High-achievers and relationships

October 10, 2006

I've known this guy for about 1 month, he's a wonderful guy and we get along fantastic. During the first two weeks (before we actually went out on a date) he would call me often and we'd chat for ages. He came late at night and drove about an hour just to come and see me on my birthday, just to give you an idea of this beautiful person.

After about two weeks of talking on the phone etc we went out on a date. It was the best date I'd ever been on and I'm sure he also had a great time.

But...it's now been 1.5 weeks and I've barely heard from him. He's only made a few quick phone calls and apologised that work is unbelievably busy. He has a high position as a project manager in a multinational company and work has hit him really hard since the date. He says he doesn't know when it will subside yet but says he'll call me when he can. I've sent a few smses a few days ago but he hasn't replied so tonight I called him seeking some answers. He tells me in all honesty his job has got him working all hours and even on weekends, it has been really crucial he deals with it.

I guess this is a bit hard for me to understand because I have a normal 9-5 job and I find myself panicking that he's lost interest. Then I worry I've bugged him too much.

To make matters worse, I have a very important exam and this stress has made it nearly impossible for me to study. I just get depressed and can't concentrate, then I sms him and get no reply which makes me even more depressed.

So I'm looking for some advice as to how I should handle this, perhaps there are some of you also with career-powered partners. He seems very genuine, I've had that impression from day one but I just feel like I've blown it now. I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance

October 10, 2006

You have got to get a grip. If he's busy, he's busy. I've been too busy to do things I really wanted to do more. It stinks having responsibilities sometimes but that's what they are - responsibilities - and they can't be ditched just for the heck of it. So you need to understand that just because you have a job that doesn't have those sorts of responsibilities does not mean that other people are just like you.

Secondly, if it turns out that he's decided not to pursue the relationship, worrying yourself to death and ruining your marks won't help anything. All it means is that you're not suited and it's better to figure it out early on than by trying to make a relationship work that just won't.

October 10, 2006

I am myself very career-minded and I can tell you that, like him, I do have weeks when I disappear off the face of the earth.

But no matter what his reason is for not getting back to you, if I were you I would focus on calming my thoughts down and on seeing things for what they are : you have been on a great date with a wonderful guy, he has called to apologise about his work load and, if he is worth your while, he will call once he has more time.

In the meantime, and about that exam, I would keep a steady schedule of favorite hobbies (to take your mind off him) balanced with studying (I find it is better, in times like the one you describe, to study for brief focused periods of time, then for long tortured ones). I also find breathing exercises help me out a lot when I have to study.

best

October 10, 2006

I agree with what Kamille said, and I want to give you another perspective.

I was married to a workaholic. While I understood his career demands, I have to tell you that it ruined our marriage. We spent so little time together. I always felt like the last priority. I ended up building a life away from him. I really wish I hadn't been SO understanding.

What I learned was that a crazy schedule for a few weeks is okay, but if it's a pattern, then watch out. And even if he is busy for a few weeks, during that time he still needs to give you attention.

I mean, how long does it take for him to send you a text message? Or give you a one minute phone call during which he is loving and sweet, instead of distracted and "busy." Not too much effort.

Even if you can't spend a lot of time together right now, little things can make a huge difference. One 20 minute call a night. A quick good morning call. A mid afternoon text....And a date a week, no phone calls.

I think you both have different kinds of schedules. If you were as busy as he is, then you probably wouldn't mind so much because you wouldn't have much time to devote to a relationship.

But, you do have the time to devote. The question is does he have enough time to devote to a relationship? I sure wouldn't be giving a guy a relationship if he didn't bring enough to the table.

Gee, I don't really have time to have sex with you. Work is sooooo crazy!!

You know, a guy will make time for a woman, no matter how busy he is. Heck, he'd make time for a work crisis, right?

Anyway, just watch how much you compromise. Busy people will let the things/people slide that they can get away with doing that to.

Be understanding, but have a few boundaries about how much time you need from him to have a relationship with him. And don't give more than he can. Keep it equal.

Good luck!

