rina_r Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 My mother was born in a different country. We both went through tough marriages in lives. Right now i am dating a wonderful guy. And she is just awful... First, she thinks he has to pay for me all the way and i cannot/must not spend a single dollar on him because according to her he will get used to me paying and will use me for money all life long.I told her not to get involved but she says it every time we talk. Then, she discriminates people. I never knew it until..i married my ex-husband who was of a different race. How much racists crap i heard! Now, when i told her my b/f's sister is bisexual...i heard a bunch of crap why some people cant be normal (straight). I am tired of it. I am upset to the point that i am crying now. I dont know how to make her shut up. And every time i disagree she says i am being rude to her. I cannot completely quit talking to me, she is practically all family i have and i know she needs help. And we DID have a good relationship until recent.
Cheshire Cat Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Is there any way you can ask her to please just do not discuss certain topics? Sentences such as "this guy is making me happy, in case I am wrong I'll hopefully learn from my mistakes" migth shut some parents up. Just some, though. I cannot completely quit talking to me, she is practically all family i have and i know she needs help. And we DID have a good relationship until recent. What if she is just worried that you'll eventually forget about her and she'll be completely on her own? In this case reassuring her that she'll still be important in your life might be helpful.
Author rina_r Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 hahaha, when i say i dont want to discuss something - she does not hear it. She will keep on discussing it anyway. And as far as forgetting about her - she needs to learn how to communicate it, rather than try to be a "specialist" in relationships (which she is not).
kulyok Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Well, she has traditional views: she thinks people of the same race should marry each other, a boy has to pay for the girl, "straight" is right and "gay" or "bi" is wrong. I don't see anything really "out of line" with it: both my grandmothers are like that, and many older people are, really. They are just not so vocal about it in public, due to political correctness and laws, so the only people they can talk about it with are their family. I'd simply nod and smile until she runs out of breath and then talk about something else. First ten times, it's going to be difficult, and then all of a sudden it's very easy.
Cheshire Cat Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 hahaha, when i say i dont want to discuss something - she does not hear it. She will keep on discussing it anyway. I'd consider leaving, or pretending you are not listening (or that you are completely unaffected by her words) until she starts talking about a different topic. She will be upset, but I guess it's the nicest way you can deal with someone who will keep talking about certain topics also when specifically asked not to. And as far as forgetting about her - she needs to learn how to communicate it, rather than try to be a "specialist" in relationships (which she is not). If this really were her main cause of concern, it would probably take a stronger person than she is to tell you such a thing honestly. Perhaps the reason why she acts this way is extremely simple: she'd hate to see you go through a bad marriage again. Perhaps either of you was, or felt, taken advantage of by a man and it left her so scarred that she is spotting red flags even where there are none? Did she make racist comments about your ex only when things started not to go well with him? Perhaps she needs to see you happy with her own eyes, and for a long time, to accept the fact that your bf actually is a nice guy.
Author rina_r Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 That's what i do - i hang up the phone. I dont have time or patience to listen to all this crap. No, racists remarks came way before my ex started being mean to me. And she always said : oh no, it is no that i dont like his race, i dont like him. Well, damn, then say so, but dont mention racists names! As far as bad marriages, she needs to deal with her own life better. We had pretty much same experiences but i am over it, and she seems not. The mistakes she made in her 50s, i made in my 20s, so i think i have good chances of survival. What i really think - she needs to see a counselor to help her become a happier person. I told her that -but of course she disregards it.
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