I'm a guest BW

[Guest]

First let me tell you why I am guest for now. I share my e-mail with my kids and I don't want to get them involved in this forum. When I have a secure e-mail, I will be more that happy to get a user name.

 

Second, we are not hiding behind guest. Those of you who have user names are just as anonymous as we are.

 

Now, why do we bash the OW. I can only answer for myself, so here goes. I don't understand why you OW have so little respect for yourself and other women. If a man is married, he's married. It's not your business if he's happily married or miserable, HE IS MARRIED! You say, it's our husbands fault, that you really didn't want to, but it just happened. Do you seriously believe that? Yes, I agree, a wife should blame her husband first and foremost, but let's not kid ourselves and say that the OW is a victim.

 

Don't you think that having sex with a MM is wife bashing? So, we bash in the aftermath. As kids would say, you started it.

[spinningwheels]

This is a place for support! A lot of women here are trying to end a relationship with MM. Even if we are not---piss off troll! Go post on the BS site!

[GreenEyedLady]

First let me tell you why I am guest for now. I share my e-mail with my kids and I don't want to get them involved in this forum. When I have a secure e-mail, I will be more that happy to get a user name.

 

Second, we are not hiding behind guest. Those of you who have user names are just as anonymous as we are.

 

Now, why do we bash the OW. I can only answer for myself, so here goes. I don't understand why you OW have so little respect for yourself and other women. If a man is married, he's married. It's not your business if he's happily married or miserable, HE IS MARRIED! You say, it's our husbands fault, that you really didn't want to, but it just happened. Do you seriously believe that? Yes, I agree, a wife should blame her husband first and foremost, but let's not kid ourselves and say that the OW is a victim.

 

Don't you think that having sex with a MM is wife bashing? So, we bash in the aftermath. As kids would say, you started it.

 

I am truly sorry for your pain and bitterness...I can see that you are very angry...I think that BS see the OW as portraying themselves as victims because they offer an explanation as to why they find themselves in the extramarital situation...I can say for myself all I offer is an explanation, it is not a justification...I don't feel the need to justify it...I love a man, period...I am sorry that he is married...I would like to have the hope that any woman does that she MIGHT end up with her man and know that it is a definite possibility...I only have a glimmer of that hope...

 

Further, W expect to control someone who doesn't owe them anything when they can't even control the person who owes them everything...

 

I hope you find peace...

[Dayzie]

Can't help who you fall in love with! The fact is some men don't tell the OW they are indeed the OW until she has fallen for him. Not like we wake up and think, hey I'm going to destroy someones marriage today, who shall be my victim? Stuff happens that you can't control, that's a big part of life.

[Guest]

First let me tell you why I am guest for now. I share my e-mail with my kids and I don't want to get them involved in this forum. When I have a secure e-mail, I will be more that happy to get a user name.

 

Second, we are not hiding behind guest. Those of you who have user names are just as anonymous as we are.

 

Now, why do we bash the OW. I can only answer for myself, so here goes. I don't understand why you OW have so little respect for yourself and other women. If a man is married, he's married. It's not your business if he's happily married or miserable, HE IS MARRIED! You say, it's our husbands fault, that you really didn't want to, but it just happened. Do you seriously believe that? Yes, I agree, a wife should blame her husband first and foremost, but let's not kid ourselves and say that the OW is a victim.

 

Don't you think that having sex with a MM is wife bashing? So, we bash in the aftermath. As kids would say, you started it.

 

 

First & Formost.

MM chased me... SO HE STARTED IT... I just fell into the trap.

Currently i am an ExOW & will never travel that path again... NOT once have i planed the victim... I know the pain self -inflicted.. & i am smart enough to see that...& i have my own dreams & yes, i placed the MM as a part of my dreams.... In relation to respect i can tell you i know what I DONT WHAT... if you feel that the OM has no respect. How about you look at the concept that you chose to stay with a man that refused to see you. I know i didnt force MM to call me every day & see me pratically everyday... HEY he even ask if he should get his W a pressie for the anniversary. Not once did i ask him to leave his W... i wanted him to be happy & i wasnt going to make the choice for him... Please do not generalise OM as homewreakers when at the end of the day... ask yourself WAS THERE A HOME TO BEGIN WITH?

