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why do they want to be friends when the affair is over?

lovernotafighter

By lovernotafighter
in The Other Man / Woman

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Freedom Now Established Member

Freedom Now

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Good girl Butafly.

 

When I told my xMM to get lost, I said much the same thing. I am nobody's second choice.

 

Too bad, so sad. :)

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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ExMM did this too me. He got married, called me on his honeymoon, called me when he got back from his honeymoon. I finally answered my phone to say stop calling, He said he wishes he could quick calling but he can't stop thinking of me. I think ultimally its to keep the door open. In his case he wasn't sure if marrying his wife was the right thing and just in case he wanted me there as backup. I informed him I am not his consolation prize if things don't work out w/her.

 

OMG, you are kidding.....thank you....I refuse to be back up either....this is very well said ....man these types of people are pathetic

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

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hey LNAF....do we have the same ex-MM....they sound very much a like. I was so confused also....ex-MM "keeping tabs" on me....he makes it appear as if he "really loves me"....it was anything but love

frannie Established Member

frannie

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...but we promptly resumed NC.

 

he broke it a couple of weeks ago and begged me to try to be his friend...everything seems the same as what I wrote..so I don't understand at all.

 

is it really possible of a MM to want a friendship with someone they have been intimate with and maintains they are in love with?

 

my mind says no way. but I told my MM I didn't want this, it was either all or nothing..he says he loves me and wants a future with me and friendship won't hurt either of us, he thinks when we are both 'out of woods' then we can go back to what we had or something.

 

this is some really weird MM jibberish to me...

 

I've said this several times on this board: I don't think this kind of behaviour is anything (necessarily) to do with MM, but rather a kind of person. I've been involved with someone like this in the past and when I see it, it just takes me right back to them.

 

After all, we've seen bonehead, a MM (at one time), who is NOTHING like this. It's not to do with being married, but being a certain type of manipulative person.

 

I've posted a url on another thread today which puts this kind of behaviour into perspective, and explains some other behaviour from ex-MM (stalking, abusive behaviour, 'lets extend the deadline' talk, etc.) which other ex-OW have been writing about. Here is an excerpt:

 

"8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!" "

 

http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html

 

It's about a TYPE of person, rather than a situation. Mine was single! And even if he were not married, nothing (other than prolonged therapy) would change the way they are... they're lost (I wouldn't call them 'losers' as the article does).

scaredinlove Established Member

scaredinlove

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I am asking because my MM wants this badly..but why?

 

I confirmed I wouldn't tell and he has nothing to fear, I told him not to be friends with me for the wrong reasons....to me there is no point just more heart ache...I really don't understand.

 

I want out, help me.

 

He hpoes that he can go to the affair later.....Or maybe he just really likes you and don't want you out of his life.

lasan Established Member

lasan

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People cannot be friends after a breakup! That is a known fact, he knows this too! He's just being selfish and wants what he wants.

 

I disagree with part of this. People can be friends after a break up. However I do agree with the end half of what you said. I would make the break complete in this situation.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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OK, if enough time has gone by and all the feelings are completely gone too. THEN it is possible to be friends. I just assumed most knew what I meant by being friends right after a breakup.

lasan Established Member

lasan

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after re-reading it, I can see what you meant. When I read it the first time, I thought you meant ever. Sorry bout that.

sadbuttrue Established Member

sadbuttrue

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freedom now, i wish i had your strength. i can see myself in your situation with my MM. i know it will kill me when this is over. friendship would not be a possibility with him after all we have been to each other.

Freedom Now Established Member

Freedom Now

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Thanks sadbuttrue. I have developed some strength but it took a long while before I got it. Unfortunately I had to go through a tremendous amount of pain before I got to the point of walking away from my xMM.

 

And I still have weak moments. I have a break up buddy whom I can talk to when I get weak. She keeps me on the right path. ANd she understands because she was an OW also. She and I are walking this journey together side by side. When one of us is weak, the other is strong.

 

I thank God for her.

 

Please take care of yourself. I know it is hard. It is still hard for me. But I have hope that by taking care of myself, I will recover. But it is a long, hard walk to recovery. And some days are better than others.

 

Baby steps. As movinon on always said to me, "Baby steps."

torranceshipman Established Member

torranceshipman

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Butafly, what?? He called you on his honeymoon?? The guy is insane...in fact, I've been on this site for 2 or 3 days only, and not only have I had fab advice....but it's opened my eyes to how people REALLY can lie. I think I might seriously just stop listening to the 'i love you's' and walk away from the guy I'm involved with now.

 

Seriously, called you on his honeymoon.....what is going on??

 

The guy I'm involved with - long term girlfriend but no kids/marriage/mortgage together, supposedly loves me but hasn't left...you know what, maybe he might as well have 12 kids and a 10yr marriage as I tell you something,,,these guys all seem to be telling EXACTLY the same story, kids or no kids, marriage or no marriage...

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
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Butafly, what?? He called you on his honeymoon?? The guy is insane...in fact, I've been on this site for 2 or 3 days only, and not only have I had fab advice....but it's opened my eyes to how people REALLY can lie. I think I might seriously just stop listening to the 'i love you's' and walk away from the guy I'm involved with now.

 

Seriously, called you on his honeymoon.....what is going on??

 

The guy I'm involved with - long term girlfriend but no kids/marriage/mortgage together, supposedly loves me but hasn't left...you know what, maybe he might as well have 12 kids and a 10yr marriage as I tell you something,,,these guys all seem to be telling EXACTLY the same story, kids or no kids, marriage or no marriage...

 

he figures - he will tell you what you want to hear to keep you hanging on and hanging around.... works for him - right? he gets what he wants.... hmmmm

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