I don't think he's into me.......

[krittal67]

I've been dating this guy for a year and a half at first we took things really slow became friends, then took it from there, things were going great and he told me one day when we got into a little bit of an arguement that he is scared to death of commitment, and don't know if he will ever be able to do that, but not saying that he won't, it will just take time. Well...you would think after a year and a half he would know something. He was married for 24 years. He is definately not still in love with her as she hurt him deeply by coming out that she is gay. WOW (can you say pride crusher). I told him that he needs to take time in his own mind to come to terms with that. During this 1 1/2 yrs. I have become close to his children and his grandson, and I still want to be part of their lives but after yesterday I don't know if I can even do that. Yesterday was kind of the icing on the cake I stayed all night we slept together and during the day had sex again, then about mid day I said what time are the kids coming out and he said I didn't know they were I'm going to the topless bar in town tonight. I don't know but I suddenly felt sick to my stomach....and thought what a low life to sleep with me and then say I'm going to a topless bar! I honestly felt sick and like a mere piece of ass. He says their is nothing wrong with going to a place like that, I agree but the way he said it I felt disgusted it was almost like he wanted to hurt me. I left telling him that it is not OK to treat people like **** or make them feel like ****. I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing...but the famous last words I love and care about him and at times think I should just give him time, but on the other hand just be done with him he's got issues! I did the thing w/writing down all the pros and cons and the cons far outweighed the pros. The bad part is we work together! What should I do?

[Jane Doe]

You didn't say how old this clown is but if he'd been married for 24 years he's got to be in his 40s at least, right? So he has sex with you, blows off a visit from his children and heads to a topless bar?

 

Please tell me you're joking. If not, I hope to God you read and re-read your post over and over until you see what an utter Richard Head this guy is and dump him. You are being completely disrespected. Get the heck out of Dodge and thank the good Lord you're not married to him.

[krittal67]

Yes, in his 40's....and yes I know he disrespected me I believe that is why I felt so sick about the whole thing, I honestly didn't know what to think when he said he was going out, oh his kids did come out and he told me I should stay and visit with them....how the heck could I do that after he just told me he was going to a freakin topless bar.

[tekratel]

Hi

I've given your post a bit of thought and you know, this could just be a masculinity fear response. Obviously, I've no idea what he'slike and indeed he could be a low life but on the other hand it could be the insecurity of his own feelings forcing him to pull out the sexist machismo bull. In this respect he's initiating a defence mechanism for his own emotional survival - he may not even be aware of it. By saying what he said in the way he did, he's able to dissassociate himself from his real feelings and not meant to make you feel cheap but more to make him lessen the effect you have on him.

I may be totally off the ball, but I've done similar things for the same reasons - it cushions us from pain by diluting our emotional responses to people.

All the best and good luck

[Jane Doe]

Yes, in his 40's....and yes I know he disrespected me I believe that is why I felt so sick about the whole thing, I honestly didn't know what to think when he said he was going out, oh his kids did come out and he told me I should stay and visit with them....how the heck could I do that after he just told me he was going to a freakin topless bar.

 

You deserve so much better than this. I hope you quickly realize it.

[krittal67]

Tekratel....the idea that you have that it may just be him not wanting to show his feelings, because I know he has tried very hard to not get to emotionally involved because fear of getting hurt. However I don't think it constitutes him belittleling me or making me feel unimportant.

 

Thanks to everyone else for your reply....I'm going to try my hardest not to call or speak with him until he contacts me I think he needs to figure out why I'm so upset and if he doesn't then oh well.....It will be extremely hard to not call him or talk to him though as I said we work together on a daily basis. I hope I can do it?

[tekratel]

Absolutely, try your damndest not to call him. And your right, it will be hard because every time you look at the phone you'll want to pick it up and you'll be fighting with two competing emotions. When I went through something similar with a girlfriend, I did two things; firstly, I unplugged the phone and put it somewhere that was out of the way - I did ths for a couple of days - whilst my 'gotta phone her head' was saying pick it up, pick it up - that got me out of impetuous impulse phoning. Once, that had settled, I put the phone back and then everytime I had a cumpunction to pick the phone up I made myself do something to take my mind off it - call a friend, watch a DVD, just anything that will divert attention.

Then let him stew and stew, and he will because unless he really doesn't care (which if it's the case you're better off without him anyhow) he won't be able to help it. And, when he does call (I'm sure he will) be polite but a little brusque and tell him you can't talk because you're going out or better still getting ready to go out, be really vague and give no details. I promise you, that if be is bothered, this will drive him insane and he will look at himself because he will think he's losing you and as you've already told him how upset you were with the things he said, he will put two and two together and realise what a prat he is. It may be cruel, especially with what he's been through, but this might give him a jump start to reflect on his behaviour.

