Hisdove Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Hello. My husband tells me that he isn't attracted to me. He's very depressed about it. When we where married 8 years ago I was a size 20. ( 5'8" and around 220lbs) I've always been heavy. He's very fit and works out sometimes twice a day with weights and cardio. When he married me he just assumed that I would loose the weight eventually. And I wanted to as well. But then I had 3 children in the next 4 years and after that I became very ill from TSS (toxic shock syndrome) and was in and out of the hospital for another year. He works a lot and I've had some very stressful years (three in diapers etc) So in 8 years I packed on another 100lbs. I can only blame myself. I'm not happy with myself and have been trying to loose weight. I will loose some and then gain it back. The most I lost was 60lbs but then I gained it back and then some. Diets just don't seem to work long term for me... so I've been exploring why I'm over eating. My husband doesn't allow junk food in the house.. no chips, soda, cookies or cakes. He has to have a healthy portion of veggies with every meal. He juices every day and reads all the latest mens health magazines... He's a good looking guy and knows it. I've lost almost 50lbs again and I'm really hoping to keep it up. I've done a lot of lifestyle changes but I can't seem to escape his eye of judgment against me. I'm still very heavy.. and for any woman that has struggled with her weight.. hearing your husband tell you that your grotesque to him really hurts bad. So here is my question... I find myself loosing weight for him rather then me. And so.. when I feel like I'm not pleasing him with my efforts I just want to give up.. and I end up binging... and sometimes purging. I want to do it for me.. but he tells me that our marraige.. his life.. would be 100% better if I was thin. The thing that gets me is he MARRIED ME this WAY! All that time in the begging of the marraige I was fooled into thinking he loved me.. but it wasn't true. He's very depressed and blames me for it. He likes to rock climb, snow board, hike, mountain bike, etc and rubs it in whenever we want to do something as a couple.. he says.. "I know lets go rock climbing or snowboarding" And he knows that in my shape that's not possible. I've planned day hikes for us and he complains they are too easy and boring. I feel for him.. he doesn't deserve a fat wife.. but I know I don't deserve a husband that doesn't love me despite my weakness in this area. I feel like there is no hope for this marraige. He's depressed and mopes all the time. And it hurts to know he's blaming it on me. I know in theory that I'm not responsible for his happiness.. that it's up to him. But when I communicate that to him he just takes it as I'm telling him to f*ck off... and that I don't care about him. I just keep shaking my head and wondering.. how the hell did I get here? How could I have married some one so differant then me. So selfish... I don't want to be fat the rest of my life.. but I do want to know I'm loved and accepted no matter what. what can I do?
StayClose Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Your post could have been written by my wife. She was fat when I met her, and at times has been up to 70 pounds more than that. We've had a lot of trouble over the fact that she doesn't do mountain bike riding or long steep hikes like I like to, and thet she doesn't feel attractive enough for me. It is also true that since you were fat when he met you, he does not have the right to complain that you're not thin now. But at the same time you owe ot to your kids and to yourself to maintain your health. So here's my two cents from experience... Go ahead and plan walks that you're able to do, but give him the freedom to hike and mountain bike by himself or friends with a similar fitness level. This will help him feel better. As your yourself, don't think about losing weight for him, think about doing it for yourself and for your kids. Just going on a diet won't work. You need a lifestyle change. See a therapist and learn how to process stress in ways other than binge eating. As you lose weight, you'll be able to handle more activity. Make healthy eating AND exercise permanent parts of your routine. Plan active things to do with your kids, who probably aren't old enogh to rockclimb yet, while hubby is rockclimbing. As you lose weight and become more active, you'll be able to do more active stuff with you H, you'll feel better about yourself and you'll grow closer again. My wife has been doing Nutrasystem for a few months now, and she's approaching the weight she was at when we met, and planning to drop another 50 or so after that. There was a time when she could barely walk a quater mile, and now we're going on 2-3 mile hikes. I still go on 10+ mile hikes without her a few times a year, but at this rate, we'll be doing 5-6 mile hikes by next summer. Good luck and keep us posted!
