It hurts so bad

[dyinginside2376]

I'm brand new to the forum. I am hurting inside so very bad. My husband is on his 4th tour in Iraq right now. That isn't the reason I'm hurting. The reason I'm hurting is that one month before he left, he asked me for a divorce. This isn't the first time this has happened since we were living together as boyfriend and girlfriend, but this is the worst time AND he is definatly NOT changing his mind. His decision sticks and I am left here to mourn the loss of him while he extended his military contract and left to go back to Iraq where I feel he doesn't have to deal with the divorce or seperation.

 

I love my husband so very much, this is just killing me. He swears he has bi-polar and that doesn't matter to me in the least bit. He has been here for me through my depressions. He seems to think that he is doing the right thing by running away from the relationship. I'm not the first girl he's done this to, but I'm the only girl that wont let go. That's what he keeps telling me to do is to let go and walk away and I just can't do it no matter how hard I try.

 

I seriously feel like he died and I'm mourning him and I feel stupid when I say that, but I can't explain the pain any better than that other than it feels like a billion little people running around inside of me kicking me and stabbing me with swords. I hope that you guys can help me and give me some words of wisdom. I am in therapy and have been for the last 2.5 years and my therapist is wonderful, but I want someone who knows exactly what I am going through as well. Thank you so much for reading my post and I hope to hear from someone soon.

Kathi

[FlyingHigh]

This isn't the first time this has happened since we were living together as boyfriend and girlfriend, but this is the worst time AND he is definatly NOT changing his mind.

Why does he do this? Does he have abandonment issues? I'm no psychiactrist, but people who have these issues have been left or abandoned by loved ones (by death, parents divorced, or just plain left him) at a very early age. Overtime, they develop a defense mechanism out of fear of being left again even into their adult life.

 

By extending his tour of duty, it could be his way of protecting himself from not being abandoned by you. Do you know what his childhood upbringing was like?

 

Has he seen an IC for this? If he is and has the issue above, he will need to seek IC when he returns.

 

Otherwise, if he has nothing in his childhood that would cause him to drive you away, the only possible explanation would be if he is having an affair. But before you drop into this conclusion, delve a little into his family background.

 

We are ALL the sum product of our upbringing. Good luck. He is fortunate to have your love. Hopefully he realizes and appreciates before he loses it.

[anna13]

Hi , welcome to this place. Our situations are different but I am sure the pain is very similar. Did he say he did not Love you ? or did he just say he wanted a divorce? Is the main reason for him wanting to get a divorce his bi-polar disorder?

Your situation is extra difficult since you are litterally worried for his life and at the same time trying to mourn his decision of divorce. It seems to me so unfair to drop something like this on you and then leave for Iraq.

so you are still married at the moment right? so just deal with things one thing at a time. what did you say to him when he said he wanted a divorce? did you agree ? was the divorce finalized? sorry for all the questions, i just want to know more information before i give any thoughts on it.

[dyinginside2376]

In response to FLYING HIGH, he did have his father pass away when he was like 9 or 10. That devistated him because he was very close to his Dad.

 

His Mom was married a few times after that but divorced when things didn't go right, so I feel he didn't get the impression that you have to work through things, ya know? However, I love his Mom to death, she is a miracle and precious to me.

 

No he's never gotten diagnosed for bi-polar but he knows he has it and swears by it.

 

I don't claim to be perfect and I surely don't claim to be an angel in the relationship, but I do love him and I am dying so bad right now. It's been 2 months since he told me he wanted a divorce and I'm still sick to my stomach and all torn up inside.

 

In response to Anna13, He did say to me when I said I love you, he would say I know. He would tell me that I already know he loves me. So that hurt more than anything as well. Infact when he got on the bus to leave, I said I love you and gave him a hug and he just said I know.

 

I agree with you saying it was unfair to drop that on me and then leave. My therapist agrees as well, I think it was cowardly. I told him that and he said that I think he's a coward for wanting to leave me and He thinks he's a coward for wanting to stay with me.

 

In answer to your question, yes we are still married, but he wants me to serve him divorce papers right now so that when he comes home we'll already be divorced. He even moved all of his stuff into a storage unit before he left. I surely don't agree with the divorce, I do not want it. I want to work on the marriage.

 

Thank you both for your replies and I appreciate them very much.

 

Kathi

[Lor]

why is he wanting the divorce? what reasons did he give?

[Trimmer]

I seriously feel like he died and I'm mourning him and I feel stupid when I say that...

