fooled Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 The first relationship since the BIG breakup in January. N have been acquainted for 2 years - just started dating in June - as I was getting healthy from the previous relationship. Things were good for a while. Then I noticed some red flags. She said "I love you" after a month. Lately though, I suspect that she is bulemic and an alcoholic. She's very abuse verbally to her roommate and last night she called me drunk - lied about how she got there and wanted to come over in between bouts of beligerence. She cannot be reasoned with. I called her roommate and he picked her up. She says she has simple partial seizures, on which is on medication - and sometimes if she doesn't take the medicine and drinks - her behavior becomes erratic. I don't know how much of that is true - or is it an emotional disorder? Bottom line is: I don't love her. I don't trust her. I don't know if she's been unfaithful, but it certainly gives me flashbacks. She is most certainly unstable. The relationship is unhealthy. Funny thing is - yesterday morning when we woke up together, she said she had a bad dream that I told her over the phone she was "too much drama." That's pretty much what's going to happen today. A self-fulfilling prophecy? I still feel pretty lousy though, and I continue to wonder why I am attracted to women like this. This sucks.
amaysngrace Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 If you find yourself in destructive relationships, the best thing to do is to figure out why. I've found Al-Anon to be helpful in my self-discovery. That plus many hours soul-searching. But if you haven't done so, start there. It certainly can't hurt.
2sunny Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Hey Fooled! Nice to see you here... I am sorry to hear about your latest situation - but happy that you at least TRIED. You cannot control another person's behavior. What I did was to make a list of the qualities in a person that would be necessary for me to spend time with. If they didn't have the guidelines which I found to be important for my life/happiness, then I didn't continue to spend time with them. Any time I felt that I might question a person I was seeing - I would take out the list and remind myself what basic qualities I had made for a happy life. It seems to be working quite well... try it.... and good luck to you - don't settle for half best!
Author fooled Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 I still haven't done it. We haven't seen each other much - things have been pretty distant. I accepted her explanation, she apologized and said she was taking measures to make things right with herself medically. Last night, she got drunk again - lied about where she was an didn't call when she said she would. She's an alcoholic, bulemic narssisist, who is so afraid of getting old that she acts like a spoiled teenager when drunk. She says she loves me and wants to marry me. I think she just needs the attention. Counselling can't change this type of person. I have too much going on in my life to deal with the drama. She even said to me last night that she is too much drama for me. So, why can't I just break it off? I deserve better. It's only been four months. What is it about me that refuses to let go of lovers who are bad for me?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hey Fooled! Ick. I'm sorry you're having difficulties in this new relationship. The good news is that you sound like you have a clearer perspective on things this time around. You recognize that you attract, or are attracted to, certain traits that are unhealthy for you. I think there is a lot of truth to the idea that we attract partners who have the same kind of unresolved wounds that we do. For whatever reason, this girl is medicating herself and her wounds with alcohol. And perhaps there is something inside of you that feels a need to rescue and fix that sort of person....and that's why you attract that kind of drama to you. Something I have noticed about you is that you seem like a very intelligent and mature man, but for some reason you end up dating flaky, immature women who haven't figured out who they are or what they want. Do you think that subconsciously the idea of dating someone who is on par with you maturity-wise and intellectually somehow scares you a bit? (just throwing that out there) I admit that I too have a similar problem. I tend to attract very emotionally unavailable men. They are usually very well-accomplished in their professional lives....very intelligent in that regard....but somehow deficient in being able to cope with the ups and downs of an emotionally intimate relationship, or committing themselves to anything other than work. I've been in therapy lately and discovered that this comes from the fact that these traits belonged to the primary father figure in my life as I was growing up. I do worry that you will hang on to this recent relationship because you don't want to have a sense of having failed at something again. It's a very mature characteristic to be someone who will stick it out and try everything they can to make a relationship work. But I would say that would only apply to your situation with this girl if you had a long-standing relationship or had made a major commitment to her, which you haven't. Would it not be better, and healthier, to end the relationship while it is still early enough...before you and her become more invested? I might say to stick it out if she was making some effort to change things for herself, but she seems unwilling and emotionally incapable to do so. hugs, jencakes
Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hey Fooled! Ick. I'm sorry you're having difficulties in this new relationship. The good news is that you sound like you have a clearer perspective on things this time around. You recognize that you attract, or are attracted to, certain traits that are unhealthy for you. I think there is a lot of truth to the idea that we attract partners who have the same kind of unresolved wounds that we do. For whatever reason, this girl is medicating herself and her wounds with alcohol. And perhaps there is something inside of you that feels a need to rescue and fix that sort of person....and that's why you attract that kind of drama to you. hugs, jencakes I think jen's got it.. that is exactly why you are attracted to it.. good luck has she ever called you immature or anything else? just a question out of curiousity
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 i love this - its like trash tv... i really haven't seen this level of behind the scenes direct in a while i am always amazed at how many people will over analize things to death then recreate a scenerio - to 'place' there position or 'testing' the audience and the use of props is out standing - 'over the phone' - 'drama' etc. and the soap opera names: franky fooled, jen jen hearties, amazeingmace and each episode always has a new set of actors with a new script - that reacts directly to things posted on this tv show its a hoot - better than dawg fer sure maybe the producers and movie mogals should rexamine what is heathy and what isn't healthy ahhhhhhhh...the wonders of NC productions...you always need market reseearh... you should never go by and believe what people post in chat rooms man its just play time sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh The relationship is unhealthy. Funny thing is - yesterday morning when we woke up together, she said she had a bad dream that I told her over the phone she was "too much drama." That's pretty much what's going to happen today. A self-fulfilling prophecy?
Author fooled Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 Do you think that subconsciously the idea of dating someone who is on par with you maturity-wise and intellectually somehow scares you a bit? (just throwing that out there) hugs, jencakes Hey Jenncakes! No, it just seems they're hard to find out here. This woman is 12 years older than the last, but just as immature. She has never called me that, though. I don't try to rescue her - in fact, I endeaavor to stay as much out of her business as I can. But you're right - I do tend to keep trying too long.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 No, it just seems they're hard to find out here You're just looking in the wrong country, try somewhere other than the U.S. Allright, enough with the wise cracks from me. Just know, you are not alone and it's seems to be more and more hard to find good people anymore.
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