Guest Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 On another thread someone mentioned that so many W's tend to forgive their cheating H's nowadays since cheating has become so common. Is this true? Have we just accepted cheating now? Have you? Will we accept anything once it becomes common? Are you really able to trust that person again? What does that teach the cheater if you stay with them after they cheat? Personally I could not stay with a cheater and I didn't.
luvstarved Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 It is very hard to say what one would or would not do until actually confronted with it. Also, we change as time goes on. There was a time when I probably would have stayed with a cheater, when I was more naive. But I have made it clear to my H WAAAAY before we got married that it was a no excuses dealbreaker for me. Having said that, though, the other day I found some info that made me suspicious and while I was thinking of how to confront him, I found myself considering giving him a "one day free pass" to tell the whole truth. I talked myself out of it, knowing that I would never really be able to forgive and forget, but I DID think about it. Fortunately it turned out to be a false alarm, but there was that unexpected little voice in my head considering letting him get away with it...so it is hard to know for sure. As to its acceptability, I think that is BS. Statistics shouldn't mean squat. They probably do, however, and that is sad. It seems like just another lame-o excuse for self-indulgence to me. I was talking to my H the other day, and I said "do we really want to be in the majority here? Don't we want to do BETTER than that. I want to BUCK statistics and have a great marriage!" Not there yet, but working on it...
stillafool Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 It shouldn't be accepted and the more it is accepted the worst it's going to get. The thing is some married people would rather put up with a cheating spouse rather than be alone. Some say it's the vows they made even though people break promises all the time on other things. A lot say it's for the kids, but all this teaches them is it's okay to stay with someone who cheats on you. I think the real reason is financially it's easier.
outofdarkness Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 On another thread someone mentioned that so many W's tend to forgive their cheating H's nowadays since cheating has become so common. Is this true? Have we just accepted cheating now? Have you? Will we accept anything once it becomes common? Are you really able to trust that person again? What does that teach the cheater if you stay with them after they cheat? Personally I could not stay with a cheater and I didn't. no...I do not think it is accepted or acceptable...However; every couple is different and every situation is different. Who cares what the REASONS are that the couple decides to work it out..The important thing is that that is THEIR decision and should be respected..No, I don't think it's possible to forget the cheating...ever, but I DO think it's possible to forgive...To be able to forgive is the greatest gift that you can give yourself... I believe that trust can be rebuilt with much effort on both sides. If one spouse's heart isn't in it, then most likely it will not work...I think if both are willing, what does it hurt to at least try? I think now days, it's almost like you can go and get a drive thru divorce...It's too easy and accepted..I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive situation, but there are circumstances where the marriage CAN and DOES work... As far as what it "teaches" the cheater by staying with them...My opinion is that it can be a learning experience for both spouse's...I don't think we're talking about kids here, are we? We are talking about two adults capable of making their own informed decisions. Cheaters aren't babies...They know right from wrong. Do women stay with their H's for financial reasons, or because of the kids? Yes, many times, I believe this IS indeed the case, but if they are happy, learning about themselves and rebuilding a life for themselves, why does it matter what the original reasons were for trying to make it work? Marriage is complicated...We marry for different reasons, love and sex only being part of it if you want my opinion...We want companions, good fathers, someone who can contribute to our family financially, emotionally and spirtually...Do A's fill a void in a marriage? I don't feel that I can answer that definitively, but I can say that I think it's important to examine the entire relationship...Many times, the spouse who's been cheated on will discover some things about themselves that need to be worked on individually...In turn....these things could help the marriage heal...This is what has happened to me after discovering that my H had cheated for over 10 years...I had some things that I needed to work on for MYSELF...These things will be helpful to me while in the process of rebuilding my life, whether my H and stay together for the rest of our lives or not..Hope I've made sense...
Mz. Pixie Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I think that the reason it seems more acceptable now is that it's known about more now. Years ago, we didn't have the internet or television shows about infidelity. You didn't see it as much in the mainstream media because those kind of issues were just not discussed. People still did it, they just either didn't get caught or if they did it wasn't talked about. Many wives simply just turned the other way when their spouses cheated. Divorce was a big scandal for a family to go through. So, people button their lips and stayed together for the kids. Usually the women were SAHM's or couldn't support themselves. Now women are capable of making money to support themselves so many more of them leave cheaters than before. If a woman cheated years ago she was branded as an adulteress if it was talked about at all. So, no I do not think it's more acceptable now. Its just talked about more.
catgirl1927 Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 I don't think it's more or less acceptable, or more or less common. I just think people talk about it more. Oh, sorry, Ms. P, that's exactly what you said!!
samsungxoxo Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 No, cheating is not acceptable under any circumstances. Either talk with your partner about your current sittuation/problem or just walk away, not never involve someone else. As for me, I got no tolerance for it on my book.
wellwithitall Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Many times, the spouse who's been cheated on will discover some things about themselves that need to be worked on individually...In turn....these things could help the marriage heal...This is what has happened to me after discovering that my H had cheated for over 10 years...I had some things that I needed to work on for MYSELF...These things will be helpful to me while in the process of rebuilding my life, whether my H and stay together for the rest of our lives or not..Hope I've made sense... ______ This was true for me. I really got to know myself and realize that I wasn't happy with me. I am a better person today because of it. After 17 yrs of marriage my husband dropped the bomb of his affair. It was fairly in the new stages and he "needed" to find out about her. I told him that I forgave him because I believe that our love, marriage and family meant more then the affair. I worked on me while he was miserable. I didn't take him back because it was acceptable behavior. It wasn't and never will be okay to cheat for any reason. As was said everyone's situation is different and you do what you feel is best for you. After 3 months he broke it off...yes I know it is over for sure!!! She has found a new OM as she is married too. We have been back for just over 2 months and we are both more dedicated to each other and our family then ever. To each his own....what works for one may not for another. We have to be happy with our decisions and live with them..whatever they maybe.
elijahBailey Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 It's not in my book either, but I do feel it's becoming more 'acceptable', as well as being more talked about. It's like, you hear it all the time, and you become numb about it after a well.
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 wow! out of the darkness! what an amazing post! you sound pretty freaking kewl! nice balanced look at things. will u marry me? damn! you mentioned a hubby! oppppppppppsy!
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