Self-analysis: Why do you want a MM/MW?

[NotKelly]

For those of you who have contemplated, or have actually been involved with, a MM or MW... have you ever arrived at any insights about why you would want to go through this trouble?

 

I am not involved with a MM currently, but admit that I have entertained such thoughts (I have a friend who is married who sometimes seems interested and has captured my imagination, at least).

 

I've really thought about this and fortunately, having been through therapy over the last couple years (which led to the happy event of my ending a 15-year relationship that was going nowhere and was seriously draining me), I really believe it's true what they say: relationships involving already-married people have something to do with your childhood upbringing, or issues with your "family of origin" (mother, father, siblings etc) . But that's just my view. (Also, they say that when married people seek out affairs, it also has to do with an unmet family-of-origin need)

 

Having thought about it recently, I think for me, the (even simply fantasized) prospect of having an affair with a MM goes back to independence issues. My ex-BF actually had a better relationship with my family than I did and my mother pretty much treated him like her son, or a male family member who was to be expected to be her handyman, shovel the driveway, etc. In fact my mother reacted more negatively when we broke up than my BF did. You know, nothing like "Do what you feel is best, I support you" just, "How could you do this" and "what's the matter with you." And in fact, this came out in my therapy (which my mom doesn't know about, by the way) that I felt that not only did I ever feel like my BF was really "all mine" but I felt like he utterly did not ever care about me being special to him either. (He was emotionally dependent on me and increasingly, financially dependent. It was like he would "repay" me for paying most of the bills, by doing odd jobs for my mother... never in anything resembling affection or attentiveness to my needs... I felt so used.)

 

And now I think about it and I wonder if part of the attractiveness of the prospect of an affair with an MM has to do with that - that I may not be able to "have him," but neither will my family. That they would never get their grubbies on him because, you know, I could never have an open relationship with him (they wouldn't know about it obviously). I'm not saying it's rational... just that I wonder if that is the underlying reason why I would even consider having such a relationship.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

And that is another reason why I don't go to therapy.

 

Therapists try to find the fifth leg of the cat.

 

Things are very simple, no need to go through all those loops.

 

Your mom was nice to the guy and he helped her.

 

The guy was not that into you, but liked your help.

 

You are lonely and are entertaining thoughts about a married guy.

 

In my case, I got involved with a MM because I fell in love with him.

 

Ariadne

[Guest]

Yes, "love" never requires an explanation... yadda yadda.

[GreenEyedLady]

NK: I don't think that being involved with a MM/MW has anything to do with family upbringing. I am from an intact family with a single sibling. We attended church regularly and I graduated from college with Master's degrees. We were the typical middle class family.

 

The atypical part of my story is I married at 23 had two children and left my husband when he turned out to be gay, which was 5+ years later.

 

When you reach a certain age, most men who want to be, are married. So there are less men who are appropriate and single and MM pretending to be single. And I think that it has more to do with the people that we run across and the simple fact that we are single. I thought that my MM was single, so I can't say that I set out "wanting a mm." He just turned out to be one.

 

Also, I think women end up in these relationships because they have a connection with that particular person, regardless of their marital status.

[SixthSt.Girl]

"Also, I think women end up in these relationships because they have a connection with that particular person, regardless of their marital status."

 

Me, too. My parents have a good relationship, and I was never abused as a child. I fell for someone who happens to be married. I was lonely, disillusioned. He showed interest in me, made me feel wanted, respected me, coached me. Neither of us made a move, though I wanted to - the guilt of him being married was part of the reason. I moved on, but now that he is back in my life, it's difficult.

 

I do feel jealous that a lot of my old friends are getting married. It doesn't seem fair that I haven't found someone. I have had some some bad circumstances and experiences in the past couple of years - my inability to "find myself" and be successful jobwise has been the backdrop issue. If more good things were happening in my life, I'd be stronger and maybe have more respect for myself and others. But, there is also an undeniable attraction between myself and this man, and that would exist no matter what.

[Freedom Now]

I am one of the women who doesn't WANT a MM. I want a man who is FREE to pursue a relationship with me. I never have had a taste for unavailable men. Drama, to me, is not a fun thing.

 

Having said that, I found myself in love with a MM quite to my surprise. Lo and behold, after I fell for him, he admitted he was married.

 

Now that I know he is married, I do not want to be a part of an affair. The time I spent in the affair is time that I spent hurting and crying and gnashing my teeth.

 

I, for one, do NOT and will NOT go for a married man. It is just simply emotionally and physically exhausting. And wise women know that if it hurts, it probably isn't good for you.

 

Peace.

