KittenMoon Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 This is sort of a generalized discussion, because I keep seeing this situation pop up on the boards, as well as experiencing it myself. ------------- There are several LTRs that have ended on this board, where one party has walked away, but then act like they are the ones who have been left behind. In my last thread, I said how I ran into my ex the other night near a bar we were obviously both headed to, and I turned the other direction and left. At which point, he immediately called my house (apparently he had had a couple drinks) and left a message. Since his birthday was today, and I was going to briefly email him anways, I also offered up an explanation for the other night, just saying I thought it best we weren't at the same place. He wrote back saying it "just hurt alot" when I walked away, but he understands why I did. He apologized for calling while intoxicated but that "just wanted to talk" to me. And he said repeatedly how it meant a lot to him that I emailed him for his birthday. In the past, if you know my story, he's been repeatedly ambiguous about things. Such as saying how he was still crying over me (after 3.5 months) and saying he didn't want to get back together but still might want us to still be together, blah blah blah. ( after 5 months) It's been 8 months now. ------------ Outside of my situation, there are several others I can think of who's exes have behaved in the same manner (you know who you are ladies). As if THEY were the ones who got callously dumped, and admitting they still hurt months and months later. Having said they wanted to see what else is out there, but then, well, NOT moving in that direction. Some even begging for attention. THEY left US- so why do they act like this? Is it because they still care, but just don't love? Is it because they just deny their emotions, or are just too lazy to try to mend whats been broken? Is it simply immaturity? What are your thoughts on why the dumpers act like this? (In general, I was just offering up my own situation as an example to illustrate what I'm talking about)
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 1. Is it because they still care, but just don't love? 2. Is it because they just deny their emotions, or are just too lazy to try to mend whats been broken? 3. Is it simply immaturity? 1. Yes, they still care. Just because the relationship is over it doesn't mean the memories of better times are erased. Its a nostagia thing - missing what "used to be" in the face of what "no longer is" for them. 2. Its hard to deny memories even if emotion is no longer there (or is still there, but in a much diminshed capacity). What is broken can't be fixed in the minds of most dumpers, so instead of trying to fix what is broken they dwell on what it was before it was broken - hence the "I miss you" stuff. They don't miss the broken parts, only the parts of the relationship that existed before they fell out of love. They want that back, but can't get over the fact that something caused them to fall out of love so they don't come back usually. They simply talk about it. There isn't enough there to actually act on it anymore. 3. Certain behaviors can be said to be immature, that's for sure - but pining over what used to be isn't immature, just unfortunate especially for the dumpees who fell victim to this.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 An additional question for discussion: Many of these dumpers have put themselves in a "middle of the road" position. They haven't moved on, yet they haven't made any moves to try to restore what has been lost. In some cases, it takes years to get over someone, and in some case, second chances occur and actually work. What factors do you think tip the scales in either direction? Having seen both things occur in real life (most notably for me my ex's friend who was actually present the other night had been dumped by his gf of 5 years, split up for nearly a year when she realized she made a mistake and returned), I've never been able to put my finger on what happens when for what reasons- each situation is obviously unique, but do you think there are some common factors inherent when one or the other situations occur?
ImInPain Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 They are cowards and want a back up person. They cannot be honest and they sometimes just don't want to hurt you. In the end they hurt you more. People should sit down with each other and hash everything out like 2 adults. Keep the emotions out of it if possible and just discuss the issues. Then both parties walk away with a better understanding. Good luck.
