CallieHurt Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 So I have been working for this company for several years and a new guy comes in from one of the coasts. He has a wife and two kids and I do not think anything of it. We start talking and he starts flirting with me. At first I was like this is so wrong, but he seemed like he was so right. At first he was looking for houses for his family on the coast and going back on weekends. He would tell me that the relationship with his wife has been over for years and that he was just in it for the kids. He would come back to me during the week and buy me things and spend all of his time with me outside of the office professing his affection towards me. He would tell me that when he went back on the weekends he would sleep in the same bed as her but the kids were always between them. That when he was there he was always with the kids and that they made it a point to avoid each other. That is why I continued the affair because he made it sound like it was truly over. He would tell me everything I wanted to hear and that he wanted to be with me. Eventually he stopped looking for houses and his wife and him were talking about divorce. The job did not pan out so he had to quit and he moved back to where he came from. Before he left he told me that he wanted to be with me, and that he needed to sort some things out in his life first. I fell in love with him because he was everything I was looking for in a man. When he moved back his wife mentioned counsling, which he said he agreed to because of the kids, plus he said he owed it to her because they have been married for 10 years. I am and was crushed. I feel like I have been lied to in the worst way. I do realize that I was so dumb into thinking that he would leave his wife and we would live happily ever after. I am so angry at myself for falling for this after school special. I am so angry at him for lying to me and stringing me along. After only two weeks of just being with me he said that he had started having sex with her again because that is what the counsler said to do. The counsler told him to start doing what they used to do. So instead of talking to her they both start having sex. I was very angry at that because of the fact that he could so quickly go from me to having sex with her again. It disgusts me and is so disrespectful to me and her. Now he tells me that she is pregnant with there third child. He can't even handle the first two or the marriage, and now he is having another child with her. This is where I need the advice. I am so angry and hurt. I am angry at myself because I knew it was morally wrong. I do have self-esteem and morals and I threw them away for someone who I thought was my soulmate. I grew up with parents who were unfaithful to each other and it did mess me up with men and relationships. I really believe and think I should call his wife and tell her what went on. I feel she at least needs to know the truth if they are going to go through counsling and make the relationship work. He will not tell her because he is a coward and he does not want her to be mad at him. Before me he has had two one night stands. This makes me realize that he does not respect her or that marriage in the least, and really in the end he is hurting the children. He says he only knows that the kids are happy right now when he is around. He is being very selfish and disrespectful. Do I tell her?
Freedom Now Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 As far as telling her, I don't know. But, as far as dealing with HIM, I would prevent him from contacting you ever again. He is a cad. And he is going to be a father again. A terrible example to his kids, but that is not your problem. It is his. Run away from this guy. Shut him out of your life and heal your hurting heart. He isn't worth the salt in your tears. Pick yourself up, square up your shoulders and shut him out of your life. Give him no access to you. He isn't worthy of it. Tell yourself you don't WANT someone like him. He is nothing but heartache for you. Best of luck.
LaughMachine Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I'm sorry callie! Don't beat your self up over it. I think what this man was doing was looking out for him self, and at the time him and his wife were having problems. You at the time were the " quick fix " to all his problems. He did disrespect both you and the wife, but who has to deal with that now...her..sadly. Not you. What happens when people are going through a rough patch in their life, possibly thinking its over forever. They try to cling to something else telling that person what they feel at the time and what they could offer you in the relationship. When in reality, when all the problems go away from their unfortunetly other relationship, they drop you like a bad habit. He seems to be very honest with you and what he wants now, instead of stringing you along setting you up for an even bigger disaster. Now this isn't to make you feel better, but It's probaly the truth. When the problems start to resurface this man will act selfishly again and hopefully this man knows better not to mess with your heart again. Start Nc, and leave it at that and take it for what it was. Now are you going to tell the wife because you feel bad for her? or are you doing it out of spite because you got hurt ?
