Affection and communication.

[Penny Lane]

Hi. I met this guy in the summer, and i guess we're kind of seeing eachother. We had a really good time when we were together and he came to see me for a while and we had a wonderful time. The problem is he lives in Hong Kong and I live in the UK. very far.... I need some advice on a few things. I'm not expecting you to be able to see into his head, just to maybe help so i can figure it out myself.

 

1. Committment. We have not had "the talk". So I don't really know where we stand in our relationship, you know, does he want a relationship, a fling, friends, what? I don't want to directly ask him, in case it would scare him away. How do I find out if he's willing to be committed to me or not? Note that by commitment i don't necessarily mean long time future thing, just does he see me as his girlfriend and will thus not run after other girls.

Cause i'm not up for that.

 

2. Communication. When i hear from him it's lovely. But it's now been a week and i haven't heard from him. And before that it was two weeks and i had to write him and ask what was up before I got a reply. He did go through some hard times then, so I guess he had an excuse, but still. I want him to come to me for support and talk with me about anything. I just want to know that he's thinking of me, but i'm not sure he does. Maybe I think of him too much. can I get him to write more often? Can i write him if he hasn't written me for a while. I don't like it, it makes me feel like i'm pestering him when i just want to share some thoughts. Like I wish he would with me.

 

3. Showing affection. I miss him of course. And i want to tell him I miss him and how much i enjoyed him being here and wish he was here again. How can I do it without seeming a)clingy b)whiny c)desperate, etc...

 

I do miss him so much. I keep thinking it's not such a clever thing to do as i'm at uni and so can't move and he has a good and hard to come by job in hong kong. Should it become proper serious it would be I that had to move. Would I be willing to that. Is it worth the trouble and effort I have to put in? But then, I don't want to be with anyone else than him. So what choice is there?

 

Thanks for any help, and thanks for those who have helped me already with all your posts.

 

Anna

[lizzie lou]

It seems like you two need to have the "commitment" talk. It's better to know one way or another than to continually wonder why he's not consistently talking to you. I'm not sure how comfortable you feel with him, but I know you definitely like and care for him.

 

If you don't feel bold enough to bring up this subject, you should definitely at least initiate contact. From your post (and I could be wrong) it seems like you wait around for him to call or email you.

 

Is it possible there is a cultural or communication barrier? Do you think he gives more weight to the distance between you than you do?

 

If nothing else, send him an email telling him how you feel. Like I said, it's better to know one way or another than to keep questioning his feelings and the situation. Good luck!

[Island Girl]

1. Committment. We have not had "the talk". So I don't really know where we stand in our relationship, you know, does he want a relationship, a fling, friends, what? I don't want to directly ask him, in case it would scare him away. How do I find out if he's willing to be committed to me or not? Note that by commitment i don't necessarily mean long time future thing, just does he see me as his girlfriend and will thus not run after other girls.

Cause i'm not up for that.

 

Then you better ask. If it 'scares' him away -- he wants to play the field anyway. If you aren't up for that -- then don't worry about asking.

 

If he agrees to pursue your relationship one on one then great.

 

2. Communication. When i hear from him it's lovely. But it's now been a week and i haven't heard from him. And before that it was two weeks and i had to write him and ask what was up before I got a reply. He did go through some hard times then, so I guess he had an excuse, but still. I want him to come to me for support and talk with me about anything. I just want to know that he's thinking of me, but i'm not sure he does. Maybe I think of him too much. can I get him to write more often? Can i write him if he hasn't written me for a while. I don't like it, it makes me feel like i'm pestering him when i just want to share some thoughts. Like I wish he would with me.

 

Read answer to number three below.

 

3. Showing affection. I miss him of course. And i want to tell him I miss him and how much i enjoyed him being here and wish he was here again. How can I do it without seeming a)clingy b)whiny c)desperate, etc...

 

You need to be happy and fun and chat like he was there right next to you. Share your life but it doesn't sound like you got to know eachother very well so be careful about a lot of emotional talk. That takes time to develope for men so think of that.

 

I do miss him so much. I keep thinking it's not such a clever thing to do as i'm at uni and so can't move and he has a good and hard to come by job in hong kong. Should it become proper serious it would be I that had to move. Would I be willing to that. Is it worth the trouble and effort I have to put in? But then, I don't want to be with anyone else than him. So what choice is there?

 

You are getting way ahead of yourself. Relax and enjoy the developement of the relationship without thinking of what is sooooo down the line.

[Penny Lane]

It's not that I wait around. I do email him, but then he doesn't email me back. And i don't want to email him loads of times if he doesn't email me. Not only does it make me feel desperate but it's also so one-sided. Like Island Girl said, we don't know eachother that well. I would love to know him better but how can I if he doesn't communicate. Last time when he didn't email me for two weeks i sent him an email saying that i wanted to have more communication and if he couldn't be bothered with that then could he please tell me so I could get over it (yes, in a nicer wording). That time he emailed me back within an hour, not directly commenting on what i'd written but telling me what had been going on and why he hadn't written. So he obviously listened that time, but i don't feel like i should have to make near-threats in every email to get a reply.

 

I think it's not so much a cultural barrier as a personality difference. He's very much a people person, everyone and everything new is interesting to him. He likes me when i'm rigth in front of his eyes. But am I enough to keep his interest at such a long distance?