Author Mimosa Belle Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 Unfortunately, my finances are such that I am unable to buy a firearm, or move--hence the garnishment. One judgment alone was for refinancing of the suv in his name--he was to split the equity with me when I signed it over, but did not. I had to get my name off of it, because he is frequently late paying on it. I am driving the old, paid off car. I do have a cell phone. We live in a small town surrounded by other homes. The neighbors have dogs, who bark at night if anything stirs. There are a lot of good ideas here that I will use. I just got my teaching license and found a position here, which is hard because it’s such a small town. If I do file a restraining order, or go to the police here, will I have to speak to my principal about it? I just got hired, and I know he’s going to think; uh oh, this girl’s trouble. Plus schools are the worst gossip mills. I’m having a hard enough time just leaving my home to go to work every day, much less having to face a bunch of blabbermouths when I get there. I really need my job! Not only financially, but it helps me stay focused on the positive aspects in my life. [sIZE=2][/sIZE]
burning 4 revenge Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Well, if you weren't convinced enough about buying a firearm to protect you from your violent, sociopathic ex-husband, I would really get one now that you're becoming a teacher.
Craig Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 If I do file a restraining order, or go to the police here, will I have to speak to my principal about it? You don't have to tell your principal about it unless it is stated in your written employment contract that you have to tell him about it. A restraining order is a personal and private thing.
Gunny376 Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Unfortunately, my finances are such that I am unable to buy a firearm, or move--hence the garnishment. One judgment alone was for refinancing of the suv in his name--he was to split the equity with me when I signed it over, but did not. I had to get my name off of it, because he is frequently late paying on it. You might want to Goggle Mary Hunt and Debt Free Living. Its a paid sight, ($2 a month) but they've got a fourmn on there about getting and staying out of debt. There's a lot of "good heads" (mostly women ~ wives) who are going through what you're going through right now financially. Many of them a lot worse off. I am driving the old, paid off car. I do have a cell phone. We live in a small town surrounded by other homes. The neighbors have dogs, who bark at night if anything stirs. The best kind of car to have is one that is running and paid for. There are a lot of good ideas here that I will use. I just got my teaching license and found a position here, which is hard because it’s such a small town. If I do file a restraining order, or go to the police here, will I have to speak to my principal about it? I just got hired, and I know he’s going to think; uh oh, this girl’s trouble. Plus schools are the worst gossip mills. I’m having a hard enough time just leaving my home to go to work every day, much less having to face a bunch of blabbermouths when I get there. I really need my job! Not only financially, but it helps me stay focused on the positive aspects in my life.[sIZE=2][/sIZE] Having been in a LTR with a school teacher ~ I know what you mean. No, I wouldn't tell the principal. Security around schools has gotten to the point to where everyone is on the look out for strangers that don't belong on campus. Being in a rural Alabama town I would keep my business to myself. As a buddy of mine recently told me ~ "I've not a worry nor care in the world!" "How's that?" I asked. "My wife tends to my money, and my neighbors tend to my business!" With that said, I would do everything I could to keep my telephone number and address as un-listed as possible. And, until this thing cool down and is put to rest, I would be checking in with someone when coming and going from the time that you leave to the time that you get to where you're at. How to Get Help and Leave an Abuser If you are in an abusive relationship, you may be very frightened of leaving your abuser. You may wonder where you could go, how you are going to support yourself and your children and how you are going to keep your abuser from tracking you down. It is important that you understand that there are available resources in your community which can come to your immediate aid when you do leave. These groups will educate and help you do everything within your power to legally protect yourself and your children from the abuser. If possible, make an emergency checklist and pack the items you will need when you do make the decision to leave. Start collecting the items on your checklist as soon as possible. If you have transportation, leave during a time when you know your partner will not miss you for a few hours. This will give you time to put distance between you and the abuser. If you do not have transportation, arrange to be picked up by a church member, police officer, friend or family member Many victims of domestic violence may feel as if they are somehow to blame for the abuse they received. Victims will generally have a poor sense of self worth. There are many conflicting emotions wrapped up in a relationship and it is hard to understand how someone you love, and who professes to love you, could harm you. There are numerous women’s groups who will help, support and counsel you through the many emotions you will be feeling once you leave. It is important that you learn how to trust and confide your feelings to a friend, family member or counselor. These individuals can do much to help you cope with your past and present, as well as teach you skills to move on with your life. If your life is in danger and you do not have time to make arrangements, you should leave everything behind and flee. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE from any telephone and they will help to direct you to safe places in your area. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Warning Signs Someone May Be an Abuser If you are in a new relationship, you may be wondering how you can tell if you are with someone who has the potential to be an abuser. Here is a list of warning signs which may help you identify if your new partner may be an abuser. He or she professes his or her undying love to you very soon in the relationship and comes across as genuinely warm and charming.He or she is overly suspicious and jealous of you and your activities.He or she may try to control your life. This may include trying to control where you go, who you see, what money you spend, what you wear, where you work and more.He or she may show a general lack of respect and a strong disliking to authority figures. This may be law officials, on the job managers, parents, clergy and more.He or she may exhibit a dual personality. One part of him or her is sweet, charming and youthful. The other part of him or her is angry, authoritative, and/or aggressively violent.He or she has hit, shoved, pinched, kicked or hurt you in the past.He or she has battered a former spouse or romantic interest.He or she is threatened by any successes you may have in your life, separate from him or her.Alcohol or drugs seem to aggravate his or her violent tendencies.He or she may somehow find a way to blame you for any disappointments that he or she may have.He or she may want to use sex as a way of making up after an explosive or violent outburst.He or she will put you down and try to embarrass you in public and/or private.He or she may experience road rage very frequently.He or she is very competitive and is a very sore loser.His or her word comes to mean nothing.He or she will try to isolate you from your family and friends.He or she may roughhouse on occasion, but you notice that he or she is getting more rough.If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help. Order of Protection An Order of Protection is a legal document that is issued by a judge to help protect you from someone that is abusing you. What Will an Order of An Order of Protection that is issued by a judge can do much to limit an abuser’s behavior. The abuser can be ordered to leave a residence.The abuser can be ordered to stay away from your place of employment, your children’s school, your family and friend’s homes and other places you may frequent. The abuser can be ordered to not contact you. This can include letters, telephone calls, emails and leaving messages with friends and family.If the abuser violates any order put forth by the judge, he or she will be picked up by police and arrested. The only way to get the Order of Protection changed is for you to personally request it in court. Having an Order of Protection will give you high priority with the police if you call them in an emergencyHow Do I Get an Order of Protection? You can get an Order of Protection against an abuser in Criminal Court or in Family Court. Most court houses will have an office that provides free legal aid to victims of domestic violence. The free legal aid is provided by attorneys and law students. Criminal Court requires that an arrest must have been made regarding the abuse. Many times it is easier to get an Order of Protection through Family Court. If you do go through Family Court, this does not mean that your abuser will not be brought up for charges. Family Court is also the place where issues such as custody, visitation and child support is decided. The first thing you will do is go the courthouse in your area and obtain the petition for an Order of Protection. It is important that you remember to bring identification for yourself, as well as your abuser. This can include your abuser’s photo, place of employment, tag and driver’s licence number and addresses and phone numbers of your abuser’s family and friends. Protection Actually Do? Next, you will have to fill out the petition. Ask questions if you do not understand what you are reading. You should include details about the abuse you are receiving. If you would like, you can contact a woman’s advocacy group or organization and an employee will come and help you fill out the information. You will need to sign the petition in front of the clerk. A judge will then look over your petition and ask you questions if he or she feels inclined. Once the judge signs the petition, a copy will be delivered to the abuser via the local law enforcement. You should also keep at least two copies of the Order of Protection for your own records. Your abuser has 30 days to request a hearing. If no request is made, your Order of Protection is generally valid for up to one year. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Battered Women’s Syndrome Battered Women’s Syndrome is considered to be a form of Post-Traumatic Stress. Battered Women’s Syndrome is a recognized psychological condition that is used to describe someone who has been the victim of consistent and/or severe domestic violence. To be classified as a battered woman, a woman has to have been through two cycles of abuse. What is a Cycle of Abuse? A Cycle of abuse is abuse that occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways: it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse. A son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of generational abuse. The episodic cycle of abuse is characterized by distinct periods of behavior that eventually result in an extreme episode of verbal and/or physical abuse. Typically, victims of episodic abuse live in denial of this reoccurring pattern. Stages of Battered Women's Syndrome There are generally four stages in the battered women’s syndrome Stage One–Denial Stage one of battered women's syndrome occurs when the battered woman denies to others, and to herself, that there is a problem. Most battered women will make up excuses for why their partners have an abusive incident. Battered women will generally believe that the abuse will never happen again. Stage Two–Guilt Stage two of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman truly recognizes or acknowledges that there is a problem in her relationship. She recognizes