bendit Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I don't see them caring about the X one bit. If they really had empathy for the X they would let you move on and heal and find love again. But they don't and you encourage them by taking their calls and answering their emails. Why would they stop when they are getting great "results"? I see them Using you, the X, to satisfy their own selfish needs. Unfortunately many copers, before they finally understand what is Really going on here, play right into their hands and believe that the dumper still "cares" and still "loves" them and only wants you to be happy. That's laughable! What the dumper misses is the "supply" they got from you. Supply is the good emotional love and support that you gave, and they GOT, that propped them up and made them feel special, loved, desired, and "alive" when they needed to feel this way. Well there are times they still need to feel this way or they will someday, so they keep you on a short leash, so that your attention is always close at hand. And you cooperate with all this. Supply. That's what they are fishing for when they come back, and that's ALL they are fishing for. They don't want to get back together! Why would they? They have created the best of all worlds for themselves. The only way they could improve it (for a guy) would to turn you into a FB. They probably are having loads of fun, probably a new SO or at least dating again, and they know you are still pining away for them, unable to move on because they are so great. They know that in a heartbeat, they could suggest reconciling, and you'd come a runnin---because they are so "great". What a feeling of power they must have. They also know they could dump you again, and you'd still take their calls and emails, because, well, he's a great guy. ;-) When they toss off an email to you or leave you a VM, they have decided to take a fishing expedition, and are actually hoping that you haven't wised up yet and will still play the game of "give me more supply NOW!". Most of you continue because of your own issues, your own fears about being alone, and deep seated fears of abandonment. Its really a dance of two people who are bad "enders", who have loads of trouble committing, and would rather have something in between than something solid, substantial, and lasting. But make no mistake. Those of you who continue to play this "game" (and that is all it is to them) with the X that simply goes back and forth back and forth, are Hurting yourselves, and BLAMING the X for your own self inflicted misery. Why does a Scorpion sting? Because that's what they do. Why does an abusive X use you? Because that's what they DO, that is, until you Wise Up. regards
Ariadne Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Hey KM, I'll reply about your situation the way I see it THEY left US- so why do they act like this? He wanted to change the relationship from bfs to friends. You didn't want to be friends so you dumped him as a friend. Is it because they still care, but just don't love? He cares and he loves you, he just wants to do different things now. Is it because they just deny their emotions, or are just too lazy to try to mend whats been broken? You are denying your emotions (that you care for him and want to talk to him) for being selfish, and square, not him. Is it simply immaturity? You are immature in my opinion anyway. What are your thoughts on why the dumpers act like this? Because they still care about the person and are shocked as to why that person wants to act as if she were dead. Ariadne
Author KittenMoon Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 Hey KM, I'll reply about your situation the way I see it THEY left US- so why do they act like this? He wanted to change the relationship from bfs to friends. You didn't want to be friends so you dumped him as a friend. Is it because they still care, but just don't love? He cares and he loves you, he just wants to do different things now. Is it because they just deny their emotions, or are just too lazy to try to mend whats been broken? You are denying your emotions (that you care for him and want to talk to him) for being selfish, and square, not him. Is it simply immaturity? You are immature in my opinion anyway. What are your thoughts on why the dumpers act like this? Because they still care about the person and are shocked as to why that person wants to act as if she were dead. Ariadne Thanks for your uh... unique perspective Ariadne, but I was hoping this situation could be approached in a more general fashion, considering I can think of several others here who have posted similar situations. Specifically, I was hoping to stimulate a discussion about the contrary actions of these people, and why it happens, and maybe the thought process behind it. (regardless of the subsequent situation it creates).
silentcharon Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 That's a very good question, KM. I've asked myself that question a few times now, ever since my situation started. Quite frankly, I don't know the answer- I agree with Ariadne- Our exes still love us and care for us, they just want to do different things. You know how I ended up- tried being friends with him, didn't work, dumped him as a "friend". I think my ex is in denial, or he is just an immature arse. He wants to keep all the good things we had, minus the bad stuff- except that it comes as a whole called a relationship. It's funny, the night I basically gave up trying to salvage any kind of relationship with him, he has pursued me since, in a way. I don't know if he still values our friendship or if it's me he wants back, either way, I don't think he's ready to be friends with me, because he's too wishy washy. All I want to know is: Are we either: Friends or A couple? It's either black or white, I don't want any grey in between and he can't give me that- so therefore, he's not ready to come to terms with what happened. He has told me he still loves me, but he doesn't know if it's enough right now. Why can't he grow some balls already? It's been nine months now, with three months of sporadic NC, the breaks coming from his part, not mine. Even my friends are getting annoyed- whenever he talks about me, they tell him to either shut up or go back together with me already, as friends or otherwise. And he says, "I can't, I don't know, etc". Then they counter with why do you say that? He doesn't know. I don't know if he is geninuely confused or in denial- but I do know that he is being immature when it comes down to dealing with me. I gave him a simple choice, be friends or try being a couple again. It really isn't that hard.... I wish he'd grow some balls already.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 Thanks for the perspective SC- I know you get what I'm talking about here. (Did you notice that when my ex called me spontaneously after our accidental run in, he was intoxicated. Sound familiar? )
alphamale Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Such as saying how he was still crying over me (after 3.5 months) Trust me KM....the only thing he's been crying about is when his favourite sports team loses.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 Trust me KM....the only thing he's been crying about is when his favourite sports team loses. He doesn't watch sports. Anyways- OFF TOPIC!