[Guest]

I've been lurking off and on for a while and I'm ready to post. You know, I have a BA in psychology and I've read about 100 books on psychology. People don't know what makes a man and a women want each other. They can guess, but for every research based opinion, there is another that contradicts it. No one is privy to an understanding of the universe that others don't have. It's just not so. Each of us knows an important piece.

 

But, really, if you look at love cross-culturally and over history, no one really knows why some men love some women and vice verse. I believe that modern-day psychologists have this illusion that they have somehow stumbled onto a greater insight than all the other humans that have come before them. It's not all about "self-esteem" or "abandonment issues" or "emotional unavailablity". It's just Not true. It's a mystery for all of us. Marriage has been different things to different people over time. Know that. I'm not rationalizing this... it's fact.

 

 

I have been involved with a mm. I never would have considered being with someone married before I met him. It was guy specific. And in this culture, we think this is really wrong. But my need for him is not about self-discipline or morality or selfishness. It's just a plain reality. I'm not attracted to married men in general. I like this man. And it has nothing to do and maybe everything to do with how I was raised. But it doesn't matter. Get it? It's just how we are made. All humans struggle with right and wrong and attraction and lust and love and our needs.

 

Consider that, the next time Dr. Phil comes on and reams some poor soul for merely living her life in a way that Dr. Phil doesn't understand or approve of. He's not God although he likes to think so.

[stillhere]

I don't have any deep seated childhood issues, i was just looking for a little fun and excitement to put into my dead and dull M. Boy, did i get more than i bargained for!

 

If this A ever ends, i promise you and i promise myself, that i will never be involved with a MM again. What i am going through is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life.

 

And the hardest part, is the waiting. Waiting for him to decide if i'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Although i know he does, and so does he, it's his decision on whether or not he thinks i'm worth giving up all that he has.

 

I don't know how much more my heart can take.

[Freedom Now]

Stillhere,

 

You should not be in "waiting" mode. That puts you at a distinct disadvantage. He knows that you are "waiting" for him to decide what he wants to do. This makes you powerless in this relationship.

 

You need to decide if this is what YOU want: the agony, the torture, the pain, the waiting and wondering.

 

When your heart has had enough, you will let go. I hope, for your sake, it is soon. There is only so much pain any man is worth.

 

Freedom Now

[stillhere]

Stillhere,

 

You should not be in "waiting" mode. That puts you at a distinct disadvantage. He knows that you are "waiting" for him to decide what he wants to do. This makes you powerless in this relationship.

 

You need to decide if this is what YOU want: the agony, the torture, the pain, the waiting and wondering.

 

When your heart has had enough, you will let go. I hope, for your sake, it is soon. There is only so much pain any man is worth.

 

Freedom Now

 

It's not that i want to be in waiting mode, i hate this. I'm just afraid that if i do walk away, that if there was a chance, it will be gone. It's stupid and insane thinking, i know this, but i'm afraid to lose him.

 

There is no logical explanation for my outrageous thoughts, it's something that i have to deal with because it's my choice. I know what i'm putting myself through, so i have to suck it up.

 

I also realize that when i have had enough, then i will walk away. Not sure when that day will be, maybe it will never come and he'll decide i'm the one he wants. Only time will tell, and until then, i have to enjoy the good times and prepare to deal with anything that life will throw my way. Good or bad.

 

I'm more powerful in this A then you think. I have many offers, even guys ask HIM to set me up with them. He knows that i can up and leave at any time, and that is what scares him. So yes, in a way, i do have a lot of power.

[Guest]

I have a BA in psychology

 

Apparently you can get a degree in psychology from the inside of a cracker jack box these days because your statements about your own affair are reeking of self-delusion. Your need for him is not about self-discipline or morality or selfishness? Yeah, Ok. Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep through the night.

[Joelle]

I have been involved with a mm. I never would have considered being with someone married before I met him. It was guy specific. And in this culture, we think this is really wrong. But my need for him is not about self-discipline or morality or selfishness. It's just a plain reality. I'm not attracted to married men in general. I like this man. And it has nothing to do and maybe everything to do with how I was raised. But it doesn't matter. Get it? It's just how we are made. All humans struggle with right and wrong and attraction and lust and love and our needs.

 

I understand where you're coming from.

[GreenEyedLady]

Apparently you can get a degree in psychology from the inside of a cracker jack box these days because your statements about your own affair are reeking of self-delusion. Your need for him is not about self-discipline or morality or selfishness? Yeah, Ok. Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep through the night.

 

Just because someone thinks differently than you "Guest," does not mean that they are delusional...further your sarcasm is unwarranted...if you have insight to share, share it...otherwise, keep "The world according to Guest" to yourself...

