Danger - Ex husband can get out of control with rage!

[Mimosa Belle]

This is a long story, but I’ll try to give the cliff notes version.

Ex-Husband and I were married 5 years. After marriage, he underwent a drastic personality change. Was extremely controlling with money, and showed anger a lot. We went to counseling at my request; this turned into personal counseling for him, with antidpres meds. He went off his meds and shortly thereafter was fired from his position. We are both educated and in professional positions. I could never get a clear answer from him why he was fired, but he came home crying that night. I was told by his friend and coworker that he saw him being escorted off the workplace by security.

 

We lost our home, everything. I stuck by him thru a year long nightmare of his unemployment and mental instability. He finally got another position (falsifying info and references) and, once he was on his feet, I prepared to leave him. Major reason; two beatings, the last one landed me in the ER. My family came from 4 states away after I checked myself into a hotel room, took one look at me, and headed to the hospital. I won’t list all the details; in the end, my family took me home with them, and when the detectives called, my dad told me they couldn’t force me across state lines to witness. I told them I was too injured and traumatized to come back and testify against him.

 

My family hired a lawyer back in that state, the divorce proceedings took almost a year and a lot of $$$ on my part. Ex was hostile and non-cooperative. Wouldn’t pick up certified mail, speak with my lawyer, or even hire one of his own. He showed up at the two hearings representing himself, and in our final decree in March, the Judge ordered him to equally divide the assets, which he has not done. Next week is (hopefully) the last hearing, in which my lawyer will get a wage garnishment on him.

 

Ex has the capacity to be out of control with rage. I am really concerned about 1.) My family’s safety--I have been staying with them throughout this ordeal for moral support and protection. 2.) What he might do in the workplace---his current employers have no idea of his history.

My lawyer, when I first filed for divorce, advised me to get a restraining order on him. I thought since I was 4 states away, it would be unnecessary and might provoke him even more. Now, seeing how hostile and combative he has been (at great personal cost to himself---3 judgments on his credit & contempt of court charges,) I am worried. I have to go thru with the wage garnishment--to recoup my financial equity in the vehicles, attorney fees, and hospital bills he was ordered to pay, in order to get on my feet again.

 

My family thinks the chances are slim he would haul his a** across 4 states to get revenge. They told me next week to be more aware of my surroundings, and not go anywhere alone for the next few weeks. However, I have a bad feeling about all of it, and I am really concerned. Should I get a restraining order, would it do any good, or would it antagonize him even more? Is there anything else I could do to protect my family?

[Tony T]

After reading your post I have the same feelings you do. Take a course in handling a gun and buy one. Register it and get a license to carry a concealed weapon. If you ever feel your life is threatened by any person who is in your proximately, fire the weapon into a section of their body that you have been trained will render them forever lifeless. If you miss, continue firing but be sure not to run out of bullets!

[ilmw]

After reading your post I have the same feelings you do. Take a course in handling a gun and buy one. Register it and get a license to carry a concealed weapon. If you ever feel your life is threatened by any person who is in your proximately, fire the weapon into a section of their body that you have been trained will render them forever lifeless. If you miss, continue firing but be sure not to run out of bullets!

 

Wow!.... you can tell the gun laws are different down where you are than up here in Canada... up here getting a gun specifically to shoot someone who may or may not be a threat sounds a little too thought out... and premeditated:eek: In fact it is pretty hard to get a handgun in the first place.

 

Don't the police have any power down where memosa belle lives... has she ever filed a police report voicing her concerns where she is... based on what happened to her with the police involvment in the past...where she would not go back to testify.

 

Im pretty sure domestic violence is taken pretty serious through most states in the US... some of the protocols they follow have been used up here... and we are pretty zero tolerance up here... well I can only realy speak for Ontario...

 

I don't know memosa belle or her husband... but I have been involved in many domestic violence cases... She has to do something... or she will forever be hiding or feel like she has to hide.

 

Memosa....Stop being a victim. The gun idea....bad idea! Taking a shooting course... should not qualify you to take another persons life.... geessh...

