CarolAnne Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 A friend in Florida and I have written to each other for more than a year and really know each other very well - we've talked about our lives and friends and famlies and rely on each other for advice and just talk about everyting bothering us. I finally went to Orlando on a business trip and we met and hung out and it was as if we had known each other forever! That's when I knew he was just as special in real life as I had always imagined him in his letters and he said the same about me! He's even considering moving to Arizona so that we can be together, and I've told him I'd move to Florida to be with him... I think someone is going to have to move eventually, email is good but I want to hold him and sleep next to him and cook for him and be there for him in real life, and vice versa. I don't think you can develop a true relationship purely over the web, but its an awesome start. He has a gf that he has been trying to get rid of but she is very clingy and useless, spends his money, no job or desire to get a real job, telling him to do irresponsible silly things. He is too much of a gentleman to just dump her overnight, which I respect (as much as I think she's a waste of time) But, its like I'm a very positive dream while she's actually there 24/7 to go with him to things and keep him company, even if it isnt great company. I wish it were me and I'm willing to sacrifice everything to be there with him, we've already talked about moving and he could be the one IM so CONFUSED!! Should I be patient while he slowly breaks it up? Or is it hopeless, would any guy break up a crappy relationship and be all alone (in real life) even though I'll be there online and eventually in person? LDR's! Anyone similar?
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Until he breaks up with her, things are going to be this way (online) for a long time. If he really wanted to end it, he would. No holes barred...Even if it hurts this woman, his girlfriend, he'd end it. To NOT break up with someone because he's being "gentlemanly" is just an excuse. Sorry. You can only know someone a certain way online, even on the phone...Meeting once or twice is good, but you honestly don't "know" him well enough. I do hope it works out for you, but be ready for him to change his mind about his girlfriend...How long are you willing to wait??
magichands Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 If he really wanted to end it, he would. No holes barred... Maybe that's the problem. He is too much of a gentleman to just dump her overnight, which I respect So...he has been "emotionally" cheating (!) on his girlfriend with you - what exactly do you respect about the way he seems to be using her??!! Was it always implied to be more than friends? (When did it "cross" the line?) And what do you think you know about her, exactly?? You seem to be taking all of his negative comments about her on board...do you think that is being objective?!
Author CarolAnne Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 The emotionally cheating part I've always wondered about -- until I met her in Florida. The poor guy is too scared to break up and be completely alone, I've concluded even though he just turned 29. He would break it up if I were living next door, but living all the way in AZ there are questions, what if I change my mind? What if I don't move? What if he doesn't get the job in AZ? Then he might have no one at all. And he is one of those guys who can't be alone, I've gathered that much. He complains about her and puts up with her ****, even I saw it when we all had dinner at his place that she was dumb and childish if not bat crazy, but he will stay ther until someone better comes along (in person, not online) to take care of him. Its partly her keeping him because she has no source of financial support and part him not wanting to be completely alone. I don't agree that you should keep someoe around because they are poor and you have no one else for company If it was me in a sucky relationship I'd end it, I won't stay with someone if I was unhappy enough to consider moving to another state to get away. Apart from his xteme fear of being alone in all other departments he's a super super guy
magichands Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 The emotionally cheating part I've always wondered about -- until I met her in Florida. Sorry...but I find your statement offensive. So you really think she deserves no respect?!
Author CarolAnne Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 He's in a hard situation - if he leaves her, she has no job and no money and nowhere to go, didn't even want to finish school, and crazy weird. If he stays he's miserable and looking for a way out, the emotional cheating. I don't know how else to explain it, thats why I was looking for other people's opinions but you're right its a bad thing to say. Its one of those situations where his dependence is something about him I like and dislike at the same time, like that he's very close and needs people, not an indifferent super independent guy, but I wish he would just end it. Edit - sorry the question was about her. Yes she deserves respect which is why I thought it was gentlemanly of him to break it off slowly and not suddenly. She really has no where to go except a homeless shelter or motel if he left, she has no friends and no job.
