can you "crack" a stubborn guy?

[D-Lish]

How does one go about finding their way back into a stubborn man's heart? Is it completely hopeless?

 

I dated an extremely stubborn guy for a year he says something and he rarely goes back on his word for the sake of pride. We have had a few fights over the months- and each time we parted and stopped speaking. No matter who was at fault, I always ended up reaching out to him to end the NC and work things out. Then he would admit he was heartbroken and missing me like crazy- but also admitted that he would never budge in a situation like that

 

the last fight- we stopped talking for four days and I reached out to him and he broke up with me. We had just gotten back from a romantic trip together, before the minor argument we had been all lovey and had spent a wonderful weekend together. Then we argued, I left his place and didn't talk for four days. This ended in him saying it was over, that he didn't love me anymore and he didn't want to be in the relationship.

 

i was devastated- but I know he hasn't stopped caring for me deeply- that it was quite possibly a quick reaction. My issues is that I know him well enough to understand he will never go back on his word- he would see that as a way of compromising his pride.

 

Is there a way to reach out to him without making myself look like a fool? I've been in NC for six weeks and e-mailed him once during that time to try and talk to him- to no avail.

 

Or should I just continue with the NC and let this go? Accept his words that he doesn't love me and move on? Anyone have experience with a really stubborn guy?

 

I'm leaning towards keeping up with the NC. It's just hard, because I know he will never reach out to me no matter how much he still cares or thinks of me.

 

Any advice- harsh or not would be appreciated!

D-Lish

[Ruff Ryder]

Now your talking about a great topic.

 

You were with this guy for 1 year you should know his fears doubts and habbits so you need to target his vanrable spots. His inscurities if you will. Is it possible to crack a stubbon guy, hell yes its possible to crack anyone with the right approach.

 

Now for the harsh word.... WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? You know this guy is no good for you and you know what happens if it doesnt work... Yip you guesses it more pain more confusion and more heart ake.

 

Is it worth a second shot????? I would have to say thats like a shot in the dark you never know. You going to have to play the flirting and hard to get game. Make yourself a target again....

 

Now for the good news. YOu landed this guy before and that mean he has a level of attraction for you. If you know how to amplify that then your in there with a good chance.

 

There are certain ways a man thinks and act if you know how to use that to your advantage you can do many a great things in your "love life"

 

Are there any specifics that your looking for? Like a technique or a way to crack this dude?

 

Let me know if I can help I will....

 

Chat soon

[Amour77]

Hello D-Lish,

 

Do you have any means to get in touch with him so that it does not look obvious you are specifically contacting him to get things sorted out? Does he still have belongings at yours or things like that?

Can you think of a random, casual thing you can talk to him about?

Talk to him about trivial things, be nice to him but look like you are no longer interested in him, and slowly go back into his life.

[SuddenlyISee]

Hey D-lish... I couldn't find the original thread where you asked me to PM you, but I can't use the PM function...

 

Add me to MSN though: thfc _ girlie @ hotmail . com [without the spaces, obviously, haha]

 

It'll be good to talk to someone who's in a similar situation..

[ImInPain]

D-lish stubborn men or women it's all the same. Why do we have to chase them. He knows you love him and it's not up to you to change his mind. His loss is your gain. Sounds like he needs to be alone for awhile and miss you. NC is tough but what choice do you have. If you always contact him it lets him know OH GEE she will always come back I can do whatever I want. Be strong.

[Art_Critic]

How does one go about finding their working myback into a stubborn man's heart? Is it completely hopeless?

 

I have wondered the same thing before D-lish.. except with an exgf.

 

I do know that communication is important but as with my case she would never speak to me again.. So working my way back was fruitless...

 

 

If I knew the answer I would tell you.. one thing for sure is that the ball is in their court not ours..

[Art_Critic]

His loss is your gain.

 

So true ....

[Josalina]

dlish, one question is he really worth it?

