NoIDidn't Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I always find it amusing when OW think the BW shouldn't be mad at them. I wasn't mad at my H *friend*. Annoyed by her thinking I had no right to interfere with her R with her boyfriend while she interfered in my M, but still not mad at her - per se. Thing is, this. When a BW comes here and rants at you all, you are getting the anger she reserves for the OW. You are not there when she rants at her H, so you don't know how she feels towards him. But trust me, he is in the doghouse. There were two people involved in her betrayal, and she is justifiably angry at both. What I will say against it is this one thing: the OW on some anonymous internet board is not the OW that was sleeping with the BW H (at least not most of the time). Its displaced anger. Maybe BW is afraid to confront the actual OW in her life. Or maybe she just doesn't understand the *type* of woman that does this to hers or other Ms. Either way, I think it is best done in therapy. Betrayal is hard. It takes many years, or so I am told, to get past it (you never get over it).
BUTAFLY Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 What I will say against it is this one thing: the OW on some anonymous internet board is not the OW that was sleeping with the BW H (at least not most of the time). Its displaced anger. Maybe BW is afraid to confront the actual OW in her life. Or maybe she just doesn't understand the *type* of woman that does this to hers or other Ms. Either way' date=' I think it is best done in therapy. Betrayal is hard. It takes many years, or so I am told, to get past it (you never get over it).[/quote'] Good point.
stillhere Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 But i can tell you that if his W had done everything right, he would have never approached me. Yes, he was being selfish, but she didn't try to fill the needs that he discussed with her many times and how he felt. I'm not pointing the finger at her, but i refuse to take all the blame in this triangle. I am fully aware of what i am doing, and so is he. We must deal with any and all consequences if things do go wrong. QUOTE] I don't recollect anyone asking why the BS is angry...we KNOW why the BS is angry; her H is an a**hole and doesn't respect his marriage vows..the part we don't get is why ALL that anger is directly placed on us, when we didn't promise anyone anything... I think what frustrates some of us BW is that so many OW seem unable to understand what we are saying in threads like this one and time and time again take issue with something the OP hasn't actually said. Two examples of this are above, Stillhere and Greeneyedlady say they 'refuse to take all the blame' and 'we don't get why ALL that anger is directly placed on us'..... Who's placing all the blame on you guys? The OP certainly isn't but for some reason you don't seem able to recognise it. Most BW's DO NOT PLACE ALL THE BLAME ON THE OW. most BWs place most of the blame ON THEIR HUSBANDS and blame the OW far less than their men. It seems though that some OW object to any kind of backlash from BWs and make it quite clear that negative, accusatory posts are unwelcome on this forum. This is a forum for support to OW so apparently BWs are shouldn't come here to 'bash' or 'blame' anyone. Well according to Stillhere if her MM's wife had 'done everything right' he wouldn't have approached her but that they 'must deal with any and all consequences if things do go wrong.' Similarly if you had done everything right and not got involved with a MM the words of BWs would not be of any concern to you personally. And believe it or not, BWs posting slightly uncomplimentary threads on LS are the least of the consequences you may have to face as a result of having an affair with a MM. His wife has to face a fair few consequences as a result of her husband's affair with you too, but I don't think many wives get consulted beforehand do they? Why shouldn't a BW blame the OW for her part in the affair and furthermore, why shouldn't she be allowed to say so? She didn't make any vows to the OW, hell she usually hasn't got a clue who the OW even is, why do so many OW resent hearing her thoughts on the subject? If OW can shag married men I think BW's are entitled to their reactions and anger, whether you like it or not. It baffles me how affronted some of you get whenever a BW pops in and has a go at you. It's funny how GEL describes the wife's husband as an arsehole who doesn't respect his marriage vows. That's the same arsehole she had an affair with who didn't respect her either I suspect. Maybe it's time wives recognised that this world is full of people who don't share their views on morality and respect, but maybe it's time some OW recognised that a lot of wives don't share their views on affairs either, especially when it's their husband who's having/had one. I realise the new arrivals may react to my post as another attack on OW. It's not. I'm merely pointing out the facts as sometimes I can't believe how stroppy and unreasonable a few of you can be. I'm sorry you are in pain and hope you eventually move on to a happier place in your life veronese x I am taking the blame, just not all of it. Like it or not. My situation is not going to change anytime soon. I will deal with his W if that time ever comes. I will have no choice. But i know that she won't just blame me for this A, he is very much involved as well. I agree with you, but that still isn't going to make me change my mind. I love him, he loves me, and it's possible we may be together some day. Life sucks sometimes, and some realize the man they married isn't the man they thought he was. Yes, i accepted his offer and fell in love. He and I are both to blame, but i refuse to take it all. I didn't rape him tonight!! He was very much a willing party. Enough said, because i'm not going to get into a p*ssing match that will lead nowhere. You will not receive anymore insight from me, and i will receive none from you. My mind is made up, and i'm going to stay right where i am until i've had enough, which may be never.