 

Besides I hope you know what 'sight picture' is... because if you shoot at your intended targett... and you miss.... you don't have control of that round anymore.... so ... h,mmmm what if it goes wizzzzzing on down... through some house wall... and kills some little kid having some icecream..... or whatever.... get the idea.... guns are dangerous.. Taking a course... does and will not guarantee you are a good shot... and I'll add... hitting a moving targett.... much harder.... Ask anyone with real firearms experience.... Hay I have been handling firearms since I was 14 and now Im in my late 30's... I carry a 40 Cal. S&W at work every day... and I would hate to guarentee a shot if I was not confident of where it was going to hit.... get the picture.

 

You have way more options than to get a gun.... call your local police ... get them to earn their pay cheque... find out what other services you have in your area... there should be something for a woman in your situation.... get some referalls... and... keep posting... I have seen some realy great advice on here from other ladies:)

 

DON'T GET A GUN!!!!!!

ilmw

[dgiirl]

A gun?? OMG, are you serious? No wait, after my last trip to the states, yes you are serious. I agree with ilmw. I would not get a gun. Not only do you have to worry about using it, but you also have to worry about having it taken away from you in a struggle and used against you.

 

However, Tony T might have a good idea in that I think you should enroll in some self-defense classes. Not only will it build more confidence in you, but it should also teach you what signs of danger to look for and how to act in a crisis.

 

Personally, I would file a restraining order, but I've never had to do one yet, and I dont know the right answer on if it will just make things worse or not. But I think it's important to atleast have things down on paper, and I think it's wise to contact the local authorities just to make them aware of the situation, even if they cannot do anything about it.

[Mimosa Belle]

As you can see, I am hanging here looking at all the replies.

 

In light of the recent events happening at schools, I am really concerned--knowing his past and present behavior. I am a teacher. He knows where I live, but not where I work.

 

I don't know if seeing these recent events, along with how angry he has been, could give him ideas. I am pretty frantic, wondering what to do.

[ilmw]

As you can see, I am hanging here looking at all the replies.

 

In light of the recent events happening at schools, I am really concerned--knowing his past and present behavior. I am a teacher. He knows where I live, but not where I work.

 

I don't know if seeing these recent events, along with how angry he has been, could give him ideas. I am pretty frantic, wondering what to do.

 

CALL THE POLICE.... they get payed for this kind of thing...

[tonyp56]

1) You need to file for a protective order against him. 2) you need to keep as many people around you, strength in numbers if you will.

 

Go to your local police station, sit down with them and explain the situation, tell them you are scared and that you worry about what he might do. Give them a picture of him, and more or less fill them in on the situation. This is why a protective order is so important, without it, you requesting police protection is not as easy.

 

Anyways, this way, they can keep an eye out, and they will know who he is and what he looks like. Will this mean you are 100% protected, of course not, but it should help.

 

Good luck, don't do nothing because you fear what he might do, get a protective order, contact the police, and stay in areas where there are other people.

[Guest]

. If you ever feel your life is threatened by any person who is in your proximately, fire the weapon into a section of their body that you have been trained will render them forever lifeless. If you miss, continue firing but be sure not to run out of bullets!

 

Seriously bad advice. It is not yet acceptable (thank God) to shoot someone just because you 'feel your life is threatened'. And unless you wear a shoulder holster 24/7 and a license to carry a loaded weapon at all times, you still have to access the weapon, load it, and fire.

 

Much much MUCH smarter to do what the others have suggested and alert the authorities - not only in your state but in your home state. Also alert his employers and ask them to let you know if he doesn't show up for work one day.

 

Speak to a domestic violence centre to ask what other measures you should take.

 

But do NOT buy and carry a gun.

[Gunny376]

Well with your being a school teacher ~ X the gun idea, unless you want to go to prison for carrying a weapon on campus.

