Time to Dump a Best Freind?

[Guest]

I've had a freind who I think I would qualify as my closest freind for the last 20+ years. We went to public school and high school together, and stayed freinds through the university days and even now that we work in different cities. We were maids of honour in each others weddings. We've always talked and e-mailed several times a week. I've always confided in her, and in the last year I've been through some marriage problems and confided a lot of very personal details that I had never discussed with anyone, including details of infidelity, and even an abortion years ago.

 

Many of these things are painful for me to discuss, and she was always there to listen, but lately, I feel like she was just using me for gossip. I know she tells her boyfreind everything I tell her, and I get the feeling that she is "fishing" sometimes for dirt to go back and "entertain" him with. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but it seems like when something is going wrong in my life or I'm confiding something extremely personal, she's always calling for more and more details. But when things are quiet and I just invite her out for a coffee, or want some simple girl talk, she seems always too busy for me, doesn't return phone calls, doesn't bother with the freindship very much.

 

On the flipside, once she has all the dirt on a given situation, she doesn't seem interested in discussing it anymore, even if I'm still dealing with it. I guess I'm getting the feeling that I'm just a sideshow to her that provides her with good stories to tell others, but I don't have any real proof and am hesitant to ditch a freindship that's gone on for so long. I'm hurt if she is really using me though. Not sure what to do. Any advice? Thanx in advance - Susan M.

[YellowLioness]

My first thought on this is rather complicated: I definately think it is possible to overburden a friend with your problems. It may not be that she is using you for gossip fodder, but rather that she cares about your life enough to get details from you.

 

It seems to me that if she didn't care at all, she wouldn't bother herself with the details of what is going on.

 

Obviously, you expect her to listen to you, but do you return the favor? Do you ask questions and details about her life? Or, do you spend the whole conversation unloading?

 

It is possible that is why she is avoiding you, at least from what I was able to gain from your post. It may be that she doesn't want to spend any more time discussing the difficulty you are going through, and is afraid that if she saw you in person all of that would be intensified.

 

I realize that you probably think I sound harsh. I am usually much more of a listener then a talker, and I know how frustrating it can be when someone uses you as a sounding board with out considering your feelings in the matter.

 

On the flip side, you are having a really tough time, and need someone to lean on.

 

Do you have other people you talk to about this situation? If you don't, it may be best to start branching out and not unload on one person exclusively.

 

As for your question of whether you should "dujmp" this friend, I would have to say, "no." In all likelyhood, your pain is making you ultrasensitive. When selfesteem is low, it is very easy to think the worst of everyone.

 

Good luck!

[anna13]

i had a friend for 20 years , i was always there for her through alot of things she went through over the years. I never leaned on her for anything she always gave herself the title of my best friend. so i always thought that when the day comes and i needed someone to lean on she would be the first one i call and the one i would trust . well ... the day did come and when i called upon her , from day one she couldnt stay to comfort me cause she had to get her paycheck so she could go out the next night , then telling her sister ( who is a friend of mine ) that i dont need any pity and not to help me out , and I found out that she was just gossiping and almost seem to thrive at my misery . I was in shock , hurt , but she didnt care. when i did talk to her ( what? but once) she said oh well your screwed .. and had nothing else to say . no hugs , no it will be alright ect. everything i ever did for her it was unappreciated and apparently un-remembered. it was almost like she kicked the dirt in my face when i was down . things got better for me of course but I did not feel the same about her . I ended the friendship because there wasnt one obviously . she went on full attack of me after I told her that we werent going to be friends anymore. I heard from her sis , telling everyone she could about how i was this or that .. so basically I learned the hard way you have to follow your instincs, because i had a feeling she was a very shallow person but i never wanted to believe it , till i experienced what i did with her. So I would say follow your instincs. people change , I think i held on to the fact that we were friends so long that i looked past alot of things I wouldnt usually accept from a friend . I can tell you i have friends now that have treated me with kindness , warmth and strength and we support each other . that is true friendship. that I have only known for a few years or less. It isnt how long you know a person that is for sure. so follow your heart.

[amaysngrace]

I can totally relate to what you're going through. I have a friend who sounds very similar to yours, although she's only been in my life for a year.

 

I met her after I left my husband, and earned her immediate admiration for my life status upon meeting her as a result. But, since this past year has been a transitional year for me (I was divorced last December) I have had my share of ups and downs, emotionally and financially.

 

She seems to have an open ear only when things are rocky in my life. She has even offered advice. But heaven forbid if I don't take it. I learned this the hard way. For some reason, I feel as though she has become my self-appointed mother hen.

 

Trust your intuition. If you are left with a queasy feeling upon dealing with her, it is probably because you sense her insincerity. As is the case with this "friend" of mine.

 

Perhaps you should distance yourself from her, and see if it isn't easier than you had thought it'd be. That will give you your answer right there, actually. Just like it did for me.

 

I feel bad for what you're going through. My friend has only been around for a year, not a lifetime. I wish you much happiness. XO

[motherlode]

I understand exactly how you feel and had a friend of 30 years do exactly the same thing to me. In my case, she would entertain her husband with my personal details. I realized I had choosen a friend who was exactly the way my Mother and sisters were toward me. Jealous and back-stabbing and unloyal. It hurts like hell but has made me strong in lots of very good ways. Once I recognized the situation with my ex-best friend, I did dump her as a friend realizing that I had signs all along about her lack of loyalty, I just chose to ignore it. You dont necessarily have to get rid of your friend as I did with mine, but I think you should not give her any more information to pass on as coffee table conversation anymore. Sad you have to edit info with someone you once trusted I know, and I dont think you are paranoid, your intuition is probably bang on... just dont allow the situation to occur any longer now you have recognized it for what it is. Good Luck!!