Can'tGiveUp Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I am taking the blame, just not all of it. Like it or not. My situation is not going to change anytime soon. I will deal with his W if that time ever comes. I will have no choice. But i know that she won't just blame me for this A, he is very much involved as well. I agree with you, but that still isn't going to make me change my mind. I love him, he loves me, and it's possible we may be together some day. Life sucks sometimes, and some realize the man they married isn't the man they thought he was. Yes, i accepted his offer and fell in love. He and I are both to blame, but i refuse to take it all. I didn't rape him tonight!! He was very much a willing party. Enough said, because i'm not going to get into a p*ssing match that will lead nowhere. You will not receive anymore insight from me, and i will receive none from you. My mind is made up, and i'm going to stay right where i am until i've had enough, which may be never. Just in case you need to hear it...bravo and good luck! BTW - that is support...she didn't ask for any advice...I didn't offer any.
stillhere Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Just in case you need to hear it...bravo and good luck! BTW - that is support...she didn't ask for any advice...I didn't offer any. Thank you!! There used to be some pretty amazing women on here that offered some very useful support, but they got kicked off because they felt the need to defend themselves. I could care less what these BS think of me. I'm not the one with their H. Deal with him and his OW, because i'm not listening!!! I know it's a selfish and at times, childish, way to deal with things, but i'm a big girl and i can take care of myself. I'm going to do what i want, when i want, and some crazed lunatic with nothing better to do than throw out random and insulting remarks at me, will not make me change my mind and stop doing what i'm doing. Maybe the BS's out there who want to make their M's work, should be spending quality time with their H, and not sitting on the computer attacking every OW that wanders across their path. If they put as much effort into their H, as they do hatred towards complete strangers, maybe they would be much happier in their own lives.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Just in case you need to hear it...bravo and good luck! BTW - that is support...she didn't ask for any advice...I didn't offer any. That is what we are here for...support...not us vs. them...or vice versa... BTW SH: sounds like you had a good night...
stillhere Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 That is what we are here for...support...not us vs. them...or vice versa... BTW SH: sounds like you had a good night... I sure did!!!
stillhere Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Oh, and speaking of support............BUNSET, if you are reading this, PM me. LNF told me that you are having a hard time and i can't get into our other site for some reason. I'm here for you girl!!
UnknowingOW Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Guest, I am sorry for your pain. It's terrible to be in a situtation where the man you love lied to you. I have been the BS and the unknowing OW. I can tell to both sides hurt equally. The point to your post is actually this...the man you loved and trusted has betrayed you in ways you never thought. He took away your reality, and now you feel as you are living in some type of shameful existence. He's taken away your respect in your marriage, for him and even yourself. I can tell you this, and this is speaking as a BW, somewhere in your mind before all this knowledge of the A; you knew something was terribly wrong in your marriage. You felt it...you just dismissed it like anyone else who wants to believe there is anything but the A happening in their marriage. You can be mad at the OW, but what does that do for you? It makes you feel worse then you already do. Your anger is valid. No one is saying it isn't. But realize where the real focus of your anger is. I realized very quickly with my EX h's affairs...it wasn't the OPs...it was my EX H who was the true focus of my anger. Yes, those OP may have known about me, but I certainly did not know about them. And why should I waste my time on being mad at them when it was my H's fault for the A? It wasn't worth it...the fact that he had wronged me was far worse then the OP being involved....they wouldn't have be involved if he hadn't had persued it. My anger was with myself...I had that voice tell me something was wrong, but I dismissed it. Now to speak to as an OW. My XMM persued me for 5-years. Lied to me for 5-years about being divorced. I held off for 5-years from becoming completely physical with him because of his issuse about our age difference...he's 15-years older then me. I also knew the day he finally said, he wanted to be with me was the day I could finally be with him. I knew this man finally wanted a full relationship and was finally over his age issue. I knew he loved me. I had known he loved me for years. And it happened we stepped over the edge...and I knew within days something wasn't right (as stated above from that inner voice something wasn't right). I pulled a background check to learn he was still married....yes the man I waited many years for and loved lied to me. I haven't seen him since May 2006...this was when I found out. I can tell you this, he hasn't stopped persuing me either. He tells me daily how much he loves me. I can tell you I love him. I can tell I will NEVER be with him again because I lost my faith in him. As for LS...I found this place when all this hell broke wide open in my life. The OWs I found were great women. And yes, we all left because we were sick of being bashed. And the reason they aren't back on LS...they've moved on with their life and no longer need LS. Anyway, good luck Guest...I hope you find inner peace.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 UOW: what a terrific, heartfelt post!!! Your wisdom and compassion shine through...
owcanbhppy Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 hello, ill first address the remark about guest vs screen name anonymity. so often guests breeze in here to make flaming remarks. under guest, most of the time your posts cant be compared, for things such as consistancy, hypocracy. also when a guest comes here to flame, they are here for no constructive purpose. they arent joining w/ a name to continue interaction to learn. just to attempt to take their misery out on strangers. btw, they have no success in spreading misery onto me, im happy, theyre still miserable when theyre finished. your reason for not taking a screen name at this point (for your children) is understandable. tip: you could open a yahoo or hotmail acct for free to have your own private e-mail. i dont blame mm or his w for our affair. he did approach me (for a looong time), but forced me into nothing. im very happy in our r, so i dont have a need to blame any one.
Recommended Posts