lady Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 How can you make your H to understand you need a little TLC? To take things slower in the bedroom. I have tried taking control, sexy nighties, massages, candles, soft music, everything I can think of and it still has done no good. I have talked to him and told him what I want and need, it changes for a short time but always goes back to the same old thing. A while back I was on meds that really destroyed my desire for sex, I just did not want it. But I never denied him if he did. And we got into the habit of getting it over with so to speak. Well now we just can't seem to get past that. It is me that wants it all the time but I also want the quality to go with the quanity. I want to feel like he desires me and not just a quick release. I know he has a lot of demands that takes up his time and energy, but I am only asking for just a little of that time and energy to be used on me. If I could get him to give me more loving now and then, then the quickies would be some much easier to live with in between.
JadeStar Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Tell him you appreciate his effort in trying but that consistency is the key. He can't just do something once or twice and expect it to work. He has to keep working at what it is you both want/need. Do you think he even relaizes he is doing it? Maybe he doesn't realize he does it once or twice then falls back into an old habit? Or do you feel he is aware of it, but just doesn't want to put forth the extra effort to work on things consistently? Jade
amaysngrace Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Hmm...are you sure he isn't pleasing you on purpose? I know that's a really harsh question and if there's absolutely no truth to it whatsoever please disregard it as being foolish babble from a halfwit, kay? But see...my exH did the EXACT same thing to me. He was a narcissist. Look it up if you'd like. Rule it out if you'd like. It just rang a bell with me. Of course I could be way off base and I certainly hope I am.
Author lady Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 he knows he is doing it. But he has the idea that we both have an orgasm so we both should be satisfied. Well I can get as much satisfaction from masturbating and not have the mess afterwards. Just because you have and orgasm does not mean you are satisfied, in my case it can leave you feeling more frustrated. I need the connection, the feeling that he wants me not just to get his rocks off. It has gotten to the point that I find myself struggling to climax. A lot of times I go to sleep with the thought it just isn't worth it.
amaysngrace Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Maybe this was my exH's thinking as well...who knows? We really didn't have open communication, which was a problem we both shared. Maybe just stress to him how important the foreplay is to you. I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but possibly plan a romantic night for just you two. Find a sitter, quiet music, bottle of wine...you know. Is he romantic at all? Maybe remind him again how important it is to you to feel the love connection you haven't felt in quite a while.
Author lady Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 Is he romantic? He would not know romance if it hit him in the head. His idea of a romantic night is, a movie if I am lucky, sometimes a meal I didn't cook, and going to bed early. Very seldom do we go out that the kids are not with us. If we do it is not anything special. No romance is NOT in his play book. As to foreplay it has been so long that I don't know that even I know what that is. His idea of foreplay is to go directly to my clit with his hand. Sometimes when I am lucky he will do oral sex but again it is to attack my clit. Very little touching anywhere but my breast and my clit and almost never kissing. When we first started dating we would spend literally hours touching and kissing eachother. We were very open with eachother and there was almost nothing we didn't try. I want that back so badly. I love my husband and he turns me on something fierce just to watch him. But what good does it do to be turned on if it never goes any farther?
JadeStar Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think one of the main questions here is, (and I to have delt with this in my marriage at one point) and that is, how much of it is that hes just gotten in a rut or comfortable to the point where he doesn't want to try anything further for that reason alone, or is it that he simply doesn't want to try period, because he no longer cares, etc. I was first going to say maybe he wasn't shown or had the best role models growing up as far as showing romance but you stated he used to be like that so thats probably not the case. So its obvious he knows how to do these things, its just a question of WHY he wont anymore. I think at this point he has no idea how open and vulnerable you are right now, and he needs to be made aware of that. Would he go to couples counseling? How about sending him some info on the effect the lack of intimacy can have on a marriage. JMO. Jade
Author lady Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 He knows how to do the things I am missing, as to why he doesn't now I don't know. He use to touch me all the time, not anything sexual just a touch. He knew how to start a slow burn and keep it going for hours. He could not be in the same room without touching me in some way. Maybe it would not be so hard for me to handle if it had not been any other way. But it was there before and I miss it so very much. When I was on the meds he knew it had become a chore for me one that I would rather not have to do. He didn't push but he also knew I would never say no. He got in the habit of just doing what felt good to him to get it done. Not meaning he totally forgot about how I felt, during that time we only had sex about once a month. But it worked for him and it still works for him. For the most part anyway. I think a lot of is that fact that I have gone from a woman that could have lived without it to a woman that wants it all the time. And he has not figured out how to keep up or catch up with me. As far as counseling it is not something he would do, he would not have a problem with me going but I don't see him going.
