Guest Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I found out that my husband was cheating on me a few months ago...For the sake of my two children i decided to forgive his past and try and work things out. When i had checked the phone records i felt like a complete fool..I pay all the bills and here i didnt even notice. They called each other an unbelieveable amount of times throughout the day and night. If they werent calling they were texting. I even found out they texted each other when he was at work, during family functions you name it. I had suspected my husband before of cheating but never had proof. I asked to see a picture of her, he wouldn't give me one. He confessed he deleted them. As much as i screamed and cried he defended her. I asked him if he loved her and he just looked at me. I knew he did. I could just see it. He asked if i wanted him to leave but i refused and said we need to be parents and work out the marriage for them. I try and put her out of my mind but it is very hard. To this day i continue to check our cellphone records to see if he is making any calls i dont know about or texts anyone. I DONT TRUST HIM.... I want to believe that he has been honest with me and broken contact with her..But i'm not sure. I havent left him alone since this happen. I watch everything he does...If it was just for sex i think i could have gotten over it better. BUT I can see he is in love with her. I swear i can see he misses her. How can i be sure he still isnt in contact with her? Their affair was going on for 9 months...Did i make a mistake keeping him here for the kids? I confronted him once and said i know your not here for me but for our two children. I asked him not to answer because i could not bear to hear his answer. Any advice?
outofdarkness Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I found out that my husband was cheating on me a few months ago...For the sake of my two children i decided to forgive his past and try and work things out. When i had checked the phone records i felt like a complete fool..I pay all the bills and here i didnt even notice. They called each other an unbelieveable amount of times throughout the day and night. If they werent calling they were texting. I even found out they texted each other when he was at work, during family functions you name it. I had suspected my husband before of cheating but never had proof. I asked to see a picture of her, he wouldn't give me one. He confessed he deleted them. As much as i screamed and cried he defended her. I asked him if he loved her and he just looked at me. I knew he did. I could just see it. He asked if i wanted him to leave but i refused and said we need to be parents and work out the marriage for them. I try and put her out of my mind but it is very hard. To this day i continue to check our cellphone records to see if he is making any calls i dont know about or texts anyone. I DONT TRUST HIM.... I want to believe that he has been honest with me and broken contact with her..But i'm not sure. I havent left him alone since this happen. I watch everything he does...If it was just for sex i think i could have gotten over it better. BUT I can see he is in love with her. I swear i can see he misses her. How can i be sure he still isnt in contact with her? Their affair was going on for 9 months...Did i make a mistake keeping him here for the kids? I confronted him once and said i know your not here for me but for our two children. I asked him not to answer because i could not bear to hear his answer. Any advice? I went through the same thing, but my H answered definatively NO that he did NOT love her...Just about the , he said...that was 2 years ago, and there were others too..I still check everything too and I still have days when I wonder whether or not he is telling me the truth about staying b/c her loves me rather then out of guilt and family obligations... I would be leery that he will not answer you at all to these questions. In my opinion, these are red flags that there may be feelings involved...Whether or not it's being in love, I don't know, but if he really wanted to make things work out w/ you and the kids, he'd be pretty up front, whiney and begging...As far as contact with her...I would bet that he still contacts her...Since you know of the calls on his cell...etc...He is probrably VERY careful now...He could use a phone card, prepaid phone, ect...My H also texted back and fourth and yes, at work too. The OWs even called his work #..and yes, the calls were very numerous and obsessive. There were calls and texts during holidays, work days, birthdays, weddings, etc...I was so amazed...I don't know how the man got any work done, or functioned as far as work goes...In my opinion, Affairs are selfish, obsessive, secretive and deceptive...At first, for most people, I think it is very obsessive b/c it's new and exciting...At least that is what I've gotten from reading many posts... Of course you should not trust him!!! He confessed...You need to lay down the law and give him some ultimatums...If he truly does not want to be there and is in love with the OW...then tell him to go...You are worth more then to be with someone who does not want to be with you... I will tell you the same thing that many others have told me and I believe it to be true...If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way...It doesn't matter if you think you're w/ them 24/7...They WILL find a way...It's up to him now to decided what he wants...and if you choose to stay, he wil need to spend much time rebuilding the trust, and it will be painful for you... Good luck and God Bless.. PS..Is the ONLY reason that you stayed b/c of the kids? Do you love him?