[krittal67]

Today I got to work and I had some homemade bread on my desk that he had brought me....from his daughter ahhhh....how sweet. He usually stops by my desk before he goes home, however not today. I am trying my hardest not to call....however I think since I'm going in for some major testing next week because they have found some cancerous cells in the female area you think he would have some kind of concern. He knows I'm scared to death....I think he just really sucks or is just afraid heck I don't know?

[Summer2000]

Have you asked this man recently how he felt about you? Does he tell you that he loves you? Does he ever say he wants to get married or anything like that?

 

I was dating a man for a year and come to find out that he never did love me.. He says he cares, but is not falling in love with me and he never would... So Now I am sitting home being all sad and he is probable out doing God knows what..

 

If he does not know how he feels about you now, then he will probable never fall in love with you..

 

I am not saying that to hurt you or anything like that, as I am hurting as well.. But, I would hate to see you stay with a man with no kind of commitment as I know you want from him..

 

We are all here for you, please keep your chin up and know you are not alone..

 

PS- Do you have any children of your own? Do you want to have children? Does your guy want more kids? Just a few things to think about.

[D-Lish]

WHat he did was disrespectful. I'd be so angry if someone I cared deeply for had sex with me and then went off to a topless bar without regard for my feelings.

 

Of course it may have been a masculine reaction resulting from the intimacy that scared him vulnerable- so he felt the need to reassert control and go off and do manly things.... but come on- regardless of his reasons- why put up with that?

 

he's been hurt- so have we all. I'm sure you've been hurt in your life, but would you treat him in a similar fashion because of your past encounters in realtionships?

 

I can tell you from having been there- it's no fun loving a man who has unresolved issues with an ex. It does nothing but cause you pain and self esteem issues.

 

His issues are HIS issues- don't internalize them as your own.

 

"Honey, if you want to go to a topless bar after making love to me, fine, but don't expect me to be here to make you a sandwich when you get home".

 

That's just plain disrespectful.

Stand your ground.

 

Good luck,

Dee

[krittal67]

Last night I had to call because I had given his daughter a car and still had some personal items in it. When I called him he said "too late the car is gone they had it haulded off to fix it." I had personal items like stuff with me social security number on it and etc...that lead to an arguement because he had no regards for my personal privacy once again thinking of himself. Which led into more arguements....I told him I don't want to ever see him again, I'm tired of him making me feel like I'm nothing and him being disrespectful. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. He said that this conversation keeps happening every few weeks and I told that is because he is making me feel that way every few weeks, and that I was not going to put up with it anymore. Yes, Summer he tells me he loves me everyday, but if you love someone you stand by them...and after a year and half I think he should be standing behind me. I have for him many times. He hasn't even ask how my visits with the Dr. have been. I told him just that last night and he said he thought I would tell him if I thought he should know. He said he could not take off work a few weeks back when I have an appt. in 2 weeks for my first procedure...after I have taken time from work to take him for procedures for his back. He again last night told me he loved me and hoped we can at least work together and be friends. I told him out of the questions stay away from me! It is going to hard because I do love him and he can be kind until he is backed into a corner. I finally told him that they reason I have cancerous cells is because my Dr. tells me that it is a virus I have gotten from my partner within the past 6 to 9 months and I have been with him for a year and a half and with no one else in 2 years. My Dr. said he is the one spread the virus. When I told him this he was extremly mad and told me he wants all my records and he would call his Dr. immediately. More worried about himself than me. Go Figure! I'm the one with cancerous cells!

[Summer2000]

Is it called hpv? I found out that I got that as well.. I had to get a byopsi and things.. It is a very scary process..

 

My ex did not care too much either about that.. I know it is hard to deal with and it is very scary..

 

The only thing I can say to you is that I think it is best that you walk away, it seems like everything is all about him and you are not worth as much as him in his mind.. My ex is the same way, trust me..

 

When he calls just do your best to ignore his calls, do not be friends with him, after all he will just think that you guys can have sex just like you once did with no kind of commitment.. Imo you are better off without him and you seem like you are way to good for him..

 

Right now just pay attention to yourself, it seems like you put all of your energy and heart into him, and forgot about yourself..

 

Take some time and get to know YOU again.. Thats what I am trying to do with myself..

 

Everytime you get sad and think of how you miss him, think of how he treated you, make a list of all the bad things and keep it in a spot you will see it all of the time..

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this right now, I am as well.. Its hard to know that you love someone and they may say they love you, but actions speak louder then words.. You are going to get past this and he will be stuck only on himself, no one deserves that..

 

Summer

[krittal67]

Yes, he I know action speaks louder than words and I'm a very intuitive person and that sometimes gets me in trouble....

 

I know I deserve better, but he makes me feel like I don't...I feel like I'm nothing right now I feel rejected especially in a time that I would need him.

 

Yes, it is HPV in the 3rd stage...high risk.

