everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 i reread your comments, and i agree with you - if he was the one the broke things off with you - and you both have 'hinted' you want to try again, then he should be the one that calls - as long as you have given him the opportunity to do so. as for your date with the hottie, sounds like you have decided to move on. feeling wanted and attractive is always a great boast when you are down - my only concern is this - you ususally can't have it both ways - so, think about how he will feel knowing you have started dating...would that drive him away or pull him closer? and, most important, you should decide what you really want as you appear to have one foot in and the other out - either way, do what is best for you. good luck.
RecordProducer Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 It sounds like you should move on. This is not about how to crack a stubborn guy, but how to get over someone who has erased you from his life six weeks ago and doesn't reply to your email. He is an arrogant ass on top of everything.
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 RP, i couldn't help but noticed you used the word 'erase' when describing what u believe this person has done. my question to u is this - is it possible to erase someone from your memory? have u ever seen the movie eternal ---of the---mind? i am sure u have. and if u have i hope u agree with me that erasing someone is impossible. if u think about that movie, kate winslet decides that jim carry have hurt her so much that she goes to a company that erases memories. she does so out of anger and hurt. when he finds out what she has done, he responds in kind. but a funny thing happens, in doing so, he realizes that it is not 'in his nature' do such a thing. and how does he realize this? because kate and jim were soulmates [i know, cornball stuff indeed] and she finds her way back into his mind. and he fights off the 'operation' with her. and the best part of the movie is the ending. because the ending is really their beginning but they don't tell us what happens. do they get back together or not. and that is the mystery that everyone always has about a love and the twist of fate. no-one really knows what will happen - we make our own ending everyday. i love that movie.
RecordProducer Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 he has deleted me from MSN and hasn't returned my last e-mail. RP, i couldn't help but noticed you used the word 'erase' when describing what u believe this person has done. my question to u is this - is it possible to erase someone from your memory? have u ever seen the movie eternal ---of the---mind? i am sure u have. and if u have i hope u agree with me that erasing someone is impossible. Who said "memory"? It's very hard to speak metaphorically when people take you literally. We often use the word "dump" but we don't really dump someone literally, do we? He didn't really leave her in a decent way, he simply cut her off his life without any further contact. How do you call this? And why does it matter what I myself think about deleting someone from the memory?
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 This is not about how to crack a stubborn guy, but how to get over someone who has erased you from his life six weeks ago and doesn't reply to your email. He is an arrogant ass on top of everything. This is true RP.. this is the thought pattern that I finally took in order to move on.. When someone erases you and doesn't reply that says it all.. they are not capable of having an adult relationship and why would you settle for scraps.. D-lish.. go back out with the Hot guy.. maybe he is the thing you need in your life to get over the ex..
Guest Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I have to add to this conversation. I think I, myself, can throw you all for a loop. First, I believe firmly that D-Lish should wait for him to contact her since he 'initiated' the break-up... she initiated an email which he can reread a gizzillion times; there should be no more emails from her. With this said, deleting someone from MSN when you were the one to initiate said breakup is a form of NC. Someone here suggested that he may be in this mode, which I do believe he is. It is important to remember that Men 'cave' when dealing with their emotions. Societal behavioralization has solidified this through centuries. The break-up may not hit for a month or more (depending on the man) and then come rushing at him. It is important that you not be around -out of sight- while this occurs so that the full impact is felt pyschologically. It is important to remember that Women 'nurture' when dealing with their emotions. Once again, societal behavioralization plays in. Woman do what they feel is important after a break-up; clarification and communication to ease both parties. One person mentioned that if 3 months has passed then the dumper isn't going to reinitate. You can't put a time limit on things. This is where you will be thrown for the loop. I broke up with my partner, ceasing all contact (phone delete, email delete, MSN delete, pictures delete, common friends delete, and even a location move). There was no mechanism in place for either one of us to contact one another. The final breakup was a bridge burner of boorish words on my own part. The NC helped me to move on so-to-speak with another person. This new relationship is what helped me understand the difficulties that my previous partner and I encountered in our past relationship. I learned where the mistakes were made through being away from my former partner. Eventually, things came to a head. After 1 entire year of NC, I contacted the former partner. If something doesn't sit right, after a lengthy period of time - no amount of deleting will delete the feelings you have towards the person. I recalled from memory the email address, as I could not remember the phone number. 1 year later, I appologized. 1 month later, I received a response. The communication has continued. My point is, don't put a time frame on anything. Love is unconditional, so don't set conditions. Time changes a lot of things. Give eachother time and space to heal in your own ways. Good - Luck
