When does the guilt stop? can someone share?

October 9, 2006

Freinds: I am hoping you can give me some insight from your experience. I had an affair three years ago. It ended in disaster as I was caught. I was truly regretful for ALL of the events and fell into a deep depression for about 1 year over what I had done. I felt lower than low. I sought advice from everywhere including "marriagebuilders.com" and I wrestled with the whole idea of was I sorry I did it or sorry for the affair and trying to be honest with myself, could not tell. I listen to everyone say "Are you sorry about the affair or sorry you got caught?"

It's a tough question when it all first goes down because a person feels so much fear at the time. I felt like a horrible person and horrible people are only sorry when they get caught. Of course it would've been easier had I not been caught - but does that mean that my only regreat was that I was caught? It made me feel awful for more than a year. Now that the dust has settled, I feel better in that I can truly answer that question with that I'm truly sorry for the affair. I really wish it never happened as truly nothing was gained. Althought I thought I was in love, I realized later - I wasn't. I was reliving my seccond childhood or something.

Getting caught was VERY painful and what I really wish was that I ended the affair and healed my marriage on my own. But it is what it is and I'm just grateful the affair ended. I think to myself that everything happens for a reason and maybe I needed this big scary experience to shake the sense into me that I apparently so desparately needed. Maybe I never would've ended the affair had I not been caught, gone through a seperation or divorce or something else that I really didn't want, but didn't know it at the time - so if getting hit over the head with a brick is what I needed, so be it - it's what a big jerk like me needed.

Here's my question: The affair is long over. My spouse is even pretty much back to normal. But I can't live with my own guilt having hurt spouse so much - STILL. I find myself bending over backward to keep spouse happy. I cannot take it when spouse is not completely happy. I buy spouse expensive gifts, I let spouse quit the so spouse can follow a dream. I am the head of house hold now. I just can't take the guilt of the pain I caused, but I think I'm also going a little insame. I was leaving for work this morning and when I was saying "call ya when I get to work later" and kissing spouse goodbye, my spouse noticed my routine was a little different than normal. Spouse simply asked about it - like anyone would when they notice a person is doing something different than they normally do.

I got extremely nervous as I did not want my spouse to worry or think I was up to something. I showed my spouse the train schedule and my work schedule. I recieved a strange look in return. But it is SO important to me that my spouse have no fear, no suspicions etc. because I can't manage the guilt of what I did to Spouse 3 years ago. But I also think that my getting so nervous may actually CAUSE the suspicions because I'm acting guilty. Spouse may think I'm doing something NOW as opposed to my guilt being residual from three years ago. My real fear is that I'm not doing anything now, but spouse may think I am and I will have marriage trouble again.

I ask anyone who has been through this. My spouse is OK - why am I not OK? Does it come with time? Why do I still feel like such a horrible person all the time? Why do I still feel compelled to prove my everymove so spouse will not worry. I feel like if I give spouse reason to worry, I fly into an anxiety attack.

Has anyone else goen through this?

October 16, 2006

Well Hon, what else would/should you expect? You committed the Ultimate Love Crime. You're dealing with guilt & spouse is dealing with trust. You both should seek marrige or professional counseling immediately!

October 16, 2006

Gosh, I don't know. For me it's been over two years and I still feel guilty sometimes.

Individual counseling.

October 16, 2006

I don't subscribe to guilt being healthy because I'm not sure it brings change... I think true conviction brings change which seems to be what you've been working on. What you've labeled guilt sounds like self condemnation and penance. Is there something in you that makes you believe you should somehow "pay" for this forever? You screwed up, you seem to have both made really healing strides to recovery.

I agree that individual counseling would be helpful in what you are still battling. Good luck to you.

Disclaimer: The above statement is one person's opinion, that's all, just an opinion.

Freinds: I am hoping you can give me some insight from your experience. I had an affair three years ago. It ended in disaster as I was caught. I was truly regretful for ALL of the events and fell into a deep depression for about 1 year over what I had done. I felt lower than low. I sought advice from everywhere including "marriagebuilders.com" and I wrestled with the whole idea of was I sorry I did it or sorry for the affair and trying to be honest with myself, could not tell. I listen to everyone say "Are you sorry about the affair or sorry you got caught?"

It's a tough question when it all first goes down because a person feels so much fear at the time. I felt like a horrible person and horrible people are only sorry when they get caught. Of course it would've been easier had I not been caught - but does that mean that my only regreat was that I was caught? It made me feel awful for more than a year. Now that the dust has settled, I feel better in that I can truly answer that question with that I'm truly sorry for the affair. I really wish it never happened as truly nothing was gained. Althought I thought I was in love, I realized later - I wasn't. I was reliving my seccond childhood or something.

