean . but i am so glad you have things going with the visitation agreement cause that will help the situation a great deal for you and the kids. they will have a routine and so will you that is great. hang in there.
Author atm2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 i'm glad it worked out for your friend i know it will work out for me... i just need time. He just showed up today, his excuse "just stopped by to see the kids". I wasn't home all day and he called all day so i think he was just checking to see if i wasn't answering the phone. He acted like nothing was wrong, offered to help me with stuff that i was doing, smoked a cigarrette, talked to my mom, used the restroom asked if i was happy, and left. I told him i wasn't happy but everyone goes through it and i can make it...and that i'm doing really good. When i asked him if he was happy he said yea and left. I don't know what he was trying to do or what he expected me to do. He didn't even talk or kiss our daughter good bye. I don't want to look to deep into this, at this point i just want it to be over...i'm tired of feeling this way inside and i dont know how i should act or what i should say when he is around....thanks for that story though....i'll be as careful as i can be.
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