[bluechocolate]

You may not have to dump her as a friend, just redefine the parameters of your friendship. We all have different friends who fulfill different things for us. Don't go to her with your troubles any more. If she asks, just say everything is fine. If she doesn't maintain contact, oh well. The friendship slides away, no great loss.

 

I think a lot of folks feel that they have to hang onto people just because they've known them for a long time. Not true. People change over the years & some friendships just die a natural death.

[Guest]

Thanks everyone for all your great advice and for sharing your stories. YellowLioness made me think about whether I have indeed overburdened my freind in the last while with all the ups and downs, possibly to the point of being too needy or not being considerate enough of her feelings. And its true that due to the sensitive nature of some of the details, I haven't really discussed them with anyone else, so I guess she did indeed bear the brunt of it all.

 

Of course I still have that nagging feeling that she is using my troubles as entertainment to a certain extent, so I think I will take the advice of all and just back off for a bit and stop talking to her about what's going on. If she's overburdened by it, that should resolve it, and if she's truly a good freind she won't disappear just because I'm not providing her with good gossip anymore. I guess time will tell. Thanks again for all your thoughts - SM

[hopeto]

if she is your best friend for 20+ years as you say you have bound to be able to tell her how you feel. I have a best friend for 20+ years as well and dont think for one second I would not tell her how AI feel or what I am feeling. she is my best friend, I tell her everything even down to sex and all sorts of stuff. she has a son I have a daughter we dont really do much at all together cause she is busy with her child and working and I am the same. we do talk all the time and if she needs me at the drop of a hat I would be there no questions asked!!!!!!!!!!! take in consideration when you and your relationship was very strong and no problems, you and you bf talked about everything right.

 

I am sure she is not just calling you to get details on what is happening next. I bet it is concern for you and making sure you are copeing. like for exzample when my friend went through a bitter break she would say he called and blah,blah,blah he did this and he done that then we would have to go because of the kids. I would call her maybe the next day or the day after and say have you talked to him again and if so what does the dirt between my toes have to say this time. or who did you say he cheated with.

 

not to get gossip going but just to let her vent and to grip cause if not she would get so depressed and I would see it comming. sometimes my husband would ask what happened I would share a little but not all!!!!!! he is my husband and we talk I trust him not to say a word and not only that I do not tell him about the bad stuff just that they were having trouuble and he is not doing her right and really that all he wants to here cause he is not a chatter box nor does he want to know about my best friend and her guy issues!!!!!! besides they dont like each other anyway it is a joke when they are in the same room together cause they argue like sister and brother and I often tell them both when they die I was going to burry them next to each other and me on the way other side to get peace and they can still duke it out!!!! just talk to your friend.

 

I am sure you guys have had a blowout before. me and my best friend are like sisters and I would NEVER CHANGE HER OR QUIT BEING HER FRIEND because I think she is telling her boyfriend. if you suspect it then call her on it!! you dont have to be ugly but to the point exzample are you telling my bussness to your boyfriend??? wait for the response and say I am sure you care enough about me not to tell what I am tell you and that I am special enough to you to keep it to yourself. I think you may be going through a emotional time right and I think you really need to be careful cause it may lead to where you have pushed everyone out and then you are isolated from family and friends. this is a form of depression and really can get out of hand if you are not careful. so re-consider your friend cause if you have been this far and stayed this close then you truly mean something to her and her to you and I think it is all workable and you should be able to talk it out.

[Guest]

I think you may be going through a emotional time right and I think you really need to be careful cause it may lead to where you have pushed everyone out and then you are isolated from family and friends.

 

Agreed, that is why I'm afraid I'm being a bit paranoid. And she has been supportive in many ways which I can't fault her for - she's invited me out during some of the most tumultuous times, and we even went away together at her suggestion for a girls weekend away to unwind a bit. But my husband has a different opinion of her. They've never really gotten along with each other either (just like you Hopeto!) and he feels she is just a "gossip monger" who gets a kick out of other people's misery. To an extent he is right - she is very gossipy, and she went through a difficult time a while ago to the point where her self-esteem took a bit of a hit and I think it was difficult for her to be really happy for other people's successes for a while. But as her freind, I understood and made exceptions for her attitude during that time. My husband either doesn't understand or doesn't really believe that, and he thinks I have always just made excuses for her behaviour.

 

To clarify the more recent events that have brought the question of her motivations more to the forefront - my husband has recently accused her of trying to (subtlely) undermine our marriage. He and I are trying to work through our problems, and its been a bit of a bumpy road so far and doesn't take much to throw things off course. During the weekend that she and I were away together, I met another guy and crossed the line a bit (nothing too serious, but nothing you'd want your wife to be doing while away for the weekend). There was a lot of alcohol involved, and my freind was quite encouraging the whole night of me getting together with someone else, even though she obviously knew it would only add fuel to the fire at home. Of course its not her fault, and it was certainly my decision, but my husband feels the whole weekend was intentionally crafted by her to create a situation where I would be out drinking in a club such that the stage would be set for something like that to happen (to "stir the pot" so he says). He says that since she knew how tenuous our marriage was at that time, her actions in planning the night out with the two of us alone in a club was analagous to taking an alcoholic to a bar and then sitting back and watching the inevitable evolve. She on the other hand claims she had no such intention, was just trying to encourage a little stress relief and spent her evening actually watching out for me (which she did do to an extent). I suspect she did really want to see me with someone else, but I would perhaps feel the same way about her if her husband had the same history that mine does.

 

I know this post makes them both look awful, but really they are both good people. Sometimes I just get the feeling that they are each trying to manipulate me away from the other one (which maybe I would do to if I was in either of their shoes too!). I just hate having to think so much about what my freind does, what's behind her actions and why it may or may not be justifiable.