uncertainofwhoiam Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 This is my first post....and I just need to get some things out I have been involved with my boyfriend for 6 years - we have lived together for almost that whole time. I am 28 he is 23 (5 year age difference). He left me on Friday and said he needed to "walk away" - that he does not see us going anywhere and that he is not good enough for me, not smart enough, and can't give me what I want or deserve. I am in complete shock and my heart is broken. I can't eat, can’t stop crying, am trying to keep busy - went to the bookstore to buy a book on breaking up. I just never thought this would happen. I can’t imagine a day without him in my life - seeing him or talking to him. I love him enough to give him space and let him go. I want him to be happy and if he is unhappy with me – then I can’t expect him to stay. I just wonder if he is needing a break and this might be temporary - or is he has decided to give up permanently. I have to hope and pray that this will just be temporary – that the love we have for one another is strong enough to weather this. Otherwise I am not sure I can make it through this. To me all of his reasons are NOT true – I think he is very smart. He gives me everything I need, I am not pressuring him for anything more – but he thinks I want kids and marriage right away – and while yes it would be nice I have not pressured him or made him feel like I want it right away. I understand he is young and needs time to grow up – I am just scared that he is going to throw away what we have. Lots has been happening in his life that could have led to this – he has 5 sisters – 2 of which are pregnant, one just got married, another just got engaged, one just lost a baby, and the last one is close to a divorce. He is the only boy – practically the baby and feeling like he can’t help them – he also got a huge promotion at work and is under a lot of stress with the increased responsibility. Two months ago he told me these things and that he wanted to end it. I begged him not to leave – he did pack a bag and went to his sisters – but returned home later that night. I have changed so much since then – I have set work boundaries (I work from home) and have made a point not to be on the computer etc when he is home, I started focusing on my body and health (overweight) and so far have lost 35.5 pounds – I was giving him lots of personal attention – hoping all of this would help. He started to drink every night after work – either a few glasses of wine – just enough to make him feel numb so he could go to bed. Then Thursday night – I went and opened up my mouth and said what is happening between us – he broke down crying and said he needed to leave – that it is not going anywhere – he can’t make me happy – but the he STILL LOVES ME. I cried and go out of bed for awhile – then returned and he held me the whole night. I told him we were both going to be okay. The next morning he left for work and did not come home afterward. Left me a voicemail saying he was going to his sisters and would come by to get some stuff on Wed. I have not called him – and am trying my hardest to give him this time / space. I know he has not been happy – I too have not been happy – but it was not him I was unhappy with – but could see the light at the end of the tunnel – and thought we could just hang in there. We are turning around our financial situation and were getting ready to move to a new place. How can he say he loves me but leave me? The book I read says to give him space, time, let him think and grow up – find out what life is like without me – so he can figure out what he wants. It also says it is normal for a couple to go through things like this – we are not the type of couple that fights all the time and constant breaks up – in fact this is the first time in 6 years. Our anniversary is next week – or was supposed to be. I agree with that – I am just scared and my heart is broken.
Jane Doe Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 He left me on Friday and said he needed to "walk away" - that he does not see us going anywhere and that he is not good enough for me, not smart enough, and can't give me what I want or deserve. Is there a possibility there could be another woman? Are you sure he's been at his sister's house when he said he was? The only reason I ask is because often when a man uses the old, "It's not you, it's me," excuse as a means of breaking up, they've found someone else. I'm not saying that's what happened here; only that it's a possibility.
ImInPain Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Six years is a long time. He will miss you and wonder what you are doing if you go NC. He probably just needs time to get his head in order. People sometimes need a break to make them realize how much they need/miss not having the other person in thier life. I am in a similar situation and it was 5 years. It hurts but they will come to their senses.
Author uncertainofwhoiam Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 right after i posted this I got a call from his sister. She was checking in to see if I was okay. He had run out to the store to get some water and she called me. To let me know he was ok - i am 100% sure there in no other woman. I have faith in that - and really believe him when he says the whole it's not you thing... i think he is depressed and growing up - 23 is very young. i really have to believe he needs space to know he can grow up on his own - i am close with all of his sisters - they know how much we love one another. they said he is just down right now and needs time. All of them feel like this is going to be temporary too and that in time we will be back together.
Heart66 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Hang in there. I know it hurts, but it does get easier. I am currently going thru a very simular situation. I am finding that time and space is the best thing.[and I hope you will too.] NC not only gives him what he asked for from you and allows him to grow, but it will also allow you to find out a few things about YOURSELF. You will also grow and learn from this. Then if he comes back, you will both be stronger and so will your relationship. Remember...when you chase something, it will always run away! So the worst thing you can do is run after him and smother him. Give him time and space. Meanwhile, yourself to heal. When youre feeling stronger, move forward. Don't focus on him or missing him, etc. Do things that you enjoy. Go out with friends...female and MALE! If he really loves you and is just scared, or in need of growing up, he'll miss you and inquire about you. If things are meant to work out, they will. Try to smile. Keep up the good work on improving your health/weightloss, and Good luck to you. I hope it all works out.
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 wow - i really appreciate the support. Can someone tell me what NC means? a fe of you use it in your posts? I am new and have tried to think what it could mean - but am clueless?!?!?
ImInPain Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 No contact. Look for the long post on it. There is alot of good information. It aint easy but it can be very healthy if done right.
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