 

The gun idea works for me ~ but I'm a retired United States Marine, and a 20 year "Expert" with the pistol and rifle. But for the un-trained novice, even with having taken a course ~ I would deem a bad idea. A "course" would equate to nothing more than an familarization with the weapon, all of which goes out the window when you're in panic mode.

 

I agree with getting the protectioin order, and then taking azzhat's most recent photo down to the police station and explaining the situation to them, and doing the same at work.

 

Then begin studying through books / courses about self defense. Learn about "weapons of opportunity" and how to use them. Once you've become "trained" you can walk into virtually any room, and immediately identify multiple weapons of opportunity, even a pen or pencial if you know where to apply it (I intially wrote where, but deleted it, because don't want to give anyone any ideas) Marines are trained in hand to hand combat, for example it only takes 7 lbs of pressue (about the same as to pull a tight trigger on a pistol) to rip someone's ear off, the trick is in knowing how to do it.

 

Self defense is not so much about height, weight, nor size as it is about technique. And, you don't have to learn Kung Fu, just some of the basics. I've seen street fighters from South Philly kick some Karate butt.

There's one blow, I learned called "Night, night Bunny" that will take down the biggest, meanest biker there is, again the trick is in knowing where to apply it, and even a woman can apply it, and he's going down, because its applied to a major nerve leading to the brain housing group, and it just shuts them down.

 

To ilmw and Dgril

 

Just to give you a comparrision in the difference in gun laws, in Alabama its legal to shoot anyone anywhere where you fear your in danger of life or limb or that of another. The mayor of Montgomery, Alabama has repeatedly told the citizens of Montgomery, "All I can tell you is to buy a gun and take a course in how to use one!" in response to the crime in that city. They just buried a police officer that was shot and killed through a routine traffic stop.

[Tony T]

Seriously bad advice. It is not yet acceptable (thank God) to shoot someone just because you 'feel your life is threatened'. And unless you wear a shoulder holster 24/7 and a license to carry a loaded weapon at all times, you still have to access the weapon, load it, and fire.

 

Much much MUCH smarter to do what the others have suggested and alert the authorities - not only in your state but in your home state. Also alert his employers and ask them to let you know if he doesn't show up for work one day.

 

Speak to a domestic violence centre to ask what other measures you should take.

 

But do NOT buy and carry a gun.

 

If someone is in your face and getting ready to kill you or seriously injure you, yes...it would be really nice if the police could be on hand. But that's not practical. The laws in most if not all states permit a person to kill if they are in direct fear for their lives.

 

If someone is out to cause a person harm, they will do so no matter what kind of laws there are, no matter what kind of restraining order that might be in effect and no matter what other obstacles might be in the way. This lady is in grave danger and the ONLY way she can protect herself is by getting a permit to carry a weapon and using it if the occasion arises.

 

I'm sorry, everybody, but if somebody comes at me threatening me with bodily harm or death they're going to get a bullet between their eyes regardless of what laws may be in force. No jury in the world would convict me of taking out somebody who was intent on killing me.

 

I'm am quite aware that this sounds like a grave solution. A better solution would be to hire bodyguards...24 hours...but that's pretty expensive. There's simply no way I'm waiting five minutes for the police to arrive whens somebody can kill me and be in another section of town in that amount of time.

[Gunny376]

I agree with you Tony, but that's me.

 

Worse case scenario ~ I'd go to prison for manslaugher, but I'd be alive!

[Craig]

First, you know your husband better than anyone here so YOU get to decide what actions will be in your best interest.

 

Filing a restraining order may work IF he is inclined to follow such types of orders. In the end it is just a piece of paper and will not stop an attack if he is determined to get you. If he doesn't follow these types of orders and it would aggravate him then I'd vote for no restraining order.

 

A good self defense course will teach you less than 10 basic techniques that can save your life. It will also teach you the most important things of alla--to avoid a physical confrontation and how to make yourself less of a target for an attacker. Self defense isn't about harming others it is about reducing as much as is possible the likelihood of harm to anyone. Most of the time just talking and/or running away is the best self defense. You need to spend some time learning about self defense.

