Kathleen2260 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Last year my bf wanted to reconnect with his married ex. While he was still with me! He didn't do anything physical but he told her how he felt about her hoping she would leave her H but she rejected him and started having an affair with my bf's close friend. We have been trying to work things out and one of my requests was that he have NO contact with her (they used to be friends). He agreed and has told me he has no desire to talk to her and that if she tries to contact her he will ignore her. So far in almost a year the only contact she has had is she sent us a Christmas card which I threw away and she passed him in her vehicle once and waved at him which he ignored. I"ve always wondered if he'd keep his word about not talking to her because my bf is a very nice guy (aside from him betraying me). He hates being rude to people and is a very friendly person. So in the back of my mind I figured if he ran into the married ex he would say hello and such just so he wasn't rude to her which would really upset me. Well this weekend we were with some friends at dinner and I left briefly to go to the restroom and guess who showed up. His married ex. She saw my bf and went over to his table, came up behind him (I wasnt there) and playfully nudged him in the back. (our friends who we were with had no idea who she was and I've never told them the story about her and him. My bf said he thought that someone had just bumped into him on accident and turned around and saw her. He (and our friends confirm this) didn't say a word to her and instead ignored her and started talking to our freinds like his married ex wasn't even there. She didn't like this so she said hi to him and asked him how he'd been and he still ignored her. so she wrapped his arms around his shoulders and leaned down and tried to whisper something in his ear and he shook her off and moved away. She stepped back nad said "fine dont' say hi to me" and turned around and left. By the time I came back she was gone but my bf told me about what happened. I got very angry (not at him but just hearing about his married ex (OW I guess you could call her) just upsets me. I was very happy that he had been rude to her and ignored her. Our friends told me that "some deranged woman" had been trying to talk to my bf (and they dont' know the story so we finally explained it to them). I am proud of him for not talkign to her!! HE kept his word to me and that felt good. It bugged me though that she thinks she can come up and flirt with my bf (friends say she was acting flirty with him). Why doesn't she get the hint? He has NOt talked to her in over a year, and she hasn't tried to contact him in at least 7 months. I am torn because I want him to contact her and tell her to her face that he is no longer her friend and wants nothing to do wtih her and not to bother trying to talk to him if she sees him. I am glad that she came to the table and was ignored when I wasn't even there because if I were there she would probably think he wasn't talking to her just beacuse I was sitting there! do you think him telling her straight that he has banned her from his life is a good idea? I have evidence of her cheating on her husband (names of people she slept with) and also she never told her H that she and my bf used to date (so she's been lying to her H for all the years my bf and she were friends) If I went to her H with just this info he would make sure she never speaks to my bf again but I don't want to intrude. I think it should be up to my bf to rid her from our lives. Do you think he is on the right path with just ignoring her and hoping she gets the hint or should I ask him to tell her that basically she's no longer someone he cares to associate with and tell her if she doesn't leave us alone he will go to her husband?
Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I don't think you should tell her husband unless she starts stalking him or something. Just sounds like she wanted to say hello. I don't think your SO should have a conversation with her about not talking to her. I think he should just leave it at no contact and thats it.
Trimmer Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 [blunt] I am torn because I want him to contact her... Read that again, and again, and then once more. Do you really want that? Are you crazy? ...do you think him telling her straight that he has banned her from his life is a good idea? No, I think it is a very bad idea. I think his best message to her was not speaking. What words could he possibly say that would communicate any more effectively that she is no longer in his life? Look, assuming your boyfriend stays on the straight and narrow, why do you care about her? By letting her behavior affect you, you are giving her an incredible amount of power over you. Your boyfriend passed the test! In the most difficult of circumstance - with her right there behind him, in a social setting with other people watching, with him being "the friendly type" who doesn't like to be rude to people, he stuck to his guns and stood up for his relationship with you. Do you realize how lucky you are? I have evidence of her cheating on her husband (names of people she slept with) and also she never told her H that she and my bf used to date (so she's been lying to her H for all the years my bf and she were friends) If I went to her H with just this info he would make sure she never speaks to my bf again... It seems like you have a real control thing here - should my boyfriend control her; if I tell her husband, then he will "make sure"... Ultimately, no one can "make her." If she "gets it" then she gets it. And your boyfriend ignoring her is probably the very best message of all. If she didn't get that, then nothing he could say in person will make it any better, and it might just make it worse, by virtue of him making the effort to contact her. She might well interpret that behavior as an opening, irrespective of his words. I think it should be up to my bf to rid her from our lives. Careful here - it is up to him to rid her from being a factor within your relationship, and to have no contact with her. And he has done that. It is NOT up to him (nor is it possible) to control her behavior, and you shouldn't expect him to jump through that kind of hoop. Interestingly, it seems like he has moved on in a healthy way, but your thoughts continue to be plagued by this woman. On one hand I understand some degree of that, but I would think you would be rejoicing over the fact that he stood his ground, more than you would be agonizing over an incidental social contact once in 7 months where she tried to speak with him, and where he came through with flying colors. Do you think he is on the right path with just ignoring her and hoping she gets the hint or should I ask him to tell her that basically she's no longer someone he cares to associate with and tell her if she doesn't leave us alone he will go to her husband? I think your boyfriend did the right thing, and I think you are overreacting. Honestly, I think that one incidental contact in 7 months is not a pattern of some kind of rude behavior on her part - she happened to bump into the two of you in a restaurant - it's not like she was calling him at home or hiding in the bushes outside his office building. Look, you can't erase her from the face of the earth; it doesn't sound like she is stalking you, and you will probably run into her again at some point. Your boyfriend has proven that he can handle that possibility gracefully and move on. Can you? [/blunt]
Lovecrazzed2 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I think the previous poster hit the nail on the head with that response. I didn't get the feeling that you felt this woman is stalking your man but you seemed concerned with her trying to contact him. I agree that no contact on his part is the best bet. She will eventually get the hint.
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