 

if so then i would if it was me text him to see how the land lies, my ex admittted he didn't text first as he didn't know whether he should, be cool and as a simple question, i would ask a question like 'hey you, how u been?' this will give him a reason to text back, if you don't ask a question men don't know how to respond.

 

however if he texts first it shows he is trying to do the chasing so let him, be poliet but i wouldn't give to much away, remember during a nc breakage the person who breaks it is classed as weaker, however u could twist it to your advantage.

 

just ask yourself do u relly think u could end up with this man for the rest of your life?

or without being rude as we have all done it, r u longing for something because u can't have it?

we all want what we can't have at times, its gives us a challenge which we thrive for,but if you truly love him, fight for him, but only once after that he knows how you feel and you leave it with him, if he doesn't come back he was never yours to start with and it wasn't meant to be. people may disagree with me but that is my opinion on this matter, but above all keep busy, have fun and you never know u may find someone better.

take care.

[D-Lish]

Thanks for your replies guys.

 

I don't know if I'm just out to have him back because he rejected me- or if I really love him. It feels like I love him- but I also recognize that there were many things about our relationship that didn't fulfill me. In which case, yes- his loss will be eventual gain.

 

It sucks being on the other side of NC huh? I can tell you that NC works to drive the other person crazy- because it certainly drives me up the wall!

 

We have completed all of our unfinished business with the trading of stuff- and I have no reason to call or ask for a meeting... so there is no real reason I can think of to contact him without him knowing it would be a made up reason for contact.

 

Maybe I just have to be thankful that this guy ended things- that because he did, it leaves me free to find someone more worthy of my love and affection.

 

It's just hard. I've never had anyone break up with me and completely cut me off like this! I'm having trouble with this. But everyone here is offering great insight and good advice. If it were me- I'd be telling others to remain in NC- and I do tell others to do that. Perhaps I need to take my own advice! Easier to give than to follow I suppose!

 

Thanks,

D-lish

[ImInPain]

NC is tough but what if it's what they want? Then they can move on. I think it all depends on how well you know the person and how much you are willing to give up in order to gain? Does that make sense? Mine was the last to contact me after I did NC and now it's back in her court. I love her I miss her and I sooooo want to be with her but I cannot let her hurt me anymore. So NC. She will realize that I am a really good guy who she loves and then maybe come back. If she doesn't I move on and understand that she will never find another guy as devoted and caring as I. Someone always loses and usually it's both sides but we are just so hurt we think it's only us. Trust me if the relationship lasted any time more than say 1 year they miss plenty of stupid little things about you as well as the big and that will always be on thier minds.

[norajane]

When you were together, were you a good person, a caring girlfriend, a generous lover? Did you give of yourself, did you listen to him, and make him feel loved and special? If so, then you've already done everything, you've already fought for him with the only "ammunition" you have.

 

It's not your fault or responsibility that he can't or won't accept your love. You weren't poking him with sharp sticks all the time, so he has no reason to avoid you except that he chooses to. Don't feel bad about this, and don't go chasing after him. Even if you were to manage to get him, you'd always wonder if he'd ever choose to fight to get you.

[Summer2000]

Wow, that is so true, if you do chase your loved one and get back together you will always want to know if he would ever chase you.. Wow, that totally hit the spot!!!!

[D-Lish]

Yes, very true. And I also think that if you go after someone and work your butt off to "win" them back... that it feels like your decision rather than their decision to return to the relationship.

 

I dunno...I know I wasn't perfect...but yes, I was loving and caring for the most part...not to mention generous and always good for a laugh....

so yeah, i did do my part I guess. To the best of my ability anyway.

 

Thanks.

[Amour77]

We have completed all of our unfinished business with the trading of stuff- and I have no reason to call or ask for a meeting... so there is no real reason I can think of to contact him without him knowing it would be a made up reason for contact.

 

D-lish

 

It is a shame you do not have an excuse of some sort to contact him.

 

However, NC is good. You are waiting for him to contact you.... But what happens if he is doing exactly the same as you? I know you tried to contact him a couple of times since the break up (that HE initiated), so the ball is in his court, but he might be doing NC as well.