Seen_It_All Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Well, the unfortunate thing is that you fell for a con man. Most of these married lying cheaters ARE con men. They all tell the tale of how unloving and totally unpassionate their marriages are. How they're SO ready to leave - yet they simply CAN'T because of those kids they LOVE just so darned much. Of course, they don't LOVE them enough to be HOME with them every night because that would cut into their 'play time' with their OW. Talk about hypocrites. ROFL - so the 'counselor' told him to start having sex again, is that it? And lo and behold, within this magical reawakening of sex between he and his wife, all of a sudden she's PREGNANT? Gosh, funny how that works. What a complete piece of dogsh*it this low life is. I'd definitely tell his wife. Maybe she'd like to know the REAL piece of sh*it she's married to. Sure as he conned you, he's conning her as well. That is, until he brings her home a nice STD that can't be cured with a shot of penicillin and she gets to carry it for life. What a complete flaming a*sshole. Tell her.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I really believe and think I should call his wife and tell her what went on. I feel she at least needs to know the truth if they are going to go through counsling and make the relationship work. NO! It's NONE of your business. Move on, forget all about him. It's not your life, not your problem and honestly, you're doing this OUT OF REVENGE. If they're going to MC to work on the marriage, that's a good thing. Think of those children, k. Here's the main problem I see from day one: He has a wife and two kids and I do not think anything of it. And because of this, you're SO flippin' willing to ruin his wife's life because YOU let HIM screw you over. You fell for ALL his bullsheeetttt lines, hook line and sinker. You're not so innocent in all this, you allowed it to happen to you...So, don't put ALL the blame on him. Yeah, he's a dog and should not have even flirted with you, opening up the door like that, but you're a grown woman. Take responsibility for your own actions, learn from them and move on. Let this go. If you can live with ruining their lives, be able to sleep at night, look at yourself in the mirror - Then tell her what her husband did. Then look at those children in the eyes and tell them WHY you felt the need to mess around their father... I'm sorry that I'm being harsh, but part of this is your fault too. If you had said no from the beginning and he kept coming onto you, time and time again, and you kept refusing him - Then it would be different. Problem is, you're pissed because he went back to his wife and let you go. Best revenge is live your life and be happy.
Joelle Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Calliehurt, I regret the situation you're in. Truthfully, I don't think it's a good idea to tell his wife. No good would come out of it. Maybe at some point, you will be glad he's out of your life. Good riddance to bad rubbish! I hope you will be able to emotionally detach from him, and move on. I wish you good closure.
BUTAFLY Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 First I want to say I am sorry for your hurt. I have been there and other have too. I relate to alot of your feelings and know what you mean when you say your angry at yourself and furious at him. I say tell her. She needs to know what he has been up to because I will bet my last dollar she thinks everything is peachy and they weren't ever having marital problems to the extent of what he said to you. I say tell her because hopefully she will keep him on a short leash so he won't do this to her or others anymore. (like you said it wasn't his first-never is) I say tell her because after his wife is through with the yelling and screaming and maybe a few night at the motel 6 he will realize it's not worth it. and the next time he see's a hot cupcake he won't be so quick to act. You just saved someone else heart ache from this scumbag. Plus, why do you want to help him lie to his family...he is not your friend, you owe him NOTHING. Your paying the price, in pain for messing with a MM. This is the price HE has to pay for stepping out of marriage.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Plus, why do you want to help him lie to his family...he is not your friend, you owe him NOTHING. Your paying the price, in pain for messing with a MM. This is the price HE has to pay for stepping out of marriage. She owes him nothing, that is true, so why on earth would you tell her to tell the wife? IT IS NOT HER PLACE TO TELL THE WIFE! If anything, she should tell the MM HE should tell his wife, but seeing as the wife wasn't an issue RIGHT from the start, she didn't even think of his wife or his kids - They weren't a factor in HER decision to get involved with him - WHY all of a sudden does she care about the wife now? REVENGE, that is why. She feels because the MM dumped her and has gone home to his wife and is going to marriage counselling, that she should ruin things for them. It's not her business anymore what he does or doesn't do.