I chossen to live the situation as i wanted to have a life. to be happy....MM Didnt have a choice...

 

Sorry, i sound a bit annoyed its just get your facts right b4 acting... as NOT all situation are the same...

[BenThereDunThat]

I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean it to be funny, but "you started it!" cracked me up.

 

No, we didn't 'start' it. We shouldn't have played with it, sure. But we didn't 'start' it. (for those of us who knew the guy was married.)

 

I, too, am sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for all of our pain.

 

I wish I had the answers, I truly do. But I don't. All I know is, I fell in love (knowingly) with a married man, ended it, and am moving on.

 

I've yet to see any OW here who maliciously set out to hurt anyone. That's why we come here. For support. For help in understanding, getting out of, venting, etc.

[kimmillah]

I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean it to be funny, but "you started it!" cracked me up.

 

No, we didn't 'start' it. We shouldn't have played with it, sure. But we didn't 'start' it. (for those of us who knew the guy was married.)

 

I, too, am sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for all of our pain.

 

I wish I had the answers, I truly do. But I don't. All I know is, I fell in love (knowingly) with a married man, ended it, and am moving on.

 

I've yet to see any OW here who maliciously set out to hurt anyone. That's why we come here. For support. For help in understanding, getting out of, venting, etc.

 

As a BS it is very difficult to understand the plight of the OW. I do however understand that if the MM hid the fact that he had a wife, the OW was deceived, so she didn't know. But for those OW who know full and well what they're getting into, even if you don't know the BS, doesn't basic respect for other people in general kick in? I'm sorry for all the pain as well, but OW's kind of bring it on themselves. What did I do to deserve the pain that the A caused. I am not trying to disrespect anybody and I pray that all those who been involved in an A (BS, MW/MM, OW/OM) learn from these experiences and try not to keep making the same mistakes over and over.

[Guest]

I knew my now husband was married but my heart didn't listen, although my head said stay the F away. your heart is in control and if you fall in love with a married man or woman there really isn't anything you can do but give in or just walk away and for many people that is hard to do. I couldn't walk away and I never would, he's the best thing in my life and it all worked out. The fact is whether you think you can or not, you cannot control who you fall for.

 

My sister's husband fell in love with another woman and she was devastated but she is such an emotionally healthy woman she knows that you cannot help it. She didn't forgive him but that's life and she moved on.

 

Many people do not believe that there is just one person out there for them, they believe there are many, as do I. Life is what it is and everything happens for a reason, or so I believe. Us meeting and falling in love when we did was the best thing for us, it helped him to leave an unhappy marriage and be happy for the first time in years and I finally found my true love.

 

Everyone has their own views but I for one am not about to degrade someone for what someone else sees as a mistake.

[Ariadne]

Hi guest,

 

If a man is married, he's married. It's not your business if he's happily married or miserable, HE IS MARRIED!

 

Oh, I never cared for any of those things.

 

Ariadne

[stillhere]

It does matter if he's happily married or not, because i was not the one who "started it"!!! He approached ME!!!

 

I had a choice in whether or not to get involved, and i chose to get involved.

 

I come here for support and to share some of my story. No one knows my whole story. But i can tell you that if his W had done everything right, he would have never approached me. Yes, he was being selfish, but she didn't try to fill the needs that he discussed with her many times and how he felt.

 

I'm not pointing the finger at her, but i refuse to take all the blame in this triangle. I am fully aware of what i am doing, and so is he. We must deal with any and all consequences if things do go wrong.

 

I understand you are in pain, but there are many BS here who try to get some insight from us, and aren't ruthless b*tches. Bashing will get you nowhere, except maybe into an argument, but that seems like what you are only looking for. You need to grow up and move on with your life. Being bitter forever will only hurt yourself, no one else.

