tullymoore Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 here is my dilema.. I met this guy whom I did not know was married at first however when I found out it really did not bother me. He is much younger than I am and very handsome, honestly the fact that he even noticed me at all sort of threw me. I know what your thinking I have low self esteem "wrong" I actually think pretty highly of myself Im smart, Im pretty (not hot but pretty) The reason I was thrown I think is because I had a discussion with one of my friends not 2 days before the night I met him about guys we knew and who were the hottest (silly discussion for two 30 something women, but hey even grown ups are silly) anyways we rated #1. Anyways here's the dilemma Im currently going thru a divorce and have been a major male basher and truly don't think I could live with another man ever...However I do want a child. So the man I met and I discussed this the night I found out he was married and we have been trying to get me pregnant ...Guess what Im pregnant . Now the dillema...He still wants to be a part of my life during and after pregnancy...(Should I let him?) I have already contacted my lawyer who is drawing up paperwork to the effect of I will not be seeking child support and he will give away all parental right to me.(this may seem cold but I want to make sure he cant take the child from me) Well guess what Im now pregnant we had discussed the situation long before I got pregnant I wanted a child, and he wanted sex. He has agreed to give away all paternal rights to the child and I have agreed to not ask for child support. Here's where things get sticky we have grown to care for each other and now its not all about sex, He wants to continue to see me during and after the pregnancy. I started this knowing one thing I did not want a man in my life again. this seems an easy solution I get the sex,the attention, and I dont have to cook for him or do his laundry.
Jane Doe Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Sorry, but I think you're being extremely selfish where your unborn child is concerned. You met up with a married man, don't care that he's married, got pregnant and want your child to know nothing of his/her father. Have you ever stopped to consider the psychological impact this is going to have on your child? He/she will grow up wondering, feeling rejected, and feeling like a huge piece of the puzzle is missing from his/her life. Children have a right to know where they came from and who they are. This may come back to bite you in the butt when your child eventually turns on you one day from being so full of resentment. If you feel the need to be "hot" that's wonderful, but don't make an innocent child suffer from your poor decisions and your desire for sex and attention.
Author tullymoore Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 Yes Im selfish because I want a baby, Im soon to be 40 and feel I have little time left. This man has agreed to acknowledge my child as his however to not try to take away the child away from me. I realize an affair seems wrong however this way the guy in question can't try presure me into a relationship because he is already in one. As far as the hot comment I was just trying emphasis that low self esteem was not the reason I sought a relationship with a married man.
Jane Doe Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Spin it any way you want to, but you will end up psychologically damaging your child with all this deceit. I'm not judging you and Lord knows I'm far from perfect, but I can almost promise you this will come back to haunt you.
CarolAnne Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Biological clock ticking... I hope, if it turns out the father decides not to stay with you and raise the child (sounds like what you were after from the beginning, to have a baby not necessarily a man around too) at least make up a story about a brave and handsome father who went off to Iraq and was killed or something. The kid deserves at least the dream of a great dad
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 This man has agreed to acknowledge my child as his however to not try to take away the child away from me. I had a friend who was the product of an affair. She was extremely upset when her mother finally told her the truth about why she didn't want my friend to look for her father. She sought out her dad's side of the family when she was legally able to anyway and they were vicious to her. Her father (or better term to use here may be sperm donor) told her she was the biggest mistake he'd ever made and that if she contacted him or his family in any way again, he would get a restraining order. As a result she began whoring around with older guys and lashing out at her mom with such spite (went so far as to try to seduce her mother's husband) that her mother disowned her. I really hope she gets her head on straight someday but it's been years since everything happened and she just seems to go farther and farther downhill. Last I heard from her was a year ago or so. She was getting married in Vegas to some guy she barely knew. I honestly wonder if it lasted the week. It's like some bad cliche. Just because the guy says he wants to hang around now doesn't mean squat. If his wife finds out about this, he may run home to never to contact you again, she may kick him out and then he will be single and able to persue a relationship with you (which you didn't want which is why you chose a MM), or she can try make your life hell as well. Women can get downright psycho when they find out another woman is carrying their husband's child. It's really not a very good position to be in. Not having a dad can be a very bitter pill to swallow. I know I always felt bad about it (My father died when I was two). Anyway, best of luck with your baby. I wish it all the happiness in the world.
Seen_It_All Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Gosh, I guess the fact that this man already has an established family - that would be DEVASTATED to know what a scumbag their husband/father REALLY is - never even crossed your selfish mind, now did it? No, of course not. Because it's all about YOU, isn't it? The fact that YOU suddenly want a kid at 40, so any old port in a storm is good enough, is it? Jane's absolutely right. What a wonderful legacy you pass onto this innocent child - that a lying cheater who was simply looking to get his d*ck wet is his father.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Way HARSH SIA...the damage is already done... alot of what is being said here are all things that should have been considered PRIOR to the pregnancy and they are all valid concerns... I don't think that it is really your decision as to whether he can be a part of the child's life. That will probably come down to the type of man he is. Does he want to be a part of the child's life or not and how his W feels about it, unless he's planning on keeping that secret, too. Now whether you want to keep him in YOUR life, that is YOUR decision. I think you were rather hasty in deciding you never want a committment with another man in your life. D is a time of great change and turmoil and it changes people who are touched by it. We grow and learn about ourselves and the world ON OUR OWN. It is a time to decide what WE want from life and a way of starting over. There is no real answer here. You have to decide what you want.
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