I thought it was love.

[Serendipity_80]

I call him my best friend. . .but up until a month ago, he'd been my lover for a year and a half.

 

We'd met through a mutual friend, and on March 25th, three months later, he kissed me on the forehead while we were watching a movie with that friend. . .and suddenly I realized that this was more than I'd ever hoped for. He didn't want it to be serious, to begin with. . .he was leaving to go to school 8 hours away in five months (August). . .but we clicked so well. We understood one another. We knew each others insecurities, and we cherished everything in each other that made us uncomfortable in our own skins. By June we were boyfriend/girlfriend, sleeping together, and telling each other that we loved one another. He broke up with me two days after we had sex for the first time. . .telling me that he was afraid that he would get too attached to me. . .that it would be too hard to leave. . .that he was afraid he would grow to care for me too much. I told him that I was afraid to lose the time that we had. When August rolled around, he started talking about what would happen when he left for school. He said that we should probably break up. . .since our friendship was more important to him than anything. . .and he was afraid that if a long-distance relationship didn't work, that our friendship would end. I told him I wanted to try. He broke up with me anyway the week before he left. . .saying that although he still loved me. . .he was too afraid to risk our friendship. I told him that if we were going to be best friends. . .I wanted to be the best friend he'd ever had--meaning I didn't want us to stop having sex. . .he complied.

 

Four days after he arrived at school. . .he called me to tell me that he was no longer in love with me. . .but that I was still his best friend.

 

Two weeks later he called me and engaged me in phone sex. . .I was still in love. . .I took what I could get.

 

Four weeks later, I took vacation time from work, spent money I couldn't really spare and went to visit him for four days. We made love in my motel room all weekend. . .and when I first arrived he said "I love you, I never should have broke up with you". . .two hours before I left, he said that he hadn't meant it that way.

 

Two weeks later he told me that he and his roommate had made out with a girl in their dormroom.

 

The next day we had phone sex while I cried. . .but then we continued on as usual.

 

When he returned home for Thanksgiving, he told me that he thought we should stop sleeping together (the day after we had). . .but two days later, he decided that so long as it didn't hurt me . . .perhaps we could continue.

 

He came home for three weeks for Christmas, and it was perfect.

 

He'd been back to school for a week when he met a girl that he wanted to be with. . .they'd had too much to drink and when he walked her back to her room, he ended up staying and they "did more than she had ever done" he once called me at 4 a.m. crying because she'd been flirting with one of his friends. She started dating that friend. . .and he came back to me.

 

I went up to visit in the spring. . .and even though we weren't affectionate in public. . .we spent every moment in private in one another's arms.

 

He came home to stay with his parents this past summer. . .and I saw him at least once a week. We made love. . .he held me. All through this we spoke at least every other day on the phone. . .for hours at a time. He never called me anything but his best friend. . .but it felt like so much more.

 

He went back to school this fall. He couldn't even find time to call me on my birthday. I sent HIM brownies for MY birthday. . .since we couldn't share my birthday cake, and he casually mentioned that he'd received them, but couldn't bother to thank me. When I mustered the nerve to mention it. . .he told me that he'd come to expect things like that from me.

 

Two days later he called me for phone sex.

The next night he went on a date.

He ignored my phone calls/e-mails/text messages for four days.

Then sent me a text message saying he was fine and that I should check my e-mail.

"It said. . .Kate and I are dating. I couldn't bear to call you and hear your heart break. I hope our friendship can survive."

 

I thought I would die from the heartache. I couldn't get ahold of him for four hours (he was out to dinner with Kate).

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. Or I think I do. I know that things have never been quite right, but I don't understand how he could be so loving and not be in love with me. All he talks about is how wonderful Kate is. . .how amazed he is that she wants to be with him. . .how much he cares about her and how she makes him happier than he ever thought he could be. Why wasn't I enough. . .why wasn't what we had enough. How am I so easy to get over? And how can I be friends with him knowing that he's done this to me?