 

What ever you do don't just go out and buy a gun or pepper spray or mace and think you have protection. Expect to spend $$ learning how to use these devices. Even chemical sprays have a right and wrong way to use them against an attacker and most people intuitively use them the wrong way.

 

Consult with your local domestic violence center, make an appointment with an advocate or counselor and tell them your story. They have the experience, skills and knowledge (in most cases) to effectively assist you. You have to do the work but hopefully they can point you in the right direction.

 

Google 'safety plan' domestic violence for some ideas on putting a safety plan together.

 

Think about hiding your identity, addresses, phone numbers, etc. from the public. Unlisted numbers are easy to get, if your real address is on anything...a drivers license, phone bill, electric bill, bank account, etc. he can find you. Talk to the domestic violence center about how to protect yourself from your husband finding you.

 

The police. Don't rely on them, you have to do this as if you are on your own and all alone because essentially you are. If no crime has been committed then they can't do anything. Even if a crime has been committed against you by your husband (in the future) he may get out on bail, etc. so there are no guarantees. Do talk to them, in person is probably better than the phone. If the officer you talk to doesn't take notes and doesn't seem that interested send copies of the same letter to many people in the police force in question explaining your situation, voicing your concerns and asking for tips, assistance and help. That should get someone to take notice of your situation.

 

911. At the first instance of harassment, abuse, violence, stalking or anything at all where your ex-husband is doing something that concerns you, call 911 or the non-emergency number and report it. If you have contact with him you call 911, if there is no contact but you are aware of his activities then you call the non-emergency number. If you see him in the area you live and you don't know why he is there, report it. If you get nasty letters or phone calls from him, report it. If he says something out of anger that you 'know' he doesn't mean, report it. If he knocks on your door, report it. All of these reports will add up to something and eventually he'll either get a stern talking to by the police or be arrested. If you do nothing then your ex's sense of power and invincibility will grow and his actions against you might (might) escalate.

 

Keep a diary of his actions. Just put down what he did and how it made you feel. Don't be judgmental in this diary as it might be used in future criminal/civil actions against him.

 

There is so much more that you need to know so please start learning how to take the steps to protect yourself.

 

Your family while well meaning does not know your ex like you do. Don't be lulled into complacency by them. Remember what he was/is like and take the steps that are right for you.

[CryingCanuck]

What a crazy, stupid, idiotic, moraunic, hairbrained AND useless suggestion. A gun is not the answer in the least, a gun in the wrong hands ( most people trained or not) will often result in the gun owner being themseves hurt. The VAST majority of gun related injuries and deaths occur to the owner of the gun who shoots him/herself due to mishandling the weapon.

 

Gun, since you've left the service how often have you used a weapon? Seriously now, if you own one, how often do you practice with it? how often do you take it apart, cleanit whatever....Most non-military, law enforcement types haven't aclue...

 

Most of the general public who own a weapon buyit, take their lesons, put it either in a drawyer or a shelve and forget it's there until such a time as they get the urge to see it or think they might need it and forget that they may have left a round in the breach and WORSE the safety left off.

 

Domestic violence laws in the US are the same basically as in Canada, get a restraining order, protect yourself by not taking th esame route to work, school or whatever. if you feel threatened call the police. So have a cell phone at all times and try as best as pobbile to not be alone.

 

Guns..... scheeech, Just my silly quirk.... I hate the damn things....

 

 

CC

[Craig]

The laws in most if not all states permit a person to kill if they are in direct fear for their lives.

No they don't. Your actions have to be those that a reasonable person would take when faced with a similar situation and the allowable evidence has to support that.

 

There will be an investigation, your actions will be questioned over and over and over and over again and if there is any, ANY indication that you acted in anything but necessary and reasonable self defense you will be arrested. Based on the evidence the D.A. will then decide whether to proceed with charges or not. The D.A. will charge you with something worse than the evidence supports in the hope that you plead out to a lesser charge. So you get charged with second degree murder and the D.A. hopes you plead out to involuntary manslaughter.