Author D-Lish Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 Thanks Guest- that's a whole lot of really good insight you just provided here. And your description of men caving seems to be bang on. It especially seems descriptive of my ex. I know he still has feelings- I just know it in my heart. But I also know that when he feels pain, that he supresses it. It's evident by how he used to talk about his exes- when he spoke of relationships from years ago he would become either angry or remorseful- like he was experiencing the emotions like they were yesterday- even though they were years ago. So, I totally agreed with you when I read your post about how men deal with things differently than women. I lament- I talk about it, I bounce things off my friends.... Most men I know don't do that. Some men do- but the majority don't. I know him shutting me out is just his way of trying to forget- to wipe me out of his mind. It will hit him someday- of that I'm sure. I will not contact him. I believe that to be the best advice. Maybe he'll reach out, maybe he won't. In the meantime, I am getting better. I am also taking this time to work on the things that I need to do to make me a better partner the next time around with whomever that might be. you've provided some pretty good insight. Hope your communication with your ex continues to go well! D
dr strangelove Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Im going to post tricks women have used to get me back sometime soon.. pretty basic and stuff you can do at home without the aid of a professional
Author D-Lish Posted October 14, 2006 Author Posted October 14, 2006 well, for me- contacting him randomly here and there was becoming a bit of a game of sorts. He was angry, broke things off with me then cut off all contact. I have sent him one lengthy e-mail (right after the break up), one short "how ya doin" e-mail about three weeks ago... and that was it. I never heard back- so I decided to leave it. yesterday I sent him a text- saying I was in his area and did he want to see a movie with me. I didn't expect to hear back from him at all- as he is the master at "no contact". He hasn't spoken to anyone he has broken up with in the past- so I figured that I would be no different. I woke up this morning and low and behold...he has actually texted me back! freaked me out because I soooo didn't expect it. All he said was that he was "sorry he didn't get my text last night because he was working all night- but thanks for the invite..." that's it. Well, okay... that was something. Something I never expected. Don't get me wrong- I'm not getting my hopes back up or anything like that. But I just stared at my phone this morning in disbelief- holy crap, he actually answered me! Anyhow, his response was polite, and non committal about a "maybe another time"... but that's ok with me. A crack here? probably not. But it's something. Just the fact that he responded is something I'd never figure he would have done in a million years. My question is- how should I play this? I haven't said anything back yet- and I was thinking of either saying "no worries, maybe another time" and sending that in a couple of days from now- or simply not replying at all. What do you guys think is the best way to handle this? I'm not setting myself up for a fall here... I know it could mean absolutely nothing. I just don't want to come off too eager- nor do I want to blow the chances of a meeting down the road if it is in fact a small crack of hope. Any thoughts? I'm gonna go have a beer with friends tonight and try not to overthink this! Love is frustrating! Dee
Amour77 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 yesterday I sent him a text- saying I was in his area and did he want to see a movie with me. he has actually texted me back! freaked me out because I soooo didn't expect it. All he said was that he was "sorry he didn't get my text last night because he was working all night- but thanks for the invite..." that's it. Is this just what he texted back? Nothing more? I could feel in the original post of this thread you really wanted to get in touch with him and you did the right thing. After all, you've been in NC for some time now and he has had time to think. His reply is neutral, but at least you got one... When he says he is sorry he did not get your message, maybe he thinks you were in his area just when you texted him (that day/evening), but he could not get back to you.... Were you really in his area? I suppose it was just pretend.... He might think that now that you are back home, the offer no longer stands....he might be waiting for you to make the first move again, if that's what he's always done. Is the "working all night" a good excuse to you? Did he get back to you in the morning? Could he have replied from his work? It is a good thing he got back to you. What it means is maybe harder to interpret. However, if he hated you, he would not have probably got back to you.... Let him contact you now, but bear in mind that he might wait for you to invite him again. Your offer to see a movie is quite explicit and he will probably see that as an offer to get things back on track between you two, above all if you did not specifically agreed on being "friends"..... The ball is in his court! You did more than enough to get in contact with him for a last chance while you are doing NC. He might not reply to you straight away, but if he really wants you, he will sooner or later... Look at you.... You were absolutely determined on keeping NC, but you eventually contacted him. It is only natural, after all, we are not machines. When you still love someone, you try to get them back. Keep your options open and let time do its wonder. Take care
