Crimson107 Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 I had an affair for a month and a half. I told the OW I confessed and she hang up angry. At that point, I ignored her and felt I was doing the right thing. I want my marriage to work and trying to be patient with my wife's betrayed feelings ( cause I hurt her). So It's been 2 weeks and the OW called me on my cell phone. Fortunately or not, My wife and I were trying to spend that time working on each other. Her call ruined our day but my wife got a chance to talk to her and ask her not to contact me anymore. Unfortunately, I can't calm my wife's suspisions. If the OW calls I will still tell her that she wasn't suppose to contact me. I would like to be polite to her and explain my marriage and family is most important in my life. However, My wife will see that as caring for her. I am too nice and it is a fault. I will tell my wife she called but she will hate it if it happens. I want more solid ways to show my wife I am serious about working on us. Of course, her arguement is that if I loved her I wouldn't have done it. I really don't know how to respond. I don't love the other woman. We worked out a deal for cheap sex (but it cost everything). The OW wanted me to stay but I never developed anything strong enough to want to leave my kids and wife. I fell so stupid and regret my pigness greatly. Any ideas to show I am serious about my wife and marriage again? Actions will speaking louder than my words since I used words to lie so recently. . .
RecoverMe Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Aah Crimson- you sound like a good guy. my husband went through this, he is a nice guy and i think had a hard time telling ow that she had to stop calling him. your wife is going through what i went through. believe me she will weigh each and every one of your actions .. I like to call it the "bank" and every time my h did something significant towards rebuilding my trust and winning me back it's a "deposit". note that there can be withdrawals too, and I to say but sparing the ow.s feeling is more like a withdrawal than a deposit. she is the lowest person in this threesome, your wife being #1, you #2, she the lowest. you don't owe her any decency at this point. You owe all your energy, love and willingness to work towards a positive outcome to your wife and your wife only. ignore ows. calls, change your cell phone #, do whatever it takes. ask your wife what she needs from you right now, if she can even focus through her incredible pain. you're on the right track, hang in there.......it'll be the rollercoaster ride from hell but if you love her it's worth it and it'll be ok gotta go get dinner on the table but let me know how things are going.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Change your cell number! And in the meantime, block her number. It's over with the OW, you owe her nothing now. She is attempting to lure you back because she's hurting and wanting what you two had...Problem is, it may take her time to realize that it really IS over. And, is the OW married as well? If so, or if she's seeing someone, let her know that if she contacts you again, both you and your wife will be letting her spouse know what she has been up to...Her calls WILL stop. You do ALL necessary to make sure your wife feels loved, secure and always be truthful with her about the OW. I wish you luck and I hope it works out for you.
Author Crimson107 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 Afraid to change my number because I need to keep it consistent for my move. I have put it out so much to get contacted for a job. I don't want to ruin a chance for employment. I moved several states from the OW so all she can do is call or email. I think she won't be a pest but wife is still gonna have doubts. I will change Number if I have to but it' hurts in other ways that are important. Finding a job is the next important thing after marriage. W is running the gambant of emotions. Patience is the hardest thing I need at the most right now. . . send prayers please.
jonesgirly Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Block her number. If you can't, in your phone book (on your cell), put her number under the name "DO NOT ANSWER". When she calls, "DO NOT ANSWER" will come up on your cell.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Block her email address as well so that way you won't get any emails from her. And show your wife that you've done this. I like JG's idea about the cell phone too.
Author Crimson107 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 Aah Crimson- you sound like a good guy. my husband went through this, he is a nice guy and i think had a hard time telling ow that she had to stop calling him. your wife is going through what i went through. believe me she will weigh each and every one of your actions .. I like to call it the "bank" and every time my h did something significant towards rebuilding my trust and winning me back it's a "deposit". note that there can be withdrawals too, and I to say but sparing the ow.s feeling is more like a withdrawal than a deposit. she is the lowest person in this threesome, your wife being #1, you #2, she the lowest. you don't owe her any decency at this point. You owe all your energy, love and willingness to work towards a positive outcome to your wife and your wife only. ignore ows. calls, change your cell phone #, do whatever it takes. ask your wife what she needs from you right now, if she can even focus through her incredible pain. you're on the right track, hang in there.......it'll be the rollercoaster ride from hell but if you love her it's worth it and it'll be ok gotta go get dinner on the table but let me know how things are going. Thanks for saying the nice words and hope that I might be on track like your husband. What was his answer to why he had an affair? Mine was a ego boost and only affirmed my desire for my wife. It was a trap that I let myself get into with stupid temptation. It is not hard to greive the OW cause it was just sex to me. I give it up cause I hate the pain it has caused forever. But, If I am such a good guy and love her why did I do it in the first place? She doesn't accpet the answer that I still love her deeply and it was just a stroke to my ego. She can never forget but neither can I forget my stupid time pursuing something empty and shallow. I wish I could go back in time because if I waited my wife would be showing me all the bliss I was missing. . How do I comfort her doubts? I really am sorry
jmargel Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 If she calls, don't answer. Don't delete it off your phone & let your wife know. If your wife is there while she calls, let your wife answer. You two gone to marriage counseling?