silentcharon Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Thanks for the perspective SC- I know you get what I'm talking about here. (Did you notice that when my ex called me spontaneously after our accidental run in, he was intoxicated. Sound familiar? ) Too familiar! Though he doesn't drunk dial me... all of the contacts he has made on his part, he was sober, as far as I know..... Our exes suck.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 Too familiar! Though he doesn't drunk dial me... all of the contacts he has made on his part, he was sober, as far as I know..... Our exes suck. Oh, I thought he was drunk that night he followed you out to your car from the bar. I have to admit I was kinda proud to have my first ever "drunk dial" experience. Sorry- more off topicness
Diver012 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I think its guilt mostly... They may have some doubt over what they did, so that question still, and always will linger for a long time, did I do the right thing? I think the other part is not understanding how they made you feel. They see you after a while, and hope your completely ok. Yet you turned around and bailed. They dont understand how uncomfortable it is to see the person that rejected you. They would like you to act all friendly and nice like nothing ever happened. No matter how hard they try they simply cant erase the past.
loveinlife Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Good thread and good answers, bumping it up!
Jordan255 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think it stems from a martyr complex. The whole "He made me kill him" thing. It's insane, but seems perfectly logical to them. "You forced me to break up with you" might be his thoughts. He might be right in some ways, but he shouldn't be crawling back if that's the case. I can probably provide some insight since I had URGES to crawl back to my ex, in the same way. I resisted them, though. It's because I LOVED her, but I wasn't HAPPY with her when I had her. Our society trains us to think we should marry the one we LOVE not the one who makes us HAPPY. I broke up with the woman I loved miserably and am marrying the one I like who makes me happy. I never regret it, and I am saddened that others value love above happiness. He's obviously not happy. Calling you while drunk, probably means he drank over some hurt stemming from leaving you. Maybe you should explain that love and happiness are not one and the same. If he can understand that, he'll get over the pain.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think it stems from a martyr complex. The whole "He made me kill him" thing. It's insane, but seems perfectly logical to them. "You forced me to break up with you" might be his thoughts. He might be right in some ways, but he shouldn't be crawling back if that's the case. I can probably provide some insight since I had URGES to crawl back to my ex, in the same way. I resisted them, though. It's because I LOVED her, but I wasn't HAPPY with her when I had her. Our society trains us to think we should marry the one we LOVE not the one who makes us HAPPY. I broke up with the woman I loved miserably and am marrying the one I like who makes me happy. I never regret it, and I am saddened that others value love above happiness. He's obviously not happy. Calling you while drunk, probably means he drank over some hurt stemming from leaving you. Maybe you should explain that love and happiness are not one and the same. If he can understand that, he'll get over the pain. I tend to thinks it's more like he got dumped by somebody he was seeing.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 I tend to thinks it's more like he got dumped by somebody he was seeing. Whoa there. Twisting the knife on purpose aren't we? One, he wasn't DRUNK, he had just a had a few drinks. Two, he was out with his boy-friends from out of town. Three, he didn't premeditate calling me, he did it on a whim, obviously after spotting me running in the other direction. Four, this is totally off topic again since this was supposed to be a general discussion, not one specifically gear toward my individual situation (which I've become so ridiculously frustrated with I'm really beginning to not give a rat's furry behind). Five.... I just spent like three straight hours writing a short story and my shoulders and brain hurt. Ow. Where's alchemyst? She's got a vacillating ex too. And there's a few others I'd like to see weigh in. But time comes to sleep....
Author KittenMoon Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 A thought to add: Are we bothered by the fact that the pain their experiencing away from us doesn't, at least in their heads, compare with the pain of being with us? That's definetely an ego bruise, isn't it?
burning 4 revenge Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 A thought to add: Are we bothered by the fact that the pain their experiencing away from us doesn't, at least in their heads, compare with the pain of being with us? That's definetely an ego bruise, isn't it? It's not so much pain as it is that they think you are boring
Author KittenMoon Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 It's not so much pain as it is that they think you are boring Where did boring come from?
burning 4 revenge Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Where did boring come from? sorry, i didn't read the op and the boring part came from my own exp not yours
Author KittenMoon Posted October 10, 2006 Author Posted October 10, 2006 sorry, i didn't read the op and the boring part came from my own exp not yours Ok, that makes more sense. I was pretty confused as the how that fit into the OP as well. Anyways, to clarify for those who don't want to read through the whole thread: We're discussing how certain dumpers will turn around after a breakup and act like THEY got dumped, displaying ambiguous actions or communications to the dumpee, some vague, others to the point of seeming like the dumper is within mere heartbeats of asking the dumpee back. The consequences of this are not in discussion (each situation being far too unique for that)- rather the mentality behind it.
silentcharon Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Oh, I thought he was drunk that night he followed you out to your car from the bar. I have to admit I was kinda proud to have my first ever "drunk dial" experience. Sorry- more off topicness He was drunk, I didn't think it counted as breaking NC, at least not till the end of the night. Congrats on your first drunk dial!
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