Waterfall Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Hi all, to cut my long story short. I had a 5mth Affair to an overseas man, in reality only saw over 4 visits, but we spoke on the phone everyday and emailed everyday. He is a wonderful, wonderful man. However, about 3 wks ago I went over to him, and it just all felt very wrong. I am a married woman and it felt wrong being with him. So I told him that very night it was over, and spent the next 2 days of my trip trying to keep occupied and away from any physical contract, it was hard as this man is very special to me. So decision made I could not wait to get back to my husband... Not that easy as I have come to realise. In my naievty I thought I could fall back into his arms... I have been unable to get physical with him since and I don't know even where to begin, I have never had the kind of s*x life with him where we were totally open and the thoughts of getting down and dirty with him scares me a little. I had a great love life with the OM, he bought out a "wild" side to me, which I would just die rather than show it to my husband. Does anyone else feel like this?? To clear one thing up, I have decided not to tell him about my Affair, personal reasons for this. Thank you for listening.
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Many people will preach to you that in order to survive and affair you need to tell your spouse. I am one that can understand what you are going through. Not everyone has a spouse that will be understanding and want to work through this with you. Further, some have spouses that would react with nothing less than "black violence" if they learn of an affair. I understand you completely and let me tell you that you are very lucky. You have decided that your husband is the one you want to be adhered to. Your husband is the one you want to protect and not hurt. You realized on your own that you don't want to wait until you get caught to handle the question of what to do. Consider yourself very lucky that you have come to those decisions and want to carry on your life with your husband. Go back to him - treat him like a king and get couseling for yourself. Forgive yourself as sometimes the most intelligent people do the stupidest things (affairs of the heart are usually the cause). But find out what made you do it to begin with (issue in the marriage, low self-esteem whatever it is) so you're not tempted again. Consider yourself lucky it ended this way as SO many people have horror stories to tell. Be thankful you got hold of your emotions and got out on your own.
jmargel Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Whether you tell your husband or not, that is your opinion but in all reality it would be very hard to be "open" with your husband in a sexual way like that knowing the hidden secret you keep from him. Instead of filling your voids with other men, why not learn to communicate better with your husband? Until you actually talk & listen to him all you can do is make assumptions, which is never good. Marriage counseling would also help better fill that gap you two have.
Bryanp Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Let me see if I get this straight. You go overseas and have sex with your lover and potentially subject your husband to STD's. You return home and refuse to have sex with your husband and to show continued distain for your spouse you refuse to be honest with him. Instead of being honest with your husband so he would have the choice to decide whether or not he wishes to work on recovery of the marriage; you cut him off sexually and refuse to be honest with him. What is wrong with this picture? I really feel sorry for your husband because you continue to show nothing but contempt for him and your marriage. How would you feel if he was doing to you what you have been doing to him?
Author Waterfall Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 Let me see if I get this straight. You go overseas and have sex with your lover and potentially subject your husband to STD's. You return home and refuse to have sex with your husband and to show continued distain for your spouse you refuse to be honest with him. Instead of being honest with your husband so he would have the choice to decide whether or not he wishes to work on recovery of the marriage; you cut him off sexually and refuse to be honest with him. What is wrong with this picture? I really feel sorry for your husband because you continue to show nothing but contempt for him and your marriage. How would you feel if he was doing to you what you have been doing to him? I always used protection so no I HAVE NEVER SUBJECTED MY HUSBAND TO THIS. I met this man a few times before I ever slept with him. No, I was not sexually active with my husband for a couple of months before this. Our relationship had broken down at this stage, I know now why I "strayed". Don't feel so sorry for my husband, he cheated on me before the wedding but has never ever confessed and never will. Please don't judge me, I am dealing with this as best I can. Guest, thanks for your encouragement, I am happy I made the decision before it ended in horror, but I am not naieve enough to believe this is over, perhaps it would be a good idea for me to go to counselling for me to forgive myself.
