justice Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 After working on our R and dealing with the OW and her crap, I was finally gaining back some of my self esteem and confidence, my trust was slowly returning too. That has all been shattered once more. My husband has two sons by a former wife that he cheated on also. We had custody of them for two years of our M, the kids decided they wanted to go and live with their mom. We debated this and decided it might be a good thing for them to go and live with her and get to know her better. Also she was causing alot of problems for us, and we were at the point of splitting because she set the kids against us. She's very manipulative and just mean and cold hearted. Ok. A bit of history, the youngest son who was ten is a big boy physically, at the end of them living with us, he started cussing me and calling me names and just literally beating the crap out of me, I suffered many an injury at his hands and my husband tried everything he knew short of putting the boy in juvie to get him to stop, nothing worked, the kid saw me as the enemy and an obstacle, both boys tried to get their mom and dad back together and when it didn't work, I was made to pay the price because I was the one in the way. At least thats how I thought they saw it. Anyhow, she got them back three years ago. They did not want to visit or call or anything, so we just let it be, not wanting to stir anything up or keep the boys upset. About three days ago, the ex calls out of the blue and asks if we can take the younger son back!! I'm having violent flashbacks of not only the way that my H's ex treated me but of the beatings I took at the hands of the son. He does have anger and rage issues and is now thirteen, is probably alot larger and muscled than he used to be. Without even discussing it with me I hear my H telling his ex of course we will take him. Then he asked her why she had had a change of heart. She told him that the younger son had taken a pair of scissors to her and had threatened to stab her and had made motions to do that because she wouldn't let him play his xbox. Also he is failing in school, he skips, beats up other kids and has been caught by her smoking pot! I do not want this kid with us, he needs counceling that I tried to get him but no one would see that he needed it when he lived with us before. I can't do this anymore, this kid will literally beat me to death this time and I don't want him in my home. I'm very petite, not even 100lbs. or five foot tall. I tried talking calmly to my h about my concerns, I begged, pleaded, cried and did just about everything I could but to no avail. I understand that this is his son, but his son has major problems that he refuses to acknowledge. And that kid hates me. I'm at my last straw in this M. I can't seem to become an equal and I've put up with alot more bull**** than what I've written here. I'm seriously considering filing for divorce because it doesn't seem like anything is ever going to change. Well at least the ow is keeping her distance now, but dealing with this kid, is going to be worse than dealing with her craziness. I can't dicispline him because he will scream child abuse and I will be literally a prisoner in my own bedroom because I will be locked in while he is home from school and stuff. I told my H I will not cook, clean up the messes or babysit and that the kid is not to be here while I am by myself at all. Given the circumstances I think that was needed. I know I'm sounding harsh here but damn, I still carry scars from when he lived with us before, my son in law literally had to pull the punk off of me at one time. I can't live like this, I just can't!!
lasan Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I am sorry for the troubles you are experiencing. My Sister and her husband are going through something similar. It really is a rock and a hard place type of situation. The boy is a bit younger than the one in your situation, but his dad is 6'5 and a couple hundred pounds. The boy looks like he is going the same direction. The little boy has problems though (born at 24 weeks,FAS,) and is they are working with councelors. He gets frustrated and hits the younger children and my sister or acts out in some other violent way. My sister and her husband have argued and went around the block and back about it. It is a hard spot to put a father in. It is his child, and he loves him even if he isn't being ideal. I know you don't want the kid back in your house, but I would have some serious qualms about your spouse if he DIDN'T take his son back. He is that child's parent too and has a responsibility to him. If I was with someone, and they said either it's your child or me, I am afraid my child would win. The moment I gave birth to a child, I became obligated to parent him and take care of him until he is an adult. (Of course my mother says it never ends and we keep coming back home, she reccommends I change the locks when my child is 18) I am a widowed single parent. If my child developed behavoral problems, I don't even have another parent to back me up. I have no idea what I would do to be honest. All I can do is try my best. If I should happen to have another person in my life and they can't handle it.....Well they are not obligated to deal with my kid. They can go on their merry way. I would hope that it wouldn't come to that, but my child and I are a package deal and I would not stop doing what I need to do for my own child for another person.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 It sounds as if the boy may be Emotionally Disturbed (ED). I am a Special Education teacher and I would advise you that if this boy comes to live with you, you should have him evaluated by the school psycholgist. Put it in writing and the psych has 10 days to contact you to sign an assessment plan. If he does qualify, he and your family are required by law to receive appropriate services and placement. There are many programs which school districts have which vary by name from district to district. And your family would also be able to access mental health services. As for your H not consulting you, I see why you are so upset. I myself am tiny and I ran into many situations while I taught Special Day Class that put my safety at risk, so I KNOW where you are coming from. It is UNACCEPTABLE that this boy has been allowed to terrorize you in the past and it is up to Dad/H to keep you safe if the child comes to live with you. I suggest outside counseling to help you deal with this and I really think that it is more than just anger and the kids wanting Dad and Mom back together. Just some food for thought. More kids are affected by Emotional Disturbance than you would think. Good luck!
lasan Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 What Green says is a good idea. My nephew is involved in all sorts of intervention programs to help him. The progress is very slow but there has been some. I thought I would come back and mention the conversation that helped my sister decide she would stay. She was on the verge of leaving and taking their younger child away. Her husband asked her "Would you still be leaving if this was your own child doing this, or would you stay and work with him. What if our daughter has problems, are you going to leave her?" It was a good question and it helped her put a few things in perspective.
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