[Summer2000]

Well the good news is that you found out you have it and I am sure your doctors will help you throu this..

 

I have it too, don't worry, I don't know if you know this or not but 85% of woman have it and they only way a guy will know if they have it is if a wart shows up.. there are no tests for men just yet.

 

This is not your fault.. I just found out I have it as well, I think I am in the first stage and I got a biopsi and I have to go back to the Doctor in Nov for another pap test..

 

As far as your guy, just remember you did everything you could to show him how much you loved and cared for him..

 

Right now your ego is bruised and it hurts.. I know, I am the first to admitt that it hurts..

 

Just keep in the back of mind that you are a great person and you have a lot to give, and if he does not want your love then it will be someone else's gain..

 

When you were with him did he ever make you feel dumb? My ex totally made me feel that way, no matter what I said or did I was wrong.. He hurt my self esteem so much..

 

I am still hurting, and I am sure I will for awhile, but I know he was not the ONE for me, and I don't think your ex is the one for you either..

 

If someone really loves you no matter what they have going on in there life they will make the time to go to the doctor with you and hold your hand.. It would be like your best friend would be there for you.. Make sense?

 

I know it is scary going to the doctor and that doctor telling you that you could have cancer, and for your ex not to be there or to even ask questions is just wrong! I don't care if he had to work or not.. Everytime you think of calling him , just remember that he could not even find the time to go to the doctor with you..

 

I had a broken foot and had to go and get surgry, my ex did not even take me there, he had plans with friends.. And at that time I thought it was okay, since I don't want to ask to much of him, but now I look back and think what a fool I was by staying with someone like that..

 

You and myself and everyone can only give so much, and if our parteners don't want to give.. well then its time for us to move on...

 

If you have any questions on hpv please ask, I have done a lot of research on it..

 

Summer

[krittal67]

Now that I have told him I no longer want to see him I have had a few days to reflect back on why I made that decision. He is a very angry person not with me, but with himself. Well...until now he hasn't really showed any anger towards me. I think this is why he is so indecisive about relationships. I have to keep telling myself thank goodness I'm out of this and pray that I don't have to talk to him again, but unfortunately I know I will at some point I still have some things at his house.

 

I have come to the realization that if he really gave a crap he would have tried to talk to me before now, and he has made every effort not to, which is probably better for me. It's so easy to put the blame on someone else isnt it?

 

I want so bad to be retalitive towards him because I am so angry......then the next I want to cry for days.

 

How can you tell someone that you love them for almost a year and a half then nothing not even hello....this I don't understand.

[D-Lish]

Certain kinds of people are able to compartmentalize their feelings- block them off and store them away. Those kinds of people - you want to stay clear of. If they never deal with their feelings, they will explode one day.

 

My ex was the same. A year together- lots of "I love you's" Talk of moving in together and then...one little arguement and we're done, and he hasn't spoken to me or returned my calls since.

 

Do you want someone capable of shutting off like that? Do you want someone who abandons you during a tumultuous time? No, you don't.

You deserve better.

 

Sensitive people often end up dating people with "issues" because we want to save them, rescue them... It's a challenge for us...and we like it. But it never ends up the way we want it to.

 

You are doing the right thing by re-evaluating your feelings for this person- you really are.

 

I hope everything turns out okay for you.

D

[krittal67]

Certain kinds of people are able to compartmentalize their feelings- block them off and store them away. Those kinds of people - you want to stay clear of. If they never deal with their feelings, they will explode one day.

 

My ex was the same. A year together- lots of "I love you's" Talk of moving in together and then...one little arguement and we're done, and he hasn't spoken to me or returned my calls since.

 

Do you want someone capable of shutting off like that? Do you want someone who abandons you during a tumultuous time? No, you don't.

You deserve better.

 

Sensitive people often end up dating people with "issues" because we want to save them, rescue them... It's a challenge for us...and we like it. But it never ends up the way we want it to.

 

You are doing the right thing by re-evaluating your feelings for this person- you really are.

 

I hope everything turns out okay for you.

D

 

I have always been one who thinks I can be the saviour and rescue them from whatever they might be going through...that's he and I met talking about his problems with the "X". He persued me....into something more, I thought we were just friends, well...that ended up to be more. We hid our relationship from everyone at work for quite some time and I respected that because his son-in-law also worked there and he didn't want anyone to get hurt. Now everyone knows I've become close to his family and now I look like a blooming idiot!

 

He got hurt at work and I stood by him since day one took days off to go with him to the Dr. and actually risk my job as a single mother because I believed in his rights as an employee, "what the hell was I thinking" but I needed him to take one day to go to the Dr. with me for something far more important and he said he only had one week left and he was using that for deer hunting. I was in shock and felt like the least important person in the world to anyone. How can somebody have that much control over how you feel??? The worst part is he treats me so lovingly when we are together. I'm so confused and not understanding how someone can treat you like that when I could never be that way to anyone?

