silktricks Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 . It wasn't about morals, about his wife, his children, any of that. It was about me being EMPOWERED by realizing I had POWER. I had the POWER to make choices, and I had made some bad ones. But likewise, I good make some good ones. I can't get back the time or the tears, but I have made projects for myself that, for the past year and a half, have helped me step by step, break a horrible addiction to this man. So, if we can just look at taking responsibility as a privilege, an empowerment, that can be helpful perhaps. I hope so! This is what taking responsibility truly is. It is refusing any longer to be the "victim" of the situation. Truly taking responsibility for your own actions IS empowering. It is strengthening. It is owning your own power and your own decisions in life. Playing the victim role is self-defeating and weakening. Blaming other people for what is wrong and painful in your life only takes your power and gives it to another person. None of us make only intelligent choices. Owning our own mistakes allows us to learn from them. Putting the ownership of bad choices onto the other person who deceived or misled us only allows us to continue making bad choices and poor excuses. Taking responsibility for our own actions has nothing to do with morality, only to do with ownership of our own lives.
outofdarkness Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I can see both sides of this in the posts. I am the W of a H who cheated for over 10 years. I finally received a letter in the mail; supposedly from a "friend" of the main OW...There were multiple inbetween, although each was told by my H that he had never done it before and they were the only one...I was devastated by the letter..I totally fell apart..I lost 45 lbs in 3 months, wrecked my car from lack of sleep, couldn't stop crying, isolated to the point of severe depression and felt used, stupid and sooo hurt...So, I was mad about the letter, but in hindsight, I was happy that someone had the guts to finally tell me what he was doing. I began the healing process, we started to go to MC and me to IC...I learned many things about myself and our marriage that would have never been addressed if the A's had not happened...I was finally able to piece so many puzzling things together; ie, his irratable and sometimes verbally abusive behavior, etc, and I realized that I was not imagining things after all. I began to feel stronger and stronger and my self confidence is finally on the upswing. We are still together, but he is a different person now...Do I trust him completely...NO, and I most likely never will...I can forgive, but I will never forget. I can also see the point that it is not a good thing to interfere in someone's marriage, but by the time you become the OW, havn't you already interfered? I do wish that someone, anyone had even hinted about what my H was doing all of those years. We live in a pretty gossipy and close community, and many people knew of his cheating, but he is a very powerful and well respected person here. He grew up in the "perfect" family..NOONE would dare come down on him...Some of the OW's were friends of mine, or at least we had come into contact in some way, shape or form...I wish that someone had cared enough to tip me off...Yes, it hurts; you, your kids, your entire family, but the hurt eventually gets better and it is possible to move on and live a happy and productive life whether you choose to stay with the cheater or not. Some people just can't stand the thought of having to face the person that hurt them so much every day. It happened to me at first, but then, as I saw how hard he was trying and how remorseful he was, I began to forgive..Will we be together for the rest of our lives, I don't know, but at least now, I am well informed and have learned much about myself in the process. I think that the decision to tell the W should be based on good and honorable intentions, NOT revenge! It just takes you down to a lower level then the actual MM...I am quite certain that the W in your situation already knows how disrespectful and selfish her H is. My looked to be the perfect H and Father on the surface, but was very abusive and self centered...He litteraly put our children and I through hell for quite a number of years...Think about the REASON that you are considering telling his W..It really is none of your business about whether or not your revelation would be beneficial to their MC..You need to only be concerned with how your decisions regarding your A affects YOU...Like I said, just study what your intentions are...Go with your gut feeling and don't let your anger and resentment cloud your judgment...You sound intelligent and kind, don't let him take that away from you by lowering yourself to write a letter out of revenge. You don't sound like that sort of person, you just sound like you're hurting and don't know what direction to turn...Good luck
SortingItOut Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 The OW telling is not what hurts the W, it's the cheating and the lying done by her H. It might seem ugly for OW to tell W, it might even be revenge, but who else could tell her? Her H is not going to tell the truth, and everyone has a right to make informed choices about their own life. A few years after we were married, I was informed by a 3rd party that my H had been acting inappropriately with someone close to me. Both H and this person confirmed that it didn't go far, but only because she stopped it. Having a toddler and a baby on the way, we did individual and marriage counseling and more, and though it took time, we reconciled, I forgave him, and we went on with our lives, eventually having three more children. There were ups and downs, and even times when I suspected he could be cheating, but nothing concrete, and overall we were a happy family. Fast forward to last month, when by accident I discovered that he had a "girlfriend" in one of the cities he traveled to for work. I called her - turned out he had told her he was divorced, and she was horrified to learn that we were still married, no divorce even in the works, not even separated (except when he traveled for work). Surely you all think SHE had the right to know the truth, even coming from me! In time I discovered another OW - this time she knew he was married, but thought a divorce was in progress - it wasn't. I should mention that all this time he was coming home to me between trips and having sex with me as usual. He now admits that he didn't use condoms with any of us! Now he has been begging me not to divorce him, and decided to confess that he'd had a drunken one night stand this summer in addition to the other two women, no condom, didn't exchange phone numbers (they were both travelers), can't remember her name. All of that is bad enough, but over the years he'd always reassured me that he'd never had ANY sexual contact with anyone else in our 20+ years together - and now he confessed to a 6 week fling 9 years ago, again NO CONDOMS. He said he never told me because he knew I would divorce him, after what we'd been through in the first years. So because no one ever told me, at least 4 other women and myself have been exposed to who knows what, and I had 2 more children after his 6 week fling, when I NEVER would have stayed with him had I known the truth! He's a serial cheater and I'm sure there are more women I still don't know about. PLEASE, if not for his W's sake, for the sake of his innocent children, current and future... TELL HER.
