There is progress....

[lovestruck234]

Wow.

 

Things have certainly changed in Rhys and Tess world of mayhem...

 

We had another argument last night...(Haha so it doesn't seem like MUCH has changed), cos he is going down to his brothers tonight (as some of you may know) and he was working on his motorbike. Anyway, he was trying to get the spark plug out but couldn't get it, it's in a tiny hole. So he's like "Tess you have small fingers, come over here and get this spark plug out for me.."

 

Anyway, I tried to get it out but I couldn't. You could see he was getting sh*tty but I remained calm. He's like "Come over here and help me get some tools.."

 

*Thinking to myself* Don't worry about saying please or thank you or talking to me in a nice way, that's fine.

 

Anyway, helping him get some tools, he is still ordering me around telling me to get this and that for him. I slammed the tool box shut and walked away...

 

He's yelling to me as I was walking away "Don't slam the f*cking lid you idiot.."

 

I ignored it and went back to try and get this spark plug out. Still nothing. He came in and the tool he had all along he put in there and got it out.

 

He looked at me with a smile and said "See, Tess, no need to get sh*tty, I got it out, there's no need to slam lids and storm off.."

 

Me "But no Rhys, cos everytime you get the sh*ts with something you take it out on me. Every single time. You do!!"

 

Him "Oh fine. Whatever, I don't give a f*ck anymore....f*ck off home Tess, I'm f*cking sick of it...."

 

He continued to work on his bike and stayed there watching tv. Waiting for him to finish I got up and walked over to him and said I'm sorry. That I didn't mean to go off at him I just got annoyed cos you were annoyed.

 

Him "Well, I'm not sorry..."

 

Me "*sigh*"...and I walked away. I wasn't going to try and talk to him while he was cranky like that.

 

He finished with his bike and said "Come on Tess, I'll take you home..."

 

Me "Rhys can you just come here for a minute..."

 

Him "No. Come on, get your stuff, I'm taking you home...for good. No more. This is it."

 

Me "Rhys, Please just sit down with me. This needs to be sorted out. What about all the trying you said you were going to do?"

 

Him "Get your stuff Tess.."

 

ME "No. Just listen to me for one minute...."

 

Him "Well, say what you wanna say..."

 

Me "I'm sorry that I snaped at you. The only reason I got angry was cos you were angry. It wasn't intentional and I didn't mean it. I just don't like when you get angry like that..."

 

Him "Is that all you've got to say"

 

Me "and that I love you..."

 

Him "Well, I don't..get your stuff I'm taking you home for good Tess. NO more. Finished. Forever. See ya later..."

 

Me.. I broke dowm. I couldn't breathe. I started crying uncontrollably..."no no no no no no no no....don't SAY that. You dont' mean that. You don't mean that. Just don't say that. No. Don't say that..."

 

i was crying and crying....

 

He came over to me..."Shhhhh Tess, it's ok. Shhhhh, no don't cry. I'm here. Don't cry. It's ok. Shhhh, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm not going anywhere...I'm sorry...I don't like making you cry. Dont' cry. I am so sorry."

 

And he started to cry...(this is the first time I have seen him cry...)

 

Him "I hate fighting. I love you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get mad at you. I love you Tess. I love you so much." He pulled me in tighter and started to cry...

 

Me "I love you too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you too. So much...

 

Him "I know...."

 

I just kept crying. I wrapped my arms around him so tight I thought he was going to pop. I was there rocking back and forth with him, we were both crying. I felt this immense colseness to him...

 

Him "why do we fight, Tess?"

 

Me "Cos that's what people do. It's human nature."

 

Him "These are the times that bring us closer together, you know that? Closer and stronger. Man I am so in love with you, Tess. You are an angel. I'm so sorry....I just got a bit sh*tty with the bike..."

 

Me "It's ok, you don't need to apologise. I'm sorry. For everything. We just, you've got to wanna make this work. We've just got to try. Try really hard, ok?"

 

Him "Ok. I'll try..."

 

It was so incredible to see him come over to me when I broke down like that. I felt so...loved. I didn't expect him to come over like that. I though he was just going to get the sh*ts and walk away like he always does But he held me, so close.