 

Sure you are still alive but someone is dead and your life is forever changed and not for the better.

[Guest]

This lady is in grave danger and the ONLY way she can protect herself is by getting a permit to carry a weapon and using it if the occasion arises.

 

Quote some stats of where people actually saved their own lives this way. Other than gang members, I mean.

 

Fortunately, men like Gunny and Craig have pointed out MANY other (smarter) ways she can protect herself.

 

It's highly unlikely that she'll end up in a Gunsmoke-style shootout at the corral. It's far more likely that he'll have the advantage should he get near her which is why all the ideas about alerting people and being watchful are better plans to keep her safe than her totin' a piece.

 

More people have died from being shot accidentally (like the policeman mentioned above) than have been shot in the commission of a crime. And that's just not acceptable.

[Gunny376]

 

Gun, since you've left the service how often have you used a weapon? Seriously now, if you own one, how often do you practice with it? how often do you take it apart, cleanit whatever....Most non-military, law enforcement types haven't aclue...

 

This is my last post about the gun issue ~ because I don't want to contribute to that line of thinking. But yes I do own a gun (more than one actually) and I do go out and practice with them two or three times a year. Handling a gun is a learned skill, and one that must be constantyly re-inforced. Not only for accuracy ~ but also safety.

 

Here in Alabama they had a "trained" veteran police office shoot and kill another police officer on the police firing range during re-qual by accident.

 

And, yes I clean them almost religiously. Most people buy them and put them up on shelf and forget where they're at. I've seen them rusted!!!!!

I don't drive around with them as a general rule ~ because the smarter thing is to not to go where you might have to use one. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

 

One of the reasons I live where I live ~ is because of the police force, (those boys DON'T PLAY) They generally have like a two minute re-act time to any given place in town. They've got a "knack" for capturing out of state fugatives just passing through town.

 

You go forty miles north to the state capital ~ and its the Wild, Wild West on the East Side of town after the sun goes down. I won't even go there unless I absolutely have to.

 

Bottom line about guns, you've got to respect them because they sure as Hell aren't going to respect you nor anyone else. I don't recommend them for the average citizen. But, if you're going to go that route, you've got to do more than just buy one, and take a course, and then let it set up on the shelf and let it rust. And for the Love of God, spend the extra money and put it in a gun safe, or at least put a trigger lock on them.

[Tony T]

Quote some stats of where people actually saved their own lives this way. Other than gang members, I mean.

 

Fortunately, men like Gunny and Craig have pointed out MANY other (smarter) ways she can protect herself.

 

It's highly unlikely that she'll end up in a Gunsmoke-style shootout at the corral. It's far more likely that he'll have the advantage should he get near her which is why all the ideas about alerting people and being watchful are better plans to keep her safe than her totin' a piece.

 

More people have died from being shot accidentally (like the policeman mentioned above) than have been shot in the commission of a crime. And that's just not acceptable.

 

 

I don't disagree with you in any way. This lady needs protection from a very violent man. I was a newspaper and television reporter on the police beat for 12 years and I know the drill from every angle. I know the pros and cons. I don't own a gun myself and I'm not a redneck shoot 'em up type of person.

 

I do know that domestic situations are volatile and emotionally charged and can easily end up in someone being killed. As non-violent as I am, if I have a violent person who may seek me out you can better be sure I'll be armed. If this lady can protect herself a better way, God bless her. It's up to her to read all these posts and pick the best way for her to protect herself. This thread is not a debate about carrying guns. It's all about giving advice to a lady who's very likely to be confronted by a man who will want to beat her to a pulp.

 

The standard police response time in most cities is five minutes...that's cool if a person has time to get to a phone and make the call. A LOT can happen while the police are on the way.

 

Now the thread starter has a lot of great ideas...and she can decide what's best for her based on the caliber of law enforcement she has in her city, whether or not her phone lines can be cut from the outside, whether or not her ex will be following her, just how hot he gets when she seeks the support money she has coming, etc.