magichands Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Here's my advice - and you're probably not going to like it (but the good news is that you can simply ignore me, haha). Leave him (and his dependent) be. You can stay friends, sure...but absolutely no (more) crossing the line. He is the one that needs to "resolve" his situation. Otherwise you are simply one (small) step up from a dependent - nothing more.
kulyok Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Leave him (and his dependent) be. You can stay friends, sure...but absolutely no (more) crossing the line. Absolutely. That's the only way to go - it's already very easy to see he is using you: having his girlfriend and looking for better variants - and he had enough gall to introduce you, his possible girl-to-be, to his girlfriend. He's a typical cake-eater. This shows it too well: but he will stay ther until someone better comes along (in person, not online) to take care of him. You see? He is asking you to sacrifice for him(move to another state). But what is he willing to do?
Sand&Water Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 CarolAnne, Question: How could you know him for at least one year, and not notice the red flags? The strangest part about your original post, as well as proceeding posts is that you seem to be denying your existence in the picture. It is, as though, you couldn't care less if he was a married criminal, with three wives. I'm not degrading you, in any shape or form, but only wish to make you "see" the point I am trying to convey. You have been used -throughout the entire year. He wanted to enjoy some foreign company, and you were easy target at the time. Plus, he fears change. As a result, only intensifies the need for him to support, and even cling to his girlfriend. You must choose: (A) Leave him. He is not going to remove himself from the relationship with the other girl. OR (B) Stay with him. Chase him down the road, but eventually it will only bring misery. Total waste of time, and nothing gained. Sand&Water
lovelifelust Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Hmmm .. my sister has just come out of a 10 yr relationship with her man ... he was married when they met and has jumped to another ... which to me would be in the back of your mind even if not aware of it ... there relationship started out very nice , but at the end of the day they lacked trust in each other purely because of the way the relationship started ... food for thought
Author CarolAnne Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Thanks everyone Your opinions are hard to take but I know you all mean well I wish things were black and white, single unattached person meets single unattached person and no one has any emotional issues and life is perfect I used to think thats how life was and someday I would meet mr perfect who had no one else and no commitments and we'd agree on everything and What I've experienced is that people do make attachments with each other to varying degrees and you are constantly judged against others as life goes on. I don't think there would be half as many posts in the marriage and OM/OW threads if guys didn't care if his lady puts on weight and vv or if losing a job or having kids or moving didn't change the way people evaluate each other. In high school most guys are unattached but by the time guys are in their 30s and 40's a lot are married and those that aren't are in some sort of relationship, coming out of one or getting into one, or playing the field -guys am I right about this? I know this man has some flaws, this huge one in particular. But demanding that he choose me or her is like putting all your cards on the table, that is the point of no return. And I think its premature right now because if I demand that he choose one of us, and she's right there and I'm in Phoenix ( where he's planning to move in several months and she wants him to move to Canada) why do it now? You are all right about it however, it will come to that at some point, I'm not going to be his shoulder to cry on and crutch for the next 10 years. Its just the timing. I'm willing to wait a bit longer as I said apart from these few flaws he's spectacular in all other respects, we have the same sense of humor and same outlook on life, same views on family and careers, he's my crutch too and I don't know if I will find all of those things in somone else. At least not without dating 800 guys to find the next diamond in the rough Its true the issue is TRUST and I can't say I'm so impressed with this but OTOH he's worth waiting for not because he's so rich or goodlooking (we're both about average) but because we agree on so much and rely on each other's thoughts and feelings for support and cheering up and everything bf/gf are supposed to share I know exactly what you mean about your sister that is my other concern. Like Angelina Jolie everyone blames her for breaking up the marriage but the truth is it wouldn't have broken up if Aniston and Pitt were truly happy together. still I don't want to be blamed like that. Thanks for all of your opinions
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 It sounds like all three of you are a bit "clingy" and have issues with being alone. The girlfriend is just the one being made into the bad guy here so the two of you can justify your own pathetic and desperate behaviors. What kind of "gentleman" (as you call him) strings two women along at the same time? What kind of "gentleman" invites another romantic interest into his partner's home for dinner and tries to pass her off as a "friend" … deliberately making a mockery of his girlfriend and relationship? And what does this say about the character of this so-called internet friend who would desperately fly all the way out to Florida to take part in this repulsive charade; call this poor woman she was deliberately helping to deceive "dumb" without taking a good look at her own reflection in the mirror? What kind of "gentleman" (or lady for that matter) would cowardly trash-talk someone behind their back (and to a bunch of strangers online) while pretending to be a decent, caring and "respectable" human-being and/or partner to their face? If you ask me … that's "bat crazy" behavior.