 

It's progress, do you think? He's starting to realise not to just walk away from arguments? He wants to be there with me. He really does love me.

 

And my God, I really love him....

[johan]

Hello there, Ms. Struck.

 

My thoughts: I'm not sure what to think.

 

On the one hand, I think it's good that you broke through all the crap and had an emotional minute together. I think you were good to remain calm and to some extent you stood your ground. You had a goal not to let his anger get you worked up. And you were determined to put the relationship above any outbursts he and you might have had. And so you did, and you got a different result. A different result may or may not be progress.

 

On the other hand, you overlooked his yelling at you and calling you an idiot. I can't tell whether you gained his respect in this case or not. I can't tell whether he broke down out of shame and pity, or out of true love. I think he feels comfortable saying rotten things to you, and like you said, he seems to vent his anger on you.

 

I think you rewarded his crappy behavior to be honest. I think you made it clear that the relationship and staying together is more important to you than being treated respectfully. It's great that he turned around and was extra nice after being so mean, but I don't think that fixes the fact that he was mean to you.

 

In my opinion, he's still acting as bad as he is allowed to by you. He put his own petty feelings and frustrations with his motorcycle above his feelings for you. You know he shouldn't, and I think he won't decide to stop all on his own. And your tears won't do it. He does it, because you do it, too. You also consider his petty frustrations and his motorcycle to be more important. And he'll stop when you stop.

 

I think you should have left when he called you that. Then you should have calmly left. You should have taken him up on his offer to break up. You should have told him that isn't what you were after, but if that's what he wants, then fine. You should have walked calmly into your house and resigned yourself to being without him. You're the only one really fighting for your relationship, and it seems like he should be doing some fighting himself. But as long as you carry the load, he doesn't need to. That's how his mother treats him, isn't it.

 

You deserve better treatment, but it's you who has to provide it.

[alphamale]

I think you rewarded his crappy behavior to be honest. I think you made it clear that the relationship and staying together is more important to you than being treated respectfully. It's great that he turned around and was extra nice after being so mean, but I don't think that fixes the fact that he was mean to you.

nice guys finish last, and sleep alone...

[whichwayisup]

Tess, he's messing with you in the sense that he KNOWS he has COMPLETE control over you.

 

He more or less told you to F-off, he called you an idiot. He treated you so badly and YOU said sorry?

 

He has some serious issues and I don't understand why you're still putting up with it. Next time that happens, walk out the door and don't look back. Then, when he calls or shows up asking you to talk to him - YOU take the control and tell him firmly, DO NOT EVER put me down or speak to me that way ever again. (I kinda wish you'd done that tonight.)

 

I don't know what else to say, you love him but from where I sit, the way the fireworks happen between you two, I won't be surprised when he makes you cry again...When will you see that he isn't really going to change?

[alphamale]

He has some serious issues and I don't understand why you're still putting up with it. Next time that happens, walk out the door and don't look back. Then, when he calls or shows up asking you to talk to him - YOU take the control and tell him firmly, DO NOT EVER put me down or speak to me that way ever again.

but you don't understand this very complex situation WWIU....subconciously she NEEDS and WANTS to be treated like this by him. There is nothing you or I can do except be virtual spectators.

[lovestruck234]

I think you should have left when he called you that. Then you should have calmly left. You should have taken him up on his offer to break up. You should have told him that isn't what you were after, but if that's what he wants, then fine. You should have walked calmly into your house and resigned yourself to being without him. You're the only one really fighting for your relationship, and it seems like he should be doing some fighting himself. But as long as you carry the load, he doesn't need to. That's how his mother treats him, isn't it.

 

You know, I wish I had the strength to walk away...but I don't...

 

I can NOT walk away from an argument, it's ike it's physically impossible. I need to finish it, clear it up, do whatever I have to do so I know everything is on good terms again.

 

If I went home last night and left it, I wouldn't have slept. I wouldn't have slept knowing that there is still sorting out to be done.

