Baileykeg Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Hello. I've been posting on another portion of this site but thought that I could use a different perspective from some of you because I am at such a loss and I am in so much pain. My story is long but the short version is this: My boyfriend separated from his W eight months before we got involved. He and I have known each other for 20 years and dated in college briefly. He told me he was ready to end his marriage BEFORE we got involved. What began as two old friends talking about a difficult time in his life quickly turned into spending time together and shortly to falling deeply in love. He has always said that he loves me, wants to be a father to my son and wants to have children together. When he separated he moved to another state where he lived for a year. He has since returned to his old job but continues to live separately from his W. We have been together now for 9 months and he has had limited contact with the W. He said that being in another state allowed him to avoid dealing with ending his marriage. Now that he is back he says he is trying to decide what to do. The problem? He says he doesn't know what he wants. He says he loves me but that he has unresolved "issues" with his W and doesn't know how to end the marriage. He's hung up on what the marriage was "supposed" to be vs. what it turned out to be. We can't move forward until he resolves his "issues". I asked if he wants to go back to her and he says he doesn't know. He says he isn't happy with her and that he is happy with me. I told him I don't understand how you can't know whether you want to work things out with someone or not. Am I not looking at this correctly? He says that there are fundamental differences between them and he knows he would have to make many sacrifices of what he wants if he goes back to her. I asked what he meant and he said first he would lose me, may not ever have children of his own (which he really wants and she doesn't) and several other things. I suggested counseling for them and he says he's not committed to that and doesn't believe she is either. I'm at such a loss. He and I agreed to a set period of NC to allow him time to figure things out. We've been doing NC for 10 days so far until I called him today. Here is my post from the other site about today's events: Well I completely fell apart today and called him. I know, I know. I shouldn't have done it. We had a long conversation. He is sticking with his belief that on the date we picked to meet again (Nov. 4th) that he will have an answer one way or another...either he will get divorced or he will try to work it out with the W. I asked how this time of NC will be any different than any of the others in the past. He claims that he has agreed to a "deadine" and knows that he has to put an end to this indecision. He agrees that this limbo is ridiculous and it's time to stop. I asked how he's going to be able to come up with an answer this time when he hasn't been able to make a decision about resolving his marriage for a year and a half...six months before we even got involved. He claims that he has finally gotten to a point where he knows he has to make a decision. He says he's going to have some hard conversations with the W in the next couple of weeks and not let her cry and whine her way out of them making a decision this time. He says enough is enough. He says he loves me and wants to be divorced so we can have our life together. He says though that he has these unresolved issues with the W that he has to get past. I told him that I don't understand why he doesn't know whether he wants to make things work with her. It seems so black and white to me that either you want to be with someone or you don't. Am I just not looking at this the right way?? He says being with her doesn't make him happy. He says that it did in the past but that he doesn't know whether they could ever get back to that point. Again...am I not looking at this the right way....either you want to work it out or you don't. He says that he knows that going back to her would me a lot of sacrifices for him. He would have to give me up, probably give up the hope of having his own children (she 40 and doesn't want to) and several other things. I know everyone is going to say just give it time and see what happens. I've tried doing that for so long. I told him that I really believe that on the 4th that either he will have not made a decision and then we will have to end or his decision will be to go back to her and we will have to end. Either way we end. He says he doesn't know that and if he did then he would tell me now vs. waiting until then. He says he just doesn't know what he wants and that this time will force him to make a choice. I don't want to feel like I've given him an ultimatum. He says he doesn't feel that way and that it is HIS choice to put a deadline on himself and put an end to this limbo for all of us. I've tried making him think that I'm doing more than just sitting here on the couch crying. I told him that I had gone out with someone else and that I would continue to do so. I told him that right now the other person is filling my time but that perhaps in time that would change. The other guy knows about my situation and is willing to be there for me even if it's just to help me get stronger. My questions to all of you.... 1. What are your thoughts on my situation? 2. What do I do now? 3. How do I wait it out and hope that on the 4th he won't be coming to tell me that we're over forever? 4. Am I wrong to believe in all the things he has told me about how much he loves me and how happy I make him? He says that he knows we could have a wonderful life together once we get past this stuff because we make each other so happy. 5. Is there anything I can do to save us?