Tulie Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 You said you have tried everything. What I think is maybe you really need to try a bit harder. Men are terrible at subtle hints or even really obvious hints. If you try lingerie or candles or massages is it a thing you stick with or do you give up after an attempt or 2? What is happening to you is really common especially these days where both partners always work. You get up, do your thing, go to work, come home, cook, maybe go to class, try and spend time with the kids, maybe relax with a movie or computer time etc..then next thing you know it's 11 oclock and you fall into bed only to repeat the exact same thing tomorrow. Somehow with married couple importance falls to everything but each other. That really is just wrong. Who cares about the house payments if you are just going to sell it to split it for divorce? Really we go over the top for our children..but isnt the most important part of having them is to raise them together in a nuturing and loving enviorment? Isnt that why you had them in the first place? Yet the first thing that falls away in any relationship is the very basics that brought us together in the first place. Touching, kissing, conversation, alone time. Face it on your wedding day you didnt think gee I just can't wait to go to work, make meals, ignore each other and go to sleep with a 10 minute quickie in there somewhere and maybe 30 minutes on the weekend. If he isnt touching you, or kissing you..you need to start touching and kissing him. a lot. All the time and don't stop. If it is important to you don't give up. He isnt just going to stand there and not do it back...or if he does he wont for long. DO take time to go out without the kids. Find a babysitter and date your husband. If he doesnt know what romance is, reteachhim. Try to avoid movies, go out for dinners, or lunches, or walks, or a picnic or a hike. If the kids fuss..too bad. What you are doing is working towards a better relationship which can only benefit them in the end. If we can't get out we have baths for 2 at home, put the kids to bed light some candles and chat and touch and snuggle in there. Romantic dinners? Sometimes we eat very light at dinner and I fix us up a bed picnic for later, crackers, meat, antipasto, some fruit maybe a bit of wine. Dig in, use your imagination. Let him know of all things it's him you crave. When he goes for the hot spots grab his hand, put it on your hip, touch him, kiss him..be forceful. Sit on his bloody chest or back and slow it down yourself. Make him remember. Not once, not twice...all the time. No time? Make time I would bet you have time to watch the stupid television. A bit extreme but tv is literally banned in my house for this reason. We were staying up watching the stupid thing til midnight and not leaving any time for us and it was killing us. We have not watched one comedy, drama, or anything like survivor in 4 years now and I cannot tell you the difference it has made. Our television is strictly for the kids and movies..thats it and even movies are strictly weekends. You really love E.R. or Sopranos so much? By it on dvd or download it and watch it together on weeknds. It's your life, it's your marriage, it's your sex life, if you don't make it what you want and what you need, nobody can do it for you. Take control and don't give up.
Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 He knows how to do the things I am missing, as to why he doesn't now I don't know. He use to touch me all the time, not anything sexual just a touch. He knew how to start a slow burn and keep it going for hours. He could not be in the same room without touching me in some way. Maybe it would not be so hard for me to handle if it had not been any other way. But it was there before and I miss it so very much. When I was on the meds he knew it had become a chore for me one that I would rather not have to do. He didn't push but he also knew I would never say no. He got in the habit of just doing what felt good to him to get it done. Not meaning he totally forgot about how I felt, during that time we only had sex about once a month. But it worked for him and it still works for him. For the most part anyway. I think a lot of is that fact that I have gone from a woman that could have lived without it to a woman that wants it all the time. And he has not figured out how to keep up or catch up with me. As far as counseling it is not something he would do, he would not have a problem with me going but I don't see him going. Not to be a jerk, but do you hear yourself? "I" didn't want it back then, so we didn't do it often. It was a chore so "I" made it quickies once a month. Now, "I" want it more. "I" am ready for things to change and he's just not playing along! Now, "I" am dissatisfied. You've given him a roller coaster ride for a sex life and maybe he isn't in for all the ups and downs. Women can want to control the intimacy to the point where some men get disgusted with the whole thing and desire plummets. We're not all sexual vending machines whose desire is always available when the urge strikes and content to sit quietly in the corner when you don't feel like a snack for months or years at a time. I know it's related to medication and not entirely your fault, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have it's consequences anyway. The long lack of intimacy has caused damage. Damage that can't be so easily fixed as by saying, "OK, I'm ready now. I want it again! Come on honey! Honey?". You want change, so you may be the one who has to do the work and be the initiator for a while. You may have to set up the romantic dates and state explicitly how you want the bedroom manner to proceed. You may even have to take the lead and make it the way you want it. The intimacy outside the bedroom will follow along after you get him going again, but you're probably going to have to haul some logs and stoke the fire if you want more heat.