I don't think this is at all stupid, and I think you should accept and honor these feelings and realize that you are confronting a real loss. When my wife left me, I felt very much the same way - it's like a death, only the person actually decides to take themselves out of your life, and worse yet, even flips you the bird on the way out. When someone dies, at least you have the small comfort of believing that you had loved each other to the end...

 

Anyway, this is a real and significant loss - you don't need to apologize for grieving.

 

As far as how long to hang on - I had that feeling too. "If only I can be strong, it will all work out. Accepting this loss would be giving up." I even felt like my accepting the reality of the loss would be a kind of a betrayal of our marriage - even as she had already announced that she was leaving, and there was no way back. It's a tough call. If this is a behavior pattern in his life, then he's going to have to (1) realize the problem and (2) be willing to work to fix it, or else nothing you do will really do much more than delay the inevitable. I'm not saying that to be a downer, but has he given you any real indication that there is any possibility of him reconsidering?

[anna13]

In response to FLYING HIGH, he did have his father pass away when he was like 9 or 10. That devistated him because he was very close to his Dad.

 

His Mom was married a few times after that but divorced when things didn't go right, so I feel he didn't get the impression that you have to work through things, ya know? However, I love his Mom to death, she is a miracle and precious to me.

 

No he's never gotten diagnosed for bi-polar but he knows he has it and swears by it.

 

I don't claim to be perfect and I surely don't claim to be an angel in the relationship, but I do love him and I am dying so bad right now. It's been 2 months since he told me he wanted a divorce and I'm still sick to my stomach and all torn up inside.

 

In response to Anna13, He did say to me when I said I love you, he would say I know. He would tell me that I already know he loves me. So that hurt more than anything as well. Infact when he got on the bus to leave, I said I love you and gave him a hug and he just said I know.

 

I agree with you saying it was unfair to drop that on me and then leave. My therapist agrees as well, I think it was cowardly. I told him that and he said that I think he's a coward for wanting to leave me and He thinks he's a coward for wanting to stay with me.

 

In answer to your question, yes we are still married, but he wants me to serve him divorce papers right now so that when he comes home we'll already be divorced. He even moved all of his stuff into a storage unit before he left. I surely don't agree with the divorce, I do not want it. I want to work on the marriage.

 

Thank you both for your replies and I appreciate them very much.

 

Kathi

I think for now you have alot on your mind , his safety and the divorce. I wouldnt give him the divorce. I mean not while he is gone , even if it is inevitable( which it may or may not be) . he is putting alot on you and right now your emotions are in turmoil and he convieniently says to have it ready for him by the time he gets back? oh please. rightnow your job isnt to please him . it is to have some type of control over the sittuation rightnow. meaning , you can give him a divorce if you want to but it doesnt have to be before he gets back . this is what i would do . your still hurt , in shock , and worried about his safety in Iraq ect and worried about giving him the divorce before he gets back and disregard yourown feelings.. i don't think so . that is too much at once for anyone.

he is in Iraq so his focus will be Iraq , he wont be thinking or wondering if you got the papers yet or not. so for now don't even think about the divorce papers. just care and worry about if he will be ok over there. choose to deal with the divorce when he gets back.that way you wont be thinking and worrying about two things at once.

when he gets back even if he doesnt live with you , just don't call him , i am sure he will contact you about the divorce. when he does that is when you say you are not ready and you want to go to therapy together a few times and see if you can salvage what is left in the relationship. tell him if you guys cant resolve things after that you will divorce him. at least you can deal with things one thing at a time, instead of all at once and instead of having everything on his terms which is very self serving on his part. If you have some control over the situation you wont feel so out of control and it will give you some control over the situation which should get you through whatever you will face in the future without feeling like everything is being thrown at you and you have to comply. That would make me angry when he said have them ready by the time he gets back. oh please. He needs to realize that he is not the center of the universe and that you are involved with this process too like it or not for him. Also you have a right to be angry about that. so remember , one thing at a time, and not always on his terms. Just like you can't control what he is feeling or thinkingor doing , he can not controll your thinking feeling and actions. and he will have to deal with that fact. stay strong and you will get support and good advice here. Hold your head up.

 

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Worrying does not empty Tomoro of its Troubles .... It empties Today of its Strength.

[FlyingHigh]

he did have his father pass away when he was like 9 or 10. That devistated him because he was very close to his Dad.

 

His Mom was married a few times after that but divorced when things didn't go right, so I feel he didn't get the impression that you have to work through things, ya know?

