Still not paying me child maintenance

[emmaUK]

i have a 2 and half year old daughter.

i was with her father for about 2 and half years.... it had been a very rocky relationship and we had the added stress of his mum dying of cancer during the relationship and we were living with her caring for her (didnt have a life at all.. stayed in 24/7 so that we could care for her).

he used to argue alot and he would often go away for a day or 2 and i would just be sitting at home going out of my mind not knowing where he was and when he would come back.... it gave him the full control coz he knew that i had moved to his area away from everyone i know, given up my flat and even left a high payed job to be with him..... so id just be sitting in with no friends around or no money to do anything until he decided to come home.

 

i eventually fell pregnant and he was lovely to me when he found out for a bout 3 weeks but then he turned really nasty and started to tell me i was a lazy cow (all i wanted 2 do was sleep). he was still going out n getting mashed n stuff and he told me one day "dont think my life is gonna change just coz you are pregnant". the day i decided to leave was the day we had a row and he kicked me and just missed my stomach n then went beserk throwing things and repeatedly slamming my arm in the door so it was bruised all over. next day he smashed my phone against the wall (my only form of contact with anyone) stole £20 from the place i used to keep my money and went out again all day.

i decided that i had to get out. so i arranged to go and live in a mum and baby refuge close to where my mum lives (about an hour and a bit drive away from baby dad). i was 3 months pregnant.

we decided that we werent gonna split up but we would just live apart for a while and we would start dating again and take things slow.

that was until i received a text on my phone that was meant for another girl it said "i dont rate myself, im a nice bloke once u get to know me if yuo give me that chance. xxx"

i flipped and rang him.... he still swears to this day that the girl was just a friend (yea right) but as soon as i got that .. i knew he was playing away so i ended it.

 

anyway after that he rarely contacted me thru my pregnany and i was left to rot in this horrible refuge with horrible people who used to smoke, bring men in the refuge, play very loud music etc. i was often to scrared to come out of my bedroom. he knew how bad things were becuase id phone him crying. ther were times i couldnt even afford to eat but i was basically just left to it. i think i saw him 2 or 3 times during pregnancy.

 

anyway 2 months after i had moved out he had a new girlfriend. he is still with the same girl now, they been together about 2 and half years and i found out from her that the text i received on the phone that day wsa meant for her and she had met him 2 days after i had moved my things out. he also lied to her and told her that he wasnt with my any more when he first met her. also he told her the whole way through the pregnancy up untill my daughter wsa 3 days old that the baby might not even be his (he knew full well i had only been with him).

twice... he tried to get back together with me and totaly messed my head up... but he refused to finish with his GF and just expected me to hang around waiting till he was ready to finish with her - that was once when i was 7 months preg and once when my daughter had just been born.

 

anyway after my daughter was born he started to show a little more interest but was also bugging me to let his GF meet my daughter. i felt liek another woman was getting in on my child and i used to cry so much about it. he knew i was hormonal and vunerable coz of what i had been thru and the fact is just givern birth n he used it to his advantage.

eventually after him putting guilt trips on me that his GF thought i hated her.. i gave in and let her meet my daughter when my daughter was 8 weeks old. i let her into my home to meet my child even thoguh the pair of them made me feel sick. then he had the cheek to text me and say i didnt try and talk to her enough or make her feel welcome.

 

anyway to cut a very long story short..... i have jsut put up with all this crap and i wish from that day i got that text on my phone i had cut all contact 4eva.

he has gone thru periods of not bothering with my daughter (longest was 7months) but now he sees her about once every 2-4 weeks. after ages of them asking ... i finally gave in 2 weeks ago and let my daughter stay at their house over nite. it was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.

i just think... he treatd me like ****, left me to rot, went off with some skinny 17 year old and he stil gets rewarded by getting to spent time with my beautiful daughter.

 

now the point of the story is this..... he still has not paid me any money towards my daughter yet.... he jsut sais he cant afford to... he works 6 days a week but all the money he has goes into paying off the 3 thousand pounds that he owes his GF's parent and the costs of living. he sais he really cant afford to give me a penny. it winds me up when i know he has brought things for himself and i have suspicions that he got them with his own money but he always sais his GF has got it for him. even jsut little things like take aways .... i think.. that coulda gone on nappies.

i rekon most other women would tel him he aint seeing his daughter until he starts paying money.... but i am to soft and feel bad becuase my daughter loves spending time with him... if only she knew how he treated me. but he is sickly nice n sweet to my daughter

 

i have mentiond it a few times.... he knows i am skint and he knows that my current BF has helped me out with money for nappies and bills and stuff even though its not really his job to be giving me money for that.

i wrote him a letter tellin him that it was unfair how he hasnt given me any money but he jus sais all the sob stories such as "it kills me not beign able to give you any money".