 

Bottom line...my way of standing my ground is that I am NOT going to let stupid arguments (such as the one last night) pathetic, time-consuming arguments ruin such a wonderful relationship. I told him I am going to try and try and try and that's what I have done. I do everything I can to make it work and if it means doing the same thing over and over until ONE day MAYBE EVENTUALLY he will see where he was wrong, then I will.

 

Yes, you are probably all sitting there going "Tess, you are the biggest idiot for doing that" but I guess...well, maybe I am. I can't back down from this relationship, I can't pull myself away. I can't.

 

The way I see it? If you love someone THAT much, then you would do everything in your own power to make everything right, to go through the bad times together and still love them unconditionally, get screamed at but still want to hold them in your arms....weird, probably, but that's just the way I am...

 

Answer me honestly, judging by what you have just read...do you think I need to get out of this state of mind?

[lovestruck234]

He more or less told you to F-off, he called you an idiot. He treated you so badly and YOU said sorry?

 

Because I snapped at him when he was trying to coax me...in a sense. He was calm and the problem had been fixed and I still snapped at him. I shouldn't have...

[johan]

The way I see it? If you love someone THAT much, then you would do everything in your own power to make everything right, to go through the bad times together and still love them unconditionally, get screamed at but still want to hold them in your arms....weird, probably, but that's just the way I am...

 

Answer me honestly, judging by what you have just read...do you think I need to get out of this state of mind?

 

I think you do. That concept of love is not healthy. It's possible, but it's not the way to be happy in the long run. Sooner or later you'll feel spent and you'll be full of resentment for him. There's a bit of that left after every one of these episodes. And if you really want to love him in the long run, then you have to understand that that resentment has to be avoided. And that means not permitting him to treat you like crap. You're being too permissive.

[Pyro]

Because I snapped at him when he was trying to coax me...in a sense. He was calm and the problem had been fixed and I still snapped at him. I shouldn't have...

 

You are right that you shouldn't have snapped at him, but that is still no excuse for him to call you an idiot or treat you bad. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Pyro]

Wow.

 

Things have certainly changed in Rhys and Tess world of mayhem...

 

We had another argument last night...(Haha so it doesn't seem like MUCH has changed), cos he is going down to his brothers tonight (as some of you may know) and he was working on his motorbike. Anyway, he was trying to get the spark plug out but couldn't get it, it's in a tiny hole. So he's like "Tess you have small fingers, come over here and get this spark plug out for me.."

 

Anyway, I tried to get it out but I couldn't. You could see he was getting sh*tty but I remained calm. He's like "Come over here and help me get some tools.."

 

*Thinking to myself* Don't worry about saying please or thank you or talking to me in a nice way, that's fine.

 

Anyway, helping him get some tools, he is still ordering me around telling me to get this and that for him. I slammed the tool box shut and walked away...

 

He's yelling to me as I was walking away "Don't slam the f*cking lid you idiot.."

 

I ignored it and went back to try and get this spark plug out. Still nothing. He came in and the tool he had all along he put in there and got it out.

 

He looked at me with a smile and said "See, Tess, no need to get sh*tty, I got it out, there's no need to slam lids and storm off.."

 

Me "But no Rhys, cos everytime you get the sh*ts with something you take it out on me. Every single time. You do!!"

 

Him "Oh fine. Whatever, I don't give a f*ck anymore....f*ck off home Tess, I'm f*cking sick of it...."

 

He continued to work on his bike and stayed there watching tv. Waiting for him to finish I got up and walked over to him and said I'm sorry. That I didn't mean to go off at him I just got annoyed cos you were annoyed.

 

Him "Well, I'm not sorry..."

 

Me "*sigh*"...and I walked away. I wasn't going to try and talk to him while he was cranky like that.

 

He finished with his bike and said "Come on Tess, I'll take you home..."

 

Me "Rhys can you just come here for a minute..."

 

Him "No. Come on, get your stuff, I'm taking you home...for good. No more. This is it."

 

Me "Rhys, Please just sit down with me. This needs to be sorted out. What about all the trying you said you were going to do?"

 

Him "Get your stuff Tess.."

 

ME "No. Just listen to me for one minute...."

 

Him "Well, say what you wanna say..."