JackJack Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 After you have tried everything you know to do, if he is not getting the hint and wanting to iniate and do some of the things he once did then its time to look at the bigger picture and way your options on the matter. One has to wonder, after a period of time and trying, if their spouse is just not into the marraige anymore. Its good you try but he has to meet you half way. Its a partnership, not one sided, and you can not do all the work while he sits and does nothing. Hopefully he will come around.
Author lady Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 ok for "guest" let me reword a couple things. Sorry I did not mean we only had sex once a month. What I meant to say is that would have been enough for me. And no you do not know the whole of the story about the meds, so yes you came off as being a jerk. During that time he did not do without, he was still taken care of in anyway he wanted it. Just because I didn't want sex does not mean I did not still love him and want him to be happy. The main reason I did not want it is because the meds prevented me from being able to climax. So it became very frustrating for the both of us. Now to respond JackJack, thank you for your reply. Right now due to his job things are very stressful for him, he is on a short time line to get a big project done. And because of that I have tried to be patient until it is done, but damn it has been hard. As it is I am the one that usually initiate or we both just roll over and go to sleep. I am more than willing to do my part to get back the closeness that I know we both miss.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 .. I need the connection, the feeling that he wants me not just to get his rocks off. ... Well talk more about that to him. My wife and I went down a similar path. She felt I was just interested in sex to "get my rocks off". She didn't understand I also wanted to get her off and that the sex was my way of expressing love and bonding emotionally with her. I really did want her and more importantly wanted her to enjoy sex as much or more than I got out of it. I mean your husband wants to have sex with you, not his hand. Doesn't that say he wants you? But it was there before and I miss it so very much. Don't tell us. Tell him. Go out without the kids for a weekend to talk and make love like you used to. The kids will live through it. Rent a cabin or something. We have not watched one comedy, drama, or anything like survivor in 4 years now and I cannot tell you the difference it has madeNot even Desperate Housewives? Now that is cruel and unusual punishment. The main reason I did not want it is because the meds prevented me from being able to climax. So it became very frustrating for the both of us. Oh, man. That would be terrible for me. If I couldn't give my wife an orgasm. If we had sex but she didn't climax. I'd feel terrible. I'd feel like I was just using her. Well, ok there are times when I'd like to have sex like that but only when we were both playing the game that way, not because she wasn't into it. ... frustrating isn't the word. Demoralizing. Ego deflating. Right now due to his job things are very stressful for him, he is on a short time line to get a big project done.Yeah, well stress doesn't really help and adding to it ... hmmm... he does need a weekend off doesn't he.
amaysngrace Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I also think his stress is playing a huge factor in all of this. Perhaps your timing is way off to make a request for more intimacy right now. I would mention it to him that you can't wait for this project to be finished, so that you and he could have some one-on-one time again. That way you'll plant the seed and he'll recognize that you understand that he's under a lot of stress right now. He'll also get that you have expectations for the future.
JadeStar Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Is there anything else you notice about him that has changed other than him not intiating it and not being more emotionaly intimate? I understand him being stressed right now too, but other than that, is there anything else going on with him that you see? Jade
Sup Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 How can you make your H to understand you need a little TLC? To take things slower in the bedroom. I have tried taking control, sexy nighties, massages, candles, soft music, everything I can think of and it still has done no good. I have talked to him and told him what I want and need, it changes for a short time but always goes back to the same old thing. A while back I was on meds that really destroyed my desire for sex, I just did not want it. But I never denied him if he did. And we got into the habit of getting it over with so to speak. Well now we just can't seem to get past that. It is me that wants it all the time but I also want the quality to go with the quanity. I want to feel like he desires me and not just a quick release. I know he has a lot of demands that takes up his time and energy, but I am only asking for just a little of that time and energy to be used on me. If I could get him to give me more loving now and then, then the quickies would be some much easier to live with in between. I'm NOT trying to sound gross or anything...... But, it sounds like your husband is mostly, or always on top of you. Why not switch up and you get on top of your husband and ride him real good and slow. Make sure you make a point of this to your husband. If this don't help I suggest Marriage Counseling.
Author lady Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 Jade, if your trying to politely ask if he is having an affair the answer is 100% no. Believe me I know the signs of that, been there before will not do it again. Besides right now he does not have the time to be with another woman. No I am not being naive I just know my H. So yes a lot of this is us trying to repair the damage that was done by his affair. I know he still desires me and wants me. I just want him to take more time in showing it. I have talked to him many many times about how I feel and what I want, like I said it will change for short periods and then right back to the same thing. I know counseling would help but I really do not see him going. Like I said earlier he does not see a problem. Or maybe I should say he does not act like there is a problem. I have tried everything I know to do to make things closer between us. It is just really starting to stress me out, and I do not want that. it will just make things worse. And thank you to everyone for talking to me.