 

I going to visit my Dad next weekend. He lives four hours from my best friend's school. We are supposed to meet halfway and have dinner so I can meet Kate.

 

I am afraid I will cry. I'm afraid she will be perfect. I hate that I'm not handling this better.

 

I don't even know how to be his friend. . .because "friend" has been such a complicated thing for so long. He was home for his high school's homecoming last weekend, and we spent a good 20 hours together (over the spand of 2 days). . .and the most intimate thing we did was hug. . .and I was fine. But Kate wasn't there. . .I never forgot he had Kate. . .but I always feel fine when I am talking to him. . .or with him.

 

I am so afraid to lose my best friend. . .but I worry he might not be as good of a friend as I think.

[D-Lish]

Girl... why haven't you run screaming from this toxic person?

He's obviously messed up, and he treats you with so much disrespect.

 

You know you cannot be friends with him....you just cannot.

 

Stop baking him brownies, stop being his "friend", stop talking to him altogether.

 

Find yourself a nice guy who wants to be WITH YOU 100%.

This guy is playing an awful game with you.

 

Please look after yourself first- and cut off contact with this guy!

D

[Serendipity_80]

D--

Thank-you for your insight. This is exactly why I chose to write here. . .I want to know if I am crazy for being so upset. . .

[D-Lish]

You're so not crazy for being upset!

There is nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't return the emotion the way you need them to.

 

I am in that boat as well. My ex left me after a year and he hasn't spoken to me since the break up- almost 6 weeks now. It's painful, I love him dearly, but he doesn't feel the same way anymore. I have been through the inability to eat or sleep- the tears, even the anger. It gets better....slowly but surely.

 

It just made me so mad to hear how he's treating you- he's not being fair to you at all. Just believe you are worthy of a healthy reciprocal relationship... because you are deserving of that.

 

If you can manage it, cut off contact with this guy. You can't move on with your life if you remain in a friendship with him....he will only continue to hurt you.

 

Keep your chin up, keep busy, concentrate on making yoruself happy for a change. That is the best revenge over an ex- being happy without them. He'll take notice of it- believe me. If you do happen to talk to him- tell him you have a date! Seriously!

 

You're going to be okay. Don't meet up with him and his new sqeeze though- why put yourself through that?

 

Take care of yourself!

D

[garnet]

I completely agree with Dlish. It's awful how this guy has been manipulating everything to his advantage with no respect for your feelings. You need to drop him like a bad habit.

 

I know it's easy when you're caught up in a situation to lose sight of the big picture, so to speak. That's why it's helpful to post on here.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself from him completely and allow yourself to heal. Meet his girlfriend? That's a horrible idea! Of course you shouldn't put yourself in a situation like that.

 

You deserve so much more than he's willing to give. Of course when things fall apart with his newest girl he'll come running back to you again...but this time DON'T BE THERE WAITING! There's a guy out there somewhere who will want you as his first choice. Don't settle for less.

[Serendipity_80]

*grinning like a fool*

thanks...i needed to hear that. People keep telling me that he will change his mind and want me back. That he will grow up and realize that what I offered was what everyone searches for. But I don't understand why I would want someone back who didn't appreciate me when he had me. I *need* to believe that Kate is the one for him. . .so that i don't hope that he will come running back claiming I am his one and only.

[Serendipity_80]

it is just, although it probably sounds terribly unhealthy, it means so much to me for him to be happy. . .and he says it will make him unhappy if we aren't friends.

 

Is it possible to transform your love? He says that he thinks of me as a little sister (although I am 4.5 years older than him)....and that he wants us to have family christmases when we both have spouses and children, and to go on family vacations together.

 

He tells me that no one has ever understood him the way that I do. He tells me that he can't imagine his life without my friendship.

[garnet]

Maybe at some point in the future you can be his friend...but not until you are truly over him. If you attempt that right now you are only going to prolong your own pain.

 

He's been an important person in your life for a long time, so it's understandable that you love him.