 

Me "I'm sorry that I snaped at you. The only reason I got angry was cos you were angry. It wasn't intentional and I didn't mean it. I just don't like when you get angry like that..."

 

Him "Is that all you've got to say"

 

Me "and that I love you..."

 

Him "Well, I don't..get your stuff I'm taking you home for good Tess. NO more. Finished. Forever. See ya later..."

 

Me.. I broke dowm. I couldn't breathe. I started crying uncontrollably..."no no no no no no no no....don't SAY that. You dont' mean that. You don't mean that. Just don't say that. No. Don't say that..."

 

i was crying and crying....

 

He came over to me..."Shhhhh Tess, it's ok. Shhhhh, no don't cry. I'm here. Don't cry. It's ok. Shhhh, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm not going anywhere...I'm sorry...I don't like making you cry. Dont' cry. I am so sorry."

 

And he started to cry...(this is the first time I have seen him cry...)

 

Him "I hate fighting. I love you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get mad at you. I love you Tess. I love you so much." He pulled me in tighter and started to cry...

 

Me "I love you too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you too. So much...

 

Him "I know...."

 

I just kept crying. I wrapped my arms around him so tight I thought he was going to pop. I was there rocking back and forth with him, we were both crying. I felt this immense colseness to him...

 

Him "why do we fight, Tess?"

 

Me "Cos that's what people do. It's human nature."

 

Him "These are the times that bring us closer together, you know that? Closer and stronger. Man I am so in love with you, Tess. You are an angel. I'm so sorry....I just got a bit sh*tty with the bike..."

 

Me "It's ok, you don't need to apologise. I'm sorry. For everything. We just, you've got to wanna make this work. We've just got to try. Try really hard, ok?"

 

Him "Ok. I'll try..."

 

It was so incredible to see him come over to me when I broke down like that. I felt so...loved. I didn't expect him to come over like that. I though he was just going to get the sh*ts and walk away like he always does But he held me, so close.

 

It's progress, do you think? He's starting to realise not to just walk away from arguments? He wants to be there with me. He really does love me.

 

And my God, I really love him....

 

Well I am happy that the two of you were able to work things out, but did you enjoy any of what you listed above? A happy healthy relationship should not have to go through something like you mentioned above. I know that every relationship has its ups and downs, but that just sounds a little too extreme. I think that the two of you need to work on your patience toward one another and the two of you need to work on how you express your emotions to one another. I wish you guys all the best but like I said above, you shouldn't of had to go through all that.

[lovestruck234]

You're both right, I guess.

 

I was talking to mum about it the other day and you know when you're talking sometimes and you're not really thinking about what you're saying? You're just saying it....cos that's how you feel??

 

Anyway, i was kinda doing that with mum and I said to her (without even realising..)

 

"I don't deserve to be treated like this. I shouldn't have to feel guilty all the time for HIS mistakes. I'm not in the wrong. I'm not. Why have I sunken so far down? Why can't I get back out?"

 

She told me that when people are stuck in the same cycle all the time and it's like routine to them, that they sort of forget about the outside world, that they think that it's the only way to live, and the freak out at the mention of the word "change". That's what she thinks my problem is...

 

And I also said, in the midst of the conversation, out of nowhere "I am so over it. I am over all of this. Costant apologizing, constant begging, pleading, guilt, sadness....I'm not this type of person. I have never been known to take the crap he has off-loaded, what makes him so different?"

 

Then she told me a phrase I am trying to go by....she told me "Tess, you love him so much...that it hurts. It hurts when you argue, it hurts when you're sad, and it hurts to hear him say "it's over" time and time again. And it hurts more because of how much you love him. That's how I am with you girls. When I see any of you hurt emotionally, it kills me to see that. Because I love you all so much. You're not over being treated this way. If you truly were you would have left a long time ago. You need to decide what YOU want, not what Rhys wants..."

 

So, is she right or...?

[lovestruck234]

but did you enjoy any of what you listed above?

 

What kind of person would enjoy that sort of thing??

 

No, not at all. I HATE fighting like that...HATE it.

[Pyro]

What kind of person would enjoy that sort of thing??

 

No, not at all. I HATE fighting like that...HATE it.