Author CallieHurt Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 Actually, I did tell him to tell his wife. And his response to that was I will make an appointment with the counsler alone and see what she says. By the time the appointment came he had already found out about his wife being pregnant. I really did think about the wife and kids. I would always talk about her and what were her feelings in all of this. I really didn't think he would lie to me (really dumb I know), but he kept saying that it was over years ago. That the two of them just grew apart. That he was just in it for the kids. So I believed him. The kids were another matter. I really believed that a divorce would have been the best for the kids because all they were seeing at home was one parent or the other. They would not do anything together as a family. I grew up with my parents cheating on each other and I always thought they should have gotten a divorce. It took them 20 years and being separated twice plus marriage counsling to get where they are today. And my sister and I have relationship problems because of it. Yes I want him to suffer as much as I have. But I really do not think she knows and I believe she should know. Maybe just so they can get past it and move on. He never told her because now with the baby he says there is another circumstance.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Don't tell the W...it isn't going to do any good and you'll just be the villain...chalk it up to a hard lesson learned and make yourself happy...I know, easier said than done, but he is a straight out liar...re-read your words about how the counselor said for them to start having sex...I'm sure it was a real chore for him...
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 IT still isn't YOUR place to tell her. Don't do it. By the time the appointment came he had already found out about his wife being pregnant Another reason not to tell her. And the fact they have kids already too. You talked to him, and now it's out of your hands. I really didn't think he would lie to me (really dumb I know), but he kept saying that it was over years ago. That the two of them just grew apart. That he was just in it for the kids. So I believed him. Yeah, dumb. He lied to you too, and don't believe that things were "that" bad in his marriage. Chances are he was just enjoying you both, and fed you some bull lines to keep you around longer. Yes I want him to suffer as much as I have. But I really do not think she knows and I believe she should know. Maybe just so they can get past it and move on. He never told her because now with the baby he says there is another circumstance. Once you get past your hurt and anger, you won't want to ruin his WHOLE family's life. Give up, move on and get therapy for yourself. Their marriage and what goes on between them is NOT your business.
Author CallieHurt Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 I understand what you are saying but really when he started talking to me about how ****y his marriage was, he made it my business.
happymom Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Well, I have been in the shoes of being the wife. My H hit on my bf in July and she did tell me. It has been very hard on me, but I am glad I know. I am divorcing because I believe it's a huge red flag. We each have a child from previous relationships. I think this his wife should know who and what she is married to....
kkat Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 If you read the post I just posted, and take a look at many of my old posts, I was OBSESSED for a while with wanting his wife to find out about our relationship (she knew obviously the first time but I thought she didn't know the second time). I wanted her to find out, I now realize, for two reasons: 1. Because I absolutely KNEW, that if she found out, what would happen is exactly what did happen - she begged him to stay, he got scared of losing his marriage and the money issues that would cause for him, and he cut me off, cold turkey. I wanted him to end the relationship, because I wasn't strong enough to do it myself and I KNEW he would only end it if he got caught. I also KNEW in my heart as much as I "loved" him I didn't really want to be with a cheater who lied to his wife and children day in and day out - and to me.... 2. I also wanted to hurt her, for some reason - there was some history there in my situation - I never respected her and for some reason I wanted to hurt her - I hated that she had sort of aced me by "getting" the big fat prize of this liar....Now I feel differently - I think they are both pathetic... I have to say that in hindsight, in my situation, I actually do wish I had told her but only selfishly in that it would have ended with the same result (her knowing, him cutting me off) but 3.5 years sooner. I don't think you are responsible to help a lying cheater stay in a marriage, nor do I think you are responsible for the wellbeing of his wife and children. I know alot of people on here will disagree with me on that - That being said, you also wouldn't want to do something hurtful to the innocent people in the triangle if you can avoid it. So if you can move on effectively and efficiently without telling her, just stay out of it and let Miss Karma do her job and you focus on getting over this mess and moving on. Believe me, you'd prefer not to get the kind of phone call I got today, and that's the kind of thing that generally happens. He'll tell her you were lying, and sweetie, she'll believe him, because she already does, and always will....the advantage you have is that you SEE his lies to you (you realize how he has lied to you all along, right?) and you know you deserve better, so you'll attract better. I'm so glad he is out of your life and I hope you'll focus on moving on. Namaste
lovernotafighter Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 karma as kkat has stated is biting me in the ass...I reap what I sow...but more to the point. I in a spiteful way I want to tell MM's wife..but that is the only reason..because I want him to hurt the way I do. so that being said is the wrongest reason in the world to tell. just don't do it...no matter what the karma bus gets us all, let time do what your thinking of doing. it will. trust that.
