EndoftheRope Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 H has a history of setting up secret e-mail accounts. He's done it twice. Both times involved women I'd never heard of. One of these friendships he's managed to keep very quiet about for thirteen years, and has allowed me to think a couple of times that he was no longer e-mailing her. He gave me the password to his personal account to 'prove' he was aboveboard. In reality, he just moved the important people to his work account and didn't tell me. He promised our mc last March or April that he would be an open book, and forward all personal e-mail he received at his work account to our joint account. Sure enough, I eventually found out he was still getting e-mail from the 13 year friend. He said he'd only promised to forward personal e-mail from his family. The last e-mail (unless he's still getting them) that he exchanged with this woman was immediately after our discussion about who all was included in 'personal e-mail.' So last night, I found out he's not forwarding e-mails from his sister, either. In a way, I don't care about the e-mails themselves. But it's just one more sign that his promises mean absolutely nothing. Of course, the e-mails themselves were once again the two of them discussing me, which was exactly one of the reasons the mc told him to forward all e-mails to me: to quit triangulating with his family about me. But the bigger issue is that his promises mean absolutely nothing. I don't think a marriage can survive with absolutely no trust. When I tell him that, he shrugs, and says something like, "I'm sorry you don't trust me," as if I am the one with the problem. I think he thinks he's such a smooth liar that if he sticks to his story, I have no choice but to do nothing about it. Pardon the tmi for a minute, but this man has gotten great sex, very frequently, for thirteen years, because I have tried to give him everything that was important to him. He's getting virtually nothing now, because it makes me feel cheap and used to sleep with a man who lies to my face. If I tell him that, he'll just convince himself his lying isn't really so bad, and that it's okay because he had a reason (don't they all), and I have no doubt it's a matter of time before he finds himself another cute 'friend,' and tells himself it's really my fault because I'm not meeting his needs. I found a counselor, highly recommended by an al-anon member, who specializes in alcoholic family issues and marriage. However, he doesn't take our insurance. I just can't see this working out. It's a shame, because I think he actually loves me. But he grew up in an alcoholic home, and although (thankfully) he's not a drinker himself, his sense of reality seems to be totally skewed. I don't see how it's possible to keep living like this.
Jane Doe Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I don't think a marriage can survive with absolutely no trust. You're absolutely right. From your post here, it sounds like you can't believe one word he says -- and for good reason! Can make it on your own financially? If not, you need to develop a plan ASAP. His continued lies and deceptions spanning years says he's definitely not keeper.
Chapter2 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 EOTR, what is your quality of life? When you think about your marriage on a scale from 1-100, what number would you give yourself when it comes to peace of mind, self worth, honesty, etc.? He sounds toxic and unrepentant. Forgive me for judging him so harshly as I know its one thing for us to judge our relationships and quite another for someone else to do it. But, it doesn't sound like he cares very much how it affects you when he appears dishonest. From what you've stated, he's not showing up emotionally to help you with the trust issues he brought into the marriage. I applaud your decision for counseling and al-anon. Al-anon is EXCELLENT even if you don't have familial alcohol issues. It really helps with co-dependence issues that seem to make, at least me, put up with things I shouldn't in my own life. The effects of growing up in an alcoholic home even if you don't drink shape everything about a person. The wreckage is horrific. You are right to expect more for yourself in your marriage. I'm sure he does love you and he's probably sick inside for what he knows HE has done in your marriage. But those things alone with no action behind them don't heal the relationship. As far as a marriage not being able to survive without trust...I have no idea. My thought is that there is no way that it can but it seems people do it all the time for years upon years. It seems "survive" is a very fluid term that means different things to different people. Not being able to trust one of the most important people in your life leaves you feeling continually betrayed and disrespected because that, in fact, is what he's doing. In my opinion, you are making great decisions about getting your own help though and I wish you the best. You are worth more than continually being lied to. Everyone is. Take care of YOURSELF.
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