Sup Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I always used protection so no I HAVE NEVER SUBJECTED MY HUSBAND TO THIS. I met this man a few times before I ever slept with him. No, I was not sexually active with my husband for a couple of months before this. Our relationship had broken down at this stage, I know now why I "strayed". Don't feel so sorry for my husband, he cheated on me before the wedding but has never ever confessed and never will. Please don't judge me, I am dealing with this as best I can. Guest, thanks for your encouragement, I am happy I made the decision before it ended in horror, but I am not naieve enough to believe this is over, perhaps it would be a good idea for me to go to counselling for me to forgive myself. Saying "Don't Judge Me" is just another way of saying that you don't want to take responsibility for your actions period! What gives you the idea that he did cheat? What if it turns out that he didn't? At least let your husband make his own decisions about his life. What is being done to him IS fraud, IMO
Author Waterfall Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 I know he cheated because I saw him cheat, I wanted him to admit it but he never did. I thought I could get over it obviously i have been unable to. Anyway I don't want to have a row, all I am looking for is a bit of advice on saving my marriage.
Bryanp Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Marriage counseling is a must. Clearly you have had anger issues over your husband's cheating and it is certainly understandable. Things will not change unless you change the dynamics of your marriage relationship which is why marriage counseling is essential if you are really serious. By the way, using condoms does not protect you from all STD's. Call your health department and they will verify what I just told you.
izzybelle Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Hello!!! come on guys, she asked a question.... not for a lecture on telling her H, wether or not he really had an affair, or about STDs. the guest is about the only one who seemed to have any words even remotely trying to help her through this. Waterfall, while i can't totally relate to your exact situation, i do know that different partners unlock different parts of our sexuality. right or wrong, good or bad, it happens. i am puzzled though why you would rather die than let your H see this side of you? and if that really is a side of your sexuality that you enjoy and you don't share with your H that you'd like to explore that side of you (with him), will you just be tempted to stray again? whether you chose to tell him or not is up to you, but counseling for you and both of you may be necessary to give you both the best chance of your marriage surviving. good luck!
Sup Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Anyway I don't want to have a row, all I am looking for is a bit of advice on saving my marriage. The answer? You can't, unless you tell your husband everything, including your affair, then Marriage counseling, but, only if he wants to save the marriage.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 ... I have never had the kind of s*x life with him where we were totally open and the thoughts of getting down and dirty with him scares me a little. I had a great love life with the OM, he bought out a "wild" side to me, which I would just die rather than show it to my husband. Does anyone else feel like this?? To clear one thing up, I have decided not to tell him about my Affair, personal reasons for this. Thank you for listening. You are very selfish. Please leave your husband so he can find a better woman than you. You can do the nasty with someone else but not your H? WTF? You can give another man that kind of pleasure but not the man you supposedly love. Nice. real nice. Cetainly your husband derserves a woman that can be faithful to him and show him her "wild side". ... and that's not you. Got STD? I hope he was many affairs and doesn't tell you a thing about them.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Many people will preach to you that in order to survive and affair you need to tell your spouse. I am one that can understand what you are going through. Not everyone has a spouse that will be understanding and want to work through this with you. Duh.... But every spouse deserves to know and decide if they want to work this out with you or not. But then being a basically dishonest person why would you treat your husband decently? Please don't deny it. You are dishonest and until you admit that you are just kidding yourself. And if your husband cheated on you then he's dishonest too, but does his dishonesty justify yours? Further, some have spouses that would react with nothing less than "black violence" if they learn of an affair.Black violence? Gad... what a world. Living with a conniving, lying louse. And you think he'll never find out. What a fool you live with. What a kind of man would that be? A cuckold. I understand you completely and let me tell you that you are very lucky. You have decided that your husband is the one you want to be adhered to.Too late. Should have decided that earlier. Your husband is the one you want to protect and not hurt. You realized on your own that you don't want to wait until you get caught to handle the question of what to do.Great way to protect him. All I can say for people like this is that your significant other protects you exactly the same way. What ever happened to honest, personal integrity, honor? And you want to be as bad as your husband. Consider yourself very lucky that you have come to those decisions and want to carry on your life with your husband. Go back to him - treat him like a king and get couseling for yourself. If you had any decency, you would tell him and let him decide if he wants to keep you or kick you out. And at the same time tell him you know about his cheating and how much it hurt you. Please don't judge me, I am dealing with this as best I can.Uh, no you aren't dealing with it as best you can. And your husband cheating... so two wrongs make it right? Maybe... but why did you marry him if he cheated? Or why did you stay with him? all I am looking for is a bit of advice on saving my marriage.What makes you think it is possible to save it? Two cheaters deceiving each hardly makes for a successful marriage. IMO, of course. the guest is about the only one who seemed to have any words even remotely trying to help her through this.why would a cheater that won't be honest with her spouse be deserving of any help? Cheating is dishonest and continuing to hide the lie is dishonest, perhaps the even harder part for the betrayed spouse. They've betrayed each other. What's the point? What's to save? A relationship based on a lie? On deception? On betrayal? Come on.. that's not a loving relationship.