vanButterfly Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 If someone is stubborn, you can only begin to make them go the other way by not making them have to resist (whatever they are resisting). In brief: If he thinks blue, and you tell him red, then he will think __BLUE__. I am stubborn - badly. My father is stubborn. Worse! This works with us. YOu cant make him think red, but you can make him start to see how it could be red. "for a year he says something and he rarely goes back on his word for the sake of pride." This is a hard man to deal with. One of my exe's where like this. Imagine how your life will be with this man?? I always had to reach out to this man too. He never said sorry. Always thought he was right. The 'stop talking' thing has got to go. I had that issue too. (Jeez I feel sorry for you.... ) It sounds like your ex is confused and doesnt know what he wants. NC for 6 weeks is a long time. All I can say is that this sounds like my relationship with a guy 2 years ago. We are not together but I thank god for that and you will too. You will meet someone that is not like he is, and you will wonder how on earth you wanted to stay with this other one. I only saw the light 6 months after we broke up. I met a wonderful man and I actually didnt want to be in a relationship because of the last one. I finally had my self esteem back. Do you really want to have to be the one that goes to your partner as the one that was wrong? "You were with this guy for 1 year you should know his fears doubts and habbits so you need to target his vanrable spots. His inscurities if you will. Is it possible to crack a stubbon guy, hell yes its possible to crack anyone with the right approach." I agree with this 500%. Think hard about it and try and understand him. I was with my ex for 14 months. I couldnt think in the first couple weeks - but I did exactly as Ruff Ryder said. You have been together long enough to understand his weaknesses to use it to your advantage but remember that sometimes some people are not stubborn - even if you think they are - they can just be stupid. Is he being stupid or stubborn? Or Immature?
Author D-Lish Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 When he says he is sorry he did not get your message, maybe he thinks you were in his area just when you texted him (that day/evening), but he could not get back to you.... Were you really in his area? I suppose it was just pretend.... He might think that now that you are back home, the offer no longer stands....he might be waiting for you to make the first move again, if that's what he's always done. Is the "working all night" a good excuse to you? Did he get back to you in the morning? Could he have replied from his work? Oh Armour...I was soooo not in the area- I was just fishing. I actually did get a response rather quickly, within a few hours- I just didn't see it until the next day because I went to bed early and turned my phone off! Yeah, he works A LOT of evenings- inside a theatre, on scaffolding- so it's totally a valid excuse. I'm just freaked out he responded at all. I don't know what it means. If nothing else it means he has softened a little! Maybe that is a crack in his armour... and perhaps that can lead to some friend-type activities down the road. I was just going to wait a few days and respond with "no worries...another time perhaps". I don't know though. Frustrating- the whole working to win someone back thing! It's funny, because I've had a couple dates lately with some "maybe, perhaps, we'll see promising prospects".... SO that last attempt at texting the ex was like a last ditch effort to test the waters.... Now I'm left a bit confused again. D-Lish
Author D-Lish Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 Thanks V-Butterfly... You bring up a good question.... DO I truly want to be with someone like my ex...someone that never reaches out to me- someone capable of shutting down and punishing me with silence. I don't know- that is what I am beginning to ponder now. More specifically- do I really want to be the one that does the work...makes the effort to get him back? I want someone to make an effort with me for a change. You guys are great, thanks. D
Author D-Lish Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Nope- no news... I sent him a response to his text saying "no worries about the movie, another time perhaps..." and that was Monday. I won't hear from him. I really think I have to just go full NC for at least a couple months. He's truly stubborn- and he never talks to exes- so I won't be any different. My only hope is that his missing me phase kicks in at some point when he least expects it. For now- I'm moving on....and trying to forget about him.
princessa Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 The idea behind "cracking" stubborn guys is to find a way for him to be able to agree with you without making it look like he was wrong, or that he lost the argument. You gotta let him save his pride, but at the same time continue on with the plan he originally disagreed with. Of course this means that you'll lose a bit of YOUR pride, but then whether that's important or not really depends on whether you really love the man or not, and whether you know for a fact that his intentions are good.
Art_Critic Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 The idea behind "cracking" stubborn guys is to find a way for him to be able to agree with you without making it look like he was wrong, or that he lost the argument. You gotta let him save his pride, but at the same time continue on with the plan he originally disagreed with. Of course this means that you'll lose a bit of YOUR pride, but then whether that's important or not really depends on whether you really love the man or not, and whether you know for a fact that his intentions are good. I used to think this about my ex GF as well.. Nope.. wasn't the case..I tried to make it easy for her to just come to me and say Hi..the past would be the past and then we could go from there.. I provided the ice breakers and put my foot forward and showed that I was willing to take the bull by the horns ( so to speak )and she refused to take them... I continued to provide more ice breakers.. no go.. it was very frustrating.. It took a while for it to sink in that she just didn't want to talk to me.. no matter how much I wanted to talk to her and show her things would be different.. stubborn ? yes I think she was..crackable ?? I thought she was.. but undoing her decision to not speak to me was impossible and she proved to me that she had stronger will power than I had..
princessa Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 stubborn ? yes I think she was..crackable ?? I thought she was.. but undoing her decision to not speak to me was impossible and she proved to me that she had stronger will power than I had.. Perhaps the real problem was that she was not only stubborn, but really didn't want to be with you anymore? In this girl's case, it seems like he still cares about replying to her texts, as opposed to just ignoring her cold turkey like he usually does with ex's.