 

I'm not disagreeing with one single post here. I'm only telling her what I would do. Let the lady make her decision...she's certainly got that coming!

[johan]

If you really want to feel safe and free from worry as soon as possible, buy a gun. Take lessons on how to use it and handle it safely. Keep it in a place where you can get to it easily at any time. Then go find him yourself and get it over with.

[ilmw]

See... told you...you would get some good advice..

 

There is a huge responsiblilty when you have a gun... carrying one in public at first for me... it seemed like its weight tripled... but you get used to it.... Now it is like an extenion of my belt... BUT... I am still aware of its terrible possibilites.... having seen first hand what hand guns alone can do.... eeek:( ... Never mind what a shot gun can do....

 

Where I am I have to discharge my side arm/shotgun allot as we tend to have allot of suicidal deer around here..that like to trot out infront of unsuspecting motorists... and the occasional racoon too:( We have to put them out of their misery.... Once I pleaded with some Wildlife Law Enforcement Guys to try and save a deer.... they looked at me funny... but they got it tranked... and then took it out some field and shot it anyway and left it for the coyots.... (I am an animal lover:D )

 

Sorry got of topic

 

Wow.. some realy informative info Craig...

[ilmw]

If you really want to feel safe and free from worry as soon as possible, buy a gun. Take lessons on how to use it and handle it safely. Keep it in a place where you can get to it easily at any time. Then go find him yourself and get it over with.

 

 

OK Rambo... :lmao:

[Gunny376]

I just noticed that you're in Southern Alabama

 

(I live north of Dothan)

 

YEA! Get a gun and learn how to use it, and practice, practice, practice.

 

(Alabama is sixth in the nation for homicide. People down here won't hesitate to put a cap in you. Domestic violence is pretty bad. Depending upon where she lives, it could be awhile before the law gets to her. In the town I live in you could drive forty miles in any direction before you get to the next town and the law. You don't leave home without a cell phone, and a dependable ride ~ you just don't do it)

[ilmw]

[COLOR=#006600]Something I found on the net... US Stats[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#006600][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#006600]Perhaps the greatest tragedy of gun violence is the tremendous numbers of children and youth killed or injured each year by firearms and these numbers are increasing at an alarming rate. In 1985, the number of firearm homicides for youth 19 years and younger was 1,339.{45} In 1995, it was 2,754. In 1995, guns accounted for 84% of homicides of persons 13 to 19 years of age.{46}Youth suicide also has increased. In 1985, there were 1,256 firearm suicides for youths one to 19 years of age.{47} In 1993, the first year for which this specific figure is available, this number increased to 1,460. Unintentional firearm deaths among youth 19 years of age and under totaled 551 in 1991. In the same year, a total of 5,737 youth 19 years of age and younger died by firearm homicide, suicide, unintentional shootings, and unknown circumstances.{48} On average, more than 14 youth each day are killed by gunshots. More and more young people are in possession of firearms. In 1995, 43,211 juveniles were arrested for weapons violations.{49} In 1976, 59% of murders committed by juveniles involved a gun. In 1991, that number had increased to 78%.{50}[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#006600][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#006600]Makes you think eh?[/COLOR]

[Guest]

Alabama is sixth in the nation for homicide. People down here won't hesitate to put a cap in you. Domestic violence is pretty bad. Depending upon where she lives, it could be awhile before the law gets to her. In the town I live in you could drive forty miles in any direction before you get to the next town and the law. You don't leave home without a cell phone, and a dependable ride ~ you just don't do it

 

Living like that must suck royally! I would not live someplace like that.

 

That would be my other bit of advice - move. Far away. And give your coordinates to family only. If you do live in cowboyland, move someplace that's closer to being civilized.

[Guest]

And for the Love of God, spend the extra money and put it in a gun safe, or at least put a trigger lock on them.

 

All of which is why it's a very fine idea to not have them in the first place. If they are best kept hidden away and locked, they're not exactly handy when the need arises.

[Outcast]

..................................................