Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 This is cool.. A thread bashing people who give advice to others ... Or a slightly different take would be : A thread bashing people who look to be bashing others ... Advice to some is bashing to others.. Bashing to some is advice to others.. How can anybody win ?
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 As a OW I am feeling like a fool today... Being an OW doesn't make you a fool.. it makes him the fool.. Most OW's are the victim's and sometimes they never see it that way..
UnknowingOW Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 As a OW I am feeling like a fool today... Do NOT feel like a fool! And do not take the role of a victim either. Take this as a learning experince...learn from it and move on with your life.
pricillia Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Being an OW doesn't make you a fool.. it makes him the fool.. Most OW's are the victim's and sometimes they never see it that way.. Thanks AC! I just don't want to go through my time here being a victim...I am in love with him, I understand what you mean. I don't know what is worse being alone or being a victim...just dealing with the self respect issue right now, I would like to bring all of my feelings up with him but he does not like confrontation or hearing the hard truth. I am struggling right now with this.
Jane Doe Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Here's my $.02. First of all, when you post a topic, you're putting yourself out there for all kinds of replies; be it support, being made fun of, or being bashed. No one can respond to something that you didn't post. I'm a to-the-point type of person. When I talk in real life, I soften my words and use non-verbal communication to show that I'm not being ugly. All we see here of each other are typed words. We're can't decipher if someone is being sarcastic, has a dry sense of humor, or is being malicious. Sometimes something can be posted with the most honorable and compassionate intentions at heart but they can come across as being cruel. When you're in the middle of a situation, relationship, crisis, or whatever, you're blinded by your emotions. You can't see things clearly at all, whereas someone who's completely disconnected from it has great clarity and vision. Being blinded as you are at that time, you're also going to be hypersensitive and your vulnerabilities will cause you to misread good intentions and wisdom. A lot of people here have gone through the exact or similar situations as what they see posted and they may vehemently try to prevent a poster from making the same mistakes they did. Yes, it may appear they're bashing or being cruel, but I don't think that's always the case. And finally, it sometimes comes down to this: The truth hurts.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think that bashing is when someone deliberately posts something that Number 1 doesn't even address the question of the thread and is mostly to make themselves feel superior to another without giving any meaningful or helpful advice... Pricilla: Don't feel like a victim...tell him how you feel...and their are worse things than being alone...
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I just don't want to go through my time here being a victim... That is why posting here and getting advice is good for you.. You are only a victim when he has the power and by posting and receiving advice that you can use to regain the power. If the advice that doesn't fit or you can't use then just ignore it.. Also advice that doesn't help one may help another.. There are many posters and many guest surfers on LS seeking advice.
Craig Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 i really want to know...Why does coming here feel like more of a bashing session on the OW/OM then support?Sometimes support doesn't feel good.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 YouSaveMe: I know what you mean...the "idea" of the OW forum is that you can come here and be around others who are in similar situations and that you can speak freely...but then people who feel you should "see the light" can be rather harsh and others downright rude...but you just have to take what you need and ignore what you don't...
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 This is why many OW left LS and apparently joined a site specifically just for OW/OM. This whole site is big and one section for OW/OM just means that people from all over are going to read and comment.
lovernotafighter Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 This is why many OW left LS and apparently joined a site specifically just for OW/OM. This whole site is big and one section for OW/OM just means that people from all over are going to read and comment. yes, it is because of this bashing that goes on... many people who say it's harsh advice rarely share how they retained such wisdom if they did I believe many ow/om's would take there 'advice' a little less as bashing if it is in fact meant as advice..