she has been the victim of abuse and that she may be beaten again. During this stage, most battered women will take on the blame or responsibility of any beatings they may receive. Battered women will begin to question their own characters and try harder to live up their partners “expectations. Stage Three-Enlightenment Stage three of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman starts to understand that no one deserves to be beaten. A battered woman comes to see that the beatings she receives from her partner are not justified. She also recognizes that her partner has a serious problem. However, she stays with her abuser in an attempt to keep the relationship in tact with hopes of future change Stage Four–Responsibility Stage four of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman recognizes that her abuser has a problem that only he can fix. Battered women in this stage come to understand that nothing they can do or say can help their abusers. Battered women in this stage choose to take the necessary steps to leave their abusers and begin to start new lives If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help. PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THIS PART ~ GUNS Emergency Checklist When Leaving Violence If you are planning to leave your abuser there are preparations you can take which will help to ensure that you and your children are not on the street with just the clothes on your back As soon as safely possible, go to the bank and open an account that is just in your name. Any extra money you get should be placed in this account. If you cannot get to a bank, find a hiding place where you can store your money until you leave.Make copies of all-important documents and give them to someone for safe keeping. This documents should show proof of who you and your children are, as well as other papers of importance. These documents can include birth certificates, marriage certificates, insurance policies and cards, legal documents such as divorce papers, restraining orders or custody papers, social security cards, medical records, school records, drivers license, car titles, registrations and tag numbers, all loan papers, credit card numbers, green cards, and welfare cards/papers.Leave an extra set of house and automobile keys with someone you trust.Pack at least four weeks worth of medications for you and your children.Pack changes of clothing for you and your children.Pack an address book which lists all important names, addresses and telephone numbers.Pack money, credit cards, check books, debit cards, as well as small valuable items you can sell if your accounts get closed by the abuser.Pack comfort items for both you and your children.Take any letters or correspondence from your abuser, especially if his abuse is admitted in them.Try to have a cell phone. If you do not have a cell phone, have change (coins) or a calling card for emergency telephone calls.Think about a safe place where you and your children can go.Take pets with you or make other arrangements for them when you leave.If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help. For more information: http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp
Gunny376 Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 You should also develop multiple and redundant exit strategies and safe havens for whereever you go. Use military gurellia tactics ~ in that you don't establish patterns ~ that is don't follow a set and given routine, nor take the same route to work and other places. Vary them daily. Vary the times that you leave the house, go to work, come home. Do a "walk-around" your car and home before entering. Observe for signs of disturbance. Use clear adhesive tape around points of entry, to see if they've been disturbed since leaving. (But make it un-noticable to all but you) Your most vulnerable place is going to and from a building ~ especially your car. Always approach it from the backside ~ checking out the back seat first. If the small Alabama town that you live in, is like the one that I came from ~ (only one police officer) you need to know his home phone number, as well as any other law enforcement officers that live in your town. Most Alabama sherrif's office have at least one deputy that lives in each town or community within their juristicition or close by. Also, know that after midnight, there usually are no more than a handful of highway patrolmen on patrol throughout the state of Alabama. Keep your cell phone with you at all times, and then go to WalMart and get one of those batteries, that will charge your cell phone in an emergency, should yours suddenly go dead. Put law enforcement No#'s and 911 on speed dial.
Gunny376 Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Living like that must suck royally! I would not live someplace like that. That would be my other bit of advice - move. Far away. And give your coordinates to family only. If you do live in cowboyland, move someplace that's closer to being civilized. Not really, Alabama is a great place to live, and is really pretty safe. Most of the crime and murder (un-fortunately) is Black on Black and in the cities. Most people in Alabama are God fearing, church going, up-right citizens. There's just certain things you don't do, which can get you into a "mess" of trouble, such as going around messing around with things you haven't any business bothering with, like other people's property. If you act and do as your suppose to, you won't have any problems. If you're a law abiding citizen ~ you won't have any problems. You go to acting like an idiot ~ you've got problems! Folks around here look out for one another, and care about each other. If a negibor sees someone they don't know or not familiar with, they call the law. Most male children know how to shoot and handle a gun by the age of 10. Mostly through hunting. To get a hunting liscense, you've got to take a course on gun use, proper handling, and safety. Alabama Law Enforcement is awesome. The last place you want to break the law is in Alabama. The last place you want to go to prison is in Alabama. They don't cuddle you.
