angelwithabrokenhalo Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 ive been seeing a cop on and off for almost 2 years now. he always made sure in the beginning to remind me not to get attached but for almost a year now he has been acting like he has feelings for me. i have feelings for him but am too scared to tell him because he gets upset with me real easy and will go months without talking to me. here's what confuses me. he doesn't want me hanging out with my friends who are also cops. he never gives a reason why though. he tries to check the text messages on my phone or see who has called me but doesnt like it if i ask questions about his friends or anything. he says we are "just friends" but when we are together he is always touching me. kissing me..always insist that i look him in the eyes no matter what we are doing. he constantly tells everyone i am his woman and has even gone as far to tell others officers they are not to talk to me. he protects me at all cost but keeps saying we are "just friends". i mean i love this man and alot of the time he acts like he feels the same but if he thinks im being too affectionate he pushes me away and i wont see him for a month or so. i really want to tell him how i feel but im scared to because i really dont want to lose him. id really like to know exactly how he feels towards me but hes not big on talkin about stuff like that but he does say for me not to assume anything about him to ask first. im wondering if anyone can give me some advice about what to do here because i get so confused with him. should i come out and tell him i love him because he really is a great guy and a good father to his son i just dont know what to do. can anyone help me?
fishtaco Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Sorry, he doesn't sound like a great guy. I would never prevent my girlfriend from hanging out with her friends, male or female; unless they are bad influence like criminals or drug addicts or something. I would never do things such as "checking up on her" unless it's purely to make sure she's okay, and not for keeping track of what she's doing. He's a control freak. As for me, I would act very affectionate toward a "friend with benefits", because it's fun. It feels good to hold someone outside of sex, just to be in close proximity with someone. But that doesn't mean I want to date her. Guys always think, okay, I told her I don't want to date her already, and this is all just for fun, so I can go ahead and do whatever. That's what I thought before too. But actually women react to actions more than words. Given these mixed messages, they will assume the guy has feelings for them too. So personally, I've learned to hold back in situations like this so I won't give the wrong impression. From women's perspective, you have to believe what the guy said. Unless you've had the talk about becoming exclusive, nothing else means anything. Gifts, flowers, romantic outings, making love... nothing counts except the actual talk. For your case sounds like he just needs you for specific situations. Show people he's got a woman, whenever he's lonely. If he really needs you full time, he would be your official boyfriend already. Who knows, you might even be his "other woman", you never know. As for what you can do... 1) You can confront him about it. But this may end in severing your relationship completely. It's a double or nothing gamble. 2) Kill your feelings for him, and just enjoy your time with him as just that - a good time. Use him for things you need just like he's using you (sex, fixing the toilet, carrying around heavy things, drive you around, pay for your dinners... etc), so it will be mutually beneficial. 3) If he's not exclusive with you, then guess what? That means you can go out and see other guys too. Maybe even meet someone that wants the same thing as you (a stable relationship) and you can drop this guy. But based on your description of him I bet he won't like that. He will want to enjoy his non-exclusive priviledges while you're not allowed the same. 4) If you want a stable relationship, then you should end this so you can put yourself back on the market again. But if you're going to end this might as well try 1). Although I think this guy doesn't sound very nice, you should probably just drop him.
Author angelwithabrokenhalo Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 i have gotten up the courage to talk to him about how i feel towards him. he told me that he was kind of hoping it wouldnt have come down to that but he said we could do it. he said he has not been with anyone else since we started almost 2 years ago. he said that he knows some other women he could have hooked up with many times but he doesn't want that. he apologized for his behavior and said he really does care about me and it would hurt him more than he could ever express if i left. made me happy to hear that but i am going to see how things really go before i get too happy.. thanks again
Kamille Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I'm sorry honey but: he told me that he was kind of hoping it wouldnt have come down to that but he said we could do it. ?? He makes it sound as if he's doing you a favor by committing to you! Surely you realise you deserve better then that! Thread lightly. Remember that you are also chosing to be in this relationship and that therefore, you also get to decide whether or not it is good for you.
Author angelwithabrokenhalo Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 well, i left him. after thinking about everything and talking to a few more people i decided i didn't want him to do me any favors by committing to me. Besides deep inside i know nothing would really change. So i told him i didnt want to see him anymore. I thought i would cry all the time and miss him terribly but i feel so much lighter. I cried once when i told him but havent cried since and leaving him isn't really bothering me, i feel free. thanks ya'll for helping me with ya'lls advice.
Kamille Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Angelwbh, you've shown a lot of strenght and I'm glad you initial reaction to the decision is that you felt light. It means that you have made the right decision for you (that you were doing yourself justice in making this decision). And in moments of doubts, (those have a tendency to happen after 2 years), remember that we're here for you! way to go girl!
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