luvtoto Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I want to do it for me.. but he tells me that our marraige.. his life.. would be 100% better if I was thin. I was reading your post. When I came to this statement he made, I was appalled! He is emotionally abusing you. I couldn't imagine saying something like that to someone I loved. If anything, he should be supportive and helping you.
alphamale Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 He is emotionally abusing you. I would tend to agree. If he married her when she was a size 20 then he cannot be averse to larger women.
pricillia Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Hey I have some curves... but after a certian weight health issues come into play... Take one day at a time but you should try to loose the weight for yourself first and foremost.
Author Hisdove Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Your post could have been written by my wife. She was fat when I met her, and at times has been up to 70 pounds more than that. We've had a lot of trouble over the fact that she doesn't do mountain bike riding or long steep hikes like I like to, and thet she doesn't feel attractive enough for me. It is also true that since you were fat when he met you, he does not have the right to complain that you're not thin now. But at the same time you owe ot to your kids and to yourself to maintain your health. So here's my two cents from experience... Go ahead and plan walks that you're able to do, but give him the freedom to hike and mountain bike by himself or friends with a similar fitness level. This will help him feel better. As your yourself, don't think about losing weight for him, think about doing it for yourself and for your kids. Just going on a diet won't work. You need a lifestyle change. See a therapist and learn how to process stress in ways other than binge eating. As you lose weight, you'll be able to handle more activity. Make healthy eating AND exercise permanent parts of your routine. Plan active things to do with your kids, who probably aren't old enogh to rockclimb yet, while hubby is rockclimbing. As you lose weight and become more active, you'll be able to do more active stuff with you H, you'll feel better about yourself and you'll grow closer again. My wife has been doing Nutrasystem for a few months now, and she's approaching the weight she was at when we met, and planning to drop another 50 or so after that. There was a time when she could barely walk a quater mile, and now we're going on 2-3 mile hikes. I still go on 10+ mile hikes without her a few times a year, but at this rate, we'll be doing 5-6 mile hikes by next summer. Good luck and keep us posted! I wish you could talk to my husband. He feels like he's all alone here. I do encourage him to go on hikes and rock climbing trips. Sometimes he will just have one day off in 2 weeks and will use it for a such trip with a friend. I've often arranged these trips for him as well. I just want him to be happy. I do feel abused a bit... but getting angry just doesn't help either. Last night he came home and after dinner and the kids where in bed.. I was sitting on the couch watching CSI (the only tv show I enjoy) when he asked me (out of all the questions in the world he had to ask me) "Did you excersise today?" grrrrrr I blew up at him. I told him I didn't marry a personal trainer. It didn't feel like a innocent question but a interrigation. Had I gotten on my treadmill? No.. but I had cleaned every square foot of my home from top to bottom (2550 sqf).. not to mention 3 children 7 and under. I keep a pretty good house and for me at my weight that is a lot of work. I also try to have healthy dinners for him. I'm loosing weight still.. but slowly. About 3 lbs a month or so. He watches these shows like the biggest looser and wishes that was me. I feel like such a failure as a wife and a mother. I've always had a weight problem.. from as far back as elementry school. I have been changing my lifestyle .. no pop, no sugar, no eating after 8pm. My kids love veggies and they rarely have candy.. not even on Halloween. My husband doesn't want them to do the trick or treating thing. Anyways.. thanks for your remarks. I know this post could be more of a issue of my weight.. but I wanted to concentrate on how I can make my husband feel loved... He actually thinks I gained the weight because I didn't love him. *sigh* I feel like he has his head up his a*s. How can I communicate this without getting so angry or allowing myself to get hurt again?