Gunny376 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Seems like whenever I post to DV threads, we never hear from them again, which worries me.
ilmw Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Seems like whenever I post to DV threads, we never hear from them again, which worries me. Yeah thats true.... Maybe they are back in the honeymoon stage of the cycle of abuse:( Just to repeat itself!
Author Mimosa Belle Posted October 9, 2006 Author Posted October 9, 2006 [sIZE=4]I don’t know if you could classify what happened as DV, or more like an attack on your spouse. There never were any cycles--didn’t give him a chance to do it again. I’ve never been exposed to DV before, and I can’t tell you how humiliating it is. No, after that time, there weren’t going to be anymore times. The hearing is on Thursday in Ohio. I am hoping that his thinking when his company gets the wage garnishment will be “wow, I’m in trouble now, and I’d better watch my p’s and q’s. I should have done what the judge said in the first place and this wouldn’t have happened.” Maybe he’ll tow the line, straighten up so he doesn’t get into more trouble. However, he remarried shortly after the divorce was final. He will probably try to hide this wage garnishment from his new wife. If he gets into trouble at work and with his new wife, and he feels he has nothing else to lose, well, that’s what worries me. [/sIZE]
Lor Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Mimosa, make sure you have someone walk you to your car after school, especially if it starts to get dark. Restraining orders are only paper and they won't do you any good if he does decide to come after you. The self-defense classes are an excellent idea for all the reasons mentioned, and even though I understand and respect guns, I have to agree that that's a bad idea. Hopefully he's only your run of the mill bully that will decide that you're not worth the trouble since he's moved on. maybe your best bet is to cut the loses if he won't pony up the money from the D and start over without it, hard as it may sound. Hopefully the new wife doesn't find out the hard way like you had to just what he is like. You may feel like you've drug your family into this and that they may get hurt...I'm sure that's a chance they're willing to take. You're very lucky to have their love and support--let them help you.
debilou Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 YOU have to educate yourself about stalking and decide for YOURSELF what to do. There's a great book called "The gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I believe this should be required reading for all of us. One of the best books I've ever read. This man sounds seriously dangerous. Only time will tell what he'll do. I feel for you. I was afraid of my stbxh for a long time but he seems to have calmed down. Thank God! Bottom line, he's gonna do what he's gonna do. You can do alot for yourself. Check out the self defense program called, I think, Impact. It's geared toward woman. A woman has more strength in her legs, etc. You can research it online. I did. There's another book called "When beauty bites Beast". See, I've been there. My stbxh is 6'2" and a black belt. I'm 5'3". He left me and when he figured out he was losing control over me he got physical, no beatings or hitting, but grabbing. Stupid stuff. It's all just history now and I'm happy it never escalated to more violence. Read "The gift of Fear". You can even get it on CD to listen in the car. I made my boys listen to it. It's all about believing your gut instinct to keep yourself safe! Take care, Debilou
Author Mimosa Belle Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 Talked with my att. this am. Hearing was yesterday, not Thurs. as I thought. Got the dates mixed up. Judge signed a withholding order for 25% of his pay for over 6 months, about $1400 a month for me....this is all from the hospital bills and the equity in the vehicles he owes. Slept well last night....tonight, don't know. Am nervous. Thanks for all the suggestions here--again, being in a small town, they haven't anything in the way of self-defense classes, but I've researched the web sites suggested here. I always thought I was pretty strong for my size, but when someone who outweighs you by 120 lbs. and has 8 inches height on you, well....I can run really fast, though. I guess awareness and precaution will be the best thing for now. The Judge, in the final decree, charged my ex with Contempt of Court for not following orders the first time. If his company reviews his security clearance when they get this wage garnishment, will this show up? I hope he doesn't lose his job--I need the $ to clear the bills he left me with!
