precious99 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I broke up with my BF of 10 months today. We are technically calling it "taking a break" - any ideas what this means? Anyways it had been heading south for a while - we have been arguing like crazy and when I say arguing I mean me trying to talk to him about things and him shutting me out. I have no idea what is going on with him - he excludes me from certain parts of his life and has taken to yelling at me frequently (although he says that he is really yelling at himself in frusteration because he is not able to express his feelings verbally) So then yesterday - its Thanksgiving here in Canada - and we went to an arts and crafts show with his parents. Well all was well and we were having fun (for the first time in a while) and he runs into some friend from work - well he stands there and talks to this guy for like 20 minutes while we are all waiting for him and doesn't even make a move to introduce me at all - then an hour or so later we run into an ex of his and the same scenerio unfolds - in fact it was his mother who told me who she was he didn't even mention it to me at all. I should tell you that this has been a running theme in our relationship - while I get along famously with his parents he will often exclude me from functions with friends and extended family members. This type of behaviour makes me feel like I am an embarrassment or a "dirty little secret" and I don't get it at all - I'm a great person and I'm certainly not anything to be embarrassed of. So today when I tried to talk about it with him - he again shut me down with "I don't know how to talk to you" and "I can't help you these are your insecurities" (And I should tell you that yes I have insecurities - Until two tears ago I was the fat girl that was ridiculed and made fun of - so I do carry that mentality around with me sometimes. But I have lost alot of weight and I feel great about myself - usually anyways) But am I crazy to feel like his behaviours are perpetuating my insecurites. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself and I am looking for honest feedback - but I had a handle on it and then when things like yesterday happen it sets me back and I feel miserable. So, anyways I finally saw it today and I realized that I needed some time off to get myself back to that heaslthy place that I was in not so long ago. So what I'm looking for is advice but also can someone please tell me what happens now....do I wait for him to call me, do I cut off all contact altogether, what is my next step. Thanks to anyone who replies.
Ruff Ryder Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Shame girl its not a nice thing to go through..... What can I tell you? I could say it will be fine with time but thats not what you want to hear right now. I could say it will come right and you will be happy with him again but I couldnt say that and be certain about it. I could say you sound very nice and very kind and on that note I can tell you that you deserve happiness and a good loving relationship. I can tell you that you will be happy again. I can tell you that you will find a better partner. I can tell you that life does carry on. I can also tell you that it is going to be hard at first. I can als tell you that a break in most terms is not a good thing but there are cases that they are great things. I can also say dont wait around fo things to come right you may miss a chance to be happy. Hmmmm not to sure what your looking for here. I think you want to know if its going to be ok? Well thats a decision only you can make. It doesnt sound like the ideal relationship at all and if you make it work its going to take alot of time and effore and work. Some things are better left alone. It is easier in some cases to walk away that to try and understand. He didnt sould like the type of man you want to build your life arround. Sorry to say this but you seem reallly nice and level headed so my opininion is to walk away from this typ of relationship. Ask questions here you will get the answers you want.
D-Lish Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 It doesn't sound to me like you are happy in your relationship with this man. He doesn't make you feel secure and safe like a healthy relationship should. Why not take this time to work things out with yourself? Come to terms with the fact that you deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills you. You've obviously made the choice to take space from this guy because you feel something is missing for you. Start figuring out what that is. I also suspect that you have initiated the break up in order to shake things up a little- like doing something a little drastic to get his attention. SO, should you wait for him to contact you? Yes. You may find that after a break that you don't want to be with him anymore. And if he doesn't contact you- then you have your answer too- he wasn't worth it in the first place. Good luck! D
Ruff Ryder Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 D-lish is into it right there. Take the advise its solid....