Guest Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I went through the same thing, but my H answered definatively NO that he did NOT love her...Just about the , he said...that was 2 years ago, and there were others too..I still check everything too and I still have days when I wonder whether or not he is telling me the truth about staying b/c her loves me rather then out of guilt and family obligations... I would be leery that he will not answer you at all to these questions. In my opinion, these are red flags that there may be feelings involved...Whether or not it's being in love, I don't know, but if he really wanted to make things work out w/ you and the kids, he'd be pretty up front, whiney and begging...As far as contact with her...I would bet that he still contacts her...Since you know of the calls on his cell...etc...He is probrably VERY careful now...He could use a phone card, prepaid phone, ect...My H also texted back and fourth and yes, at work too. The OWs even called his work #..and yes, the calls were very numerous and obsessive. There were calls and texts during holidays, work days, birthdays, weddings, etc...I was so amazed...I don't know how the man got any work done, or functioned as far as work goes...In my opinion, Affairs are selfish, obsessive, secretive and deceptive...At first, for most people, I think it is very obsessive b/c it's new and exciting...At least that is what I've gotten from reading many posts... Of course you should not trust him!!! He confessed...You need to lay down the law and give him some ultimatums...If he truly does not want to be there and is in love with the OW...then tell him to go...You are worth more then to be with someone who does not want to be with you... I will tell you the same thing that many others have told me and I believe it to be true...If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way...It doesn't matter if you think you're w/ them 24/7...They WILL find a way...It's up to him now to decided what he wants...and if you choose to stay, he wil need to spend much time rebuilding the trust, and it will be painful for you... Good luck and God Bless.. PS..Is the ONLY reason that you stayed b/c of the kids? Do you love him? We got married when i was very young...I dont know anything but him...Its for my kids i want this to work. Thats what i told him..I do care for him very much...And i believe cares for me also...After our son was born we seriously considered divorcing..We then decided to make a go of it for our son. Later we had our daughter. Like i said i know there have been other women. But this one was different. HE DEFENDS HER...I will call her names and he tells me to stop talking about her like that. When i found out i called her, all he was worried about was her and how i was talking to her. I know she has called his work and blocked her number from the cell. I asked and he admitted to it, but told me he didnt answer so he cant be sure it was her. When i told him i was going to have his cell number changed if i saw another blocked call. the calls stopped. I have no clue what she looks like or where she lives exactly he wouldnt tell me...
outofdarkness Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 We got married when i was very young...I dont know anything but him...Its for my kids i want this to work. Thats what i told him..I do care for him very much...And i believe cares for me also...After our son was born we seriously considered divorcing..We then decided to make a go of it for our son. Later we had our daughter. Like i said i know there have been other women. But this one was different. HE DEFENDS HER...I will call her names and he tells me to stop talking about her like that. When i found out i called her, all he was worried about was her and how i was talking to her. I know she has called his work and blocked her number from the cell. I asked and he admitted to it, but told me he didnt answer so he cant be sure it was her. When i told him i was going to have his cell number changed if i saw another blocked call. the calls stopped. I have no clue what she looks like or where she lives exactly he wouldnt tell me... My H is the only M that I have ever known too. We started dating when we were in high school, continued through college/grad school and married in early 20's. I have never been with anyone else...My H didn't exactly come right out and "defend" the main OW, but rather he just didn't say anything during my angry period when I railed on her...I considered THIS to be an insult...b/c if he was telling me the truth about only being w/ her for the sex, why would he not talk about her like trash...He just stayed quiet...a big tipoff that there WERE feelings involved and he did indeed miss her...I mean, how can you be with someone for 10 years and not feel "something"..I found it to be creepy that he said he did NOT have feelings for her...I would rather not be married to a sociopath...Turns out, he just wanted to "spare" my feelings...He never did openly talk to me about his feelings towards her or any of the other Ws...He DID deal with it in indiv. C...Apparently successfully b/c he seems at peace with it now... I don't have any clue as to what the OWs in our lives look like either, not even the 10 year one..She knows me, apparently has spoken briefly to me and used to see me regularly, but I would not know her from Adam...The condo that my H bought her 10 years ago was in a high rise across the street from where our kids and I grocery shopped, had lunch, etc..and right around the block from where our kids were in school. He even, at one point went to MC back when the affair first started 10 years ago, in a building that shares a parking lot with her condo building. We went b/c things had suddently gotten so noncommunicative and tense..I had NO idea what was going on...We went, things got better, then worst again, better, then worst again, and so on...But I did trust him 100 percent and never guessed that he was cheating...Apparently, everyone else in our gossipy little community knew but me. He was heavily in