PoshPrincess Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 i really want to know...Why does coming here feel like more of a bashing session on the OW/OM then support? I have to say I am grateful for any comments (bashing included!) however harsh. As someone else said, "the truth hurts" and yes, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I think it's good to hear what the Ws have to say - sometimes we need that reality check! And let's face it, who can blame them for having a go? I suspect I would do the same if the shoe were on the other foot. I certainly won't be in the habit of bashing the W though as at the end of the day I still feel that they are the victims in all this. Whatever problems there are in a marriage, I still don't think there is any excuse for cheating. Problems should be addressed before things get that far and if they can't be solved then maybe the marriage should end. I cheated on my LTP which is why I decided to end the relationship. Sorry, not trying to take the moral high ground here in the slightest (I am now an OW after all!) Every sitch is different. One thing I will say is that I can't possibly morally justify being the OW, however much I love my MM. Unfortunately I can't completely give him up - yet!
outofdarkness Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 in my opinion, it's because you might not come to this thread/forum with a completely open mind...and also, it's just plain hard to hear/see the truth...These posts are just their opinions on your question or comments. They should be taken as such, just THAT person's opinion...Mabey you're not feeling secure enough with yourself and/or the relationship..to handle the differing opinions right now...Sometimes it helps to take a break from something and go back later with a more open mind...Hope this helps..
Author yousaveme Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 i'm very glad i posted this thread...Maybe it can clear the air in this forum. And help others out. The situtation OW/OM are in are very emotional and at times just plain mentally exhausting. I hope everyone finds what they are looking for and wish you all the best in whatever you wish to do in YOUR individual situtations.
ataloss Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think more often than not OW/OM get bashed more than helped because in general people want and need to feel like those of us who fit in that category are "bad." How many times have you heard the BS putting most, if not all of the blame on the OW/OM? Take for example the case of H2T, he had an A and was caught, wants his marriage to work, but can't get her even look at why the A began in the first place so that they can begin to fix the marriage. I guess in short, what I'm trying to say is OW/OM are scape goats. Most people assume we begin an A because we are spiteful, mean, bitter people, when in actuallity, most of the time, the MM/MW just fulfilled a need that maybe we didn't even know we had. Ask the question, "how many OW/OM can pin point when exactly the relationship began?" It's usually something that was built over time and in alot of cases wasn't even realized until there was serious emotions involved. Just my $.02
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Ask the question, "how many OW/OM can pin point when exactly the relationship began?" It's usually something that was built over time and in alot of cases wasn't even realized until there was serious emotions involved. But, it's still a choice by both the OW/OM and the MM/MW to actually have an affair. I can understand the feelings involved, unexpectedly...But it's still a choice to pursue and let it grow more serious.
ataloss Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 But, it's still a choice by both the OW/OM and the MM/MW to actually have an affair. I can understand the feelings involved, unexpectedly...But it's still a choice to pursue and let it grow more serious. To physically act on the emotions that have become stronger over time, often without concious knowledge of the participants, maybe. But the emotional side, I totally disagree, it's not something tangible so to speak, like sex so people don't just say "hey, I'm not getting any at home so I'll find it somewhere else." Most people fall into it over time without even realizing the feelings they are developing for the other person until it kinda slaps them in the face. Then it's like torture, good vs evil, right and wrong. All of the sudden they realize that the one person that they've come to depend on, come to love, long for...the one that makes all of the bad days right is wrong / immoral. It isn't human nature for us to inflict pain on ourselves, not intentionally anyway.
not a bad person Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I have been reading the threads here for awhile and I have opted not to put my story out there for people to abuse me based on an unfortunate situation I find myself in. It seems that many who see the title of this forum: The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner. read that to mean that they can come and tell us we are bad people out to ruin marriages and families. Funny how some who have never been in the situation, know exactly what we should be doing. What I have discovered from reading is that most OW are women who love a man, feel deeply about him and how the situation is affecting his wife and family, and we all seem to wish it were different, and very few set out to capture a married man. In the case of many, these are men who are struggling with their obligations to W and family that are totally contrary to what is in their hearts. We OW are trying to support them in their decisions. Sometimes that means NC, but that is not always the answer, though it seems to be the only one people offer. There seems to be little or no support for those of us who are staying with these men. No recognition that each situation is different. No belief that the man is not a 'cake-eater'. We are apparently these bad people who deliberately seek out a lying cheating jerk who should stay with his wife no matter what. Not always the case. Thank you for saying this. I'm not sure if anyone realizes how many women out there are in the same position but are still afraid to come forward even under the anominity of a screen name. Affairs are painful. Most women are not bad people. They think they are in love and develop a REAL problem because they know how wrong it is and don't want anyone to get hurt. They want out but they can't deny feelings. The bashers don't understand that these are not bad people and they should hate the sin - not the sinner.