 

i know if i took things further.... like to court.... things would become very very uncomfortable between us (at the moment.. its bearable) and i really dont want all of that but im not sure how else i will get any money out of him... i mean it been 2 and half years and all i have had so far has been £15. oh and he got me some toilet paper the other day. thats been it.

 

what would you lot do in the same situation.... how would you get money out of someone that sais they dont have the money to give me???

 

half of me would love to cut all contact but the other knows i should let my daughter see her father and let her think that everything is rosey if he is showing her love and she loves him.

also i never ever get any freedom and im stuck in alone most nights apart from saturday nite and sunday when my current BF comes over .. i go out about once a month maximum and cutting all contact would mean i have even less chance of going out becuase id have one less babysitter.

 

HELP

 

THANKS

[littlekitty]

CSA darling, it's called the CSA.

 

Now we all know they are actually a useless bunch of tw*ts, however, even the threat of the CSA taking his money directly from his pay packet may well be enough to scare him into action.

 

If it isn't, then follow through and report him. God knows what service you'll get from the the CSA, but at least it's a start.

 

Yes it may well make things more awkward, but I would imagine it's awkward for you trying to find the money to manage. Besides which I don't give a flying feck who he owes money too, the child he produced comes first. Full stop. Everytime.

 

We all know that children need 2 parents for their best development. You daughter has 2, and it wouldn't be fair to cut him out of her life. No matter how much it pains you, you have to allow him to see her regularly and he should have her overnight. It's great that you are letting his happen, but please don't stop. Your daughters well being has to come before anything you feel. You have to be selfless for her sake.

 

Regarding contact, go to Court. As the mother (non working I presume?) you'll get all the legal aid you need. Your daughter needs regular, set contact with her father. The usual agreement is all weekend every other week. If that's not agreeable to you, come up with something that is.

 

You may well want to put together an idea and approach him first, rather than go the legal road. However, if he isn't willing to agree you can take him to court. It doesn't mean he'll obey the court order, but it might get him thinking about how important contact with her is.

 

I know you are afraid of losing out here. But if you never push for what you need, then you can't sit and moan about how nothing is changing. I know you're not - I'm just saying!! *Registered trade mark of Blind Otter*.

 

Doing nothing isn't getting you any where. You're going to have to take a risk to sort this out. I do understand your fears. My SO has a 2 yr old son, and I know how he sometimes didn't want to rock the boat for fear of the consequences. Unfortunately though in life that isn't always possible, and we soon learnt his ex's bark was worse than her bite.

 

Good luck, and keep your chin up!!

[emmaUK]

Well this is my problem. the CSA came round to visit me. i lied to the CSA when my daughter was first born. i said that i was petrified of him and i didnt ever see him any more.

 

i lied so that

 

1 - they wouldnt take him for every penny he has (i cared 4 sum reason)

2- i thought id get more money if we did it not through them.

 

if they find out i have lied i will be in the s**t.... so i have kinda shot myself in the foot.

 

i feel i lied for him and risked getting myself in serious trouble so that he could give me what he could when he could. and he has just used that to get out of paying any money when i know that if i had told the truth he would be alot more skint then he is already.

 

ahhhhhhhhh

[Art_Critic]

i lied to the CSA when my daughter was first born. i said that i was petrified of him and i didnt ever see him any more.

i lied so that

 

1 - they wouldnt take him for every penny he has (i cared 4 sum reason)

2- i thought id get more money if we did it not through them.

 

Nice......

 

Remember that Karma is a biotch

 

What gives you the right to try and change the outcome by creating false facts ?

He sounds a bit like a dead beat Dad.... but that still doesn't mean that lying is the way to go

[emmaUK]

well when u have your first child and your head is all over the place and you have just spent a horrifying 6-7 months in refuge and been left to rot n didnt have a pot to piss in.... u will understand why i did it.