the whole AOL scene at that time; early 90's and I had no idea about that either. We had two babies at the time 11 months apart...I was WAY too busy to be putting around on the comp...I don't even know that we HAD a comp at that time...I think he was doing it at work...before companies got strict about that sort of thing... Most of the information that I got from her, except to see her in person, came from either a "friend" of her's in the form of a letter in the mail, and then in turn, she herself...After I got up the nerve to call the number that I subsequently found in our cell logs after the letter writer suggested that I would find it there...My H very reluctantly gave up info re: the main OW and others after he had NO choice and I had the info in black and white...He confessed to most everything, but did spare me the intimate gory details..I pushed for more and more, but am so glad now that he did not relent and tell me all of those details. I got enough to cause paranoia and heartbreak for a lifetime...It does fade and become easier to deal w/ in time, but still some days, I feel very hurt and sad...That all took place over 2 years ago, and I have come a LONG way...I have to be reminded by my C just HOW far I've come, but in looking back, I really have. At one point, I did not even get out of bed to fix meals, etc...My family was there for me and helped with the kids, I know that I would not have made it to the point I am today without the support of family and friends...And God... I still worry that I may be face to face with the main OW or another and not know it or that mabey our teenage son will unwittingly start to chat on myspace or aol with one of the ow's, my imagination runs wild...but I can now calm myself and move on with my day...It's taken 2 years, but I am making much progress. When the kids are finished with school in few years, I have already told my H that I have no intention of staying in this area/ town...I am ready to leave NOW, but would not uproot our kids for anything after what they've been through...They do know of my H's A's; b/c we were separated twice during this process and it broke their hearts...Sorry to ramble...Good luck and God Bless!
Chapter2 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Do you want to hear from any OW on this topic? I am asking respectfully as I do not wish to cause you additional pain. I just thought your post sounded achingly familiar and I am the former OW in what sounds like an identical situation to what mine was. I will wait to post any further reply until hearing from you. Take care of YOU first. I found out that my husband was cheating on me a few months ago...For the sake of my two children i decided to forgive his past and try and work things out. When i had checked the phone records i felt like a complete fool..I pay all the bills and here i didnt even notice. They called each other an unbelieveable amount of times throughout the day and night. If they werent calling they were texting. I even found out they texted each other when he was at work, during family functions you name it. I had suspected my husband before of cheating but never had proof. I asked to see a picture of her, he wouldn't give me one. He confessed he deleted them. As much as i screamed and cried he defended her. I asked him if he loved her and he just looked at me. I knew he did. I could just see it. He asked if i wanted him to leave but i refused and said we need to be parents and work out the marriage for them. I try and put her out of my mind but it is very hard. To this day i continue to check our cellphone records to see if he is making any calls i dont know about or texts anyone. I DONT TRUST HIM.... I want to believe that he has been honest with me and broken contact with her..But i'm not sure. I havent left him alone since this happen. I watch everything he does...If it was just for sex i think i could have gotten over it better. BUT I can see he is in love with her. I swear i can see he misses her. How can i be sure he still isnt in contact with her? Their affair was going on for 9 months...Did i make a mistake keeping him here for the kids? I confronted him once and said i know your not here for me but for our two children. I asked him not to answer because i could not bear to hear his answer. Any advice?
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Do you want to hear from any OW on this topic? I am asking respectfully as I do not wish to cause you additional pain. I just thought your post sounded achingly familiar and I am the former OW in what sounds like an identical situation to what mine was. I will wait to post any further reply until hearing from you. Take care of YOU first. yes i would..I cant hear it from her. So any information would be helpful...I guess the answer i'm looking for is if he does love her will or did he ever get rid of her... I looked at him last night and said her name and i told him i know you miss her...He just looked at me and walked away..I thought she was much younger than him or i he did tell me she was 4 years younger then him. He will never speak negative of her. When i call her a whore he just looks at me and SHE ISNT A WHORE STOP SAYING THAT ABOUT HER. YOU DONT KNOW HER...
Freedom Now Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 As a former OW, I can tell you that what you have explained about your situation with your husband is incredibly, incredibly similiar to mine. As I read your post, I questioned whether you were my xMM's wife. But you are not. Your pain is incredible. And you have reason to take pause. If your MM is like mine (and almost word for word what you have told me parallels almost word for what what his situation is with his wife now), he is contacting her. Secretly and quietly, but contacting her. But, she may be like me. She may have walked away from HIM. And if that is so, he CANNOT contact her. Please, please take care of yourself. My heart truly goes out to you. Even though I represent the "OW" to you, I can only imagine the pain that you are enduring. Peace to you my friend.