Gunny376 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Goggle Paladin Press Go to the self defense section Books, DVD's and videos on armed and un-armed self defense Shouldn't affect his security clearance since it arrives from a divorce. Provided he's not doing anything else stupid. Will probally trigger at least and internal review, and will come up when he goes for his re-neweal.
Author Mimosa Belle Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Well, this week I guess whatever happens, happens. Saturday I received 3 documents in the mail from my lawyer. One is a copy sent to my ex--a court order for his appearance at a hearing in early Dec. to ascertain his assets to pay the $8000 judgment he owes. This court order states if he doesn’t show up there may be a punishment issued for contempt of Court. The other two documents were sent to my ex’s employer. One is a $1600 garnishment for attorney’s fees. That goes into effect immed. The other is an interrogatory document with questions about my ex’s salary that his employer is required to answer by the hearing in Dec. This also states the total amount he owes me--in effect, the whole paper lets his employer know a second garnishment is on the way, for the second judgment--an $8000 for me. He nearly got fired for taking me off his insurance when we separated. The judge ordered him to keep me on his insurance until the divorce was finalized. I had a dr.’s appt., found out I was no longer insured, called my lawyer, and she wrote a letter to his company with the court order stating the Judge’s order about the insurance. His company forced him to put me back on, saying that they could have been sued over COBRA. Well, his performance at his previous jobs wasn’t sterling. I’m sure it isn’t at this job either. When HR gets these papers this week, I am wondering if he could lose his job over it? How can I collect if he gets fired?
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Well, if he gets fired you either go to the next employer or give it up.....
Gunny376 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Even fools tend to learn after the third time. Between catching it from his employer, the courts, and his current wife ~ along with garnishment orders, threats of contempt of court rulings should be suffice to whip this guy in line ~ but you never know. Guy sounds like a pure dumb azz! I bet his lawyer wished he'd never took on his case.
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Naw, Gunny, guy's like this will always blame it on someone else...it's never their fault. Just like my first X--he would get a great job, pretty soon they were all idiots and only he knew what he was doing. Then he would quit cuz he just couldn't take working with a bunch of morons anymore. When we lived in Nebraska he had 3 jobs in under 9 months....
Gunny376 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 You're right Lor, having worked with dedicated, professionals who volunteered to give up a minimum of four years of their life to serve and defend their country, and to be apart of something greater than themselves warped my thinking to the "real" world out here in civilian la~la land. Since retiring from the Corps I've ran into a lot of people (men and women) who want a paycheck, but don't believe they're supose to do anything to earn it other than show up.
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Since retiring from the Corps I've ran into a lot of people (men and women) who want a paycheck, but don't believe they're supose to do anything to earn it other than show up. that's half the battle..... :lmao:
Author Mimosa Belle Posted October 21, 2006 Author Posted October 21, 2006 Well, everything as been processed in the courts, until the Dec. hearing for my $$$. No word yet, no hang up calls, soooooo........maybe things are looking up in my favor. I'll close this thread for now. Thanks everyone for the encouragement and advice, you came thru at a much needed time....
ilmw Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Well, everything as been processed in the courts, until the Dec. hearing for my $$$. No word yet, no hang up calls, soooooo........maybe things are looking up in my favor. I'll close this thread for now. Thanks everyone for the encouragement and advice, you came thru at a much needed time.... Good to hear... hope all goes well Good luck too ilmw
Author Mimosa Belle Posted October 21, 2006 Author Posted October 21, 2006 Sorry I didn't mention this in the previous post. I am holding my main man (the only one and only for now) He is a fuzzy Hymal. Persian with blue eyes. He'll listen you talk about everything for hours on end, as long as you keep with his food and water dish fresh, and he can set on your lap for endless pats and strokes. I'm a very tactile person--it is one of the ways I show I care about someone. When Ex attacked me, I felt that part of my pyshce really bruised...but J.P. DippyDo (his name) is def. helping heal that. Meow!
dgiirl Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 It's funny how the fuzzy males are a lot more loyal I had my cat b4 i even met my exh and when I first moved in with my ex, we contemplated getting rid of my cat because he had allergies. Thankfully, we never did, because he's been extremely loyal throughout the whole ordeal. He even hissed and ran away from my exh last time he saw him lol I gave him extra treats that night lol
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