 

i just realyl wasnt thinking straight at the time. i was as hormonal as anything and jus wanted to do what i thought would be better for the baby at the time.

i didnt really start thinking straight till about 6-8 months later when by that time it was to late and i was scared of getting in seriosu trouble.

 

i had heard how bad the CSA are and how there are so many stories of people not getting their money so i jus didnt want to involve them and i felt sorry for my ex even thoguh he had treated me like **** and i thought it would benefit my baby if i wasnt straight up.

[emmaUK]

also... i was seeing a counsellor at the time and she told me not to involve the csa coz they are rubbish. so i guess that swayed my decision even more

[littlekitty]

A_C is right, Karma is a b*tch!

 

Anyway, there's still hope I would think. Circumstances change all the time, go back to them, explain that he has been in contact, that you have confidence that he has changed, and that he is spending some time with his daughter.

 

Otherwise, you're pretty much out of options other than to beg for his good will. But I doubt that's going to work! Clearly his priorities are different than they should be!!!

[hopeto]

first of all you really should be nice for the baby sake.. of course I said nice not get what you deserve. so you have his name on the birth decree of the baby?? does she carry his last name?? if so then what you need to do is get his information on where he lives, address phone etc and also any other information on him like birthdate ssn etc and take his a** TO COURT!!!!!! the judge will make him pay child support. if he has a job that taxes are taken out then it is listed with the goverment and they will garnish his wages if you pressed. if he is playing the daddy role and loves his daughter he will support her.

 

if not then let the goverment press him and he will have to support his daughter or be on the run all the time.you have to relize that you either want him to pay to help in the baby he helped make or make him get out!!!!! I commend you for having your baby and even so keeping her.. in most women they would just have an abortion and say humm oops. I really feel bad for you and I know you are struggling but rember she is everything that life is about and you have to be strong for her. always tell her the truth no matter how had and always be loving to the best you can be. keep her close and teach her from your mistakes so that in the future she may not do the same. waiting for the children till you are married and in a commited relationship is the key.

 

you can get help weather you think you can or not and I would not say anything about the courts cause if you did he would probly run so just let them serve him papers and he will get the hint. he tells you he has no money cause you except that and he know you do so dont except that any longer get the money you need to help raise your daughter!!!!

[hopeto]

Well this is my problem. the CSA came round to visit me. i lied to the CSA when my daughter was first born. i said that i was petrified of him and i didnt ever see him any more.

 

i lied so that

 

1 - they wouldnt take him for every penny he has (i cared 4 sum reason)

2- i thought id get more money if we did it not through them.

 

if they find out i have lied i will be in the s**t.... so i have kinda shot myself in the foot.

 

i feel i lied for him and risked getting myself in serious trouble so that he could give me what he could when he could. and he has just used that to get out of paying any money when i know that if i had told the truth he would be alot more skint then he is already.

 

ahhhhhhhhh

 

You were scared of what he would do to you at the time. that is what you tell them if that is asked. you simply say I was scared of what he would do to me, and that you are not scared anymore and you really need the help.!!! there is always was around it. you can also be truthful, I thought he would come around and take care of her but I guess I was wrong.

[hopeto]

well when u have your first child and your head is all over the place and you have just spent a horrifying 6-7 months in refuge and been left to rot n didnt have a pot to piss in.... u will understand why i did it.

 

i just realyl wasnt thinking straight at the time. i was as hormonal as anything and jus wanted to do what i thought would be better for the baby at the time.

i didnt really start thinking straight till about 6-8 months later when by that time it was to late and i was scared of getting in seriosu trouble.

 

i had heard how bad the CSA are and how there are so many stories of people not getting their money so i jus didnt want to involve them and i felt sorry for my ex even thoguh he had treated me like **** and i thought it would benefit my baby if i wasnt straight up.

 

why are you scared??? it is his kid right??? do you pay to take care of her??? I am sure you do so does that give him the right to just see her when he wants to push the gf and still get the goodies and not pay a price GIRL WAKE UP!!!!!! do what is right for you and the baby. call the csa whom ever they are, in tennessee we have the child support services for dads like him and we also have a support line stright to the goverment that if there are any taxes given they are garnished and given to the baby and you. in our state it is a struggle though staying on top of things but you know if you need it and deserve it for the baby then you will do something!!!!!!!