Author precious99 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 Thank you for the replies - you will never know how much your kind words mean right now. I know that this is the time that will be the hardest to get through but I also know that the hardest times we face are character and strength building. I wish that I had a magic wand or knew the magic words to make my world right again but soon enough the pain will subside and my heart will mend - better off for loving in the first place regardless of the outcome. Thanks again Precious
Ruff Ryder Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 My attitude after my devestating break up was a negitive terrible one and I held on to everythingas long as I could and ended up hurting myself more. Now I count myself luck cause I know what its like to love someone unconditionally and thats a great thing to have...... Time does heal and teaches us good lessons. You will be fine give it some time and all works out atthe end. You wil make it and b stronger at the end........ Life goes on. Def leppard said it best "to love is easy but it aint easy to walk away." Its true. Everything fades to grey in time.... Take with you the good memories and live a good happy life.
turtle32 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Ok D-lish she broke up with him right? and you told her to wait till he contacts her and if he dont then she has her anwser, but all that is preached on this site if you get dumped no contact so what gives here? I mean i had a situation i didnt show mine enough attention and pushed her away i felt like i should try for her and i sent her a letter and flowers and told her face to face how i felt and have done the no contact and glad i did but now you are saying like this guy i should go after her or she should leave me alone and when i asked all these people on here told me to do No contact i am confused >
D-Lish Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Ok D-lish she broke up with him right? and you told her to wait till he contacts her and if he dont then she has her anwser, but all that is preached on this site if you get dumped no contact so what gives here? I mean i had a situation i didnt show mine enough attention and pushed her away i felt like i should try for her and i sent her a letter and flowers and told her face to face how i felt and have done the no contact and glad i did but now you are saying like this guy i should go after her or she should leave me alone and when i asked all these people on here told me to do No contact i am confused > NC only works if the other person in question wants to get back together. When you love someone and they don't love you back- there isn't anything anyone can do about it. No amount of reaching out or absence will bring the person back. I am giving the advice for her not to contact her bf because she needs to make him miss her. He wasn't giving her enough attention, nor was he meeting her needs- so I suggested she cut off all contact with him for a couple reasons. Firstly- it gives HER time to think if she wants to be with him, Secondly- it creates the opportunity for her to create a longing in him because she isn't responding to him. In a relationship, two people become accustomed to spending time with one another. Whether you're the dumped, or the dumper- it's inevitable that when you move into NC that the person will become aware of not being involved in the other person's daily activities. It becomes a waiting game. If you keep reaching out to someone who doesn't want to hear from you- they will become annoyed and more distant. If you've already reached out and told your love how you feel- you should now step back and go into NC yourself. If you keep running after them- you could push them further away. How has your ex responded to you begging and your promises to change? That might help to give you further advice. In her situation, she wants something she isn't getting and she has chosen to take space from the relationship. If she can apply the NC, perhaps he will start missing her and decide he wants to change- and hopefully come back and become more firmly implanted in the realtionship this time. The bottom line is that whether the dumpee or dumper- if you want someone back, you have to make them miss you. You can't make them miss you unless you become absent from their lives. People want what they think they can't have- they want a challenge. That is the premise NC is based on- creating longing feelings. It isn't a solid method that works everytime- if an ex doesn't want you back there is nothing you can do. BUT, by going into NC, it helps the person who wants to remain in the relationship to move on, to grieve, and to grow from the experience. So even if you don't end up getting back together, by being away from the person- you can hopefully move forward with your life. Does that make sense? My ex won't talk to me and I want him more than ever- mostly because I feel so rejected that I am going crazy longing for him... why? because I can't have him! I was even thinking about breaking up with him- but he did it first and moved immediately in to NC with me. That's the psychology of a break up. When you make someone think you don't want them- they'll wonder why. If they see you are happy without them, it will stir up unresolved feelings in them. If they are accustomed to you contacting them regularly, and then you stop... they will start to think about that. NO ONE likes to be rejected- no one. By moving into NC- you are taking control and becoming the rejector. At the very least, it helps to restore the lost power you might have experienced if you were dumped. Hope that explains things a little. I am in NC with my ex too- and he has never reached out to me. I chased him for a bit, then let it go. The more I don't call him, the better I feel about myself. I know in my situation I will never have my ex back, why? because he's through with me. But I am feeling better and I wouldn't have been feeling better if we still talked because I'd be holding on. So basically, you do it for them- to instill that longing in their minds...but you also do it for yourself- so you can move forward if the relationship is not meant to be. Hope that helps. D-Lish
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