JadeStar Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Jade, if your trying to politely ask if he is having an affair the answer is 100% no. Believe me I know the signs of that, been there before will not do it again. Besides right now he does not have the time to be with another woman. No I am not being naive I just know my H. So yes a lot of this is us trying to repair the damage that was done by his affair. I know he still desires me and wants me. I just want him to take more time in showing it. I have talked to him many many times about how I feel and what I want, like I said it will change for short periods and then right back to the same thing. I know counseling would help but I really do not see him going. Like I said earlier he does not see a problem. Or maybe I should say he does not act like there is a problem. I have tried everything I know to do to make things closer between us. It is just really starting to stress me out, and I do not want that. it will just make things worse. And thank you to everyone for talking to me. Yep I was politely asking if you saw signs of that. Just trying to look at the whole picture here and rule out possibilities of anything that might be causing him to act that way. I'm glad this doesn't seem to be the case though. If YOU feel you have done everything you can, and he is not willing to go to counseling or to change for himself, you and the marraige as a whole, then you do have choices. You either stay in a situation in hopes things will change. And even then one has to wonder how long they hold out hope before realizing that things just might not change. I do think think things can change, but the want has to be there. I hope all works out for you. Jade
bab Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 My forthcoming advice is a way over simplification but it worked for me. My husband wasn't doing well responding to specific requests. He'd do them, but it just wouldn't feel right, probably because I knew that he was only doing them because I said "do this" which took all the fun out of it. So, I put in a new request. I said, pamper me sexually. That was all the instruction I gave him. It turned him on that I wanted to be pampered, and he sitll got to use his imagination. It was the best sex we've had in 6 years.
Sup Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 he cheated Oh, ok. I hope you realize I wasn't trying to be gross from a previous post, just to help you.
Author lady Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 yes I know. and I didn't find your reply gross. most of the time he is on top BUT not always. But also for me being on top is more pain than pleasure. We do try other positions that are more comfortable for me so I can be in control. I guess right now I mostly just needed someone to talk to. He is up very late most nights on the computer for work. I do come and sit with him after I get the kids and house settled. But it is usually so late by the time he comes to bed we are both wore out. Not a good recipe for making love. So for the time being, until Jan 1st when his project is done, I am trying to be content with what time we do have for each other. On the rare nights that he is in bed before midnight I do take control and make sure he is very satisfied. But I want it to be his hand, lips and body all over my body. I want both of us touching each other. I want it to be both of us pleasing each other. I want it to be making love not jut f***ing. I want to be able to wake up the next morning and still have a smile on my face. Not wake up and hope he will hear me this time.
Sup Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 yes I know. and I didn't find your reply gross. most of the time he is on top BUT not always. But also for me being on top is more pain than pleasure. We do try other positions that are more comfortable for me so I can be in control. I guess right now I mostly just needed someone to talk to. He is up very late most nights on the computer for work. I do come and sit with him after I get the kids and house settled. But it is usually so late by the time he comes to bed we are both wore out. Not a good recipe for making love. So for the time being, until Jan 1st when his project is done, I am trying to be content with what time we do have for each other. On the rare nights that he is in bed before midnight I do take control and make sure he is very satisfied. But I want it to be his hand, lips and body all over my body. I want both of us touching each other. I want it to be both of us pleasing each other. I want it to be making love not jut f***ing. I want to be able to wake up the next morning and still have a smile on my face. Not wake up and hope he will hear me this time. I kinda wanna ask why it's more painful, but, I know that's not my business, however, I would ask your lady Doctor, (I can't think of the type right now for some reason.....) to find out the problem, to resolve it, then try again on that position mentioned earlier. Why do I say this? Well from what's been said, it's more intimid, and he can do things to help you in the area/s that you mentioned above. I'm sure if you tell the Doc what you told us, about the pain, the Doc would have more suggestions, They may have training on give more of that sort of advice. Hope that helps, please keep us informed.
Author lady Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 what I meant about it being painful is due to his size. We have to be careful in most positions but me being on top does not always work. And as far as I know from talking to my gyno is there is nothing that will change that. We have been together 20yrs so it is not that he doesn't know how to please me it is he doesn't take the time that I crave. In other words he has become either a selfish lover or a lazy lover. But what I want to know is how to change his attitude. Short of tying his a** down and taking what I want. LOL And believe me the thought has crossed my mind. OMG if the frustration I've been feeling is any indication of what teenage boys feel then I am so sorry I was such a tease in high school.
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