luvtoto Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 grrrrrr I blew up at him. I told him I didn't marry a personal trainer. Good for you!! Stand up for yourself, woman!! He is really being a big jerk. Don't be worried about NOT getting upset with him, but worry about sticking up for yourself at all costs!! Don't worry too much about his feelings, he's obviously not worried about yours. Seriously. I don't think a person should ever diet. I think that in today's society, people are encouraged to "pig out". I had a period in my life where I used food as an emotional crutch. I had to retrain myself to simply quit eating when I felt full...not stuffed. Please eat healthy foods. Don't starve yourself or deprive yourself from food. Eat a balanced diet. Try to get in tune with your internal *full* meter. Just listen to your body and what it is telling you. Good luck! :)
umbo Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 So in 8 years I packed on another 100lbs. I can only blame myself. YOu gained an extra 100 lbs is what stands out to me in your post. Yes you have had 3 kids yes you clean your 2550sq house. But your marriage is suffering you are not being aggressive enough with the weight loss. You can do it I pray your husband is not cheating on you. YOu should look good at all times that is how you got him to marry you. Don't let food beat you Join a gym ride your bicycle more. Swimming is a good exercise. Men we like our wives looking good. Where is the woman at the altar who said I do to your husband you look totally different from her. I also ask my wife hey did you work out today and she says no. I have been married 7 years no children. I am not trying to be hard on you, yes you deserve love and many people love you. you have a thousand options and you can find a way to keep your marriage.
stoopid_guy Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Good for you!! Stand up for yourself, woman!! He is really being a big jerk. Don't be worried about NOT getting upset with him, but worry about sticking up for yourself at all costs!! Don't worry too much about his feelings, he's obviously not worried about yours. Seriously. I don't think a person should ever diet. I think that in today's society, people are encouraged to "pig out". I had a period in my life where I used food as an emotional crutch. I had to retrain myself to simply quit eating when I felt full...not stuffed. Please eat healthy foods. Don't starve yourself or deprive yourself from food. Eat a balanced diet. Try to get in tune with your internal *full* meter. Just listen to your body and what it is telling you. Good luck! :) What she said. Plus, no sane man could expect a wife to not gain weight over time. It's just going to happen, especially with pregnancys. Yes, a hundred pounds sounds like a lot, but it's not nearly as huge an amount for a lady who started at 220 as it would be for someone who started at 120, and you've taken 50 of that off? You should eat healthy and stay active for your own happiness, but your hubby's being a jerk about it. He should be supportive, not adding to your stress.
LVspecB Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 When we where married 8 years ago I was a size 20. ( 5'8" and around 220lbs) I've always been heavy. He's very fit and works out sometimes twice a day with weights and cardio. When he married me he just assumed that I would loose the weight eventually. And I wanted to as well. But then I had 3 children in the next 4 years and after that I became very ill from TSS (toxic shock syndrome) and was in and out of the hospital for another year. He works a lot and I've had some very stressful years (three in diapers etc) So in 8 years I packed on another 100lbs. I can only blame myself. Why would you let your husband's reaction govern what you do for yourself? At 320 lbs, you are off the charts for many of the risk factors associated with Diabetes, Heart Disease, Stroke, etc. And yet, you seem to be waiting for his approval and acceptance to address things that directly affect you and you only. I find myself loosing weight for him rather then me. And so.. when I feel like I'm not pleasing him with my efforts I just want to give up.. You can't control (and maybe in this case, shouldn't worry about) whether or not your actions "please" him. The simple question is, "What do you want for yourself ?" LVspecB
stillafool Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Is your husband willing to hire a trainer for you? I think you can do a little better than 3 lbs a month. However it can't be easy when someone isn't encouraging you and only seeing you with a critical eye. Does he still want to have sex? If so, you are that disgusting to him. Definitely lose the weight for you and your kids. Don't worry yourself about how to make him happy - it's pretty obvious to me what would make him happy. I would concentrate on myself and not try to keep up with him. I think it would be good to seek a weight loss system where you can partner with others for encouragement. Maybe you should join Curves I've seen women lose quite a bit of weight on their 30 minute work out routine. When your H gets home from work I would ask him to keep the kids so you can work out outside of the home. Good luck to you.