[lover's rock]

Can't help who you fall in love with! Not like we wake up and think, hey I'm going to destroy someones marriage today, who shall be my victim? Stuff happens that you can't control, that's a big part of life.

 

(I put Dayzie's quote but I'm mostly addressing StillHere's post.)

 

And why can't that explanation go for the W as well? It's not like we wake up and think "hey I'm going to make my H's life as miserable as possible". And surely the last thing the BS thinks is that because of the hurt the OP will go out and look for someone else. Why? Because the BS was hurting too. It always takes two. Yes, perhaps the W wasn't fulfilling all the needs of the H...but it's possible that it was reverse as well. What hurts is that the W and H are both hurting...but only one decided to bring a third party in a two party marriage.

 

It's unrealistic to think that everyone's needs are met in marriage all of the time. And if those needs are unmet for years than there is miscommunication going on and a general need for understanding. If there is infidelity, there's lack of committment to see things through. Hense the word "betrayed" before spouse.

 

Many MM will say that they tried their hardest. And perhaps they did do the best they knew how. But many W will also say that they didn't know. And when you live with someone everyday and get in a routine...it's easy to let things slip and it's easy for things to fall to the wayside. Marriage takes alot of work and although it may be some of the W fault, its' the MM's as well...and if you involve yourself in a marriage as an OW you become either the turning point that makes the marriage stronger or the catalyst that magnifies the mistakes in the marriage. What happens when the MM chooses to stay with the W after an affair is that what is unrealistic in the marriage is finally broken down and after counseling and hard work they are able to rebuild a more truthful marriage that involves meeting each other's needs. A lot of times, the W doesn't know there's a problem until she finds out about the affair. Once the hurt subsides, most marriages are able to reconcile and be happy because "now they know".

 

The truth is, as it may be hard to hear it, is that an affair can help a broken marriage more than harm it. It can harm a happy marriage. But it can help a broken one if the W and H allow it to. Having an "escape" allows the MM to deal with his problems at home...soon they are tolerable...and soon it becomes harder for him to choose to leave.

[BUTAFLY]

I am not 'for' the OW per se, but I can understand where they are coming from when they explain they knew the man was married but fell for his sob stories and lies ie, 'my M is over...We're seperating ect..I love you.."

 

I want the BS's to explain (not bash & shout) why OW are your target of anger?

 

I believe if a husband is going to cheat and lie he would do it with anyone, going after all his ow is redundent.

 

The fact is, people are going to find you and your husband attractive. Some my respect your marriage; some my not. Those who do will walk away, those who don't will NOT have regard or feel responsibllity for you. Herein lies the strength of your commitment as H & W. Do you forsake all others like you vowed or do you engage in the ow/om becaue they find you charming and attractive.

 

I say as H & W you are responsible and suppose to hold high regard for eachother. Expecting a stranger to do that may be ideal but silly.

 

Thats just my take on the situation but BS's, please explain so I can understand where your coming from when you target an OW as the source of problem within your relationship? Again I ask to explain not argue and bash.

 

Thank you ladies

[justice]

Right up front I'm a BS. But I came here hurting and bitter and angry and out of all the nice people here the OW board really treated me well and very sound advice was given from them. I know you are in pain and I know the anger is first and foremost, but please look around here a bit before you criticize. There are good OW's and there are bad OW's. Mine was one of the bad ones, most of the ones I talk to here are good ones. I hope you heal soon.

[Buttaflyy]

Hi guest,

 

If a man is married, he's married. It's not your business if he's happily married or miserable, HE IS MARRIED!

 

Oh, I never cared for any of those things.

 

Ariadne

 

This is the biggest part of the problem though don't you think? This is the reason that the OW who feels like this can never play victim. This is the reason that once she's heartbroken, she's got what was coming to her. This is the karmic reaction to this situation. And no matter what, nobody wins, but maybe the H.

[2sunny]

I am a BS... I came here a year ago trying to make sense of my situation. It has helped me to understand all sides of the scenario.