 

I think that just about anyone would have hated that situation.

 

I was just using it to explain that you shouldn't have to go through that situation ever again.

[lovestruck234]

I think that just about anyone would have hated that situation.

 

I was just using it to explain that you shouldn't have to go through that situation ever again.

 

I thought it might have been rhetorical, but I wasn't sure...

 

Not ONE person deserves to go through that sort of thing, no way, not at all. I am trying to convince myself that all couples argue and have their problems, but I'm finding it harder seeing as how extreme our fights get...

[Pyro]

I thought it might have been rhetorical, but I wasn't sure...

 

Not ONE person deserves to go through that sort of thing, no way, not at all. I am trying to convince myself that all couples argue and have their problems, but I'm finding it harder seeing as how extreme our fights get...

 

A typical couples arguement is no where near what you mentioned. You two should sit down and figure out a better way to show your emotions to each other when upset, rather then name calling and yelling.

[lovestruck234]

BUt see, this is what confuses me...alot...

 

Ok, we would be going really well, getting along really well, our normal selfs, you know? Cracking up laughing at everything, joking around, doing stuff together, (without getting personal but..) our sex life is awesome, everything is perfect...for ages and ages.

 

Then when we do have an arguement, he goes all "I can't handle this anymore, I'm over it, leave etc etc" and I try to tell him sometimes that it's not like we are arguing every single day or anything so I don't see whay all the pressure, you know what I mean? He acts as though we argue non-stop and that he's at his wits end, but really, we are having ONE arguement and it's over nothing.

 

He acts as though the world is falling apart when we do. THAT is what makes them out of control. He carries on, he really does. I try to sit there and rationalise and he's all "No, I don't want to hear it, get away from me"

 

Why does he do that? he has admitted ONCE that he doesn't really know how to handle arguments...could this be the reason?

 

But I truly believe that the reason it gets so out of control is because HE gets out of control.

[Guest]

The problem is that this is not love. Love is all the things the Bible said; patient, kind. Which does not mean one person is constantly in a snit, angry, and insulting and only one person is patient and kind.

 

However, despite what AM thinks, this is not why women love men. They 'fall in love' (i.e. get addicted) to something about the guy and put up with all this BS 'because I loooove him'. But that's not love.

 

Real love is about growth and being good to each other out of respect and care. It does not mean 'the freedom to go off on someone whenever you feel like it'.

 

You see, this is the problem with the theory of 'unconditional love'. He wants it from you - meaning that you should love him no matter how horribly he behaves. And you do it. But a relationship that is about anger and disrespect and frustration is NOT a loving relationship.

 

Allowing someone to kick you over and over again isn't love. It's seriously unhealthy.

[Pyro]

BUt see, this is what confuses me...alot...

 

Ok, we would be going really well, getting along really well, our normal selfs, you know? Cracking up laughing at everything, joking around, doing stuff together, (without getting personal but..) our sex life is awesome, everything is perfect...for ages and ages.

 

Then when we do have an arguement, he goes all "I can't handle this anymore, I'm over it, leave etc etc" and I try to tell him sometimes that it's not like we are arguing every single day or anything so I don't see whay all the pressure, you know what I mean? He acts as though we argue non-stop and that he's at his wits end, but really, we are having ONE arguement and it's over nothing.

 

He acts as though the world is falling apart when we do. THAT is what makes them out of control. He carries on, he really does. I try to sit there and rationalise and he's all "No, I don't want to hear it, get away from me"

 

Why does he do that? he has admitted ONCE that he doesn't really know how to handle arguments...could this be the reason?

 

But I truly believe that the reason it gets so out of control is because HE gets out of control.

 

Not to be mean, but he needs to grow up and handle his responsibilities. He says he doesn't want to hear it? Well how does he expect the problem to go away unless he deals with it? He sounds stubborn as well. His patience needs a tune-up too. Do you suppose he needs anger management, or is that too drastic? These are the reasons why he can't handle an arguement. I don't mean to rip on your BF Lovestruck, but these are the problems that I see on his end and these are problems that he needs to fix or I only see your relationship heading southward.

[lovestruck234]

You're not being mean at all...