stillafool Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 One other thing, since your husband only eats fruits and veggies and that's what your kids love, can't you just eat what they eat? I bet you would see a big difference if you only ate what he eats. Good luck!
luvtoto Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 One other thing, since your husband only eats fruits and veggies and that's what your kids love, can't you just eat what they eat? I bet you would see a big difference if you only ate what he eats. Good luck! I can see where you are coming from, stillafool. But, I have heard of people gaining weight from having a strict fruit and veggie diet. Too much fruit-sugar is bad for a person and can actually make your insulin levels go through the roof. Which in turn causes cholesterol levels to sky-rocket. The key is balance in moderation.
luvtoto Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Is your husband willing to hire a trainer for you? That would be awesome if he did. But, that would be what a supportive husband would do. He's choosing to belittle her and blame *all* his happiness problems on her condition. That seems highly irrational to me. IMO, even if she did lose all the weight, I am sure her husband would then complain about how she has all these hot guys lookin' at her. So, if she does decide to slim down, she shouldn't do it for his benefit. Just sayin'...
carmaenforcer Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Hisdove, you called your husband selfish but aren't you only thinking about your own "feelings" in that he needs to accept you not matter how fat you want to be or remain. Don't get me wrong, I have forever fought the battle of the bulge all my life as well. @ my height I look great at a muscular 185 lbs, but I am not able to maintain that all the time. I fluctuate between 185 lbs fit to a 210 chubby, I made it to 238 lbs at my heaviest. So I understand and feel you pain. That having been said, there is no excuse for neglecting or trivializing you Husbands need or wants because or your weakness. Take some responsibility and just do "WHATEVER" you need to do to loose the weight. I doubt that veggies and exercise are keeping you fat. Yeah he married you at 220 lbs but I don't subscribe to that "if he married you like that, then tuff isht" way of rationalizing. EXCUSES!!! Bottom line if you love him, you will stop just thinking of your self for once and just freaking, REALY DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. Watching what you eat is important, stay away from sugar, don't drink soda at all, no candy bars, no cakes or pastries. Eat more veggies than carbs, eat lean meat. Always not just when dieting. Take up jogging at least 30 minutes every other day, not walking, walking is a joke. This is what works for me at least, hope you find something that works for you. Despite popular opinion, a mans feelings and needs are as important in a happy relationship, after all there are two people in a marriage not just one.
luvtoto Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Despite popular opinion, a mans feelings and needs are as important in a happy relationship, after all there are two people in a marriage not just one. Yes! There are two people in a marriage. But, her husband is acting like his wants and needs are the only thing that matter.
carmaenforcer Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 luvtoto, so what is more important, his need to have a slim(mer) Wife, or her need to be fat and left alone about it. You (women) have to be realistic and understand that the coolest man can only be so for so long before loosing his cool and snapping. She is lucky he is still willing to talk about it and try to get her to loose the weight and not just do the easier thing and cheat and come home and tell his Wife I love you no matter how much you let yourself go and no matter how much you neglect me sexually. YEAH!!!
stoopid_guy Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Despite popular opinion, a mans feelings and needs are as important in a happy relationship, after all there are two people in a marriage not just one.Agree that the husbands feelings are also important, but from this: I've planned day hikes for us and he complains they are too easy and boring. I feel for him.. he doesn't deserve a fat wife.. but I know I don't deserve a husband that doesn't love me despite my weakness in this area. it sounds like he's being a major jerk about it. She knows she has a problem, he should be constructive and supportive. He should encourage her to get out and be active, and praise every step she takes in the right direction.
luvtoto Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 luvtoto, so what is more important, his need to have a slim(mer) Wife, or her need to be fat and left alone about it. You (women) have to be realistic and understand that the coolest man can only be so for so long before loosing his cool and snapping. She is lucky he is still willing to talk about it and try to get her to loose the weight and not just do the easier thing and cheat and come home and tell his Wife I love you no matter how much you let yourself go and no matter how much you neglect me sexually. YEAH!!! Uh, he married her heavy (200lbs). It's too bad if he wants her to be a skinny-minny now so far into their marriage. If she lost the extra 100 lbs and got back to her pre-marriage weight, would he be happy then?