 

I never approached anything I read or responded to with bitterness or hatred. I did however, learn alot by reading with an open mind.

 

I also learned what the true meaning of an emotional affair is. I don't think I thoroughly understood it before. I learned that there are a million reasons why someone may even consider stepping outside of their marriage.

 

There have been many posters who say they are even contemplating an affair, and guess what - it seems that most of the time we - as a group- are able to help the person decide that it is only going to hurt everyone involved. Yes, there are success stories here often enough to feel as though good is being accomplished.

 

This is a place to educate yourself. It is a place for support and knowledge from very bright and caring people - from all walks of life.

 

Keep your mind open and you too will learn a great deal from being here.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

This is the biggest part of the problem though don't you think?

 

Oh, I just thought what it'd be like to have him in bed.

 

This is the reason that the OW who feels like this can never play victim.

 

Oh, I'm no victim. Well, victim of the circumstances maybe.

 

This is the reason that once she's heartbroken, she's got what was coming to her.

 

Oh, who knows why things happen the way they do.

 

This is the karmic reaction to this situation.

 

I was pretty heartbroken myself alright. (?)

 

And no matter what, nobody wins, but maybe the H.

 

Dunno.

 

Ariadne

[Buttaflyy]

Hi,

 

This is the biggest part of the problem though don't you think?

 

Oh, I just thought what it'd be like to have him in bed.

 

This is the reason that the OW who feels like this can never play victim.

 

Oh, I'm no victim. Well, victim of the circumstances maybe.

 

This is the reason that once she's heartbroken, she's got what was coming to her.

 

Oh, who knows why things happen the way they do.

 

This is the karmic reaction to this situation.

 

I was pretty heartbroken myself alright. (?)

 

And no matter what, nobody wins, but maybe the H.

 

Dunno.

 

Ariadne

 

My point made.

[Guest]

 

Thats just my take on the situation but BS's, please explain so I can understand where your coming from when you target an OW as the source of problem within your relationship? Again I ask to explain not argue and bash.

 

Thank you ladies

 

There seems to be many people who don't understand where we are coming from when we are angry at the OW. Yes, I agree that the husband should always be the first to blame. But when an OW who knew that the man is married is hurt in the process, why is she a victim? It's just plain wrong from both sides. As adults, we are responsible for our actions. Some of you say "he came after me". That's the biggest excuse of all. So, you have no choice because he just wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't care how much you love someone.

 

In my opinion (and this is my opinion), if a married man hits on a woman, the appropriate response is, call me when you get a divorce. If two people have true love, yes they should be together, but not until the W has been given her chance to move on and find her own true love. The way you OW do it, the W sits at home while you and her H are out moving on with your life. How is this fair to the W and the rest of the family? When you let an A go on for years, this robs the W of all that time to find her own happiness. The truth is, when most MM are forced to make a choice, they want to stay with the wife, but so much damage is done by the A, that everyone winds up hurt. The difference between the W and the OW is that the OW was aware of what was coming.

 

Don't make assumptions about my situation. My H's affair was so many years ago and we have since been able to work it out. I still hurt for all the BS and when I see OW making excuses for their actions, it infuriates me. So that is where my anger is coming from. This was my first post here in response to what I had read in other posts. It's funny how you think you have moved past the pain and when you see others going through it, you feel their pain. I'm just that way, I do feel the pain of others. Don't worry OW, I will move on and you won't have to deal with an angry BS. I'm sure you just want to shut your eyes to the fact that your actions have caused so much harm.

 

To all the BS, my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it. Remember, if you wife of husband "chased" after an OW or OM, it's not your fault. No matter what is going on in your marriage, an A is never OK. Your spouse had the opportunity to express his or her feelings and choose to have an A instead. Unfortunately for us, there are OW and OM out there that just can't say no.