Was it his Mom who filed for D whenever things didn't go well?

 

This may explain why he has developed his pattern of leaving and why your marriage is where it is now. He didn't develop the skills to deal with conflicts.

 

In a child's mind at 9 or 10, especially when he was very close to his father AND then his Mom gets married after that, it can be very traumatic. He probably didn't get a chance to understand his father's death, time to grieve and his Mom was the one person he thought he could turn to. But she goes off and marries and her focus has shifted from him to her new husband. To a child, he felt he was abandoned again. This might explain why he expects you to do the same. He's doing the same thing his Mom did to her few marriages. He doesn't know any different.

 

Your H EXPECTS you to leave him the same way his father did and the way his mother left her husbands. It is his way of coping with his inability to deal with conflicts in your marriage and possibly "self-preservation". He also thinks by giving you the option to leave him, he is doing you a favor and may very well thinks he is protecting you from hurting you.

 

So consider his experience as child which may require both of you to seek counseling and IC for him. He will need to address this because he already developed a pattern of making people leave him.

 

The next time he mentions about divorce, ASK him WHY? And then bring up his childhood. Tell him, "Look babe, I love you. You are my soul mate. I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That hasn't changed. I'm not going to be like those other women who left you because you told them to. I know you love me otherwise you would not have asked me to marry you. So I will be here when you come home with a big hug and a kiss because I'm very proud to have you as my husband and to be your wife."

 

Then wait and see what he says. The only deal breaker would be if he tells you he doesn't love you anymore which he hasn't yet. If he tells you he doesn't love you anymore, you have every right to ask him if there is someone else. You know your husband well whether or not he's just saying it to deflect from the real issue (child experience).

 

Good luck. Hopefully by understanding your H's upbringing may give you some peace of mind that his wanting a divorce has NOTHING to do with YOU as a person, his wife or as a woman, but him.

 

TAke care.

[dyinginside2376]

Was it his Mom who filed for D whenever things didn't go well?

 

The next time he mentions about divorce, ASK him WHY? And then bring up his childhood. Tell him, "Look babe, I love you. You are my soul mate. I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That hasn't changed. I'm not going to be like those other women who left you because you told them to. I know you love me otherwise you would not have asked me to marry you. So I will be here when you come home with a big hug and a kiss because I'm very proud to have you as my husband and to be your wife."

 

Then wait and see what he says. The only deal breaker would be if he tells you he doesn't love you anymore which he hasn't yet. If he tells you he doesn't love you anymore, you have every right to ask him if there is someone else. You know your husband well whether or not he's just saying it to deflect from the real issue (child experience).

 

 

Yes, it was his Mom who filed for divorce. I actually think she married once and then was with a man for a long while. Now she is married again. Don't get me wrong because I love his Mom so much. She has been here for me and his family is so loving.

As far as asking him WHY, he tells me why and I have tried to change for every reason he's always told me. (He's done this more than once I think I've mentioned that) It's just that this time, he swears to NOT change his decision and he's being very cruel to me about it.

As far as the 'look babe' comments, I've done that. I've done that so many times and it doesn't work. It tears me apart more than anything. I can't even explain the hurt inside. I just know that no matter what I don't want to give up on him like all the others have and to him that is PSYCHO... To me that is LOVE...

He has not told me he doesn't love me anymore and I know for a fact there is no one else. He doesn't have time for anyone else. They are home for like 4 months and 3 weeks and then they leave for 7 months. There is no way he can cheat on me over there and he doesn't have time to cheat on me while he's home. I fully trust him all though he thinks that I don't.

Last deployment he didn't talk to me for 2 months, he wanted a divorce. (but like I said he is not changing his mind this time)... I didn't know what to do so I called the girl he lived with for a year. It was very akward, but I had to ask her how she got over him. She told me she drank a lot and then she told me some other personal things. She also mentioned that she knew it had to do a lot with him not dealing with his Dads death and she wanted me to keep that between her and I. I had mentioned his promises and she said he was really good at making them and breaking them. There were so many things that he had done to her that he has done to me, the only exception is that I have never given up on him.

I feel like I should. He keeps telling me to let go and walk away. He needs me to walk away. The only problem is that I just can't. This hurts so flippin' bad. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over. My therapist told me not to send him cards or packages and not to talk to him because I told her that I told him until he comes to his senses I don't want him to contact me. She said if I send him things he will think that he still has control over me. Does that sound like the right thing to do?