Getting caught was VERY painful and what I really wish was that I ended the affair and healed my marriage on my own. But it is what it is and I'm just grateful the affair ended. I think to myself that everything happens for a reason and maybe I needed this big scary experience to shake the sense into me that I apparently so desparately needed. Maybe I never would've ended the affair had I not been caught, gone through a seperation or divorce or something else that I really didn't want, but didn't know it at the time - so if getting hit over the head with a brick is what I needed, so be it - it's what a big jerk like me needed.

Here's my question: The affair is long over. My spouse is even pretty much back to normal. But I can't live with my own guilt having hurt spouse so much - STILL. I find myself bending over backward to keep spouse happy. I cannot take it when spouse is not completely happy. I buy spouse expensive gifts, I let spouse quit the so spouse can follow a dream. I am the head of house hold now. I just can't take the guilt of the pain I caused, but I think I'm also going a little insame. I was leaving for work this morning and when I was saying "call ya when I get to work later" and kissing spouse goodbye, my spouse noticed my routine was a little different than normal. Spouse simply asked about it - like anyone would when they notice a person is doing something different than they normally do.

I got extremely nervous as I did not want my spouse to worry or think I was up to something. I showed my spouse the train schedule and my work schedule. I recieved a strange look in return. But it is SO important to me that my spouse have no fear, no suspicions etc. because I can't manage the guilt of what I did to Spouse 3 years ago. But I also think that my getting so nervous may actually CAUSE the suspicions because I'm acting guilty. Spouse may think I'm doing something NOW as opposed to my guilt being residual from three years ago. My real fear is that I'm not doing anything now, but spouse may think I am and I will have marriage trouble again.

I ask anyone who has been through this. My spouse is OK - why am I not OK? Does it come with time? Why do I still feel like such a horrible person all the time? Why do I still feel compelled to prove my everymove so spouse will not worry. I feel like if I give spouse reason to worry, I fly into an anxiety attack.

Has anyone else goen through this?

October 16, 2006

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE]

ARE YOU SEEING AT THERAPIST? ON MEDS? YOU ARE HEADINF RIGHT TWOARDS THE SAME THINGS THAT BROUGHT YOU THAT WONDERFUL AFFAIR

Freinds: I am hoping you can give me some insight from your experience. I had an affair three years ago. It ended in disaster as I was caught.

WHY A DISASTER? AS YOU SAY.,..BECAUSE YOU GOT CAUGHT[/

I was truly regretful for ALL of the events and fell into a deep depression for about 1 year over what I had done.

YOU SURE THE DEPRESSION WAS CAUSED BY REGRET? I DON’T THINK SO BECAUSE OF ALL THE RED FLAGS. I THINK IT WAS CAUSED BY THE ‘OVERWHELMING FEELINGS AND CRISIS DURING THE TIME YOU GOT ‘CAUGHT’

I felt lower than low. I sought advice from everywhere including "marriagebuilders.com" and I wrestled with the whole idea of was I sorry I did it or sorry for the affair and trying to be honest with myself, could not tell. ]I listen to everyone say "Are you sorry about the affair or sorry you got caught?" [sORRY BECAUSE THE THOUGHT PROCESS THAT LEAD YOU TO HAVING AN AFFAIR]

THEY SHOULD BE ASKIONG YOU ‘HAVE YOU DONE THE WORK ON THOSE TRIGGERS?’[

It's a tough question when it all first goes down because a person feels so much fear at the time.

FEAR – TRIGGERS

GOOD YOU SEE A TRIGGER

I felt like a horrible person and horrible people are only sorry when they get caught. Of course it would've been easier had I not been caught - but does that mean that my only regreat was that I was caught?

FROM – LINKAGE - TO

]‘It made me feel awful for more than a year.

A WHOLE YEAR TO DECIDE AN CUT AND DRY MORAL ISSUE. AND YOU DON’T EVEN MENTION WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE – NOT HAVE THE AFFAIR

YOU SHOULD BE SORRY YOU CHOOSE HAVING AN AFFAIR AS A WAY TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS – HAVE U REALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY YOU DID IT YET

I really wish it never happened as truly nothing was gained.

WHY DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD “GAIN” BY HAVING AN AFFAIR

Althought I thought I was in love, I realized later - I wasn't. I was reliving my seccond childhood or something.

Getting caught was VERY painful

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- DOING IT SHOULD BE PAINFUL[/FONT][/COLOR]