BUTAFLY Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Well, I have been in the shoes of being the wife. My H hit on my bf in July and she did tell me. It has been very hard on me, but I am glad I know. I am divorcing because I believe it's a huge red flag. We each have a child from previous relationships. I think this his wife should know who and what she is married to.... You have a good friend. Furthermore you are a strong women for accepting the truth and dealing with it the best way for you and your child. Good for you.
Author CallieHurt Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 I have to say that in hindsight, in my situation, I actually do wish I had told her but only selfishly in that it would have ended with the same result (her knowing, him cutting me off) but 3.5 years sooner. I did read your story and I do get what you are saying but it's still in my head. Him and I do not speak. He wants to be my friend, which makes me so angry because what makes him think I would want to be his friend. I was on a good role. I haven't called him crying, text him, or anything for a couple weeks when last Sunday he texts me "Hi, Can I say hi" so I text him back "No you are having a baby with your wife". So he texts me back "It was a friendly hi not a hubba hubba hi." So I respond, "**** you. I do not want to be your friend and I do not respect what you did to me and what you are doing to her." He used to tell me that he opened up to me more than he ever opened up to his wife of 20 years, was that a lie too? I just want the obsession to end. I feel like that it would be the perfect closure for me. I hate lying and the fact that I got myself into this crazy lie does drive me nuts. I did tell him once that I was going to call and tell her and he blocked my calls and threatened to ruin my career. That is why I haven't done it yet, or I probably would have. So if I did tell her it would have to be some tricky way where he wouldn't find out that it was me that told her. I am just still in awe that there are people that can play with your lives like this and not feel guilty or at least want to make things right after.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 I just want the obsession to end. So, move on! Stop obsessing about it. Stop thinking of him! Block his email and IM! Delete him from your phone/cell. If you spill the beans to his wife, she WILL react and come after you, full of questions and pain and anger. That isn't closure, that's a war on your hands!
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 I am just still in awe that there are people that can play with your lives like this and not feel guilty or at least want to make things right after. STOP putting ALL the blame on the MM! You CHOSE to be his OW, knowing he was married. That is the price one pays when you decide to have an affair with a married person. It's NOT an honest, open and trusting relationship to begin with! Sure, it's full of passion and feelings of love/lust, but the reality of that situation is EVENTUALLY it ends and usually badly. I think you're more mad at yourself than anything and taking it out on him, his wife and his kids is not going to make you feel better later on. Maybe for like a day you'll feel good about it, but the next day you'll feel crappy for hurting INNOCENT people who didn't deserve it.
Author CallieHurt Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 STOP putting ALL the blame on the MM! You CHOSE to be his OW, knowing he was married. That is the price one pays when you decide to have an affair with a married person. It's NOT an honest, open and trusting relationship to begin with! Sure, it's full of passion and feelings of love/lust, but the reality of that situation is EVENTUALLY it ends and usually badly. I think you're more mad at yourself than anything and taking it out on him, his wife and his kids is not going to make you feel better later on. Maybe for like a day you'll feel good about it, but the next day you'll feel crappy for hurting INNOCENT people who didn't deserve it. Do you feel sympathetic towards me at all. Really he is not innocent. He is the one that lied to me. He is the one that kept promising me things, lies. Yes I fell for it, but really if you were in that same situation trust me you would have to. His family was in another state, so during the week he was with me. It was really easy to just be ourselves and not worry about everything else. I truly believe now that you do not pick who you fall in love with. That we are all just looking for that special someone who makes us feel real and that makes us feel like we have a purpose. Maybe I met him so I could help his wife see who he really is. Who knows. I do know that he is the one who is weak and a coward.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Do you feel sympathetic towards me at all. Really he is not innocent. He is the one that lied to me. He is the one that kept promising me things, lies. Yes I fell for it, but really if you were in that same situation trust me you would have to. His family was in another state, so during the week he was with me. It was really easy to just be ourselves and not worry about everything else. I truly believe now that you do not pick who you fall in love with. That we are all just looking for that special someone who makes us feel real and that makes us feel like we have a purpose. Maybe I met him so I could help his wife see who he really is. Who knows. I do know that he is the one who is weak and a coward. Yes, he lied to you. Yes, he led you on. I think he got caught up in the fantasy of it all, heat of the moment. Maybe In the moment he meant all the things he said to you, but when it came right down to it, he didn't have the balls to leave and be with you. This was a painful lesson for you, and I hope one day you DO find a man who will bring joy into your life and love only you. Sorry if I was harsh, but I guess I don't see putting YOUR pain on his family's wellbeing. Karma is a bitch and one day he'll get it - So I think you telling his wife, ruining things for her isn't worth it.