[pricillia]

It's not that i want to be in waiting mode, i hate this. I'm just afraid that if i do walk away, that if there was a chance, it will be gone. It's stupid and insane thinking, i know this, but i'm afraid to lose him.

 

There is no logical explanation for my outrageous thoughts, it's something that i have to deal with because it's my choice. I know what i'm putting myself through, so i have to suck it up.

 

I also realize that when i have had enough, then i will walk away. Not sure when that day will be, maybe it will never come and he'll decide i'm the one he wants. Only time will tell, and until then, i have to enjoy the good times and prepare to deal with anything that life will throw my way. Good or bad.

 

I'm more powerful in this A then you think. I have many offers, even guys ask HIM to set me up with them. He knows that i can up and leave at any time, and that is what scares him. So yes, in a way, i do have a lot of power.

 

 

Still,

 

I feel the same way, that if I walk away I will give up something pretty great, I am not sure what to do, however when I found out he was a MM I thought ok it is over, but then I could not walk away.

 

He knows that he can trust me now and he has become more open with me and I feel like I am getting closer to him, both good and bad

[owcanbhppy]

this may be redundant of what others said here, but my situation has nothing to do w/ desiring a mm, its my connection w/ A man. having an affair was strictly out of the question until a particular man, who happened to be mrd, grew & grew on me.

 

gel, you tell her! i believe its the same, or one of the same few guests, who doesnt even have the guts to get their own forum name, but has all kinds of 'bold' posts to make.

[pricillia]

Apparently you can get a degree in psychology from the inside of a cracker jack box these days because your statements about your own affair are reeking of self-delusion. Your need for him is not about self-discipline or morality or selfishness? Yeah, Ok. Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep through the night.

 

 

How do you know if she sleeps through the night, regardless, Seeing a MM is not easy, and for some of us was not a choice and if it was then there was a reason.

[stillhere]

Still,

 

I feel the same way, that if I walk away I will give up something pretty great, I am not sure what to do, however when I found out he was a MM I thought ok it is over, but then I could not walk away.

 

He knows that he can trust me now and he has become more open with me and I feel like I am getting closer to him, both good and bad

 

This is where our problems lie, the closeness we share with these MM's.

 

With my MM, we know each other inside and out. We are deeply in love with each other, and he's actually thinking of leaving his M that wasn't so bad when i came into the picture, even now it's not bad. He's put some serious thought into his possible leaving.

 

This is what he told me friday night when we were together. He told me that he wasn't sure if he left her, that he would be happy with me. I thought, i have my answer, now i need to make a decision. He left me alone for about 5 minutes (i was working with him and he was out of the truck), when he finally got back in, i told him that i was happy he finally laid it out for me, that i finally knew i had a choice to make.

 

He asked me if i wanted to know why he may not be happy with me, so i asked him. This is what he said "I'm not sure i could be happy because you get hit on all the time." I asked him how that was my fault, and he said "it's not your fault. I'm afraid that if i leave her, and lose everything, you will then become bored with me and i will lose you too, and then i will have nothing."

 

You have no idea what this did to me. I don't know how i can ever make him see that i won't get bored with him and toss him aside.

 

This is why i'm still here. This is why i'm still waiting. This is why i don't want to just up and leave. I love this man and he loves me.

[GreenEyedLady]

This is why i'm still here. This is why i'm still waiting. This is why i don't want to just up and leave. I love this man and he loves me.

 

SH: I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same way...

[stillhere]

GEL............no matter what way we look at it, we're ultimately setting ourselves up for disaster. I know this.

 

But it's this little ray of hope that he leaves me with that keeps me hanging on.

 

I don't know if he will leave. I don't think he knows if he'll leave. But i guess i want to say that i gave it my all. Whatever the outcome may be.

 

I told myself that i was hanging around thinking that if i made him love me enough, that he would choose me.

 

From the very beginning, up until about a month ago, he told me that he would never and could never leave. All of a sudden, he has changed his way of thinking. To me, that was all i needed to stay.

 

Was it a desperate attempt on his part to keep me here, because he was afraid i might leave him and this is his way of making me stay? I don't know, but there's only one way for me to find out.

 

As bad as it hurts, i'm in this for the long haul. I need to know one way or another, and to me, he is worth this pain.

[GreenEyedLady]

But it's this little ray of hope that he leaves me with that keeps me hanging on.

 

I told myself that i was hanging around thinking that if i made him love me enough, that he would choose me.

 

Was it a desperate attempt on his part to keep me here, because he was afraid i might leave him and this is his way of making me stay? I don't know, but there's only one way for me to find out.