 

In that case, who is going to make the first move?

[Summer2000]

She has contacted him by e-mail and she did not get any response.. She should not contact him, she is doing GREAT by going no contact all together..

 

[norajane]

In that case, who is going to make the first move?

 

She's already made the first move. And she's always reached out to him first to end the NC in the past. I don't see why she should make a second move after all that. He's not a child. If he wants to be with her, he should be a man and get in touch with her. If he doesn't - as he hasn't - then he either doesn't want to be with her, or he's too wrapped up in his own pride which makes him a bad partner in the long run anyway.

[D-Lish]

I have to agree with the being wrapped up in his own pride.

And you're right NJ- that would make him a bad partner in the long run.

I always did the reaching out. I have to step back now.

[Art_Critic]

I have to step back now.

 

that is your only move D-lish.. the ball is in his court..

 

I have an ex that I stepped back from a couple of years ago that I would kill to hear from.. I made contact more than enough for her to know that I still want her..

[Amour77]

I just thought that he might be in NC as well and wait for you to make the first move, but it is true that you've emailed him already and he never got back to you.

If you think he has to make the next move, fair enough. I totally understand your point of view. As you said, you already emailed him and he never replied. I hope your email will slowly work its way into his mind and make him realise that he loves you too.

 

By the way, you are doing absolutely great D-Lish, and you seem to be a great person and you deserve to be happy.

[ImInPain]

When do we end the games and act like two adults that are/were in love. Life is not a game nor is love. This makes me soooo sick that we must go through this crap and endure the pain. Why can't people be real anymore. D-lish we all make mistakes and we all have baggage but that's what makes us human. If they can't love us for who we are then should we care about them? You seem like a great person and you deserve better. If he cannot let his pride down to be with someone he truly loves you need to walk and let him suffer. I know you will suffer too but it is for the best. Will you chase him for the rest of your life? You cannot do that. Good luck.

[Island Girl]

Yes, very true. And I also think that if you go after someone and work your butt off to "win" them back... that it feels like your decision rather than their decision to return to the relationship.

 

Nope-- your work is not the obvious work. You make them do the obvious work. And YES you do make them work. It is not as easy as "will you come back to me? Yes. Okay." He has to date you again - the demand for respect comes from that.

 

6 weeks isn't quite long enough and you have to count the time from the last contact - no matter what it was, call text, whatever.

 

So you get your hair done, get highlights or something. Work out - go walking again, whatever makes you feel GREAT. Take some bubble baths, get a facial, indulge in whatever guilty pleasure you want - do this and more.

 

When you are looking great and really feeling great --- Ask yourself do you really want him back?

 

If YES. Here goes:

 

Wear something you look fantastic in but not too revealing, light natural but great looking make up, etc. -- orchestrate a run-in. It is purely accidental, be really *vibrant*, and be genuinely happy to see him.

Ask how he is doing, what he is up to, "I haven't seen you in so long!" All the while smiling and happy. Tell him he looks great - just like you'd tell any friend of yours. Same tone, same everything. Act a little flirty - just a hint so his ego is stroked but he doesn't get a clear meaning from it.

 

End the quick conversation early. "Oh - I really wish we could catch up some more but I have to go ________!" Again genuine disapointment - not the end of the world but a missed chance for fun - does that translate? -- Then, "Well, it was so good seeing you." Put kind of a little longing in your voice like you just hate to have to go. Take off fast. Do not say I'll call and don't let him say it either. You're just Audi.

 

Believe me -- you will stick in his head. If he has thought about you at all or missed you at all or thought about sex with you at all in the time you have been apart --- you will instantly come screaming to the front of his head. And that *vibrant* you - will be dancing around in his head.

 

He will justify calling you because you already talked so it won't effect his pride. You were happy so he won't be scared of your reaction. You gave him an 'in'.

 

Then your work is making him work.

 

You don't tell him you miss him, that you still care - he has to start from square one.