Author CarolAnne Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 Okay you want me to feel bad for staying more than friends with someone who cares for me and who I care for while he ends a relationship with a lady who really is bat crazy. Sorry what else do you call someone who won't go to school, won't get a job, yet demands he pack up everything and move to Canada where she wants to run a casino. Does she even have money to open a casino? No. (he's supposed to put his house on a mortgage to buy her a casino) Do either of them have any experience running a casino? No. yet she wants him to do that because its 'sexy'. Is gambling even legal in ontario?? No wonder the poor man is looking for someone else People do drive others away and I'm not going to pretend she's some super amazing lady with big dreams, she's an idiot. And he knows it. His family knows it, everyone knows she's crazy in the head. Even calls herself another name sometimes. Maybe if they put her on meds, but even then. She's holding him back and is a liability, but that's what I meant when I said it woudl be cruel to just dump her in the street. So you ask, why would a normal, funny, friendly guy date someone like this? Like I said, he's extremely needy and needs someone -anyone (literally) to take care of him on a daily basis, can't be alone
Green Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Ur Out of touch with reality. Nothing is nice about him letting some one down slowely. If he wanted to break up with her he should just do it he's not her dad they were just bf and gf playing her like this is not gentlemenly. As far as Orlando FL ive been there many times no lack of women at all it makes no sense why he would be talking to some one in AZ. As for you I've never been to AZ but I dont think there is a shortage of men there who you could have a face to face relationship with heck go ahead and have an internet relationship with a guy in the area I'm sure you'll enjoy that, If a guy is playing the field and openly dating thats fine but if he has a seriouse live in gf you should probably not date him, You see I'm not saying you have to find some one completely single just not some one who is living with their partner. Look your setting yourself up for a world of hurt you dont even know who this guy is and I'm sure your going to tell yourself you do know him and he is so great but over the internet and over the phone and barely ever seeing him face to face you really dont get to know a person.
Island Girl Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 The poor guy is too scared to break up and be completely alone, I've concluded even though he just turned 29. He would break it up if I were living next door BIG RED FLAGS!!!! Alert! He is too scared to break up with her and be alone? AND HE IS 29?! he is one of those guys who can't be alone, I've gathered that much. He can't be alone? You already know this and you are thinking of moving cross country. I hope you are understanding of what situation you are looking at. Clingy and needy are not fun to live with or deal with on a day to day basis. He complains about her and puts up with her ****, even I saw it when we all had dinner at his place that she was dumb and childish if not bat crazy, but he will stay ther until someone better comes along So he is laying the groundwork - getting close to you -- or pulling you closer to him so that when he ends one relationship he can jump right into another. What happens when there are problems or situations that aren't perfect between the two of you? --- Have those thoughts even entered your mind? Be careful, he'll be more under cover about replacing you when the time comes. He won't be introducing you to his 'online friend'. You may sail along and then suddenly he has a new girlfriend and you have been replaced.
Island Girl Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Why don't you tell us what is good about him -- ? Because you sad he is a gentleman and he is not. You have told us he is 29, afraid to be alone, suffering from a condition called "lack of backbone" - and he IS a classic cake-eater. He has a woman with him and is willing to string her along while he emotionally cheats with you - and he is so good at it he convinces you that he is doing it for her good. Those aren't great qualities. So why are you stuck? What are the fantastic qualities that you are convinced he and no other posess?
Green Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 He's a Loser how did you even meet him on the NET/?
Recommended Posts