Alcoholism

[Guest]

Hi - I'm going to try to make this as short as possible but I need some advice, or maybe just affirmation of my feelings.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for four years. He's in the military so about two years of that is long-distance. We have a lot of problems and I don't know if they can be fixed. We fight a lot, I know that I'm always reading into things he says, and he thinks that I have to have everything go my way when I think the exact same thing about him. I feel like a kid with him and not in a good way. It wasn't always like this, but I don't know if we can get back to where were were.

 

The big issue at hand is that a week and a half ago he got drunk (common) and wanted to argue. I knew where it was going to go so I told him I would just talk to him in the morning (we live together). He wanted to talk right then and refused to let me go to bed. I sat on the couch and listened to his tirade for half an hour about ridiculous and irrational stuff.

 

He grew progressively meaner in an attempt to get me to talk. He made threats and finally he picked me up and told me he was throwing me outside the house. I struggled, hit him in the eye, and was tossed outside. My glasses had come off sometime during the struggle so I couldn't see ANYTHING outside. I'm blind as a bat, I had no shoes, no cell phone, no keys, was wearing skimpy PJ's and it was a stormy night around 4 in the morning.

 

Nothing like this had ever happened before. I banged on the door, tried to get him to open in. There was no answer and in response he turned the outside light off. I grew angrier and more determined to get in the house. I walked around the side of the house and threw a chair through the window (something I would never had ordinarily thought of doing but I felt a line had been crossed that night) and after realizing I couldn't get in without shoes walked back to the front door. He confronted me, said he was going to call the cops if he didn't get his key back, threw my cellphone and glasses outside the house, and slammed the door again. I told him that I would call the cops if he was going to just leave me out there. I started to but when he let me inside I turned the phone off. No one was coming because I hadn't gotten through to anyone.

 

Forty five minutes later, after I finished packing up some stuff I was walking out the door when he demanded the key. I told him I wouldn't give it to him because many of my belongings were still inside. He called the cops and they ended up arresting him because it's illegal to pick someone up and throw them outside of a house. He couldn't believe it and spent the next 12 hours in jail.

 

He sobered up, called me the next day, apologized, said he was an alcoholic (for the first time), said he was going to quit drinking and smoking, and didn't want to lose me. I said if he was willing to work on his problems I would stick with it. For a week we were relatively happy (he stayed at a friends house) even though he's a little depressed and worried about the court date. Then he came back home and started to sink into an even more solemn mood. The problem is that there is always something with him. A deployment, money, the way I do something, something he screws up, a job, etc. that I have to understand he is dealing with and just accept if he has issues. I'm starting to get sick of it. Maybe it is just all too much. He says that I'm this mean, evil, wicked person because of the things I say but I don't see what he means. I think he's just so sensitive and he's made me that way too. I never used to be insecure until I started to love him. I'm fed up.

 

Will this pass? What do you think?

[Age18Male]

I think you both need to talk. about EVERYTHING and how you feel. No screaming. Spill your guts.. tell him why your scared.. tell him next time that happens your leaving him. (the drunk issue)

[superfreak]

Oh, me, oh my.

You're not, perchance, a child of an alcoholic are you?

 

At any rate, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but if you'd like to look into it on your own, there's this place called Al Anon where people who end up in relationships with either self-proclaimed or obviously alchoholic/drug-addicted folk can get help for that sort of thing. This is the part where I dodge chairs and silverware, saying, "YES! The other side needs help, too!"

 

At any rate, your guy sounds volatile and dangerous, and at the very least abusive. Perhaps not in the way of Lifetime movies, where you are scared for your life and such (well, maybe that TOO in time), but most certainly in the ways where you are afraid of damage to your psyche.

 

That sort of damage lasts longer than physical violence, in my opinion; the physical heals while the emotional festers.

 

My point is--and I'm determined to keep my posts as minimalistic as possible these days--that you don't have to put up with that kind of stuff. That is CRAZY, that is UNHEALTHY. Just the ONE exchange. And, I have a lot of experience with that sort of thing... Trust me on that one... Suicide threats, "If you don't come and get me right now I'm going to kill myself!" and then, when I show, "You're a b**ch who always puts me down, I'm never good enough for you, you cheat on me, dadda dadda dee," and all the drunken drama I could stand for a meager 9 months (after which he stalked me). Of course, right after is the apologies, and the "I love you," and the make-up sex, and the goodness and flowers and little gifts and attention; then, give or take a little while, it's back to the drunken arguments, drama, insults, bewilderment, and the cycle starts anew.

 

The guy may need some help, especially if HE THINKS HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. You may need some help as well, because being with an alcoholic is scarring and damaging, though that particular strain of damage is hardest to see because it doesn't come with such handy side effects as the stuff that drunk people do (i.e, relationship loss, DUIs, money problems, job problems, violence, abuse, weird drunk things, and the list goes on forever and ever). It's not up to me to tell you what you need, especially not based on a post on LoveShack. Frankly, in that kind of situation, it's not for anyone to tell you, in my humble opinion; it's something that needs to be assessed over time, and only dealt with when people are ready to deal with it. I could be dead wrong. It could just be a spat between a couple where there's alcohol involved; methinks not, but, hey, I've heard stranger things.

 

Good luck. I wish you well, and my heart goes out to you in a big way.

[amaysngrace]

He sounds like an abusive drunk to me as well. Careful here.

 

If you love him that's one thing. But you need to learn to disassociate yourself from his problems. His problems aren't your fault. They are his and his alone. They aren't your doing. They were there before you and will be there once you leave, if you choose to. Al Anon is a great place to start.

 

Most likely he is drinking to cover up a much deeper problem. That's why people drink to excess afterall.

 

If you feel drained from this relationship and feel it is no longer worth the effort you are putting into it, you owe it to yourself to walk away.

 

However, if you are unable to do so without feeling guilty because you haven't given it all you've got now that he's getting himself sober and getting help and whatnot, make sure you make yourself a priority here.

 

You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you. Please repeat this over and over again until it sinks in while working it out with him. And keep posting for support if it helps you as well. Best wishes.

[nicki]

Ditto what everyone said. There is some excellent wisdom in their responses.

 

I just want to add that alcoholics are many times coupled with people who have co-dependency issues. While people who are co-dependent are giving, loving people, they also take those qualities too far and allow their boundaries to be crossed.

 

That's why everyone is telling you to watch out for yourself. So protect yourself. It's extremely important that your consider your own perspective in this situation....and not to enable your boyfriend either.

 

It would be enabling him if you stay with him while he does NOTHING to take care of his problem.

 

If it were me - and I wanted to stay - I would tell him that as long as he is in a 12 step or other program, I will stick by him. That's your condition. If he doesn't do it, nothing will change. In fact, things will escalate. Maybe slowly, but they will.

 

Go to Al-anon. They will help YOU feel like YOU have control and power, too.

 

Please consider your options carefully. If you want to leave, then you can. If you want to stay, please make sure things change. Either way, you are a good person for taking care of yourself....and by taking care of yourself, you will make him be accountable for HIS OWN behavior.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

You said he was in the military and that you had been LD. Does that mean that he was deployed? If so, he needs to get help. The military has set up resources to assist people with problems resulting from deployment.