bettysue Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 For privacy reasons, I will call myself betty and my SO John. We met in late 2004. I am currently 21 in my last year of college and he is 29. John proposed to me in 2005. Well, recently I found out I am around 2 months pregnant. I found this out 2 weeks ago and he has been gunho on getting me to abort and raving mad ever since he found out. When I told John we should move up plans for marriage and my intent to keep the child, he left my home. Later he called me up and told me he was MARRIED!!!! and had two children of his own!!! I was so furious and upset, I hung up and have been crying nightly over this. I feel so betrayed. He is threatening me to abort telling me that I will be a single mother, he will not have anything to do with this child and I will not be able to prove it is his since he is not willing to be tested etc etc. While I am one for pro-choice and this does seem to curtail my plans a bit, I feel attatched to this child and even though it will be a tougher road, I feel I should keep this child. I am finishing college at the end of next year and feel I can possibly handle this. Though it does scare me to death to be a single mother as well. This decent human being whom I had so many hopes and plans with for the future turned into a monster. Apparently he told me later that the condom broke once but he didn't want to upset or scare me, so he never mentioned it figuring the possibility of pregnancy is probably minute. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point. I don't know what to do about this pregnancy. I don't know if I should inform the wife either. It really makes me raving mad and I feel like doing something to this man who took my heart and shattered it into a million pieces! Please some words of advice from other women who have been in similiar situations would be appreciated.
stillhere Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 OMG, i am so incredibly sorry for your pain. I can't understand how someone could do this. First of all, think of yourself and that baby. If having the child and raising it is something you want to do, then do it. I myself could never have an abortion. I believe it is the person's right, but i couldn't do it, that's just me. Do NOT let him force you to abort this child if you don't want to. He didn't take the proper precautions, and now he must live with it, whether he wants to or not. I'm against telling the W, but i might make an exception in this case. Where in the world was she when he was with you for 2 years and you didn't have a clue? Were they separated? Were there any red flags that you didn't notice before but now do? Wow, i'm just blown away. Don't force him to be a part of this child's life if you choose to have this baby. You don't want to subject an innocent child to the pain this man may cause later on down the road. I don't know what i would do in this situation, but i can understand that you are hurting. Your world has just been blown apart. Everything you knew and felt for 2 years was a lie. You need time to heal, but think of you first. Do your best to forget this scum bag. He doesn't deserve you.
Tony T Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I'm not a gal so pardon me. I am just wondering how you knew this guy so long and had absolutely no feeling whatsoever that something was wrong...that he was married with children? And how insane was he to propose to you and actually be engaged to you if he had no intention of leaving his wife? Now, with those questions asked (and you certainly don't have to answer), I hope you will strongly consider seeing an attorney for advice on child support matters. This man is absolutely obligated to pay, particularly when he withheld from you that fact that the condom broke. Your options may have been greater at that point. Don't be shy about doing this. Raising children is VERY expensive. Child care alone could take a very large portion of your pay in the future. You will need every penney he is ordered by the court to pay you AND MORE to raise this child. Don't bother telling his wife. If you go for child support, his wife will find out anyway. She will probably leave him. But don't let that be a cue for you to seize him. He's a worthless liar who deserves everything he will get. Get your life back to normal as soon as possible. Ultimately you may need some counselling because everytime you look at your baby you will be reminded of one of the most traumatic times in your life...and that's certainly not fair to the child. The very best of luck to you!
alphamale Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Don't bother telling his wife. If you go for child support, his wife will find out anyway. She will probably leave him. don't be too sure of that T_T. the majority of wives eventually forgive their cheating husbands.
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I don't know if her posts will help you but do a search for a LS user califlorgian She was someone on LS a while ago that was going thru something similar http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=965427
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Ok...First of all, do not be alone with him, for your safety... Think very seriously about this. I myself am a single mother of two children from my first marriage. During my D, I was seeing a man whom I loved and was a friend from high school. I was not officially D, but the ink just needed to dry. I became pregnant from this man. (It was a fluke really, the only time w/o birth control and I even did the morning after pill routine.) At first I thought there was no way I could have the baby. The father was telling me to abort and when I decided I could not, he refused to talk to me and answer my calls. I was devastated (and no, he was not married). I thought really hard about it and I even talked to a counselor who really tried to push me to abort. I decided I could not abort my child. I knew that I would regret it and hate myself for the rest of my life. So I went forward with the pregnancy, acknowledging that this child's father would never be a part of his life. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. It was devastating. The only consolation was that I knew I had done what was right for me. You are the only who can decide what is right for you. Think about this in terms of you and the pregnancy only. If you choose to continue the pregnancy, you will be doing so without him. You are also going to be changing his life and he has no control over that. That is why I say don't be alone with him. I am sorry that you are in the middle of this mess. But you are not alone in this. Come and post here. My prayers are with you--GEL
Yamaha Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 don't be too sure of that T_T. the majority of wives eventually forgive their cheating husbands. So true. Nowdays affairs are so common that it is expected one of you will cheat.
NoIDidn't Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I am so sorry for your pain. The betrayal you are feeling is so similar to that of the BW. I know you can't forget about him, so don't even try. Find yourself a good counsellor and unload on them. Find out if there are some good and safe to take while pregnant antidepressants. You will more than likely need them as the pregnancy is going to put a strain on your body's system, and this situational depression could become clinical. I am pro-choice too, but only for those who know for certain that they can live with the choice they make. If you are the kind to obsess, and ruminate, abortion is likely to scar you as much if not more than the circumstances around it. I don't support adoption, but it works for some as many of my friends were adopted. This is a very precarious time. I am NOT a therapist, but you need one and in your circumstances, you could get one for FREE. A pregnancy hotline. An adoption center. A state organisation/organization. Anywhere. As far as "john" is concerned. Avoid him as he will trigger extreme responses that you don't need right now. He doesn't have to volunteer for testing. If you are in the states, call Child Protective Services, and he will be ORDERED under the threat of (temporary) imprisonment to submit a DNA sample for testing. Don't bother his W. She is going to be mad at you initially. She needs time to get the real story. She may forgive him, she may not. Plus, she has her own children to take care of and news like this will impair her ability to take care of herself and those children. This guy is not father material. If he spent two years with you and you didn't know he was married, then his kids have pretty much grown up without him. Go to your family, your pastor. Stay off the internet until you find someone IRL to talk to. You really need someone that can put their arms around you right now. Your baby needs to know that there are people waiting on the outside to care as well.
alphamale Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 So true. Nowdays affairs are so common that it is expected one of you will cheat. throughout history wives have favoured emotional fidelity from their hubbies vs. physical fidelity. and husbands have favoured physical fidelity from their wives vs. emotional.
ww Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Keep YOUR child and ABORT that man out of your life. He is an dumb-a**
Recommended Posts