happymom Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 well my H said that he was looking at porn because we were fighting and I was sleeping on the couch..so I guess this is his way of getting back at me..I feel like I HATE him and I need to get out of here..help!!!!
anna13 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I am fairly new to this website so I really dont know your history with your husband. Either way you have every right to be upset . It is a bad cycle , he is looking a porn because you were sleeping on the couch to get back at you for not being with him? Like him doing that is going to make you feel like going near him? ... like I said I dont know your situtation. but try not to let the cycle of anger continue. If things go in circles, it will make you become further apart from each other. of course tell him that him doing that makes you really uncomfortable. but then try to move forward from there.
LakesideDream Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Hubby is watching porno, because he enjoys looking at porno. The fact that you are "sleeping on the couch" isn't his reason. Throwing that up to you is just an easy "target of oppertunity" for him. Why are you sleeping on the couch? Without reading more, I suspect the reasons for you sleeping on the couch are nearer the root of the problem than the porn.
Trimmer Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 She's got a lot more going on than shows in this post. Check a summary in this thread, and her main post in this thread. As I read it, she's pretty firmly decided on a divorce, but they are continuing live together until December for financial/lease reasons. Sounds like a tense situation, at best. HM, if you are certain you are headed for divorce, and just biding your time, it sounds like a very emotionally volatile situation. It would help you to start disconnecting emotionally now - not to say that's easy, but you've put yourself in an odd position, having decided to "leave" the marriage, but believing you are unable to physically separate. Since you have decided it's over, stop focusing on the things that have anything to do with the two of you as husband and wife (if you're sure that's over) and focus only on the welfare of your kids. From that perspective, don't dwell on "hurt and angry" because that's about you and him. If you are focusing on the kids, you might be "concerned" about their welfare, about the possibility of them being exposed to this stuff, but beyond that, don't worry about his behavior, as it doesn't affect you any more. (Again, all of this is based on the assumption that you are certain you are decided about moving forward with the divorce.) The sooner you disconnect from him as husband and wife, the sooner that tension (Why is he doing this? What does it mean? Is he trying to 'get back' at me?) will diminish. Now, it's only about the kids, and you must deal with those issues rationally, and without bringing in your husband/wife bitterness. Calmly declare some boundaries: he doesn't access porn when the kids are in the house or on the property, and if this is a computer the kids ever use, then no porn is ever downloaded to the local hard drive, and there must be no history or cookie traces of inappropriate material at any time the kids have access to the computer. Note you are not affirmatively "giving him permission" here, you are just declaring sensible and clear boundaries that must be met to protect the kids. That's what a parent is concerned about, and beyond that, accept that you won't be able to control what he does, and don't allow yourself to get dragged back into the husband/wife arguments. By taking this kind of approach, you will show him that you are taking your own life and power back, and you won't buy into the petty arguments and aggravations. If it's really over, then start dealing with him now as the responsible parent you will be, and expect the same of him; but again, don't mix that up with the husband/wife bickering. It will really pay off to keep those separate.
anna13 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Why are you and him still living together? this guys sounds like a total jerk. this obviously has nothing to do with you at all. the one thing I am concerned about with you still living together is that I have learned in my own life with people in my life ( not nessesarily my husband) that just when you think they have done their worst to you .. sometimes it isnt and they can actually hurt you more than you posibly believe , meaning that when that time comes you will be saying , gee i rather have dealt with that issue than this bigger issue. he has no remorse for his actions, he doesnt seem to have concern on your children's access to what he has been looking at. and he has repeated his behavior so many times. definitly not worth living together ( although I know that I dont know the whole story) but you cant torture yourself by living with him anymore. I am sure you know that you deserve much more than this guy can possibly give you.
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