 

But you have to love yourself more.

[D-Lish]

Couldn't agree more. All he's been doing is thinking of himself, and he's hurt you and messed you up deeply in the process. he knows you love him, yet he wants to flaunt his "new found" girlfriend in your face? A friend, let alone a lover that truly cared about you would never ask that of you!

 

Would you want to get back with him after the way he's acted?

 

I wouldn't even tell him you're going to end the friendship- just do it!

Just simply disappear from his radar and work at making yoruself happy. Then, when you're ready, find a man who will appreciate you.

 

Maybe, someday, when you're over him yu can be his friend....maybe it won't be worth it to you at that point.

 

I'm sorry, he toyed with your feelings by sleeping with you and making empty promises- he tugged at your heart strings and broke your heart.

He has no right to ask for a friendship.

 

Even if your attempt is to have him back- then NC is the way to go. You have to make him see what he is missing, and to do that you have to be absent.

 

No friendly chit-chat, no e-mails, or phone calls- or family gatherings. Do this for yourself! Don't answer his pleas, don't respond to his guilt trips.

 

You deserve better!

We're here for ya!

D

[Serendipity_80]

It was my idea to meet with he and Kate for dinner. I thought that if I were to see them together, it would give me some closure. . .let me see that they were together. . give me the chance to see if I can be traditional friends with him. He told me today that if she ever objected to our friendship, that he would have some serious considering to do. I asked him if that meant that he would be willing to give up our friendship. . .and he said that he meant that he would more likely consider ending other things.

 

My Mom gets so upset when I don't take her advice. . .she takes it as a personal insult. . .and I thought that I would be able to handle it better in an anonymous forum. . .but you have both been so sweet to me, that I worry about offending you if I don't do as you've suggested.

 

I do give it consideration. . .and I'm still not 100% convinced what I should/can/will do. My good friend offered to go to the dinner with me. . .but I really think that if I do go...I need to make that step on my own. . .because she detests him right now...and I think that her anger would make an awkward situation unbearable.

 

I told her...if they are disrespectful, then I just excuse myself to the bathroom and skip out on the bill. . .which I could never do. . .unless they are terrible to me. Which I don't think he could be. . .and I know he would never permit her to be.

[D-Lish]

My Mom gets so upset when I don't take her advice. . .she takes it as a personal insult. . .and I thought that I would be able to handle it better in an anonymous forum. . .but you have both been so sweet to me, that I worry about offending you if I don't do as you've suggested.

 

Sweet-pea.... you're way too nice. I mean, so nice to the point where you may just let people walk all over you.

 

Just take the time to take of yourself. You really have to do something nice for yourself.

 

Don't go to that dinner.... no one will judge you if you do, honestly, but going will crush you.

 

D

[Serendipity_80]

Thank-you. . .I know it is silly to be concerned about offending people that I have never "met". I just hate being a disappointment.

 

I have a temper, but I try so hard to be unassuming and easy-going that I think that people do forget to appreciate the things I do. The best example is how Sean failed to thank me for the brownies because it was something that he'd come to expect from me. I could never do that. . .I can't imagine the number of times someone would have to mail me baked goods before I would no longer feel the need to thank them. His entire family is like that, though. . .I like them all a great deal (I spent nearly as much time with his parents and sisters this summer as I did him), but they are not considerate in the same way that I am. . .and sometimes that is a bit frustrating.

 

So...I guess what I am saying is that I set myself up to be a doormat. . .so I shouldn't really be all that surprised when people wipe their feet on me.

[D-Lish]

Perhaps we all put ourselves in certain positions that aren't healthy for us... you putting yourself in the spot of being a doormat may be true. But you can change that. You really can.

 

A good start is to cut off contact with this man who is hurting you.

I know it seems impossible to imagine not having him in your life... but it isn't healthy for you to have him in your life the way things are at the moment.

 

This would be a good opportunity to take charge of the situation- put yourself in the driver's seat.... become the rejector, not the rejectee. Believe me- it feels great to restore that kind of power in your life.