Art_Critic Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Perhaps the real problem was that she was not only stubborn, but really didn't want to be with you anymore? In this girl's case, it seems like he still cares about replying to her texts, as opposed to just ignoring her cold turkey like he usually does with ex's. Who knows.. she never spoke up and told me so it was up to me to decide what she meant.. In D-lish's case he is also ignoring her.. he has just replied out of what I would call dumpers remorse.. If he wanted her back he would make a play for her.. Same thing for my ex GF.. if she had wanted me back she would've made some sort of play for me.. I sure made the play for her.. D-lish needs to do what she said she was doing and move on.. this guy is a waste and he threw a good thing away.. Only time will tell
Author D-Lish Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 yer right Art.... If he wanted me, he would reach out. I have left the door wide open for him. There are no magic words or games or "right moves" that can bring someone back when they don't want to be with you. I know that. I need to just lick my wounds and walk away with dignity. It's done. He truly is stubborn- and I know that even if he wanted me back, he's not the kind of guy that would EVER reach out to me. Like I said... I'm sick of chasing, tired of lamenting, tired of taking all the blame and apologizing. All I'm doing is making myself feel worse. I reach out- I wait, and I never hear anything back. I've reached out 3 times in 7 weeks.... to very little avail. Whether he realizes one day he's made a mistake...or not....I can't keep waiting. It was crappy of him to dump me over the phone and refuse to discuss anything with me. It's crappy of him to shut me out and punish me like this after a year together. And honestly? It was really crappy of him to leave me at a time in my life when I needed him the most- to bail because he couldn't cope with my stressful situation. I should be thankful. Still sad though. Still love him like crazy. Still think of him every day. But it's over..I have to go with that belief. Thanks for your replies... Dee
Ruff Ryder Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Your doing the right thing BabyGirl, be strong you will be just fine.... have a good one xxx
suchislife Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Yup, I know how you feel. I have yet to get any kind of explantion from the stubborn guy - it's been almost 3 weeks, but I do think about the fact that it would always be this way. He shuts down and then I don't hear anything. Who knows what is going on. I'm hanging tough, though. I know I treated him well and can look back with no regrets. I still think about him but I can't always guess how he is feeling and then as you said, take the blame and do all the work to fix things. I know something happened last weekend, only because one of the people we both knew who likes drama suddenly text me and wanted to go out. She never does that. She either wanted information or wanted to give me some to see how I would react. I had plans and didn't go out with her. I don't need it. It's too bad. There was a lot of chemistry but communication is critical in a relationship. I stay busy though and feel happier that I'm not on pins and needles wondering... Someone mentioned to me this a control issue on his part. He controls the situation through his silence. Ohh. I don't think I like that at all. Time will tell. Good luck with everything.
Author D-Lish Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 I hear ya.... about the silence my friend. Thanks RR- as always! I'm painting...honestly! ;-) yeah, I know I mentioned silence as being an aggressive action. Silence, witholding, is a means of punishment and control. Women tend to blame inward before fully comprehending the situation and then seeing the larger picture. Often, men (generalizing, sorry guys) tend to place blame outwardly. Some men internalize resentment and punish through silence and withdrawing. That is what my ex does...sounds like maybe yours does too. It's hard on us because we want to resolve our emotions- they want to forget them...so they blame. One can only change that pattern if they recognize it and have some insight into the particulars of such actions. Or in their case- inactions. I initially blamed myself for everything....why? Because he told me I was to blame for everything. he said a lot of nasty things- brought up issues from the very distant past that I had never known about. He had never talked to me about any of what had been going on in his head. Not once. So I was left feeling crappy and confused after the break up- focusing on everything he told me was flawed about me. You're right- communication is the key to a lasting successful relationship. I never had that in my situation with my ex. So- I am considering myself lucky that I without him now. Now, if only the pain would go away... :-) Thanks, as usual for your replies. D
norajane Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 yeah, I know I mentioned silence as being an aggressive action. Silence, witholding, is a means of punishment and control. Women tend to blame inward before fully comprehending the situation and then seeing the larger picture. Often, men (generalizing, sorry guys) tend to place blame outwardly. Some men internalize resentment and punish through silence and withdrawing. That is what my ex does...sounds like maybe yours does too. It's hard on us because we want to resolve our emotions- they want to forget them...so they blame. One can only change that pattern if they recognize it and have some insight into the particulars of such actions. Or in their case- inactions. Agreed. It's also a coping mechanism - they run rather than face the issues. My guy's first response to anything is withdrawal. He withdraws to think about things and then comes out with a Decision...doesn't feel the need to consider my point of view and talk to me about his before retreating and coming out with his Decision. If he's uncomfortable about something, he withdraws and comes out when it's blown over for him rather than talking to me about whatever is bugging him...so I might guess I've done something that bugs him, but have no idea what it might actually be. If there's something he doesn't want to tell me because he knows I won't want to hear it, he withdraws and doesn't say anything unless I get a clue and drag it out of him. I doubt he's ever truly broken up with anybody - he just withdraws further and further from the relationship until she breaks it off or there isn't a relationship anymore. He avoids conflict and withdrawal is the easiest way for him to do it.