Author Waterfall Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 Thanks Izzybelle, nice to know there are understanding people on this bored. Some are a bit Bitter and Twisted, I think! But no harm I just ignore them
Sup Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Thanks Izzybelle, nice to know there are understanding people on this bored. Some are a bit Bitter and Twisted, I think! But no harm I just ignore them I did try to answer your question, you just didn't listen.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Thanks Izzybelle, nice to know there are understanding people on this bored. Some are a bit Bitter and Twisted, I think! But no harm I just ignore them To clear one thing up, I have decided not to tell him about my Affair, personal reasons for this. Kind of says it all about you... had an affair for personal reasons and keeping it a secret for personal reasons. It's all about you... I hope your husband does exatly the same thing to you... he deserves a wild woman he can get down and dirty with. I certainly don't understand people like you Waterfall that can hide something like this from a person you supposedly love, and yet I'd bet if they did the same thing to you, you would be plenty pissed... But then some people just don't care about anyone but themselves. Do they? You want to know how to rebuild your marriage? A marriage built on lies and deceptions? OK, if that's what you want. But don't complain if you find out your husband has an affair...
everlong Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 hi waters, your post had the following heading right? 'how to rebuild your marriage after having an affair' there are a number of red flags i see, and the good thing is there are are correctable. first thing - you say you want to rebuild / repair things and yet you are not really being honest when you say that and you know that by a few things you have said - and these are the things that are causing problems. first - you have not been honest with old hubby and that is where everything starts sliding from there. that is just a continuation of the behaviour that lead to an affair in the first place. so you haevn't even tackled the first thing you have to do - which is tell him. so, by keeping that lie, you are holding on to parts of the affair, the reasons you did - as u state great sex. so holding in the lie, keeps the memory of great sex from the affair from having great sex with hubby - and you say you 'couldn't have wild sex with hubby' maybe because it would remind you of the affair and if you did you might feel guilty that you had an affair when you could have stayed and got it on right at home. there is no reason you can't do that with him other than the fact that showing the 'wildside' is associated with cheating. silly stuff really. and that in turn covers up the fact that you still claim the other man was very special to you...no wonder this doesn't have a chance. how special is someone to you that being with them continues to make you lie, continues to make you pine for them, and block you from sharing what you have discovered part of your sexual being? i think the real problem is you just don't want to take resposnibiity for your actions and all that will do is have u look elsewhere again. come on - this is easy stuff. well think of it this way, a marriage is like a house. and you are living in three house of lies. not telling hubby is a house of straw, thinking about great affair sex and not being wild is a house made of wood - admitting everything and getting the whips out is a house made of bricks
stargazer12 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 A brief back round, I was married for 30 years, my wife passed away 2 years ago. She for 2 or 3 years, did some the most cruelest things, I stayed with her only because I didn't know any better, Had 1 child before A and 2 nore right after it, within 1 year. 11 months apart. I forgave her, though our sex live was good, I never thought of her as a lover, just as mother of the children. I stood by her totally though her illness. Always tried to conceal the fact, of how I felt. Can only feel things that
stargazer12 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 A brief back round, I was married for 30 years, my wife passed away 2 years ago. She for 2 or 3 years, did some the most cruelest things, I stayed with her only because I didn't know any better, Had 1 child before A and 2 nore right after it, within 1 year. 11 months apart. I forgave her, though our sex live was good, I never thought of her as a lover, just as mother of the children. I stood by her totally though her illness. Always tried to conceal the fact, of how I felt. Can only feel things that I feel. She never again cheat so I believe it was not trust, to me just made no difference. Though understand I have PTSD from the very worst days in VN.
FlyingHigh Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Waterfall, If rebuilding your marriage is what you seek, it might be helpful to check out www.marriagebuilders.com. My ba$tard of a H (soon 2BX) had a 2+ year A and lied, lied and lie. You can't rebuild your M based on deception and that's exactly what you are doing by "omitting" cetain "personal" details of your affair. So until you are willing to accept responsibility for what you did your M has a slim chance. You and your H should also seek some MC. Good luck.
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