RecoverMe Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 my h changed his cell #, it was imperative since that was the environment for their affair (she was an out of towner). he did it willingly and it scored big points with me. I needed him to do tha, b/c the hugest part of his deceit and betrayal was after I had found out and told him he would have to cut off contact with her, he snuck around some more by getting another cell phone that I didn't find out for 10 days, so for 10 days he was telling me he loved me and wanted nothing more than for me to take him back and love him, but was talking to her concurrently every f-ing day. He has been patient which is what you'll have to sleep eat and breath for along time. you can't rush it, b/c it takes time. i know you want the suffering to stop, but she can't just shut off her pain with a switch. if you are willing to do what she needs, that will help. she should be at the forefront of your thoughts. and to answer the question of why he did it, he beleives i didn't love him, was stupid, lonely and maybe had to find out if he really loved me, and of course if I really loved him. what a mess. It took him alot longer to figure this out, from what his first response was "I was confused" in which I laughted at b/c his action of course sent me into a world way beyond "being confused." I'ts been 4 months for me and I stil have moments of rage, confuseion, despair and utter hurt. Time, time and more time like the others said. and your willingness to stick it through
31527S Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I can respect a person's decision to end an unhealthy relationship and heal their marriage. The question that comes to me is why would such a nice guy have an affair 'just for sex'? Nobody held a gun to your head. You are responsible for your actions. Do you believe that your OW is an object to fill your ego/sexual needs and doesn't deserve to be treated like a human being with feelings? Did you express your desire to end your affair w/her in a kind and loving way? Or just discard her when you decided that you were hurting your wife and marriage? The way you treat people speaks to kind of person YOU are. You betrayed your wife, betrayed the OW, and now want to move on. If you treat any human being (especially one that you were intimate with) with such callousness when you no longer need/want them, this is a character trait that YOU possess. Perhaps therapy would help you discover why your marriage wasn't working, and what issues YOU need to work through. Good luck. with metta
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 i am not the sharpest tool in the shed but i have finally come around to the importance of this no contact deal. briefly, my situation was, i was left by someone and really had no idea why. slowly information started to appear that made me think that an affair was the reason - but because i really was only making assumptions, i trugded along blinded by naive trust and love. now the person that left me, started no contact right away, and being new to this 'rule' i goofed up on occassion. problem was, this person would play games in such a way that they would show remorse or interest and i would reply in kind, but it was always 'on the exterior' edges of communication - and my efforts to make 'meaningful real-life contact' was always greated with a heavy handed response. at first, i was confused, why am i, the one not playing, putting myself at risk? i finally realized that 'my reputation' and 'my standing' in life was being needless threatened. for example: i did my best to avoid contact but find a way to ask for something of mine back in a way that was honest and without any fear - only to find that i had been 'reported'! well, i am a quick learner. the second time i was 'informed' - that was the day - i stopped completely and totally moved on. and stopped trying to figure things out. it was the last straw in what i saw as our attempts to simply do the right thing but sometimes the right thing, is the last thing you really think about - no contact. so, instead of asking for say 'keys' - i changed my locks. instead of worrying about a call, i changed my number. instead of worrying about computers, i changed passwords and isp, and removed any blogs or sites. removed and erased it all. so, that is what will always be because i realize now that any other action on my part, positive and caring or not, will be used against me and i will not allow that. so, long story, short conclusion - i started about disbelieving in no contact, and now i must use it for the rest of my life.