 

That's what I wish, I wish he would just grow up. But I can't say anything cos then THAT would start a sh*t fit...

 

Like I have said in previous posts, I guess I have just always been keeping my mouth shut just to keep the peace. To be honest, it wears me down too much.

 

When we do argue, in my head I'm going "You've screwed up now, Tess. Why didn't you just keep your mouth shut?? This wouldn't have happenend if you just kept your mouth shut!!"

 

So that's just what I do now. And I think that he...I guess.....gets a rude shock when I do open my mouth and speak up so that's when he goes all crazy person and gets out of control...

[lovestruck234]

 

See, this is what I think sometimes but you see his way of dealing with it just running away from the problem. He thinks the problem will be all better if he just gets away from it...you know, like he doesn't want anything to do with it, it's too much for him so he just pushes it away...

 

He jumps on his motorbike or in his car and RUNS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING and I am left there with all the broken pieces...

[Pyro]

You're not being mean at all...

 

That's what I wish, I wish he would just grow up. But I can't say anything cos then THAT would start a sh*t fit......

 

Sometimes I forget how young the two of you are. Perhaps the only way for him to grow up is through time. It is difficult to tell someone that because they can perceive what you say in the wrong way and get all defensive about it, which will not get you anywhere.

 

Like I have said in previous posts, I guess I have just always been keeping my mouth shut just to keep the peace. To be honest, it wears me down too much.

 

You can't hold it in forever. Too much will cause one giant eruption, which is how it seems to have been going for the two of you lately. I like to keep the peace too, but sometimes things need to be discussed or else things will never change for the better. Let me ask you this. Is he the type that is willing to compromise with you when you have a disagreement, or does he want things more his way?

 

When we do argue, in my head I'm going "You've screwed up now, Tess. Why didn't you just keep your mouth shut?? This wouldn't have happenend if you just kept your mouth shut!!"

 

So that's just what I do now. And I think that he...I guess.....gets a rude shock when I do open my mouth and speak up so that's when he goes all crazy person and gets out of control...

 

He gets shocked because you have never spoken up before about things. All those times that you did not say anything, he probably had no idea that what he was doing/saying was really bothering you, so he thought that he was doing everything just fine. Now with it all coming out at once, it makes him feel like that he can't do anything right toward you, so he gets upset.

 

Its good that you don't keep your feelings bottled up anymore, but also remember to be careful on how you word things when you talk to him. Some people perceive one thing wrong in a conversation and then they just get pissed and refuse to listen to anything else that you have to say. Thats part of the needing to grow up phase.

 

I seriously wish you guys all the best but the fact that all these problems are happening at such a young age, the chances seem slim of a lasting relationship. The two of you really need to talk things through and compromise on a game plan for your relationship if you two really want to improve things.

[Pyro]

See, this is what I think sometimes but you see his way of dealing with it just running away from the problem. He thinks the problem will be all better if he just gets away from it...you know, like he doesn't want anything to do with it, it's too much for him so he just pushes it away...

 

He jumps on his motorbike or in his car and RUNS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING and I am left there with all the broken pieces...

 

That is not good at all. If he doesn't change that pattern in the near future, it makes me wonder just how much the relationship means to him. You obviously deserve better then that. You deserve someone who has the desire to want to stick around and work on the problem, rather then running away. Wouldn't you agree?

[alphamale]

He jumps on his motorbike or in his car and RUNS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING and I am left there with all the broken pieces...

I've done that many times....its how men deal with tense situations. We extricate ourselves and run off and think and regroup...

 

I think that clown who writes those mars/venus books calls it "hiding in our cave"

[Pyro]

I've done that many times....its how men deal with tense situations. We extricate ourselves and run off and think and regroup...

 

It doesn't mean that this is the correct and mature way to handle the situation. It would be one thing if he told her that is what he was doing, but he does it just to run away from the problem. Thats not right.

[alphamale]

It doesn't mean that this is the correct and mature way to handle the situation..

Who said anything about correct and mature? Is what the US is doing in Iraq correct and mature? Jesus Christ, almost 3,000 US troops are dead and 50,000+ Iraqi civilians.