kkat Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I think that one of the things that got lost on me here as an OW, and that frequently gets disconnected, is this: When others say "Take responsibility" it feels like a criticism, and a lack of sympathy for the situations (many and diverse) where OW are a victim - whole or partial - of hurt, deceit, and pain - the same elements the BS is victim of. I think what might be more helpful for everyone is to consider this: Yes, as OW we have been hurt, deceived, and pain has been caused us - by another person and his choices, actions and lies. Additional and same hurt, self-deceit, and pain has been caused us by OUR choices, actions and self lies. For me, the turning point was the night I quit saying to my ex- MM" You did this to me, how could you do this, how could you do this, how could you do this" and I said "Wow. What you did was pretty stinky. I am sorry you did that to both of us, and to your family. It has caused alot of damage. I forgive you for being weak and desperate and making bad choices - I also made bad choices. I also have responsibility here" It wasn't about morals, about his wife, his children, any of that. It was about me being EMPOWERED by realizing I had POWER. I had the POWER to make choices, and I had made some bad ones. But likewise, I good make some good ones. I can't get back the time or the tears, but I have made projects for myself that, for the past year and a half, have helped me step by step, break a horrible addiction to this man. So, if we can just look at taking responsibility as a privilege, an empowerment, that can be helpful perhaps. I hope so! PS My projects are being a small time helper. I buy little bottles of water and extra fruit and give them to homeless people on the street. I say hello, good morning, good night, excuse me and thank you to every person I can. I stop and talk to lots of old people on park benches. This is my project. I participated in something that hurt people, including myself, and I am loving myself and this world as much as I can to stop the cycle. Come get on my Patridge Family Bus! XOXOXO Kkat
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 First of all I want to say that whenever someone is hurting, no matter why or what - that a hug is always a nice gift - so i send you a hug. I also want you to know that my opinion on this matter is not intended to hurt but simply to point out a few things. You stated... "This is where I need the advice. I am so angry and hurt. I am angry at myself because I knew it was morally wrong." This is probably by far the biggest wound you have and whenever we make mistakes we always hurt ourselves first. "I do have self-esteem and morals and I threw them away for someone who I thought was my soulmate." I have always thought that finding a soulmate strengths your morals - so perhaps you 'lost' your compass because you imagined he was your soulmate. perhaps you were searching for something that wasn't there. i would have thought that him already being married and having a family would have been a 'red flag' to you. i do understand infatuation but don't you think if you both saw each other as soulmates you would have handled things differently? perhaps, start your relationship on the right foot by him getting a divorce and you both waiting until then? that woudl has been the test i think. "I grew up with parents who were unfaithful to each other and it did mess me up with men and relationships. I really believe and think I should call his wife and tell her what went on. I feel she at least needs to know the truth if they are going to go through counsling and make the relationship work." i really don't see how that helps their situation and if anything perhaps you causing a crisis enables you to be 'back in the picture' - and that is never a good reason. "He will not tell her because he is a coward and he does not want her to be mad at him. Before me he has had two one night stands. This makes me realize that he does not respect her or that marriage in the least, and really in the end he is hurting the children. He says he only knows that the kids are happy right now when he is around. He is being very selfish and disrespectful." from the sound of it, i am not sure what redeeming qualities you saw in him if you say things like this. and please remember, before you start saying things about someone, remember your role in this - you were 'seeing' a married man.
Smack_and_smooch Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 An officemate of mine frequents this site called itzamatch.com and eventually met a guy there. They hooked up, they had a good time and before long they dated maybe once or twice. She later on just found out that the guy she was going out with was married to a someone she worked with although at a different office location. She confronted the guy and he told her that the reason why he went on itzamatch.com was that he had just filed for divorce and wanted to pre-empt his freedom. My friend really likes this guy but somehow, the thought of her going out with a still-married guy haunts her. Should she wait until his divorce is final or should she just dump him knowing he lied?
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