Guest Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 “It's hard on us because we want to resolve our emotions- they want to forget them...so they blame. One can only change that pattern if they recognize it and have some insight into the particulars of such actions. Or in their case- inactions.” EXACTLY – AND WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK WORKS IN THE LONG RUN. WHEN YOU ‘RESOLVE’ OUR EMOTIONS YOU DO JUST THAT, RESOLVE THEM – DONE. THAT’S CALLED DOING THE WORK. FROM THE MOMENT YOU DO THAT, THEY ARE NO LONGER PROBLEMATIC. NOW LOOK AT THE OTHER WAY, FORGET THEM. NO-ONE EVER FORGETS THEM. ALL THAT DOES IS HID THEM AWAY AND THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE AND A PROBLEM COMES UP, THOSE THINGS WILL ARISE AGAIN AND MAKE IT TWICE AS HARD. AND THE PERSON THAT DOES THIS JUST KEEPS MAKING THE PILE BIGGER AND HARDER TO ACTUALLY BE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. “It was crappy of him to dump me over the phone and refuse to discuss anything with me. It's crappy of him to shut me out and punish me like this after a year together. And honestly? It was really crappy of him to leave me at a time in my life when I needed him the most- to bail because he couldn't cope with my stressful situation. I should be thankful.” ACTUALLY, DOING ALL THOSE THINGS ARE WAY WORSE THAN CRAPPY. THEY ARE DISRESPECTFUL. MY EX DID THAT TO ME BUT YOU KNOW HOW I GOT OVER ANY ANGER ABOUT THAT? EASY. BECAUSE THINKING CALLING HER ACTIONS ‘CRAPPY’ MEANT I WAS LETTING WHAT SHE DID MAKE ME FEEL RESPONSIBLE. WHY SHOULD I FEEL CRAPPY? I DIDN’T DO THOSE THINGS. AND WHEN I LOOKED AT HER ACTIONS THAT WAY I REALIZED THAT I DIDN’T FEEL CRAPPY, I DIDN’T FEEL DISRESPECTED, BECAUSE WHAT THAT IS ALL ABOUT IS HER BEING UNABLE TO SEE THAT THOSE EMOTIONS BELONG TO HER – IF YOU DON’T ACTUALLY FEEL WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS ACTUALLY ABOUT YOU AS A PERSON – THEN OF COURSE YOU CAN DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE. IF YOU CAN’T EMPATHIZE OR REALIZE THOSE THINGS – THAT’S HOW U CAN DO IT. WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITHOUT SOMEONE WHO IS INCAPABLE OF FEELINGS OF THAT KIND? NO WAY. I MEAN – COME ON. LOOK AT THE LIST – PHONE, LEAVING WITH NO EXPLANATION, NC, LEAVING WHEN YOUR PARTNER NEEDS YOU THE MOST? AND KNOWING THAT THEY HELPED YOU AT YOUR LOWEST? WOW! WHEN I STARTED LOOKING AT IT THAT WAY – POOF! GONE. I TOOK BACK THE LOVE I GAVE HER AND MY HEART AND THEN MY MIND MADE THE ADJUSTMENT – AND THAT’S WHEN THE WOMAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH BECAME THE WOMAN CAPABLE OF THOSE THINGS AND THERE IS NO PLACE IN MY LIFE FOR SOMEONE LIKE THAT. I STILL WISH HER WELL AND HOPE SHE FINDS WHATEVER IT IS SHE WANTS OUT OF LIFE – I TRULY DO.
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