PoorMe Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Again with the late night...can't seem to get in bed before 2 or 3 a.m. I had a really crappy day for no particular reason (other than the obvious, compounded by lack of sleep). Couldn't manage to do anything that was productive or really mattered. Just sat at my desk feeling lost. I feel like life is going on around me and I'm not part of it. I'm getting really sick of my pity parties - and I can't seem to get out of this place that I'm in. I broke down and cried tonight when I should have been playing with the kids. It's so unfair that I can't be the Mom I was just a few months ago because of all of this. I hate the person I am now - bitchy, cranky, self-centered, depressed. HATE it. I can't seem to snap out of it. And more than anything I want him to just hold me and tell me everything will be alright. But, I can't make myself let him in. And now, I find myself sobbing all over again and I can't get out of this place. At least I'm not numb anymore...? I'm mad at myself for not being able to move past this faster, stronger than this, mad that I feel I need him to help me and I can't get my pride out of the way to let that happen. And why do I need him to help me get through this so badly? I feel ashamed that HE cheated, guilty that our relationship got so far off track, that I refused to admit to being depressed and let that get in the way. I failed at my marriage, I'm beginning to fail my kids, failing at work. Basically failing at everything at the moment. How do I get past this spot and start healing? Do I just start letting things be "normal" again? But how productive can that be - not really dealing with the pain and emotions?
Sup Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Again with the late night...can't seem to get in bed before 2 or 3 a.m. I had a really crappy day for no particular reason (other than the obvious, compounded by lack of sleep). Couldn't manage to do anything that was productive or really mattered. Just sat at my desk feeling lost. I feel like life is going on around me and I'm not part of it. I'm getting really sick of my pity parties - and I can't seem to get out of this place that I'm in. I broke down and cried tonight when I should have been playing with the kids. It's so unfair that I can't be the Mom I was just a few months ago because of all of this. I hate the person I am now - bitchy, cranky, self-centered, depressed. HATE it. I can't seem to snap out of it. And more than anything I want him to just hold me and tell me everything will be alright. But, I can't make myself let him in. And now, I find myself sobbing all over again and I can't get out of this place. At least I'm not numb anymore...? I'm mad at myself for not being able to move past this faster, stronger than this, mad that I feel I need him to help me and I can't get my pride out of the way to let that happen. And why do I need him to help me get through this so badly? I feel ashamed that HE cheated, guilty that our relationship got so far off track, that I refused to admit to being depressed and let that get in the way. I failed at my marriage, I'm beginning to fail my kids, failing at work. Basically failing at everything at the moment. How do I get past this spot and start healing? Do I just start letting things be "normal" again? But how productive can that be - not really dealing with the pain and emotions? You didn't fail....... Your husband did.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Take some responsibility for the growing apart in the marriage, that takes two...But his cheating? That was HIS choice and the WRONG choice for him to do to you and your children. It's not your fault. I failed at my marriage, I'm beginning to fail my kids, failing at work. Basically failing at everything at the moment. How do I get past this spot and start healing? Do I just start letting things be "normal" again? But how productive can that be - not really dealing with the pain and emotions? Get some one on one therapy to help you cope through this. And, when you're ready, do marriage counselling together.
RecoverMe Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 hey poor me- i agree w/ sup and whichwayisup......don't be so hard on yourself. when did you discover or did he confess?I personally know how hard it is to let him in to ccomfort you since he's the damn fool that caused the train wreck, well at least made the bad decisiion right? if he wants to help you lick your wounds, let him.. it will make you both feel better and at least help you move out of the dark void i sense you're in. is there anything-- hobby or otherwise that can help you give your mind a break from it? even taking some long walks......I think therapy could be helpful w/ a good therapist, mc even better for the both of you. I to say this cause it seems the cheater should be doing more of the work, huh? but medication might just get you over the hump, even if temporarily (like anti-depressants) talk to your dr. or therapist about that, it's just a tool, not a fix or a cure to the heartache and pain you are experiencing. It's normal and takes time, but use whatever tools you need to stay sane and be whole for your kids.
PoorMe Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Thanks for the responses. It has been 3 months. And I am in IC - found a great counselor, but I've only been able to go 4 times so far. As far as the meds, I've debated going on something, just worried about numbing my emotions so I won't be able to fully deal with them. But because I do want to be sane for my girls, I have seriously considered it and will be talking about it more at my next visit. I don't really have any hobbies - bad for me that I wrapped my whole life around my family and work...and beyond that I don't have the energy for much else. Onlywantshonesty- How do I let him help me through this? I feel like if I let him get close now, and then I have bad days (which are still very frequent), I'm yanking his chain if I act cold and unaffectionate towards him. Does that make sense? I still have a hard time just siting and looking him in the eyes. I feel like I have to be 100% ready to commit back to our marriage before I can give any part of myself to him. Is that unrealistic? Is it hurtful (to both us of) to want some affection and intimacy already, knowing that I haven't moved too far through the healing process yet?
gracey Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 My arms are around you. I'm sorry for your loss. I say loss because your H has taken something very sacred from you. I cry as I read your post because you are exactly were I was 1 year ago. I was so angry at myself, at him. I didn't want him to feel bad, but I also wanted him too. I felt sorry for him. I wanted him by me constantly. I wanted to be in his arms. I thought I was insane because I wasn't one of those women who quickly threw the H out and got divorced. It made me feel bad about myself because I didn't. You need to know he did it to fulfill a selfish need of his own. There was nothing you could have done to of prevented it. If he had talked to you and told you he was going to have a affair. Sure then you would have been able to take preventative measures. You weren't given that obtion. Don't ever blame yourself. He knew he was going through somethink funky and didn't bring you in on it. You have every right to love,him hate him, pity yourself, and mourn for what you have loss. This is your time to heal and it is going to be up and down. Let him know you don't know what you want you've never had to deal with emotions like this. He will understand. He knows what he did. Be very open and Honest. Don't worry about your kids. My four still don't have a clue anything had happened, and I locked myself in my bedroom and smoked a pack of cig. a day for 2weeks. I don't even smoke.
RecoverMe Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 pp- it makes sense and isn't realistic. I had a hard time letting my h in especially in the initial days after discovery. The therapist I was working w/ really helped me by having me meditate and focus on love and love only. It got me through the critical part. I wanted to kick him out and have many times in the past 4 months, when I'm having bad thought days. I think my h wanted me to be vulnerable to him and this was maybe his only way. I don't believe he wanted OW, he just wanted to somehow make me love him. But some times I feel like the only way I'm gonna make the hurt and pain go away is to go out and sleep w/ some guy so he can experience the real hurt too. but that doesn't seem like love, does it? plus I think I'm too scared to go through w/ that or use someone like that. Letting my h help me lick my wounds has brought an intimacy into our relationship that was long buried, and it takes a huge sacrifice on the spouse who was cheated on to allow themselved to be vulnerable. Don't fear it, think about why you married him to begin with if you haven't already. Is it worth saving and rebuilding? ask him the same. hang in there, you are progressing it just feels like you're not some days.
RecoverMe Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 sorry, I meant it IS realistic:o and gracey- I loved that you locking yourself in room for 2 weeks and smoked. I don't smoke either, and I totallly felt like doing that. interesting enough, my h is an absolute health freak, fitness buff and hates smokerss, yet his ow was a smoker. lot's of unresolved dominating matriarch stuff going on (his mom , also a smoker) at least that's what I thought
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