StayClose Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Last night he came home and after dinner and the kids where in bed.. I was sitting on the couch watching CSI (the only tv show I enjoy) when he asked me (out of all the questions in the world he had to ask me) "Did you excersise today?" grrrrrr I blew up at him. I told him I didn't marry a personal trainer. It didn't feel like a innocent question but a interrigation. Had I gotten on my treadmill? We've faced this issue too. I'm interested in my wife's progress, and I'm interested to know that she's working out when I'm at work. But if I ask about it, it sounds like interrogation and judgement to her, even though it was asked purely out of interest in her well being and progress. 2 The deal we made was that if she works out, she will make a point of telling me about it without me asking. Then I congratulate her and praise her for it, providing positive re-enforcement. That way I'm in the loop without her feeling questioned. He watches these shows like the biggest looser and wishes that was me. I feel like such a failure as a wife and a mother. I don't watch that show, but she does. FWIW, although she doesn't have a personal trainer on her back like the people on the show, she feels she learnes stuff from it. Anyways.. thanks for your remarks. I know this post could be more of a issue of my weight.. but I wanted to concentrate on how I can make my husband feel loved... He actually thinks I gained the weight because I didn't love him. *sigh* I feel like he has his head up his a*s. How can I communicate this without getting so angry or allowing myself to get hurt again? How's intimacy and sex? I don't mean to be crass, but there seems to be a consesus that how loved a man feels has a lot to do with his sex life. I'll put it this way, if he had a big issue with big women, he wouldn't have married you in the first place. If you have withdrawn from sex and intimacy because you don't feel attractive enough, that just hurts both of you. As I've explained to my wife, only about 20 percent of what is sexy is what someone's body looks like (so I'm not saying that looks are completely irrelevent). But about 80 percent is the person's attitude and whether they're will to let their sexual energy come out and connect with their partner. If the two of you can regenerate 80 percent physical connection you had early in the relationship (considering that 90-100 percent is VERY diffiuclt to do years & a couple of kids later), both of you WILL feel loved and you'll be able to lose wieght for yourself, your kids AND him and feel good about it.
carmaenforcer Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Agree that the husbands feelings are also important, but from this: it sounds like he's being a major jerk about it. She knows she has a problem, he should be constructive and supportive. He should encourage her to get out and be active, and praise every step she takes in the right direction. True not_sostoopid_guy, definitely a jerk move. But it also sounds a lot like a guy that is going to throw up if he hears another excuse. I did the whole going out jogging with my ex because she wanted to loose weight but then seeing her sabotage her diet not take it as seriously as I was really started to get on my nerves. Why is it such a big deal for this woman to do something for her man that might make him happy? Is that so wrong? Guys are expected to do sh_t they don't want to do for their women and it's a good thing. Ahh the double standard.
