Should i hold on or should i wait?

[xBroken2Piecesx]

I guess i'll start from the beginning. I met the best thing that has ever happened to me around December last year. She's a year younger than me but we have so much in common. We were introduced at a friend's birthday party and exchanged phone numbers. However, i was on a programme that was going to take me away from the country and therefore i had to do a preparatory course in a different city before leaving. At first we started texting. Then we started calling each other up everyday single day. Her voice would be the last thing i heard everday before i slept and the first thing i heard everyday when i woke up. We didn't really talk about a relationship because of us being so far apart. However, i still found time to go visit her during a few weekends and it was great. Then around June this year, i finished my course and had to leave the country. Before i left we spent a week together and that was when i asked her about a relationship. She said 'no' reason being that she's not ready. Apparently she just broke up with her ex before we met at that birthday party and still had some unsettled issues. Her ex also gave her a hard time during the 2 years that they were together so I was understanding at did not pressure her. I told her that i would wait for her and give her all the time she needs. So here i am now in Moscow, Russia. I still text her everyday and call her every now and then. We chat on the webcam during the weekends and it's been great. Here's the problem, she still feels that she's uncertain about what might happen to the both of us in the future. This really bugs me as sometimes she says that she wishes that i was hers but sometimes tells me to keep my options open. To make things worse, her jealous ex hacked into her email account and contacted me. Telling me things that they did before. I called her up and asked her about it. She denied most of them, saying that they're not true. The problem is, that there's so many things that i'm not sure and still blur about her but i chose to ignore them as i love her to bits. But all the things he tells me seem to fall into place. According to him, they still hang out sometimes ( which i dont' mind coz she tells me about it ) and hold hands sometimes. She denies it of course and is really hurt right now. What do i do? Who should i trust? She's having a tough time right now and i've always promised to be there for her but is it better to leave now and let her figure things out? Sorry for the long post. Thanks everyone.

 

Best Regards

[Walk]

THis is just an assumption based on what you posted, and might be off the mark, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

I think because of the distance between you two that it creates distance emotionally between you. Since relationships are so fragile at the beginning, it needs a lot of nuturing in order to really produce a strong flame. And usually that requires physical time together. Not just phone calls and text messages. So although there is something there, it isn't getting the one on one attention it really needs to flourish.

 

I also think she's still some what clinging to her ex bf for the physical support she's missing from you. How far that really goes, I don't know.

 

I think there's probably confusion on her part regarding her feelings for you. Sounds as if she really does like you, but with the incredible distance between you it's difficult for her to feel very close to you. I would think her conflict between whether she wants to be just yours, or to play the field, is in relation to the uncertainty of how it would be if you two could see each other all the time. There is still a lot the two of you don't know about each other and it may be causing her to be afraid to get too close right now.

 

Anyway. that was a bit of a jumpy reply.. sorry. I would suggest you continue to take this slowly, and do as she says, keep your options open. She's an adult and should understand that by saying something like that, that she risks losing you to someone else. When, or if, you ever move back to where she lives, then attempt to strike up a stronger relationship. Until then, you're fighting against not only the physical distance, but emotional distance from uncertainty. Either of those could cause a relationship to faulter.. Both of them combined is incredibly hard to overcome.

[xBroken2Piecesx]

Thanks Walk for the reply. Guess i should update you on what happened this morning. Her ex-bf came online and start chatting with me. He kept asking me questions about me and that girl but i kept my cool and avoided his questions. Started telling me stuff and the things they did back when they were together and asked what i thought of them. This all hurt me very much and he only added fuel to the fire when he started showing me pics of them together. I was beginning to lose my cool and started to let bits and pieces out to him. The final blow came when he told me that they went out together last week, held hands and kissed. I know she went out that day because she i remember her telling me what a great time she had that day and wished everyday was the same. I got so angry that i started telling him things about me and that girl. But we kinda promised to keep whatever we talked about betweent the two us.

 

While talking to him, he seemed like a gentleman and i could understand why my girl was so into him before. But that guy broke his promise and called her up to shout and yell at her over the phone. Now she's hurt because i told him things about me and her. She said in one of her text messages 'u know what hurts me?dat u were ther person i felt most comfortable with and could talk to stuff i've never told anyone before but now i'm afraid to say anything coz u might end up repeating them. maybe now you don't care anyway rite?so forget about it..still, i care about you..sorry for everthing'

Her ex was just trying to keep us apart and i'm afraid he might have succeeded a bit. I'm an emotional wreck right now. What should i do?

 

Best Regards

[Mystic Gohan]

sounds like you have the same problem i have, i am into this girl who i asked out and she gave me the whole lets be friends speech, but then i foound out her last rel.....anyway what i think you need to doo is give her an ultimatum (god i hope i spelt that right) if she really wants you then she will say yes, but if she says no then move on dude, just be friends that way she will always be in your life and who knows maybe later it will happen. please respond to link below:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101010/

[xBroken2Piecesx]

Problem is...i know she loves me too. But because i messed up with her ex and because her ex is giving her a hard time, she just wants to be friends for the time being. I'm really devastated as i was planning to back in December this year to celebrate Christmas with her and was planning to ask her about a relationship again. I just can't believe this all happened in a day. I believe in love. I believe in helping people who have problems in love. But i guess love has no place for me. I know that sounded Cheesy but bear with me. Thanks for the help, guys.