[Summer2000]

Trust me honey I feel the same as you.. My ex had a stiff neck and I stayed with him for a few days, put work off and everything to help him.. Well Once I got a broken foot he was not able to help me.. Well I take that back, he once picked me up from my house, brought me to his and then left me for about 12 hours at his house alone.. I had a hard time with that..

 

Some people are just very selfish and just be happy that you are not that way.. You seem like you have a good heart and are willing to stand by someone you care about..

 

By any chance did your ex live in IL? Mine did and I am finding out that the people that live in IL are totally into thereselfs and they could care less about others..

 

You just need to get your things and then go n/c with this man.. I know it will be hard, as I am having a hard time too, but in the long run we will be a lot better off without them..

 

We don't need people like them in our lives.. You say you have a child, would you really want this man to be his step dad? And show your child how selfish of a person he really is?

 

I know it is hard to be with someone and for that person to be all nice to you when you are alone, but then you need something and that person is not willing to make the time to be there for you.. This is a big sign for you to stay away from this man..

 

You need to get your things from his place asap and move on with your life..

 

We are all here for you and you are not alone, I promise..

[Summer2000]

You know I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but when I was with my ex he did not even get me anything for my birthday or for x-mas.. That is how selfish of a man he is.. And he cheated on me over my birthday with a married chick..

 

So you see, you are not the only one that delt with some bad things with your ex.. But at least you see the light now and you are able to see that this man is not good for you..

 

As I am seeing my ex is not good for me..

 

I am like you, I find men that need help and I want to help to make them a better person, and I need to stop doing that as well..

 

You are going to be okay.. Just try and stay strong and remember you are not alone at all..

[krittal67]

He is not quite that bad he recognizes me in many ways and shows me that he loves me in many ways and gives me gifts for x-mas and b-days which doesn't make it any better. He is not that cruel, he is just not conscious of what he is really feeling. He has never dealt with the fact that his x left him for another woman. His pride has been destroyed and he refuses to deal with it. I think that is where most of his anger comes from. I honestly think he is just a chicken and hasn't wanted to tell me that he has problems, and creates a defence mechanism against me.

[Guest]

I think this guy is using you as a crutch, perhaps he doesn't want to be on his own!! He has had 18 months to get over this other woman, and I'm sorry to say this as I know it is painfull, but saying what he said to you after having made love is not thoughtless, it is cruel. You sound like a really nice person, don't let him take any more of your precious time!!!

 

I've been dating this guy for a year and a half at first we took things really slow became friends, then took it from there, things were going great and he told me one day when we got into a little bit of an arguement that he is scared to death of commitment, and don't know if he will ever be able to do that, but not saying that he won't, it will just take time. Well...you would think after a year and a half he would know something. He was married for 24 years. He is definately not still in love with her as she hurt him deeply by coming out that she is gay. WOW (can you say pride crusher). I told him that he needs to take time in his own mind to come to terms with that. During this 1 1/2 yrs. I have become close to his children and his grandson, and I still want to be part of their lives but after yesterday I don't know if I can even do that. Yesterday was kind of the icing on the cake I stayed all night we slept together and during the day had sex again, then about mid day I said what time are the kids coming out and he said I didn't know they were I'm going to the topless bar in town tonight. I don't know but I suddenly felt sick to my stomach....and thought what a low life to sleep with me and then say I'm going to a topless bar! I honestly felt sick and like a mere piece of ass. He says their is nothing wrong with going to a place like that, I agree but the way he said it I felt disgusted it was almost like he wanted to hurt me. I left telling him that it is not OK to treat people like **** or make them feel like ****. I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing...but the famous last words I love and care about him and at times think I should just give him time, but on the other hand just be done with him he's got issues! I did the thing w/writing down all the pros and cons and the cons far outweighed the pros. The bad part is we work together! What should I do?

[krittal67]

He has talked to me and still tells me he loves me and did end up going to the Dr., but that is about the extent of it. It's just not the same anymore for me....he says I'm so angry well.....I have tried not to be angry, but when someone makes you feel like he has it's hard not have anger towards them. As for his x-wife I don't think he is over her he just has not come to terms with his pride being crushed because she is now gay...and was towards the end of their marriage. That is something that is pretty tough to swallow. He was hurt terribly by her....and now I think he is in fear of having any feelings for anyone else, that might take him a long time....I in the mean time don't want to be his crutch or just his friend I find that hard to do when you are with someone for so long...maybe later but not right now. I still have a little piece of him.....when he calls or talks to me @ work, which makes it hard. I'm having a hard time excepting all this and now all the Dr. stuff that he should be involved with. He has made me miserable lately and I'm having a hard time with all of it....but in time as they say I should get over it. I just want to know WHEN!!!