October 10, 2006

If a guy wants to see you, talk to you, be with you, he will do it. The only thing that will stop him is if you tell him to leave you alone. There is always time to call, to email, to do SOMETHING. It's all about priorities. It really sounds like he's just not that into you. No reason to cut him off or be unfriendly, but I would move on if I were you.

October 10, 2006

I am myself very career-minded and I can tell you that, like him, I do have weeks when I disappear off the face of the earth.

But no matter what his reason is for not getting back to you, if I were you I would focus on calming my thoughts down and on seeing things for what they are : you have been on a great date with a wonderful guy, he has called to apologise about his work load and, if he is worth your while, he will call once he has more time.

In the meantime, and about that exam, I would keep a steady schedule of favorite hobbies (to take your mind off him) balanced with studying (I find it is better, in times like the one you describe, to study for brief focused periods of time, then for long tortured ones). I also find breathing exercises help me out a lot when I have to study.

best

Thanks Kamille, you do seem to understand his situation perfectly. He described it just like you...basically disappearing off the face of the earth. He has quite a few people he needs to catch up with because of this, plus he's basically living in boxes at the moment because he was supposed to move out into a new place but the deal fell through.

The others who've replied are right as well...I do just have to remain calm and carry on with my own responsibilites no matter how hard it is. I will never forgive myself if I fail just because of him. It would be great to chat or email more about this, but I dnt have PM abilities on this website. Is there a more private way to contact people without posting here? thank you

October 10, 2006

Right now I'm insanely busy with work. The only reason I'm on here right now is because I'm so burnt out that I need a break. I've pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth too. I didn't even realize that I hadn't seen a lot of my friends in about 3 weeks until this last weekend when I went out and everyone asked where I'd been.

This may not be very comforting to you, but I still have time to text and occasionally call the guy I'm interested in. I even have an anxiety problem about communicating with people, so there's tons of people I haven't gotten back to. But I still contact him.

Realistically, how much time does it take to return a text? I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to be with someone who's not even going to give you 2 minutes of their day.

And I agree with everyone who said you need to relax. If this guy isn't interested in you, it's not the end of the world. If he's not contacting you, get on with your life. If he decides to call you later, then you can decide whether you still want to give him a chance.

October 10, 2006

So I'm looking for some advice as to how I should handle this,

I've never met anyone who works 20 hours per day 7 days a week. He's blowing you off....move on sister.

October 11, 2006

Amen to that, Alpha.

And maybe he IS just so consumed with work that he doesn't have any time. But, come on, this is supposed to be your "honeymoon" phase. Just think about how little time he would give you once you two were established and he took you for granted.

Go find a guy who has the time to have a relationship. Don't buy the "I am so busy with work" line. You are selling yourself short if you do.

People take the time to water a plant if they buy one, don't they? And if they don't have the time, then they don't buy a plant. Same with relationships. Relationships die without attention.

Blow this guy off. If he calls, tell him you are soooo busy dating other more available men.

October 11, 2006

obviously everyone here has read 'he's just not that into you'... but hmmm, i have to confess that i have bought plants and killed them... so sorry universe!

but yeah, I usually do find time to write or call guys I'm interested in. But you say he has called - to tell you he's busy... Again, same advice you've been getting : focus on doing what's best for you.

October 11, 2006

I have not read he is not that into you but I do think that the OPs love interest is not that into her.

Its about priorities. Sure, he may be very very busy but does he not have 20 seconds on the train/making coffee/any number of short but mindless tasks we do every day to send an email.

This is the behaviour of someone that isn't even putting you on their top 50 list of things to to - it isn't the behaviour of high acheivers.

My husband is very senior in a multinational investment bank and he travels a lot. He work is a point of contention and I am infrequently the number 1 priority. However we speak pretty much every day regardless of where in the world we are. More often that not its a "hi how was your day" conversation that last a few minutes. We do this because its important for our relationship to stay connected.

I am no slouch professionally and I simply don't believe people fall off the face of the earth. They just become more selective as to how they spend their time. I wonder if he other friends have received the occasional email?