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I am currently OW and i am on the other side of your exact situation. He says he can't leave her bc of the kids and that he loves me and can't live without me. He says he's doesn't want to be with her so he making her do the dirty work trying to make her mad so she leaves him. I love him more than anything he is my best friend we traveled together shopped together he spent the night with me frequently. why wouldn't i believe his lies? he said she didn't care about him or the marriage, if it wasn't true then y didn't she care that he never came home, that they did'nt have sex, he wouldn't say he loved her. So even though he has been back with her for a month we still talk and see each other every second we can. Part of me wants to tell him to stay with her and leave me alone but part of me believes he is my soul mate. I'm deeply sorry for the pain i caused her, I was her once.
Green Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Look just leave these guys your not doing your kids any favors by living in a state of misserey. They need their father and you should be kind with him and allow them to see eachother as much as possible but maybe you need a divorce this isnt a way to live life, its to short there are people out there who you can be happy with and still save your children. If your children have a mother who is always sad and always paranoid and in a relationship with out love your dooming them.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 If you love him and want this marriage to work - Give him time to grieve the OW. I know it's painful for you, to see him and know that he loved another woman other than you. Do what you feel is right for you and your kids. If your husband is willing to go to marriage counselling and be with you - Then give him another chance. If you feel you can't get past it and he really wants to be with the OW, then think about separating or getting a divorce. Just don't stay with him for the sake of hanging on. Does he tell you he loves you? And that he regrets being with the OW?
kimmillah Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I understand that it's tough to begin to trust again, but it is necessary to make the choice to trust or else everything you are trying to do will be compromised. I had to stop checking the message boards and phone records, etc. God knows it was extremely difficult to do that. If he sees that you are not at least trying to trust him, he will begin to become resentful if he is really being faithful. If you continue to look for him to do wrong, you will eventually find it. Whether its a phone call, text message, or if he doesn't have sex with you or something. You will blame it all on the A. Children are not the reason to stay together either. If you have a miserable marriage without trust, children can sense that and they will be affected. I wish you the best and I hope that you can trust again. That is the key, trust and forgiveness. At least it was for me.
Freedom Now Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Yes, but trust must be EARNED. He has lost her trust, and with good reason. He needs to get her trust back. It isn't her job to do that. It is HIS.
Guest Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 If you love him and want this marriage to work - Give him time to grieve the OW. I know it's painful for you, to see him and know that he loved another woman other than you. Do what you feel is right for you and your kids. If your husband is willing to go to marriage counselling and be with you - Then give him another chance. If you feel you can't get past it and he really wants to be with the OW, then think about separating or getting a divorce. Just don't stay with him for the sake of hanging on. Does he tell you he loves you? And that he regrets being with the OW? No he hasnt told me he loves ME..He has told me he loves HIS FAMILY...I dont know if you can consider that the same. I do know he has told her HE loves her and she has said it to him. And no his has never said he regrets being with her...Like i said before he has and does defend her or saying nothing at all. When i did look at the cell bill and times he called her or she called him and found out the we're during dome family times. I punched him and all he did was look at the floor. I never heard sorry. Like i have said before i have called her some horrible names and all he has said was not to talk about her at all. And i dont know her, so stop. Our family and friends dont know anything. I dont want anyone to know out of embrassment.
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Oh, I am so, so sorry. There are no words that I can write to make you feel better. You need to find someone to talk to. It isn't healthy to keep this all inside. Perhaps a counselor or a trusted friend? We are here for you. Know that. My peace to you.
Jane Doe Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 It doesn't sound to me like he's remorseful at all; only sorry he got caught. His constant defending of her is a big clue. You're a good woman to hang on like you're doing. I don't think I could.
Guest Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 It doesn't sound to me like he's remorseful at all; only sorry he got caught. His constant defending of her is a big clue. You're a good woman to hang on like you're doing. I don't think I could. I'm doing it for my KIDS...I try not to mention HER. I just wish i knew if SHE was still around. Doesnt anyone think that if he had no intentions of staying in contact with her that he would allow me to know what she looks like or would talk negative about her. Why protect her? When i first found out i yelled " Let me guess FAKE BOOBS and BLOND HAIR". He looked at me and said " No they are real and she has brown hair"...What an answer.