Marquis-de-Carabas Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 First of all, let me congratulate you on losing 50 pounds. It's not easy, but you are on the right track! Continue with the daily hikes, even if your hubby complains that they are too easy. Remind him that you are not in the same shape that he is. These hikes are to YOUR fitness level, not his. If you try to overdo it to please him, you'll just injure yourself and set back any improvements that you made. I don't understand why all the guys are going, "You should change because guys like fit chicks." To me, he's expecting you to change and getting pissed because you don't change to his speed and liking. Guys get all ticked off when their wives try to change them, but women are supposed to change when the guy says? Sounds like a double-standard. Becoming fit has its rewards: more energy, flexibility and a better mood. You will be able to fit into more appealing clothes. I notice that there is a lot of negativity in your husband: If he wants to help you out, he will get better cooperation from you with positive reinforcement. I just don't see that this will happen in the future. He's too focused on blaming you for not changing to his 'ideal wife' NOW. Perhaps joining a group like weight-watchers would give you the positive reinforcement that you need. You need to hear encouraging words to keep on going; negativity just makes you want to say, "screw it" and dig into a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I do know that losing weight and getting fit are hard. In the last year I've gone from size 24 to a 18/20. When I got married 7 years ago, I was a 16/18. My husband, however, has always been supportive. We both gained weight over the years and we're now changing our eating habits with success. One thing I've done is to conciously think to myself, "Am I hungry or just eating out of stress?" I did a lot of eating because I was stressed out and not really hungry. When I started exercising, it HURT and it hurt for months. It still hurts to exercise, but the pain goes away faster each time. I don't think that people who fit understand that. They think you should be able to hike 10 miles just because you want to. It takes time to get to that level.
carmaenforcer Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Uh, he married her heavy (200lbs). It's too bad if he wants her to be a skinny-minny now so far into their marriage. If she lost the extra 100 lbs and got back to her pre-marriage weight, would he be happy then? All I'm saying is that if it will make her husband happy, what's the harm in loosing not just the extra 100 lbs that she gained but then some more to get really hot. I know that she doesn't have to loose the weight for him. I understand and am forced to agree with the whole he met her fat arguement, but couldn't she just do it for him anyway and not become a slut or attention whore as soon as she gets skinny. No I guess that would be too much to ask, huh. I do like the "you met me that way now your stuck with it", arguement. I plan on using it the next time my Wife asks me to stop riding my motorcycle. You hear that you guys, if you didn't have a good job, a house or kids when your Wife met you then you could just sit back and do nothing because she married you that way so now she's stuck with it. You had a mullet when you met your Wife! Well guess what, you don't have to loose it.
luvtoto Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 but couldn't she just do it for him anyway and not become a slut or attention whore as soon as she gets skinny. No I guess that would be too much to ask, huh. Yes, I understand your point of view. HOWEVER, please listen. He is being a complete jerk to her because #1: he is blaming HER for ALL the problems in the relationship...no wait...his life! #2: he is unsupportive and is just tearing his wife down with his words. I am sure there is a completly different approach he could be taking with her that does not involve abuse. If I were her, I wouldn't give a damn about making him happy. How would that make you feel if your wife blamed ALL of her unhappiness on you? Seems a bit irrational and over-the-edge.
lindya Posted October 10, 2006 Posted October 10, 2006 When he married me he just assumed that I would loose the weight eventually. Did he marry you with the intention of helping/pressurising you to lose that weight? I've had some very stressful years (three in diapers etc) So in 8 years I packed on another 100lbs. I can only blame myself. There's no need to start attributing blame. It just leads to a cycle of negativity and feelings of worthlessness, none of which will help you to make positive changes. What do you think are the main reasons? hearing your husband tell you that your grotesque to him really hurts bad. I'm sure it does. I can't imagine having to share my living space with someone who came out with nasty sh*t like that. I find myself loosing weight for him rather then me. And so.. when I feel like I'm not pleasing him with my efforts I just want to give up.. and I end up binging... and sometimes purging. I want to do it for me.. but he tells me that our marraige.. his life.. would be 100% better if I was thin. Yes, no doubt if you were slimmer that might make you happier, which could have a knock-on effect on him...but it sounds as though he sees you getting thin as some kind of panacea that would cure all his defects and problems. It wouldn't. He'll still be the same person...and what happens then? Does he find something else about you to use as a scapegoat for his depression? I don't want to be fat the rest of my life.. but I do want to know I'm loved and accepted no matter what. what can I do? Would a period of temporary separation from him be feasible? That might help you feel motivated to make the positive changes you want to make - and if nothing else, it would give you a break from what sounds like a highly unpleasant living arrangement.
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