 

As bad as it hurts, i'm in this for the long haul. I need to know one way or another, and to me, he is worth this pain.

 

SH: I think that we are in the same place...I had the same feeling like if I was pretty enough and successful enough and together enough maybe he would choose me...(pathetic I know, but I finally got over it and decided I couldn't be any better than I am now, or I'm not me)...

 

And then last night we had this serious conversation and he is telling me he doesn't want to lose me and he knows I'm putting up with his bulls*** and he's going to do better and not take me for granted and how much he loves me and things are going to change...etc., etc...

 

I was seriously considering breaking it off last weekend and I was so miserable thinking how it would be without him in my life, I couldn't do it...but i actually gave him this letter I wrote that told him I wouldn't wait forever and I need and want more...

 

And then it was like it always was before and I can see how much he loves me and is sorry for this mess...and I'm just not ready...if there's even a chance we'll be together, I'll wait and see...

 

Cuz right now he's worth the pain and heartache...and I love him like I have never loved anyone else...

 

I feel your pain Stillhere...

[stillhere]

It's so comforting to know that our MM do have valid feelings for us and aren't just using us for the sex. But it's also difficult because our hearts are so deeply attached to these men for that reason as well.

 

About once a month we have our serious conversations about us, especially when i'm having a breakdown at a weak moment. Sometimes it's him starting it, but it's usually me.

 

He starts when he "thinks" i'm getting bored with him. I'm not really sure where he gets that thought from, but it's not true. Fear i guess. What he really is sensing is my loneliness. My want to be normal again. My want to have a real R with someone i don't have to hide from the world.

 

What helps me is that i know he puts himself in my shoes and that he knows how valid my feelings are. And i do the same for him. That is why my fear of losing him is so great. I know what he has to lose for the sake of being with me, and i know how extremely hard it will be for him to leave a M that is not unstable.

 

I'm not sure our love is enough. But what i do know is that i will cherish every moment spent with him. Every loving word he has said to me and every loving gesture he has done.

 

There are so many times that i wanted to say enough is enough. And then we have one of our talks, and i cry, he cries, and all is forgiven. I pick myself up, suck it up, and continue. No matter who i talk to, he is the only one that gives me the comfort that i needed at that point in time.

 

There has been times when i was a wreck, and he was not planning on calling any more that day. He would call every 10 minutes or so to say that he loved me, and that he wanted to make sure i was ok. There was one time that he refused to hang up until he knew that i was alright. How can you walk away from someone like that?

[GreenEyedLady]

They know us so well...sometimes I swear he is psychic...I was having a falling apart moment when I was in the mindset that I was going to end it and he calls out of the blue (I had just seen him earlier that morning)...he asks me what I'm thinking about...AHHHH!!!...so I almost burst into tears on the phone and tell him that I just love him so much...

 

He came and stayed with me after I had surgery in June for a week and it was then that I knew that if we were ever really together that we would be good together...that just makes it harder though...

 

sometimes I think he's going to leave and other times I don't know...he hasn't so far and so I'll wait a little longer, til I get sick of waiting and go out and get what I want...It's just that right now, I want him...

[re-searching]

For those of you who have contemplated, or have actually been involved with, a MM or MW... have you ever arrived at any insights about why you would want to go through this trouble?

 

Yeah!

 

Here is the deal I have never cheated on my man/men or what have you. I was going through a break-up and was looking for FWB situation. I would be moving across the country at the time & wanted something to easily leave behind. My brilliant mind (not) thought that by finding a (long term) married man to fill the open position would:

 

(a) reduce the possibility of STD's

(b) be in a rut (where I came from) & want to let loose

© be very discreet about it

 

Actuality proved all of those ideas wrong, except (b)! I am a cautious person & learned very soon that I was not the first affair - eliminate (a). He turned into a stalker. I had problems keeping him cool. He did donuts in his truck in front of my place with his kid in the truck, okay. Months later, after the move, he kept at it until he got a number & kept calling until I changed it. So now eliminate ©!

 

I would much rather meet a single person in a rut, be straight up & forward, then take it from there. But, that is just me.

[GreenEyedLady]

RS: Your mm had SERIOUS problems....

[Guest]

How do you know if she sleeps through the night, regardless, Seeing a MM is not easy, and for some of us was not a choice and if it was then there was a reason.

 

I'm so sorry that you don't have a choice on who you have sex with. How sad for you. Please tell me one good reason that a OW would have sex with a married man. Please exclude the "I didn't know he was married". That one is clearly not the OW fault unless she continued the affair after she found out. How about being an adult and taking respponsibility for your actions?