FlyingHigh Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Follow your head. Your MM is stringing you along using. Problem is you're too emotionally invested in it to see the "reality" of this affair. My WH (XHTB) used the same line: 1. I'm not happy in my marriage. If that's the case, then why wait years to "decide" to divorce their wives. 2. I'm not sure what to do. But they sure KNEW what to do when they decided to go outside their marriage. 3. I will leave my wife. WHEN? You have a child. But you're in love with a fantasy. He's married and still is. You have 2 options: 1) stay and keep hoping and praying he will eventually leave his wife. 2) move on and find someone who will love you FULL-TIME!
anna13 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 quote from you .... "My questions to all of you.... 1. What are your thoughts on my situation? 2. What do I do now? 3. How do I wait it out and hope that on the 4th he won't be coming to tell me that we're over forever? 4. Am I wrong to believe in all the things he has told me about how much he loves me and how happy I make him? He says that he knows we could have a wonderful life together once we get past this stuff because we make each other so happy. 5. Is there anything I can do to save us?" ok, some perspective for you, from what i see the pain you feel is the same pain his wife is feeling. You both Love him but he is not devoted to either of you , and he says he doesn't know who to be with.. this guy is something else , causing such great pain to 2 women at once. I am sure he Loves his wife , if he didnt he wouldnt be married to her still a year and a half later. not to say that he doesnt love you , maybe he does. my husband and I are seperated 2 weeks now and I can't tell you how much pain this lady is probobly going through too. he isnt pittying her right, he is saying he doesnt know and that there are things to work out. what he is working out is if he really wants to leave the marriage. but I am not one sided here ( even with my current situation) ... if you were a friend of mine, I would tell you to let this guy go . If he truly Loves you he will end his marriage with his wife. and come and find you . you could tell him that you dont want to see him again untill he has divorce papers because it is just causing you too much pain which i am sure it is. you dont want to be with someone who has not completely let go of his last relationship. because it will always taint your relationship together. Love has no time limit , what i mean is that just because you tell him you dont want to see him again till he gets the divorce finalized, that doesnt mean that he will come back in a month or 2 . because we dont know how long it will take him to resolve his feelings. till then you should date others like you are doing . that way you have the peace of knowing that if he wants to truly be with you he will come foryou . not that i want you to wait. i think you should move on with your life and when and if he comes back you can make your decision then if you want to be with him or be with whoever you are with at the moment. so let me try to answer the questions you mentioned ... 1. What are your thoughts on my situation? I think that he has his wife and you on the same boat and it is best to jump off till the waters have settled. 2. What do I do now? tell him that you are going to move forward with your life without him and when he does get the divorce finalized then tell him to come seek you. ( if he really loves you , you will not lose him this way). 3. How do I wait it out and hope that on the 4th he won't be coming to tell me that we're over forever?don't wait it out. . tell him your moving on , your putting all the stress on your head it is on his actually. 4. Am I wrong to believe in all the things he has told me about how much he loves me and how happy I make him? He says that he knows we could have a wonderful life together once we get past this stuff because we make each other so happy. I don't think you are wrong to believe what he says but I would definitly believe it but you know that this is too painfull for you . and you want to know what his decision is because you cant be with someone who won't let go of his prior relationship. it isnt about believing him i think it is more about what you will tolerate and wont tolerate, and being with a technically married man is something you do not want right?. 5. Is there anything I can do to save us? It isnt you that has to save you two. It is him . he is the one who holds the decision in his hands. take this responsibility off your shoulders and put it on his . you have given him your Love , he is the one holding back part of his Love. anyway , I hope that this helps you with what you are seeking . ,
Author Baileykeg Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 Thank you. I have told him that I will move on with my life. I told him that I was starting to see someone else and while right now my heart is with him and this person is just filling my time that I couldn't say in time that that wouldn't change. I told him we could talk on the 4th and I would see how I felt. He says he will have made his decision by then. I am so scared that he won't come back to me. He goes back and forth on his resolve to get divorced. Last comment was that he was 75% certain that his marriage would end. I don't understand and never have throughout our relationship what it is that he is hanging on to. I know I only have one side of the story but it's not like he's ever painted her out as a monster. He says that they just have fundamental differences that he doesn't beleive they will ever be able to resolve. One of the biggest issues is children. He wants several. She doesn't. He and I have talked about having children and he has stated several times that he wants to be a father to my 2 year old son. The past year I have seen more and more of the two of them drifting apart from each other. He no longer pays her bills, the don't share a cell phone account anymore, he bought a new car without her, etc. Why then is he holding on and not willing to move forward with his life? What is it that I am not understanding here?
anna13 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 he isnt ready to let go of his wife .. he is saying fundemental differences but he wont divorce ? he is financially seperated himself but he still wont divorce? it doesnt make sence to me either. so he has no children with his wife now? if he has all there is to that is visitation agreement , if he has no children with her then he has no true reason he just plain still Loves her . I dont think he would want to tel you that he still Loves her straightup because he may be afraid to lose you. he saidhe is sure 75% that his marriage would end? so 25% chance it will not , and if it doesnt end that means he Loves her. he will definitly not tellyou he loves her because just imagine if he did tell you that ... what if he said "I still Love my wife and I just can't let go of her rightnow " or "I Love her and can't do this to her right now" i am sure he knows you will not exept that. plus .. maybe he is telling you that he wants to end the marriage.. maybe his wife wants to end the marriage? because she doesnt want children? I dont know but something to think about. maybe he wants you there just in case he can't work it out with his wife. just let him go for now , If he Loves you he will find you I promise , and you dont have to wait forever , just give yourself a time limit for him in your head . dont tell him what it is could be 6 months a year ... but when that limit comes choose to move on with your life. and dont think of him until you ever see him again .