 

Best Regards

[fishtaco]

Right, she loves you so much she went out with her ex and they kissed.

 

Two possibilities as far as I can see:

1) She's playing games with the both of you. She loves drama, having two guys fight over her... OMG it's like orgasm. Who knows, she might even have "accidentally" gave away her password so her ex could break into her email.

2) She's confused and can't decide. Well, if she can't decide that also means she can't let go of her ex. That's why she apologized, she should have done a clean break before starting something with you, but she didn't.

 

Or a little bit of both. So your choices are trouble, trouble, or anything in between.

 

Anyway I think the only thing you can do now is the ultimatum like Mysic Gohan said. Apologize to her for hurting her, tell her basically the same thing you told us. Her ex manipulated you into doing this, and you fell for it because you love her and you were hurt by what she's doing with her ex. Then tell her to break off from her ex clean and be with you. Chances are she'll say no. But a no is better than sitting in limbo wondering.

 

Long distance relationships are difficult already, add this drama and complication, if you can pull this off I will bow down to you. Since you're in Moscow why don't you hook up with a hot Russian chick instead? That'll be a lot easier on your sanity. Try it out. Between now and December when you get back, pretend this is over and put yourself out on the market in Moscow. Once you get a couple of dates and meet a few interesting women, this will all of a sudden seem like a lot less of a big deal. Right now you are putting all of your eggs in one basket -- her; it's a single point of failure, that's why it's so devastating. Even she told you to keep your options open.

[littlekitty]

This is just my opinion, but it sounds to me like she's still into her ex. I'd take a stab in the dark and say perhaps she's just keeping you around for convenience. Someone to talk to, to boost her ego, someone on the side lines when her ex isn't around?

 

I don't think she's being fair on you. In fact I think she's leading you on if she's still going out with her ex and kissing him. The only redeeming thing is she's been honest that she's not sure about a relationship with you. Then again, she didn't tell about all the kissing with the ex now did she?

 

Since you're in Moscow why don't you hook up with a hot Russian chick instead? That'll be a lot easier on your sanity. Try it out. Between now and December when you get back, pretend this is over and put yourself out on the market in Moscow. Once you get a couple of dates and meet a few interesting women, this will all of a sudden seem like a lot less of a big deal. Right now you are putting all of your eggs in one basket -- her; it's a single point of failure, that's why it's so devastating. Even she told you to keep your options open.

 

I agree with the above. Go out, be single, enjoy. If you get back in December and you can make something of it... great. If not, you won't have all the disappointment of holding out for her and not living your own life.

 

PS. Walk.. love the sig line...!!!

[xBroken2Piecesx]

I confronted her about it and she denied everything. Saying that her ex is trying to prevent me and her from ever being together. Now i'm confused about who to believe. I want to trust her because i do still love her. But she says she's really hurt about what i told her ex and wants time to be able to open up to me again. I don't know whether i should but i did promise her once that i would be by her side no matter what and that's one promise i don't intend to break. I guess i'll just give her all the time and space she needs right now but also try to keep my options open. Thanks for everything. Really means a lot to me.

 

Anyway, yeah the Russian Girls are GORGEOUS. Major problem is the language. Not all of them can speak English and Russian is one tough language. Even after a year of intensive Russian language i still don't know the language quite well and having problems now coz all my lectures are in Russian medium. So it'll be a long time before i get to go out with a Russian. Hahaha..

 

Best Regards

[xBroken2Piecesx]

Got another problem now. Her ex-bf is trying to keep us apart by telling her and me all sorts of lies. She knows he's lying but shes having a tough time because of it. I have my hands tied because the last time i told him to stop he lashed out at her and yelled to her over the phone. I'm not there right now so i'm not able to do anything. She also thinks he's very 'evil' to just stop talking to him because he has all sorts of issues or something. I'm really lost here. I just got off the chat window with that ex-bf of hers and i could only watch as he told me all sorts of things that hurt me. I can't do anything. I don't want him to lash out at her because of what i did. Help me... :-(

[fishtaco]

Don't worry about the language barrier. If a Russian babe likes you, she will try as hard as you will to communicate. If you just back off because of the language barrier, then nothing will happen. The great one, Wayne Gretzky, once said, "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take." In fact, always turn a disadvantage to an advantage. Use this angle... you want to practice your Russian, and in return you'll help her with her English... This is an excuse to hang out on a regular basis, plus you won't be sitting around staring at each other -- you can always fall back on introducing more words to each other. Then you work your magic. Anyway, this is step #2. Step #1 is putting yourself out there and identifying women that think you're cute and breaking the ice... Yes, fumbling with your Russian is a way of breaking the ice, if she thinks you're cute then trying to speak to her in broken Russian will sound adorable. But be aware that although not all women are evil, a lot of them are, regardless of nationality. Be careful.

 

So your girl keeps going back to the ex that lashes out and yells at her. What a gem, yet you still want her. She looks like Catherine Zeta Jones or something? Are you sure you want to date this girl? I mean this is a lot of work just for some chick with issues.

[gfto]

Get with a girl who really wants to be with you.

[xBroken2Piecesx]

I wanna thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Just so you know, she has explained everything to me. Apparently, her ex-bf was just trying to cause some tension between us but enough is enough. I'm sick of it and the heart ache. I've decided to let her go. I've finally figured out that it's not worth it when i'm giving her my everything but she's holding back a lot from me. Thanks again everyone.

 

Cheers.