Seen_It_All Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Guest, I understand you want to hold on any way you can, but when is enough enough? Asking a man to stay with you simply for the children is degrading to you. It's hurtful, degrading, and not one bit healthy for anyone involved. It's extremely clear that the only thing he's sorry about is that he got caught. There is no remorse whatsoever and that's because he feels this thing was out of his control and not ended by him. It doesn't sound like it's over at all. You'll continue to drive yourself nuts constantly asking about her and spying on him. What's the point? He's as much as SAID to you that he won't answer your questions nor will he allow you to speak badly of her in any way. You've got your answer. Stop hanging onto someone who clearly doesn't wish to be in this marriage. You're doing damage to YOURSELF. I couldn't care less about HIM, trust me. But hanging onto him and then constantly questioning him and spying on him isn't getting you ANYWHERE. Boot his a*ss out the door and let him have his fantasy life. Soon enough, he'll realize that his oh-so-perfect love wasn't all it was cracked up to be. As long as you continue to allow him to stay in the house and allow him to disrespect you by showing HER more favor, you're simply making the situation worse. I'm not a big fan of MarriageBuilders.com, but you seriously need to consider doing their "Plan B" which means totally shutting him OUT of your life.
Jane Doe Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 I'm doing it for my KIDS...I try not to mention HER. I just wish i knew if SHE was still around. You're doing your kids no favors. They'll easily pick up on the tension and will ultimately turn it all inwards, wondering what they did wrong to cause all these problems. Doesnt anyone think that if he had no intentions of staying in contact with her that he would allow me to know what she looks like or would talk negative about her. Please understand this. He will continue seeing her. You can count on it. Why protect her? Because her and the affair is obviously more important than loving his respecting you. When i first found out i yelled " Let me guess FAKE BOOBS and BLOND HAIR". He looked at me and said " No they are real and she has brown hair"...What an answer. Again, he's defending her. He's shown you where you rank, and it's not very high. For the sake of your sanity, the mental health of your children, and your self-respect, kick him to the curb. He's not sorry he had an affair and it will continue.
jmargel Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Be honest with yourself. IMO you are just not doing "this" for the kids. Like you said in your other post he's the only person you know. The definition of insanity is expecting different results while doing the same thing over & over again. So as long as you keep holding onto his pant legs he'll keep walking away from you. Do you really want to play detective all of your life to make sure he's not in contact with her, also knowing that he does love her & wants to be with her? What you need here is some tough love. Open up the cage door, let him go. Tell him if he wants to do this, that's his decision but he's not coming back. If he decides to goto her then you know this was going to be the final outcome anyway and you just saved yourself years of holding onto this guy. If he decides to stay then you make the ultimatium that marriage counseling is in order. No matter what, if he doesn't WANT to be with you, nothing you say or do will keep him there. Check out my link in my signature, it might shed some light on things. Start doing things for yourself & your children. Don't based your own self-worth on this man. What are you getting out of this marriage?
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Be honest with yourself. IMO you are just not doing "this" for the kids. Like you said in your other post he's the only person you know. The definition of insanity is expecting different results while doing the same thing over & over again. So as long as you keep holding onto his pant legs he'll keep walking away from you. Do you really want to play detective all of your life to make sure he's not in contact with her, also knowing that he does love her & wants to be with her? What you need here is some tough love. Open up the cage door, let him go. Tell him if he wants to do this, that's his decision but he's not coming back. If he decides to goto her then you know this was going to be the final outcome anyway and you just saved yourself years of holding onto this guy. If he decides to stay then you make the ultimatium that marriage counseling is in order. No matter what, if he doesn't WANT to be with you, nothing you say or do will keep him there. Check out my link in my signature, it might shed some light on things. Start doing things for yourself & your children. Don't based your own self-worth on this man. What are you getting out of this marriage? As far as asking for him to leave..When this all came out he actually asked me if i wanted him to leave. I told him i didnt know but i didnt want him going to her. Asked over and over again. And it was me who told him to a stay. That i wanted to work it out for the kids. As far as marriage counseling I dont want to go. I did nothing wrong. He did all this. He found her, he chose to make time for her. I also dont want any family or friends knowing about the affair. If things do workout i dont want anyone looking at me as a fool or looking at my family differently. I guess SHE will never be out of the picture for me. And if He is still in contact with her. Sooner or later i will find out again. And I will do what i told him. I did tell him that if this happens again HE is out and I will never allow him back. So SHE can have him. They can have eachother if they are continuing and want eachother that bad.