October 11, 2006

I've never met anyone who works 20 hours per day 7 days a week. He's blowing you off....move on sister.

I actually have met a guy who works 20 hours per day 7 days per week (my brother), and he never had time for anyone ... until he met the girl that he just married a couple months ago. Suddenly he had time to call and email and figure out his schedule so Saturday night would be free to see her.

If I was a Magic 8 Ball, I'd say "the outlook is bleak." The options are that he's just not that interested, or that he really is *that* busy, and any relationship with him will be full of cancelled dates and not seeing him for two weeks at a time. You don't have to write him off yet if you don't want to, but try not to get your hopes up too high.

And in the near-term, as others have said, try to stay as calm as possible. Best of luck to you! I've been in this situation many times, and it's no fun.

October 11, 2006

Update: It seems he must've been a bit concerned after our conversation because this morning he sent me an sms saying;

"Sorry if I was on edge but what I said is true. I've had two very stressful weeks with lots of demands on me. The little time I've had to myself has been rare. I'd like to catch up once I have a break."

October 11, 2006

Well , funkify, that's good news. It doesn't really change the advice I'd give you though. Just keep going on about your life and if/when he decides to make time for you, you can decide whether you want to give him a chance. Don't call and text him if he's not calling and texting you. Just worry about passing your tests.

October 11, 2006

Hold on a second. You've known the guy a month, had one date & now, 10 days later, you're so stressed out about his busy schedule that you can't study for an exam properly?? A little perspective might not go astray here.

You call & leave a message. He calls back, even just to say he's really busy. Fine. He doesn't return your call? That's OK too. Date someone else. Same goes if you think you don't want to be involved with someone who puts their work before their social life. Find someone else to date.

October 19, 2006

5 days after he smsed me about wanting to catch up when he gets a break, I get a missed call from him. I called him back but there was no answer so I sent him an sms saying 'Sorry I missed your call, how've you been?'. It's now been 2 days since that sms and I've not heard a word from him.

What the? I don't get it. I called him up last week telling him it's ok if he's not interested, I'm happy to move on etc. But he kept insisting he's just busy and wants to catchup when he gets the chance...ok I took his word for it. So I thought his call 5 days later meant that he was ready to go out, but then he doesn't even reply to my courtesy sms!

What's going on? I'm getting so frustrated, I wish he'd just tell me he doesn't want to pursue anything so I can forget about him. Or if he seriously wants to pursue something, at least have the decency to keep in touch. It's been nearly 3 weeks since our first date - does he think it is acceptable to keep a girl waiting this long for a second date? ahhh

What should I do?

P.S I snapped out of panic and have been pretty busy studying for my exam, so thanks guys at least I won't fail now (I hope!)

October 19, 2006

Well, keep doing what you're doing as you seem to be doing really good.

You shouldn't, however, be expecting him to tell you whether or not he wants to pursue anything just yet. Two reasons:1) you only went on one date together 2) he's obviously not at at space in his life where he can pursue anything.

So, I think my conclusion would be, decide for yoursefl to forget about him. A man who doesn't manage to reply to a sms doesn't deserve a minute of your thoughts. (I know easier said then done).

And if someday, in the future, he does materialize and make time for you two to get to know each other, date and have fun, good for him. If not, his loss.

Good luck on that exam!

October 19, 2006

An SMS takes 1 minute to write. Even "Sorry I'm really busy, but had a great time - let me call you when I'm less pressured" would be ok. No SMS = no real interest.

Believe me if a guy is really into a woman, even if he is working 100 hours a week he will still make time for her.

October 20, 2006

He's keeping you as a fall back option until he meets someone he likes more. His behaviour is unacceptable. My brother-in-law is the managing director of a multi-million dollar real estate firm. My sister is currently on maternity leave. He rings her about twice a day to make sure she's doing okay, to see if she needs him to do anything, and to tell her when he's on his way home. It takes two minutes. No one works without taking these miniscule breaks because one wouldn't be able to function.