 

You don't tell him he is starting from scratch. You are just happy, slightly chatty, and carefree - giving him plenty to think about.

Again a bit of "low level" flirting but not too long on the phone either. If you feel he is on the edge, you can again give him the idea and open the door without being obvious. Talk about movies - even one you saw together perhaps you just saw it again and it was so good then go directly into a new one that is out - "Has he seen it? (yes or no " The same thing can be done with restaurant...do you get the idea?

 

Does that set any 'feminine wiles' wheels in motion?...

[Summer2000]

I don't think she should go over by him.. If she did that she is taking a huge rick my going back to square one..

 

He was not good to her and he is not calling or anything, she is better off without him..

 

She should pamper herself but not for him, for herself..

 

Her ex does not seem to care that she is hurting now so in my eyes he does not deserve her love... She has reached out to him a few times and he has not responded..

 

So this break up is his loss not hers! Dee, you are so much better off without him! You are WAY to good for that as_clown!

[RecordProducer]

He sounds like my hubby. All I need to do is use HIS method in such cases. If I ignore him back and show that I am still cheerful without him (I don't pretend, I just have fun with my kids or LS), he is intimidated and starts doing something about it. If I show that I completely don't attempt to reconcile, he approaches me - usually to give me a lesson about how wrong I am, but he loves me.

 

My advice: show him that you don't care and his inner emotions will explode. If he wants you, he will run after you. If not, he doesn't care about you.

 

Did you say you haven't seen him in 6 weeks after the last fight? Wow, that's a long time. So you emailed him and nothing happened? What did you say in the email, "I love you" or "You're such an ass" type of thing?

[everlong]

i think this is always the trickiest part of reconnecting - the guessing who should make the first move when both want too. to be honest, i think the only thing that should be considered is to what extremes no contact has been set up and used. for example: if one person has cut off all methods of contact, then how would it be possible for the other person to contact them. lets say, one has removed that possiblitity, then it is really up to the other to make contact. when you tie the hands of the other person and remove avenues for communication, you can expect them to be the one to contact you. a word of advice tho, when someone has done that - don't expect them to call you - they have erased you opportunity to contact them for a reason - so don't hold on to false hopes. and if that has gone on for more than 3 months - you can be sure that call will never be coming.

[D-Lish]

Ugh....

Believe me- I have thought about all of these things at length. It's all so confusing.

 

I know that if I could orchestrate a run in that I could put myself back in the front of his mind- but alas we live 45 min's from each other and the possibility of running into him without it looking obvious are nil...

 

I haven't called- and he has deleted me from MSN and hasn't returned my last e-mail. And my e-mail was more of an "I love you...but you're going to have to work for me if you want me back..." type of thing.

 

I will keep playing the NC... and if he never reaches out to me- I have to see it as his loss. I'm a great catch afterall.... ha!

 

On a brighter note- I had a date tonight. Just a blind date from LavaLife. I can tell you- if anyone is looking to get help moving forward, nothing works better than having the opportunity to flaunt your magic in a no strings attached setting. It's like practicing for job interviews- the more you do it, the better your chances at landing the perfect career!! It made me feel good- to have someone want to see me again.

 

He's 8 years younger than me though.... too young, but it was awesome to flirt and be myself.

 

Everyone here gives great advice- I read all of it. It's great to have all these different perspectives floating around.

 

Will I rech out to my ex? No. Do I still love him? Yes. But I agree that what it comes down to is having pride enough to take a step back and re-evaluate my goals and needs. Yep- highlights and bubble baths are all "me things" I am trying to concentrate on!

 

Man, I had a date with a hottie...and he was obviously interested...then the awkward moment at the end of the date came when you don't know if you should kiss or whatever...AND I SHOOK HIS HAND GOOD NIGHT!!! Shook his hand!! haha. I need lessons...

 

Thanks everyone, you're all awesome.

And Island Girl... If I can arrange a run in with the ex- I will surely follow that advice. But You're right- he'll have to work to get me back if he ever decides he wants it.

Cheers,

Dee