Do you need to breakup for 6 months in order to get Married? Has anyone done this?

[WindDrifter]

Hi All,

 

My girlfriend of 3 years and I have been having issues for quite a while. She keeps on saying we met too soon and she hasn't really been by herself and she it torn between being with me or by herself. SHe can't make up her mind.

 

She has a lot of friends who have broken up for 6 months to then get back together and then marry and I have met alot of people who have done this but I just can't understand it. I have asked her does she want to be with other guys and she says she doesn't but she doens't know either and she believes she is young and doesn't want to regret not living life. So my question is what do I do make the decision for her and break it off since she can't.

 

Look I want to give us the best chance to marry each other and I am afraid we will get to a point where she would want this space so should I just give it to her. THe annoying this is that this always happens just when summer is starting. Over the winter she is happy to be with me but over summer all her friends are partying and she starts to wonder.

 

I have encrouage her to go overseas which she has been plannig to do and then think about us. I think she is going for 6 weeks. But say we do break up and she has fun then 6 months later wants to get back together how am I meant to feel? I don't think I would be able to get over the fact she has been with some other idiot who didn't know how lucky he was?

 

Ahh I am so confussed I want to be with the love of my life why is that so difficult? Why does she need this time?

 

Cheers,

WD

 

p.s. I am 27 and she is 24. She is also just finishing uni and will be working fulltime next year.

[WindDrifter]

Just to add this is her first serious relationship and she wants to know how she is meant to know if we are meant to be together?

[Tony T]

Hey, all the other details are meaningless. If this gal isn't absolutely certain beyond all doubts that YOU are the man she wants to SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH, then just let her go. You will avoid some of the most horrendous heartache you could ever have in your life.

 

Now, what happens after you let her go...just let it happen. Don't force anything...even start dating other people. Why in heaven's name should you reserve yourself for somebody who isn't sure about you???...NO, NO, NO!!!

 

I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with it being her first relationship. I promise you, when she is ready to get married...and when she is with the right person, THERE WILL BE NO DOUBT IN HER MIND!

 

Please do yourself the favor of your life and let her go NOW! If she comes back, well...fine. If she doesn't, it was never meant to be. And, just think, it's very possible you could meet your soulmate a week after this one departs for overseas. I promise you...and I give you my solemn word...if this gal finds another man and flips over him, she won't give you the time of day. Please take my word for this...or check it out with a close friend whose had experience.

 

Good luck and be strong! Don't waste your time on on women who aren't sure you're the one! THREE YEARS is plenty of time to know. Most are certain in far less time than that.

[Cheshire Cat]

Hey, all the other details are meaningless. If this gal isn't absolutely certain beyond all doubts that YOU are the man she wants to SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH, then just let her go. You will avoid some of the most horrendous heartache you could ever have in your life.

 

Now, what happens after you let her go...just let it happen. Don't force anything...even start dating other people. Why in heaven's name should you reserve yourself for somebody who isn't sure about you???...NO, NO, NO!!!

 

I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with it being her first relationship. I promise you, when she is ready to get married...and when she is with the right person, THERE WILL BE NO DOUBT IN HER MIND!

 

Please do yourself the favor of your life and let her go NOW! If she comes back, well...fine. If she doesn't, it was never meant to be. And, just think, it's very possible you could meet your soulmate a week after this one departs for overseas. I promise you...and I give you my solemn word...if this gal finds another man and flips over him, she won't give you the time of day. Please take my word for this...or check it out with a close friend whose had experience.

 

Good luck and be strong! Don't waste your time on on women who aren't sure you're the one! THREE YEARS is plenty of time to know. Most are certain in far less time than that.

 

This is great advice. I completely second it.

 

If it is you she wants to be with for the rest of her life, I think she'll figure it out pretty soon. And she won't be having any fun with other guys.

 

Before she goes overseas, or before you take time apart from each other, have some serious talk about whether both of you will still *fully* consider yourselves in a relationship meanwhile.

 

In case she will be looking around, and she might be "living life" and seeing what she is missing, please do not just be waiting for her and for her decision no matter what. (as Tony T said)

 

Start looking around yourself if possible.

When you want time apart from your bf to see what you might have been missing, it is fair that you face some risks too.

[WindDrifter]

Thanks for uour advice Tony and Cat but what about contact once we break up. She wants to be friends I don't but I don't want to be. But at the same time if I don't meet up with her once in a while we might never get back together?

[Cheshire Cat]

Thanks for uour advice Tony and Cat but what about contact once we break up. She wants to be friends I don't but I don't want to be. But at the same time if I don't meet up with her once in a while we might never get back together?

 

You can keep in contact and meeting up without being friends.

I'd actually strongly advise you against telling her you are fine being friends while you take time apart from each other. If I were in your situation I'd want her to keep well in mind that *you are not a friend of her*. You are the guy she is not sure she want to be together with after three years, and she should treat you accordingly.

I suspect that if you do not point out the difference, in case things do not turn out well for you, you might risk to become her confidant while she is making nex experiences. Not a position you want to be in.

[WindDrifter]

What about this? She really is confused about things and doesn't know what she wants. What if I say I want to break up and she says its not what she wants? What do I do? Break up with someone who doesn't want to break up? I mean there are so many things that makes me happy about being with her?

 

What are the chances that we might get back together and marry later? I wish I never had to go through this I wish I could just fast forward to a time when she know what she wants?

[Amour77]

Take your distance, NC, and she will get back to you if she really wants you. If she does not come back to you, you will know where you stand.

[WindDrifter]

The problem is she will want to chat to me like we always do but won't want to be together this is hard for me. How can I just chat to her about things when she tells me she is dating someone else or went out and kissed a guy on the weekend? It would make me so mad! I woudl implement NC but what if she doesn't? What if she couldn't live with herself which is what she has told me before. Am I just breaking up with someone who doesn't want to break up?

[Cheshire Cat]

What about this? She really is confused about things and doesn't know what she wants. What if I say I want to break up and she says its not what she wants? What do I do? Break up with someone who doesn't want to break up? I mean there are so many things that makes me happy about being with her?

 

I don't say dump her...

just find a nice, kind but firm way to tell her that you have enough of "I don't know what I want" pointless talks.

 

Offer to seriously discuss the problem with her, encourage her to open up with you, offer to help her figuring out what she wants.

After which she should take a decision and stick to it.

 

She does not want to break up? Fine, but she should concentrate on your relationship instead of thinking about what is out there that she could be missing.

You decide to take time apart? Discuss, and make it clear, whether you will both consider yourselves exclusive while taking time apart or if you will be both free to date, or have fun with, other people.

 

Set a time limit for her to take a dcision if you have to.

 

What are the chances that we might get back together and marry later?

 

No clue, but I think that how you will handle the situation will drastically increase or decrease those chances.

 

I wish I never had to go through this I wish I could just fast forward to a time when she know what she wants?

 

At least whatever will happen you will know something more about her.

 

The problem is she will want to chat to me like we always do but won't want to be together this is hard for me.

 

And selfish of her.

 

How can I just chat to her about things when she tells me she is dating someone else or went out and kissed a guy on the weekend?

 

You don't. Why should you?

If you both decide to stay in touch (which I don't think is advisable anyway in case she wants to date other people), make it clear that you won't be her confidant.

Or cut all contact as soon as she mentions kissing someone else.

 

It would make me so mad! I woudl implement NC but what if she doesn't?

 

Let her know you'd rather she did.

[WindDrifter]

Thanks Cat! Just the help I was looking for.