jmargel Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 As far as asking for him to leave..When this all came out he actually asked me if i wanted him to leave. I told him i didnt know but i didnt want him going to her. Asked over and over again. And it was me who told him to a stay. That i wanted to work it out for the kids. As far as marriage counseling I dont want to go. I did nothing wrong. He did all this. He found her, he chose to make time for her. I also dont want any family or friends knowing about the affair. If things do workout i dont want anyone looking at me as a fool or looking at my family differently. I guess SHE will never be out of the picture for me. And if He is still in contact with her. Sooner or later i will find out again. And I will do what i told him. I did tell him that if this happens again HE is out and I will never allow him back. So SHE can have him. They can have eachother if they are continuing and want eachother that bad. You are in the anger stage & every right to be. This is NO excuse for his cheating. However cheating is often the end result of major problems in a marriage. IMO in most marriages a spouse doesn't cheat just for the heck of it. Marriage counseling is not to point blame at anyone. It's to help you both understand & communicate with each other. If you are only keeping him there for the sake of the children then IMO you are teaching your children it's ok to cheat & lie and still not face any consequences for their actions. Sure you can yell or try to make his life hell, but he'll just fall back to the OW. You in a sense will now have another child (him) to deal with. If you seek MC, no one has to know. Everyone does it, it's not a taboo thing. MC is also the way to find out what is really going on and why this marriage has broken down. You would probably agree that you had problems way before you found out his cheating, correct?
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 You are in the anger stage & every right to be. This is NO excuse for his cheating. However cheating is often the end result of major problems in a marriage. IMO in most marriages a spouse doesn't cheat just for the heck of it. Marriage counseling is not to point blame at anyone. It's to help you both understand & communicate with each other. If you are only keeping him there for the sake of the children then IMO you are teaching your children it's ok to cheat & lie and still not face any consequences for their actions. Sure you can yell or try to make his life hell, but he'll just fall back to the OW. You in a sense will now have another child (him) to deal with. If you seek MC, no one has to know. Everyone does it, it's not a taboo thing. MC is also the way to find out what is really going on and why this marriage has broken down. You would probably agree that you had problems way before you found out his cheating, correct? We have problems. Doesnt everyone who is married? What problems could lead to cheating? I think he is an ass , but is a great father. Him and HER have argued that's one of the ways I FOUND OUT. They were arguing then left eachother an I'm SORRY I LOVE YOU text message. I just want my kids to grow up happy and healthy. I wish i knew what to look for to know if she was around still
reneet Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 As far as asking for him to leave..When this all came out he actually asked me if i wanted him to leave. I told him i didnt know but i didnt want him going to her. Asked over and over again. And it was me who told him to a stay. That i wanted to work it out for the kids. As far as marriage counseling I dont want to go. I did nothing wrong. He did all this. He found her, he chose to make time for her. I also dont want any family or friends knowing about the affair. If things do workout i dont want anyone looking at me as a fool or looking at my family differently. I guess SHE will never be out of the picture for me. And if He is still in contact with her. Sooner or later i will find out again. And I will do what i told him. I did tell him that if this happens again HE is out and I will never allow him back. So SHE can have him. They can have eachother if they are continuing and want eachother that bad. Why on earth would you want to keep him? Just for the children? You will be miserable, he will be miserable & the kids will be miserable.
2sunny Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 In answer to you original question... is he still in contact with her? The obvious answer is YES... As a betrayed spouse, if he is going to these lengths to protect her - without any remorse for his actions, then yes! He is ONLY sorry he got caught - and will do it over and over... he will just try to be more careful now! He is making NO effort to make your marriage better for you. He is making no effort to fix your hurt feelings! That is very hurtful in itself when this man is supposed to love YOU more than anyone else on the face of the earth! HE has betrayed YOU! I would leave if I were you - oh ya, I have been you.... I speak from experience...
yousaveme Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 IF YOU KNOW HE LOVES HER AND MISSES Her then let him go. Let him be happy. You will move on. You will find happiest with someone else. Let him be a father to his kids. Be there for your children. Your holding on for control. I dont know what you think you are doing by holding on. If he loves her he wont stop wanting to be with her. If he misses her HE will find a way to be with her. If she loves him she wont let go. If she misses him she will wait for him to be with her. There are more problems in your marriage then him cheating. If there wasnt he wouldnt have cheated. And you wouldnt think he is still with her. You dont want to go to MC because i dont think you do want the marriage to work. IMO i think you want him there to pay the bills and so you dont look bad in the eyes of your friends and family.
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