 

If you cut him off- he will come running. That's just how the crazy world of psychology works.

 

There are some good books out there about how to take charge of your life, how to become more assertive to get the things you want from life. Maybe one of those books would help? I buy from the "self help" section at the bookstore all the time!! haha. It feels weird to be standing there at first under the big neon sign that says "SELF HELP"... but I've found some good books there!

 

Take care of yourself.

And don't worry so much about offending people- you can't please everyone!

 

And P.S.... I have a little temper too:o

 

Dee

[Amour77]

Is it possible to transform your love? He says that he thinks of me as a little sister (although I am 4.5 years older than him)....and that he wants us to have family christmases when we both have spouses and children, and to go on family vacations together.

 

Do you really think that this can be possible? Seriously?

 

Follow D-Lish's opinion. Cut all contact and move on.

[Serendipity_80]

I meant to update a long time ago. . .and tonight it will just be brief. . .but perhaps if I start. . .I'll be ambitious enough to finish (I also don't know if I should have made the is a new thread since I took so long to respond).

 

I went and met them for dinner. . .mostly because I had to prove to myself that I was strong enough to do it. I wasn't going to run away from my fear of meeting her. I was going to arrive early, poised, perfectly coiffed, and make sure that she saw me as a force to be reckoned with. Not as competition. . .but that if he wants to be friends. ..best friends...I was going to demand that he treat me like a best friend. . .and showing up tear-stained just wasn't going to achieve that goal.

 

Weather conditions made me arrive later than they did (plus the fact that he had left his town earlier than he'd said he was going to, perhaps he was anxious as well?) But....honestly. Dinner was fine. I found her sweet, funny and overall a very nice person. She and I picked on my friend and got alone fine (with a bit of awkwardness) when he excused himself to the restroom. When we went to leave I hugged her goodbye...partially because I wanted to show her that I felt no animosity toward her....obviously none of my heartache is her fault....she just fell for a decent guy....it was his handling of it that was reprehensible. However, it was also so that I didn't have too feel guilty about hugging her boyfriend...my friend.

 

Now, I find out that she is coming home with him for Thanksgiving break (they get a week off for the holiday)....and I am concerned all over again. Because it won't be a public place with just the three of us. Now, if I go visit...I will be with them and his family...or them and his other friends....and I can't help but think that they would all be wondering why I was still there. And if we are friends...I shouldn't be thinking that...because if we are friends, that is the reason. I told him I am afraid they will make fun of me for being pathetic...but it is really only one of his friends that worries me (the rest of his friends and family have seen me since he started dating Kate, and have not acted any differently toward me at all...if anything they seem less awkward around me. . .probably because they finally really have a title for me)...but this one friend would take pleasure in seeing me cry.

 

My friends youger sister (a year younger than him) told me that she was glad that her brother had found a girl who was brave enough to live with her family for a week...but she wishes it were me that was coming to stay. When I expressed to her my indecision on coming to visit. . .she told me that I should come...if only to see her and her younger sister because they miss me.

 

will they feel the same way once they've met the great and amazing Kate?

Will our heroine learn to stop being so bitter and cherish a friendship that has glitches but still keeps her grounded?

Will the british dude she met online capture her interest so much that she forgets to pine for her friend who made a crappy boyfriend?

will I ever learn to not be so weird?

tune in tomorrow.....same wacky time....same dorky channel :-)

[Confuggled_one]

wtf

that guy pisses me off

gimme his address and ill beat him the **** up.

im sorry you are going through this. you should take dlish's advice. it's right on the spot.

 

feel better... you have us people on LS to help ya

[Serendipity_80]

Confuggled_one>

It is strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, comforting that other people think that the way Sean has treated me hasn't been the kindest. My rose colored glasses are well and truly off. . .but I know that there is good in him. . .and he tries to be the best friend he can be. . .he simply isn't mature enough to be the best friend I often need.