NearlyThere Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Dont know if this is a bit off topic or not, however, thought would post it. Read this in a magazine today called, Psychologies. UK edition. The Features was called, Why Relationships End, it was an interesting feature in general, but one part of it was called, He's had an affair. This is what is says's. Hope it is ok for me to quote it. "Most men and women feel that infidelity is non-negotiable. Yet, unpalatable though it may sound, when one partner is unfaithful, both are implicated. 'There's never just one person to blame', says Dr Avi Shmueli. This is worth bearing in mind, considering that statistically around half of all married men and women will have extra-marital sex. According to Balbir Chager, resolving an infidelity requires self-awareness on both sides. 'The tendancy is to blame each other rather than ask, "What have I been doing?"' she says. Contrary to Hollywood films - think Fatal Attraction where Michael Douglas meets an unhinged Glenn Close - affairs don't just arrive out of the blue, destroying an otherwise idyllic relationship. 'Affairs are a symptom of something else going on,' says Chagger. 'It's a breakdown in communication; an inability to understand what makes the other person feel loved. Relationships can endure infidelity, but both sides have to be willing to be really honest about what led to the breakdown'. 'The person who was unfaithful has to prove themselves trustworth,' adds Suzie Hayman, 'while the one who was betrayed had to accept and acknowledge their partner's effort to repair the relationship.'
Joelle Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 i really want to know...Why does coming here feel like more of a bashing session on the OW/OM then support? Jumping in late here. I just want to say I agree with you. There's a difference between destructive criticism and constructive criticism. In my opinion, I see more destructive criticism around here than constructive criticism. Constructive criticism can be considered support, but destructive criticism is not.
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 There's a difference between destructive criticism and constructive criticism. See.. here lies part of the problem..you have already decided that it was criticism and not advice Whether or not advice is even criticism is all subjective.. Advice to one is criticism to the next.. So.. even if people agree that it is criticism then what is constructive to one person can look destructive to another.. It is all in the viewpoint that you are looking at it from to whether or not it is helpful or not. I happen to fall on the side that all advice is good... that way it lets the poster make his/her mind up on what to use and what to discard
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 How can a decision be made if all sides are not considered ? If a poster only gets advice that they want to hear then it really isn't advice.. When I make decision I like to know all sides so as I can make a decision based on information gathered on all sides.. otherwise I am making an uninformed decision instead of an informed one.
NoIDidn't Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Getting in to this a little late, but wanted to add my 2 cents. I have never been the OW to a MM, but I have dated several guys in otherwise committed relationships (engaged, bf/gf, etc.). So I have a decent idea as to where these relationships usually end up. Its unfortunate that so many OWs feel that they are being bashed, when they are being told the (stastical) truth - sometimes harshly. I make no apologies for telling it the way *I* see it. And that's just it. It is my opinion that I post. Another person posts their opinion as well. Its an inconvenient truth/opinion that most of general society, no matter what country you are from, does not think that someone participating in an A needs support. We simply think: end it. So that is the opinion of most of us that are not in an A. Hate to be the lone desenter. But do note, that I am speaking for myself.
pricillia Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think that for the most part this forum is very helpfull, people are compassionate, but not to a fault they try to put themselves in others shoes and give good advice. They use humor, understanding and sometimes tough love. Bashing maybe but things come across different in print. For those though that don't agree with a popular opinion or are just down right mean I guess those opinions count as well, there is always one in every group LOL, (Guests) I think that there are very smart funny and talented people that are members of this site. I like the different view points and sometimes read things out loud and have a good laugh because it is so brilliant! I have appreciated all the support in my pathetic situation as well.
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