Guest Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 The OW telling is not what hurts the W, it's the cheating and the lying done by her H. PLEASE, if not for his W's sake, for the sake of his innocent children, current and future... TELL HER. I have to agree here, the W deserves to know! H will NEVER tell her, I told and am not sorry that I did! I got off his gravy train and have been happy ever since!
stillhere Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I agree, that obviously, some W would like to know. But how do you know that his W is one that does? I for one, would never tell his W, no matter how angry or upset i may be. If she does find out about us, it will crush her, i already know that. But if she never learns about us, i would never intentionally inflict that kind of pain on her. I don't have it in my heart to do that. If we do separate, it will do no good to tear her world apart. We would no longer be together, and i know that he would never do this again. As i know that i will never do this again. We both have suffered a lot of pain because of this A. We never want to feel that kind of pain again. So what's done is done. And if she never knows about it, then IMO "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and i'm going to stick with that. Like i said, i already know that i was his first OW, and i will be the last. I know this man, and i can guarantee it. If he was a serial cheater, then i would probably tell, but obviously, my MM is not, so it will do no good.
Guest Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 My "MM" (never had sex with him, it was a former college sweetheart who came on to me heavily after I contacted him) is a serial cheater. His W adores him and is totally devoted to him. She would be crushed if she knew what he is been up to. He's been having affairs with young women in their late teens/early 20s that he works with. He is their boss. He lies to his W and the girls and thinks he is so smug and can fool everybody. Should I as a 3rd party tell her and how? Would she believe an anonymous letter? She thinks her H walks on water and is very naive. They've been married over 13 years and have to young children. I'm so conflicted about this.....this man does not deserve to get away with all this.
stillhere Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 My "MM" (never had sex with him, it was a former college sweetheart who came on to me heavily after I contacted him) is a serial cheater. His W adores him and is totally devoted to him. She would be crushed if she knew what he is been up to. He's been having affairs with young women in their late teens/early 20s that he works with. He is their boss. He lies to his W and the girls and thinks he is so smug and can fool everybody. Should I as a 3rd party tell her and how? Would she believe an anonymous letter? She thinks her H walks on water and is very naive. They've been married over 13 years and have to young children. I'm so conflicted about this.....this man does not deserve to get away with all this. If you are thinking of her and only her when telling, then i think you should. It is possible for him to bring home anything and everything. She could have an STD right now that she doesn't know about. If you want to do it for revenge or to try to "win" him, then i don't think it's a good idea. An anonymous letter or phone call if you have the courage. Why is he your MM? Do you want to be with him? Like i said, if there is an alterior motive other than her welfare, then i say leave her be.
Guest Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 If you are thinking of her and only her when telling, then i think you should. It is possible for him to bring home anything and everything. She could have an STD right now that she doesn't know about. If you want to do it for revenge or to try to "win" him, then i don't think it's a good idea. An anonymous letter or phone call if you have the courage. Why is he your MM? Do you want to be with him? Like i said, if there is an ulterior motive other than her welfare, then i say leave her be. I most definitely do NOT want to be with him, never wanted from the beginning. He was my college sweetheart and we had a bad breakup many years ago. I always blamed myself for it, thinking that my behavior "scared him off". Actually, in hindsight, he probably knew that I wasn't the kind of girl who would believe him everything he said and decided to marry a woman who was - as he put it - "Very gullible". I don't want to hurt his W or kids - I don't hate his W at all, I feel sorry for her. Him I hate - he got where he is in life by lying, cheating and manipulating people all the while smelling like rose. I have tons of evidence (correspondence between him and his "girlfriends") that I could send his W. This wouldn't leave any doubt in her mind that he is a fraud. The only thing that is holding me back is fear of it being traced back to me. I mean, if he suspects that someone got into his yahoo account and got the info, could he find out? HOw long does yahoo keep log in ips? Considering that there are a gazillion yahoo accounts, I'd think it would be a daunting task for them to determine who logged into his account. I never broke into it, I always logged in using his real password. If there was no way they could trace me, I'd do it in a split second.
stillhere Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I'm the very wrong person to ask when it comes to technical stuff like that!!!! I'm not a computer person by any means. I think she should know. If you are the one who posted about him having a girl in every town and emails both his W and them and tells his W how much he loves her, i think it's a shame. I know every situation is different, as mine is, but this guy is a serial cheater. His W should be able to decide whether or not she wants to live with a man like this. He will never change his ways. Send her his password.........let her snoop herself!!!!
Miwi Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I think you should stop, tell him he's retarded, and find someone single. Infidelity is horrible:(
Smack_and_smooch Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I can see both sides of this in the posts. I am the W of a H who cheated for over 10 years. I finally received a letter in the mail; supposedly from a "friend" of the main OW...There were multiple inbetween, although each was told by my H that he had never done it before and they were the only one...I was devastated by the letter..I totally fell apart..I lost 45 lbs in 3 months, wrecked my car from lack of sleep, couldn't stop crying, isolated to the point of severe depression and felt used, stupid and sooo hurt...So, I was mad about the letter, but in hindsight, I was happy that someone had the guts to finally tell me what he was doing. So sorry to hear about what you went through. It must've taken all the life out of you to live each and every day after you learned of your H's infidelity. I admire women like you. As an update about my friend, she decided to let that guy she met at itzamatch.com to go through the divorce before she even thinks about getting serious with him. She was THIS close to being the other woman and she actually feels the need to tell his wife about the relationship but she's still unsure if this is her business or not.
Mirage222 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Unfortunately you were there for him for a "season" not a "reason" ... I would not contact his wife, just move on from him, and be wiser for the next time.
Recommended Posts