FlyingHigh Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Thank you. I have told him that I will move on with my life. I told him that I was starting to see someone else and while right now my heart is with him and this person is just filling my time that I couldn't say in time that that wouldn't change. I told him we could talk on the 4th and I would see how I felt. He says he will have made his decision by then. I am so scared that he won't come back to me. He goes back and forth on his resolve to get divorced. Last comment was that he was 75% certain that his marriage would end. I don't understand and never have throughout our relationship what it is that he is hanging on to. I know I only have one side of the story but it's not like he's ever painted her out as a monster. He says that they just have fundamental differences that he doesn't beleive they will ever be able to resolve. One of the biggest issues is children. He wants several. She doesn't. He and I have talked about having children and he has stated several times that he wants to be a father to my 2 year old son. The past year I have seen more and more of the two of them drifting apart from each other. He no longer pays her bills, the don't share a cell phone account anymore, he bought a new car without her, etc. Why then is he holding on and not willing to move forward with his life? What is it that I am not understanding here? He is telling you what you want to hear...just enough for you to hang around as a "back up" in case his Wife kicks him out. So he is having his cake and eating too. If it were YOU he truly loves and wants to be with and with no kids he has no motive to stay with his wife other than that he LOVES HIS WIFE. He loves you for different reasons, but not enough to leave his wife for you. He says he wants to be a Dad to your child, but honestly, when you start scractching the top layers of truth, he probably isn't ready for the "instant family" and is not ready to take the financial responsibility of raising a child. He won't tell you that. AND he certainly WILL NOT tell you that he loves his wife. But, his ACTIONS speak volume. Besides, would you want a guy who cheated on his wife? And would you want a guy who was given the opportunity to leave his wife and didn't but only came to you if and when his wife finally kicks him to the curb? Would you want a guy by "default?" If you do, it begs the question of your self-worth, doesn't?
Author Baileykeg Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 He has told me that he loves her. He says that is part of the reason why he's having a hard time letting go. He's in love with what she used to be but knows in reality the person she is now is truly who she is and not the "fantasy" person that he married. It's not about her kicking him to the curb. She agrees that they need to divorce too but says that it's difficult letting go. I agree it's a messed up situation for me to be in. I know he loves me and I believe that he has been honest with me about everything. He says that he is not happy with her anymore and that he can't be himself like he can with me. I still don't see how he's going to be able to make a final decision in the next three weeks but he assures me that he will. I either have to wait it out or decided to move on between now and then.
FlyingHigh Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I caught my XHTB lie to his OW. And you know what, his OW believed him. That's why the OW is still hanging on. You only know what he tells you. He will only tell you what what he needs to tell you. Why don't you do a conference call with his wife with him present and ask her exactly what's her side of the story. Maybe it might just push this dude to make up his mind instead of playing you both!
anna13 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Does his wife know about your relationship with him? so that 25% chance that his marriage will survive means that his wife never knows that he had an affair ( actually a Love relationship with you) for over a year? if she doesnt know , what kind of person does that make him . now i am not saying that you too never will work relationships start all kinds of ways. but just want to give you different sides to it too . your going to make yourself crazy thinking about "the day" so try not to although I know that it is hard..
dgiirl Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 You really have no choice but to wait it out. The only other thing you can do is to decide to end it now, but what if he comes back commited to working it out with you? If he's done this in the past, made you sit in limbo, then i'd say he was a cakerman. But from what you've described, he's simply confused. Give him time to sort out his thoughts and in the meantime, start focusing more on you and less on him
Author Baileykeg Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 Yes, his W knows about me. She knows that he and I have been together for a very long time. She told him that she was seeing someone else too (although I suspect she is lying). I know he loves her and cares about her because he is a good person and doesn't want to hurt anyone. I know his actions are hurting both her and I right now though. He knows that too and says he is committed to putting an end to this drama and making a decision. He called me last night to say that he really misses me. I didn't know it was him calling or I wouldn't have answered. I asked if we still needed to talk on the 4th and his reponse was yes, if not sooner. I didn't ask what that meant and just left it at that. As far as I know we won't talk again until then and on that day I don't know what is going to happen. I tend to beleive based on his past indecisiveness that nothing will change and he won't have any big decision one way or another. That's not what I want but at this point I don't have any control over what he is or isn't going to do. It makes me very sad.
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