[lover's rock]

I don't have anything against any of the OW here. I came here in an effort to understand my H's OW. She's an older woman who fell for my H (who is much younger than her...he and I both are) and despite of the plans and moves that my H and I are making (we are working on our marriage by his choice as well since I have told him many times without anger to leave and be with her and he has refused to leave stating he doesn't want a divorce or a separation)...she still doesn't seem to have any type of clue.

 

I have no ill will towards her. I want to talk to her and let her know the other half that she doesn't see...what she possibly couldn't justify.

 

I think though that perhaps she wants to believe him. The one thing I remember that my H told me when I told him that I was angry with the OW: "Don't be angry with her, be angry with me. She's been mislead in this whole situation."

[GuestOW]

But for those OW who know full and well what they're getting into, even if you don't know the BS, doesn't basic respect for other people in general kick in?

 

 

Exactly why am I expected to be held to a higher standard than the MM??

 

Shouldn't the question be to the MM why hasn't basic respect for his W kicked in?? Okay - nevermind basic respect because we aren't talking about a friend or co-worker, but about a person who was supposed to be a life partner. Why hasn't the love, honesty and total respect kicked in?

 

Why expect the OW to treat the W any better than the MM does? I don't know her, she is not my friend or neighbor, not my co-worker or acquaintance. My knowledge of her comes from him.

[BUTAFLY]

The one thing I remember that my H told me when I told him that I was angry with the OW: "Don't be angry with her' date=' be angry with me. She's been mislead in this whole situation."[/quote']

 

Good for him,that is a mature responsible man. Most men point the finger and say she made me do it. resulting in

w vs ow.

[lover's rock]

Good for him,that is a mature responsible man. Most men point the finger and say she made me do it. resulting in

w vs ow.

 

 

Don't be fooled lol. His first words were "she's psycho. I can't get her to leave me alone." I know my husband well enough to not buy into his lies though. I *always* know when he's lying even if he never admits it.

[BUTAFLY]

There seems to be many people who don't understand where we are coming from when we are angry at the OW. Yes, I agree that the husband should always be the first to blame. But when an OW who knew that the man is married is hurt in the process, why is she a victim? .

 

Thank you for sharing your story 'guest'. I think I'm learning a little more about the anger towards OW.

 

So if I understand you correctly,

1. Bs's are angry at OW because they think ow are complaining about their feelings

2. Bs's are angry at ow because OW stole time away from wife while he's out 'moving on' with OW. (not fair)

 

Is that it? correct me if I'm wrong.

[BUTAFLY]

Don't be fooled lol. His first words were "she's psycho. I can't get her to leave me alone." I know my husband well enough to not buy into his lies though. I *always* know when he's lying even if he never admits it.

 

I think thats an honerable think he he said. You don't? Both women are misled during an affair thats how it can last for such a long time.

[Guest]

x

I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean it to be funny, but "you started it!" cracked me up.

 

No, we didn't 'start' it. We shouldn't have played with it, sure. But we didn't 'start' it. (for those of us who knew the guy was married.)

 

 

I'm glad you found it funny. I did mean it to be funny.

 

The only reason I started this post is because I'm so tired of OW trying to make excuses for their behavior and then asking why we are angry with them. Yes, the person that strays from a marriage is the one that broke the vows and is the first to blame. I even said that in my post. For an adult woman to say that she isn't responsible for her own actions is ridiculous. I was just giving the people who ask why we BS are so angry an answer. I guess it's not the answer they wanted to hear. An affair is selfish on both sides and I admit I get very angry when an OW doesn't accept her part in it. We are born with free will and the ability to say no.

 

I read another post that said "if the OW made it clear in the first place that she was not the type of person that has affairs with MM, and stuck to her guns, she wouldn't be the OW". True, he would have found someone else, but then that OW would be responsible for her actions. So, I guess as long as there are women that will sleep with MM, there will be affairs. Why do we do this to each other?

 

If we women had more respect for ourselves and other woman, the MM would have no where to go and they would be forced to deal with their problems at home instead of finding an escape in an OW. Then, if things didn't work out in their marriage they would be single and free to have sex with you all.