You should never jeopardise exam performance by worrying about a guy - especially one like this. Your result will go on your permanent record and affect your future career. This guy can't even envisage a coffee with you in the future...

October 20, 2006

Noos, that 'fall-back option' seems quite likely now that I think about it. His interest has probably waned (for whatever reason I can't think of any) and probably since his work has consumed most his time sicne the date he's mostly forgotten about the girl he once thought was great.

Now my question is...since he did call a few days ago (which was missed) is IS possible he will call again, maybe to set up a date who knows. How should I react to him? Should I mention his behaviour to let him know he can't screw me around? Or should I just act like I wasn't bothered by it at all and be happy to hear from him?

October 20, 2006

I've never met anyone who works 20 hours per day 7 days a week. He's blowing you off....move on sister.

I'm with Alpha. If a guy is really into a lady, he'll make time for her no matter what. If he won't, you don't need somebody like that. Let him stay in an intimate relationship with his job and you should move on. But, like Alpha, I really don't buy his BS.

So sorry!

October 20, 2006

Now my question is...since he did call a few days ago (which was missed) is IS possible he will call again, maybe to set up a date who knows. How should I react to him? Should I mention his behaviour to let him know he can't screw me around? Or should I just act like I wasn't bothered by it at all and be happy to hear from him?

You have three options -

Wait for him to ring and accept his offer of a date. I think if he rings in about three weeks and still expects you to be hanging out for date and finds that you're willing to go on one - that will signal to him that it's okay to disrespect you.

You can have another date if he rings you within a reasonable time frame - 10 days. Then you can watch him either scramble to apologise to you and check how since he is through his tone and gestures. Don't be overjoyed to see him if you choose this option.

Or you can just move on and if he rings you now - politely decline. Tell him that he appears to be too busy to be looking for a relationship because he can't manage even a proper phone call. Don't let him suck you in. Be firm.

Girls make the mistake of putting too much stock in a guy and then letting him distract them from other life goals.

I mean, if a girl flunks out of university, can't get a job, can't pay her rent and ends up living under a bridge - where is Mr "Your Feelings are So Insignificant That I Can't Be Bothered" going to be?

That's right! Shacked up with Miss "He was Seeing Me the Whole Time While You Were Crying Over Him and Failed Your Exams". (Who is usually blonde with big boobs.

October 20, 2006

I mean, if a girl flunks out of university, can't get a job, can't pay her rent and ends up living under a bridge - where is Mr "Your Feelings are So Insignificant That I Can't Be Bothered" going to be?

That's right! Shacked up with Miss "He was Seeing Me the Whole Time While You Were Crying Over Him and Failed Your Exams". (Who is usually blonde with big boobs.

OMG, I think beer just came out of my nose..

October 20, 2006

Girls make the mistake of putting too much stock in a guy and then letting him distract them from other life goals.

I mean, if a girl flunks out of university, can't get a job, can't pay her rent and ends up living under a bridge - where is Mr "Your Feelings are So Insignificant That I Can't Be Bothered" going to be?

That's right! Shacked up with Miss "He was Seeing Me the Whole Time While You Were Crying Over Him and Failed Your Exams". (Who is usually blonde with big boobs.

:lmao: Well said.

October 23, 2006

Ok, so I finally got some answers. I just had enough so I smsed him this:

'I told u you can b honest with me. Obviously ur not interested & u shouldn't feel u couldn't tell me. I'm actually quite happy being on my own so it would've been no big deal.'

He replied:

'To be honest I'm not thinking about much outside work and music. Today was the first time I had time for music in 1 mth. I haven't even eaten today cos of studio recording, that's the creative process, that's how it works. I'm on a roll.'

I forgot to mention, he's also a serious musician (just another one of his priorities!). So yeah, I don't know what to make of it. He was so great before he got busy with everything. Should I just chill until things settle down for him? Is that stupid of me to do that? I know he's not purposely ignoring me, he's just got priorities and I wouldn't demand him to reject them, they are his passions. Feedback? I believe my judgement may be clouded by this crush.

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