Princess112 Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 My boyfriend's cheated on me several times.. had one night stands... and I found out a little while ago because his friend confessed to me... anyway, we got past it all, he's gone into NC with ANY of his female friends, has been spending a lot more time with me, calling me at all hours, and being more caring and affectionate and more open.. Last night he confessed to me that he had a "rush" to go have sex with another woman.. and he contacted me as soon as he had the rush Which is good, because he's trying to control himself.. but the fact that he's even having these really hurt me. What can I do to help him???
Tony T Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I wouldn't be hurt nearly as much as I would be concerned that you have a boyfriend who has these kinds of wild urges. This syndrome is quite rare...having it so bad he would call you for support. As a matter of fact, in my opinion it's borderline crazy to call one's girlfriend to report the urge to screw another woman. DUH!!! Where's the respect? That he has to stay away entirely from female friends in order not to get the urge to have sex with them...and that they would even have the inclination to have sex with him considering their friendship status...tells me they are MORE than friends! This is NOT something you want to have to deal with for a lifetime. You must tell your boyfriend to get professional help. Maybe you could have a doctor prescribe medication to reduce his testosterone levels. YIKES! This is a VERY serious problem. I hope you will think long and hard about continuing to have a boyfriend like this. Animals are more discrete!
luvstarved Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Well I don't think I agree with the idea that he should not tell YOU about these urges. I think it is a good sign...if he can open up to you then you have a better chance of a) knowing the truth of what is going on b) increasing the intimacy between you and hopefully ultimately having him realize the value of that. Having said all that, though, I DO agree that this is a very serious problem and that he should get professional help with it. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to correct. Good luck.
Author Princess112 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 I was the one that suggested he doesn't have contact... I've always been a jealous girl, funny, those who I was most jealous of ended up being the ones he'd had something with. Girls intuition? I don't know. It's been... with 4 different girls, over the course of our nearly 3-year relationship. Thanks for the replies <3
Green Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Well if I were you I'd break it off... but then again if its working for you go for it just promise not to have kids
catgirl1927 Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 If someone told me he really, really wanted to be with someone else I would go ahead and let him. He can be with EVERYONE else, and not have to worry about the effect it would have on our relationship, because our relationship would be OVER. He sounds very immature and selfish. I personally think you are wasting your time. I would also be very surprised if he's actually being honest with you.
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 I agree that he has a problem, but he admits it as well and that seems positive. But, can you be so understanding and giving that when he does screw around on you again, you will forgive it as being his problem? This is what you need to consider most. He is setting you up for the disappointment of things to come. Don't be so kind that you don't put your own feelings first, okay?
lindya Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 This is NOT something you want to have to deal with for a lifetime. You must tell your boyfriend to get professional help. I agree. There's too much potential for the two of you to work out some kind of well-intended but destructive approach towards dealing with this issue. Do you, for instance, have the skills and objectivity to gauge whether he's really suffering from an addiction or if he's just creating an environment in which you're liable to be more understanding if he does "fall by the wayside"? Even if you do have a better than average understanding of psychology, remember that therapists are required to detach from their own emotions and lay their ego needs to one side in order to assist a person effectively. They can do it because they're not embroiled in a personal relationship with the patient, and will not therefore be directly affected by that patient's success or failure in tackling the problem. As the significant other, you have emotional needs that you expect the relationship to meet. Pressure to develop a therapist's understanding of, and approach towards, your boyfriend's addiction (if that's what it is) denies the validity of those needs. I've been in a similar situation with someone who had, shall we say, an unconventional outlook on how his romantic relationships should be conducted. The need for him to maintain his integrity and avoid having to compromise his views (some of which, I believe, stemmed from some very troubled thinking) always seemed to take top priority. I too felt this pressure to commend him for his honesty in expressing various thoughts that were very hurtful for me to hear. I felt obligated to react with a spynx-like lack of emotion to avoid burdening him with my "selfish needs and childish insecurities." It's not a great situation to be in, the more you invest in trying to be understanding and accepting in that situation, the more resentment (and shame about feeling that resentment) begins to build up. It makes it a lot harder to deal with if and when the relationship does fall apart.
jmargel Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 My boyfriend's cheated on me several times.. had one night stands... and I found out a little while ago because his friend confessed to me... anyway, we got past it all, he's gone into NC with ANY of his female friends, has been spending a lot more time with me, calling me at all hours, and being more caring and affectionate and more open.. Last night he confessed to me that he had a "rush" to go have sex with another woman.. and he contacted me as soon as he had the rush Which is good, because he's trying to control himself.. but the fact that he's even having these really hurt me. What can I do to help him??? He needs to see a psychologist. Nothing you can do will cure him of this. I would highly suggest he see one.
Author Princess112 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 I've been telling him everything, I'm not keeping myself bottled up inside, and making the resentment/anger/hurt build up. I've tried to do it in the past with others and when "the volcano erupts," it's much worse than just letting a little lava come out every now and then. I wonder if he'll be willing to see a therapist... see if he's really willing to make our relationship work. If it happens again though, (and i WILL find out) I'm out. I can't deal with this, I shouldn't have to. I'm sticking it out because I DO love him, but I love myself too and I can't continue hurting myself. I'm giving him a second chance but that's it.
Author Princess112 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 BTW... what kind of therapist should we consider? A private psychologist for him, or like a marriage counselor for the both of us (even though we're not married) or something else? I'm not sure where to look. I live in a big city so I'm sure we won't have a problem finding someone
blind_otter Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 If someone told me he really, really wanted to be with someone else I would go ahead and let him. He can be with EVERYONE else, and not have to worry about the effect it would have on our relationship, because our relationship would be OVER. He sounds very immature and selfish. I personally think you are wasting your time. I would also be very surprised if he's actually being honest with you. I agree with catgirl. He has a problem. But he needs to get help OUTSIDE of the context of a romantic relationship. OP, google "Codependency". Not for him, for YOU.
jmargel Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 You could see both. MC for both of you & a psychologist for him. MC's usually don't have the degree necessary to really help out an individual who has a disorder. MC would help you get out of this rut and keep you sane during this roller coaster ride.
blind_otter Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 BTW... what kind of therapist should we consider? A private psychologist for him, or like a marriage counselor for the both of us (even though we're not married) or something else? I'm not sure where to look. I live in a big city so I'm sure we won't have a problem finding someone therapy will not work unless he wants to go to therapy. you can't just sign people up and expect the therapist to "fix" them. If the impulse to get therapy came from him I would be more encouraging.
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