shortnsassy Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I had an affair for a month and a half. I told the OW I confessed and she hang up angry. At that point, I ignored her and felt I was doing the right thing. I want my marriage to work and trying to be patient with my wife's betrayed feelings ( cause I hurt her). So It's been 2 weeks and the OW called me on my cell phone. Fortunately or not, My wife and I were trying to spend that time working on each other. Her call ruined our day but my wife got a chance to talk to her and ask her not to contact me anymore. Unfortunately, I can't calm my wife's suspisions. If the OW calls I will still tell her that she wasn't suppose to contact me. I would like to be polite to her and explain my marriage and family is most important in my life. However, My wife will see that as caring for her. I am too nice and it is a fault. I will tell my wife she called but she will hate it if it happens. I want more solid ways to show my wife I am serious about working on us. Of course, her arguement is that if I loved her I wouldn't have done it. I really don't know how to respond. I don't love the other woman. We worked out a deal for cheap sex (but it cost everything). The OW wanted me to stay but I never developed anything strong enough to want to leave my kids and wife. I fell so stupid and regret my pigness greatly. Any ideas to show I am serious about my wife and marriage again? Actions will speaking louder than my words since I used words to lie so recently. . . you had an affair. once affair is allway an affair. she needs to walk out of your life. and find someone else,
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I had an affair for a month and a half. I told the OW I confessed and she hang up angry. At that point, I ignored her and felt I was doing the right thing. I want my marriage to work and trying to be patient with my wife's betrayed feelings ( cause I hurt her). So It's been 2 weeks and the OW called me on my cell phone. Fortunately or not, My wife and I were trying to spend that time working on each other. Her call ruined our day but my wife got a chance to talk to her and ask her not to contact me anymore. Unfortunately, I can't calm my wife's suspisions. If the OW calls I will still tell her that she wasn't suppose to contact me. I would like to be polite to her and explain my marriage and family is most important in my life. However, My wife will see that as caring for her. I am too nice and it is a fault. I will tell my wife she called but she will hate it if it happens. I want more solid ways to show my wife I am serious about working on us. Of course, her arguement is that if I loved her I wouldn't have done it. I really don't know how to respond. I don't love the other woman. We worked out a deal for cheap sex (but it cost everything). The OW wanted me to stay but I never developed anything strong enough to want to leave my kids and wife. I fell so stupid and regret my pigness greatly. Any ideas to show I am serious about my wife and marriage again? Actions will speaking louder than my words since I used words to lie so recently. . . Crimson, I think you have to change your number. Speaking as a very recent exOW this will be the best thing all round. You have been straight with your OW and that is all you can do. Yes, it WILL be hard for her but the more chance there is of contact the longer it will take her to get over things. I am finding it very hard to let go of my MM (harder maybe because he says he still loves me but is staying for his kids) and I know that if he changed his number there would be no way of me contacting him which would make things easier as I have zero willpower as far as he is concerned. I sometimes wish he would just lie to me and tell me it's his wife he loves and not me, and then I would have no choice but to move on. You have made the decision to be with your wife because she is the one you love. Of course, you are a decent guy who doesn't want to upset the OW any more than is necessary, so you just have to be cruel to be kind. Best of luck!
simon_uk Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Aah Crimson- you sound like a good guy. How do you work that one out? my husband went through this, he is a nice guy Repeat the first question. How do you work that one out? she is the lowest person in this threesome, your wife being #1, you #2, she the lowest. Wow, I must be stupid today. Heres me thinking the guy who is married and cheating on his wife is the lowest of the low.
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Wow, I must be stupid today. Heres me thinking the guy who is married and cheating on his wife is the lowest of the low. Well said! I am an ex-OW and I know my faults - what I have done is morally wrong - but the MM is the one who has made those vows (in a church or wherever) and should abide by them. However, Cirmson is obv genuinely sorry for what he has done and is trying to make amends the best way he can. We are here for support - not judgement - on ANYONE - the OW or otherwise!
simon_uk Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Well said! I am an ex-OW and I know my faults - what I have done is morally wrong - but the MM is the one who has made those vows (in a church or wherever) and should abide by them. However, Cirmson is obv genuinely sorry for what he has done and is trying to make amends the best way he can. We are here for support - not judgement - on ANYONE - the OW or otherwise! Agreed. I am not judging anybody. I am disagreeing with the poster who said that the OW is the lowest.
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